DH/Money vent

Breannajohnson9

I've always been one to completely support myself. Wouldn't let someone pay for my dinner if I could avoid it, so being in a steady relationship and blending finances has been a very big struggle for me. After finding out I was pregnant, and had to leave my full time job in January my DF and I decide on my just working part time since I am a student as well. This will give us a little extra money on top of his income, and would allow me to stay home with that baby for the most part after birth and save money on daycare costs. Sounded perfect. 

I have two really part time jobs now which sound amazing. One starts today and the other next week. Both require a certain dress code so I needed to buy a couple of shirts. I planned on getting them at work today because I can wear them to both jobs and get 40% off - win. Before I did I checked banking accounts from both my and my DF's accounts to see which card was best to use. Only to find out that he is spending a decent amount of money on facebook stuff. ???

$130+ in the past three days. wth? He has seen me cry multiple times worried about money, if we can handle my just working part time, upset over just getting used to not being able to do things when I want/how I want... And he is spending money on facebook? Not to mention he just bought another game for his xbox, and was looking into buying a new gun. *sigh* 

I need to talk with him about this tonight. That much is obvious. Any ideas on how to keep calm in that process? My DF and I have never even argued before. We've been together since junior high pretty much and have always gotten along amazingly. But between my being hormonal and seriously upset over this, I'm really afraid of wording this to him wrong and starting a fight. Any advice?  

beacbabe

What is there to buy on facebook?

dufferoo

What kind of facebook stuff?? I would be mad too. When I am really upset about something, sometimes I start off by writing a letter. That can help you sort out your feelings and figure out the most diplomatic way to put everything, and then you can either give him the letter or just have it in your head when you talk. I like to give someone an actual letter because it's a little less confrontational. The receiver can take some time to process everything and your words don't accidentally get twisted. Just make sure you take some good time to re-read that baby before you give it to him and edit out all the "crazy" stuff that you don't want on the record forever Good luck!

Airmans Wife

The facebook stuff might be a 'mistake', I worked at a bank back in the States and we always had people coming in saying their account got 'hacked' by facebook. For instance if he bought something through a link or clicked a link and put in his debt card info facebook could start deducting money from your account without you authorizing it. It could just be a scam and your DF might have no idea! However if in fact he really did spend $130 on facebook stuff (which I have no idea how?!?!) you probably need to talk to him. I would just calmly ask him and then tell him how you feel, tell him you thought that with you staying home and only working part time that meant you BOTH were going to try to cut back on frivolous expenses. Maybe you can set up a 'fun money' budget where you each get to spend say $50 a month or something without telling the other person. My DH and I do this and it has helped a lot! Especially because I don't work I am SAHW and will be a SAHM, so we only have DH's income.  

SunAndRain

Getting on the page financially can often be a long process, one that isn't solved in a single conversation.

You and FI need to be a team in managing your household finances.  Express your concerns to him, calmly and rationally, and ask him if he would be willing to work with you to set a household budget that you both agree on.

THis might require tracking spending for a month, ideally two.  You both need a solid sense of where your money is going.

You can start writing out a budget now, listing all your fixed expenses (rent, insurance, etc) as well as estimates for your variable expenses (gas, food, etc).  And include a line item for discretionary spending (lunches with friends, games,etc).

You have a better chance of succeeding at getting a handle at your household expenses if you get his buy-in from the beginning.  Conversely you have a better chance at failing to manage your finances if you become the dictator and try telling your FI what he can and can't do.  Two things men don't like: over-emotional females and being told what to do.  That is why I said at the beginning that this is often an evolutionary process and one that isn't accomplished in a single discussion, but is rather developed over time.

 Good luck.

judahsmommy1

yeah, I would be upset about that. I think requesting that you form a budget is probably the best way to go about it. That way the focus is on solving the problem for the future not on harping on past behavior. (How would he solve that problem?) Dave Ramsey's website has some excellent tools for budgeting. Here are his budget worksheets. https://www.daveramsey.com/tools/budget-forms/ Also, if you're not married yet, have you made a decision as a couple about how money is approached? Is all money "family money"? Are each of you responsible for specific bills and then beyond that whatever money you make is your own? It sounds like you guys need to be on the same page financially.

mer313131

I would be pretty upset too, if I was trying to cut back on most expenses and realized DH was spending that much.

I would just tell him your concerns about $$ and ask him about the charges firmly but not in a mean way. And then talk about having a budget like other PP said. Put it in place together but if you're better with finances, suggest you handling the managing of the budget on a daily and weekly basis. Agree to not spend $$ out of the joint account on "extra" things unless talking it out with each other first.

DH and I each have a "fun money" account that we deposit a certain amount in monthly for us to use on things like video games, going out to dinner, getting hair done, etc. It's worked out great. 

mamameg11

I think finances can be one of the most difficult aspects of a relationship/marriage. It took DH and I 2 years to adjust to a joint bank account and how one another spends money. DH tends to be a miser and I tend to spend a little more freely, but never more than I have. 5 years later he still complains that I spend $180 on a haircut and color, but he goes on a deer hunting trip every year that gets expensive. It usually evens out, we just have different priorities/items we splurge on. I would just sit him down and say you want to review your budget so you can prepare and plan for the next couple months and after the baby comes. My DH has an awesome spreadsheet he created to track all of our money. I find it a little annoying sometimes, but it makes him happy and we have really figured out where we spend money and where we can cut to save more money. I have shared the spreadsheet with friends, and it helps themtrack their money and get a better handle on their finances. Message me if you want me to send it to you, it could be a good tool for you guys.

eunruh69

put it into the perspective of your FAMILY needing the money.  not YOU, not HIM, but the FAMILY.  my DH wanted to go to the lake this weekend (or rather his boss wanted him to go with him to use him for manual labor that he won't get paid for while he has to foot his own part of the bill, i.e. food & gas, just to get down there).  I made a firm stance and put it all into the perspective that #1 WE just upgraded his phone to make sure he has a reliable one which pinched our budget for this pay period, #2 WE are still saving for our FAMILY, not lake trips, #3 the money he would spend on this trip (usually around $200) needs to be put towards either getting our taxes done OR buying the crib (that was a biggie for him), and #4 unfortunately WE need to start thinking about the fact that WE have to buy maternity clothes for me very soon. 

it was hard for me to not point the finger and go all crazy on him, which I very dearly wanted too.  I had to remind myself that he really didn't want to go to the lake w/his boss (he rarely does because he knows the expectation of his boss for no monetary return and the amount of money he has to put out just to be down there) and for me to put it into the perspective of our FAMILY made it very easy for him to say NO to his boss.

 Oh and if it results in a fight, don't worry.  If you've been together this long and you know you're in it together for the long haul you should have fights/arguments/disagreements along the way.  They only make you stronger because you're able to work through them.

GL!

baby+cakes10

Before freaking out about the FB charges i would look into it...

My bank called me once asking if i was doing any facebook transactions and of course i wasn't! I dont even know how FB got my credit card # since i've never added my cc# to my profile...

I, too, am a penny pincher and get annoyed when my husband spends his money on blueray dvd's and video games but in this case, i would calmly ask him if he was spending $ on facebook or if this is something you need to ask the bank about.

 

Good Luck!