Explaining birds and bees to SD?

acbfreire

Hello all,

we will pick up SD (8 yrs old) tomorrow and we will tell her that I am expecting a baby girl.

I am sure that SD will have lots of questions on "how the baby gets in your tummy" and I am not sure how much/ little to explain.

A little but of background: BM was never married to DH, she married a guy when SD was 6mo and has confused SD about what biological and step parents are. So you have an idea, SD asked me if was was her mom when she was younger - she is already very confused!

To make it worse, BM has been showing SD her labor video since SD was 4, so SD is terrified of the idea of child birth.

Finally, BM told SD that she asked God for a baby and she was born... We are not religious, but it seems ironic that BM pulls that story when SD was born out of wedlock. 

Any suggestions on how to explain this to SD without much detail?

Holly_1007

yikes sounds tricky! I was initially going to go with the approach that "when two people love each other" but that would imply that at some point BM and DH loved each other, not sure how that would go over.... 8 yrs old is too early to explain about sex IMHO.

with SD we just explain that every baby has a mommy and a daddy.  her mommy and daddy are BM and DH.  our DS' mommy is me and daddy is DH. her mom has a 1 yr old, that babys mommy is BM and daddy is SF.

SD is only 5 so she doesn't ask specifics of how babies get in bellies or how they come out or anything.  (although when BM had her second daughter I'm pretty sure she told SD that babies come out your belly button weird bc BM didn't have a c section)

we haven't told SD about this pregnancy yet, so she might have a few more questions than last time around, but stil not young enough to need to explain sex. 

acbfreire

holly71087:

yikes sounds tricky! I was initially going to go with the approach that "when two people love each other" but that would imply that at some point BM and DH loved each other, not sure how that would go over....

Exactly, that is my problem. BM - even though married - keeps implying that DH loves her!? She is not a very sane person, so it makes it hard to explain things to SD. DH and I have been together for 6 1/2 yrs... so it is not like we just started dating.

Also, I don't want to make it sound like it is okay to have children with anyone. I may be too conservative in this topic, but I believe in marriage, then having children.

tsmomma42

I would let her lead. Kids know their own boundaries. If she asks how babies are made tell her the truth - a man and woman have sex. She'll probably ask what that is (a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina). Do her a favor and tell her the truth. If she asks why her mom told her something different then I'd likely say something along the lines of not everyone knows how to explain sex and some kids are too little to understand it.

I remember being 4 or 5 and asking my grandma what sex is. She told me exactly what I outlined above. I accepted that and for several years I had to clarify what sex was to my friends who were told stories about storks and God. If she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to know imo.

xmaryrickx

tsmomma42:

I would let her lead. Kids know their own boundaries. If she asks how babies are made tell her the truth - a man and woman have sex. She'll probably ask what that is (a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina). Do her a favor and tell her the truth. If she asks why her mom told her something different then I'd likely say something along the lines of not everyone knows how to explain sex and some kids are too little to understand it.

I remember being 4 or 5 and asking my grandma what sex is. She told me exactly what I outlined above. I accepted that and for several years I had to clarify what sex was to my friends who were told stories about storks and God. If she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to know imo.

pretty sure that's wildly inappropriate for a six year old to hear from someone, without BOTH of her parents being in agreement with it. And I am fairly certain that your friends parents dreaded you, the kid who felt the need to tell their children what sex is in explicit terms. I am all for using the proper medical terms for body parts, but I don't think there is any reason that a six year old needs to know the mechanics of sex. OP let her lead but I would keep it vague. Mommies and Daddies love each other and make a baby together. There is nothing wrong with her thinking that her parents were at one point in love.

FutureMrsWittig

My SD's BM told her the same thing when she was 6, you ask God for babies.

She wanted to know why I didn't ask God for a baby in my tummy. 

I told her that it was a little more complicated.  I told her that mommies had eggs in their tummies just like chickens.  And some of those eggs became babies, just like some chicken eggs become baby chickens.  But some of them don't, just like some chicken eggs don't make baby chicks.  Once I also explained that we don't eat the mommy-eggs that don't make babies, she was satisfied.

Tasheystar

I bought the book "The New Speaking of Sex" by Meg Hickling. It has been my guide in terms of what to say/how to tell DS. We haven't gotten into actual mechanics at this point, but that's mostly because he hasn't asked. If he did, I'd probably tell him.

We haven't had that talk with SD. I'm curious to know what her mom would say. (Not saying that in a snarky way).

acbfreire

I will wait for her questions to lead me, but BM has told her so many untrue and complicated stories that it makes it really hard.

SD still gets confused about just having one mom and one dad because BM would call SD's step father her "real dad" and DH her "other dad". Now BM calls DH "biological dad" but she says it on a demeaning way. Funny, because she is the bio mom. So now SD thinks that biological parents are not good.

I don't think that she needs to understand the mechanics of things just yet, especially because she doesn't stay with us very often and it may get her even more confused when she goes back home and tells BM what we explained to her.

I am all up for using the right anatomical terms, but I don't think that too much detail is appropriate just yet. 

kali55

We bought a book to help guide us.  We bought "it's so amazing" which is a really cool book.  It goes into puberty, sex and conception in a no nonsense straight forward way.  It also shows various stages of the pregnancy which I thought was very cool. 

mschocokitty

I feel you on this topic. Our SD is 10 and starting to ask questions about bodies, and I sense she will start about sex in the near future, especially when she finds out we are expecting. You might be surprised that even your 8 year old already has a sense that there is much more to the story. I would stay with age-appropriate truths. Use the proper names and stick with proper anatomy. I don't want to imagine the nightmare of a person coming out of a belly button-the real place is frightening enough! The porn level detail of sex isn't age appropriate, but knowing that men and women contribute cells to make a baby is. 

bmv1980

I agree that if SD asks, be straight forward.  I see no harm in giving her facts that she will get from her friends if you don't tell her.  (There are plenty of 8 yo with older brothers and sisters talking about sex.)  I don't think you should get into anything that you're uncomfortable with though.  Maybe talk to your husband and see where he wants to go with the conversation. 

JolenLove

I am a preschool teacher (Still in school) we are taught that when children ask something you tell the truth. Because like you said children get confused by the insane stories parents will tell children to avoid telling the truth or talking about something the parent isn't prepared for. If a child is asking about something they are prepared for an answer. Of course a child is going to be confused by being told babies come from belly buttons or when you ask god or anything like that. OF COURSE you don't need to demonstrate how to have sex and make a baby but you tell the truth and say things like "You know that boys and girls are different, because they have different parts (and if you think your child doesnt know that your nuts, they figure that out extremelyyyy young before they have a vocabulary of over 200 words) the different parts that they have are a Penis and a vagina, you have sex with a penis and a vagina and you can make a baby" Something simple and to the point, there's no need to over analyse it or make it complex.