Parenting after 35
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Partner doesn't want to have second child because....
he's afraid of favoring one over the other. See, my husband's mother had him very young and she did her best to raise him as a single mom. When my huband was a teenager his mother remarried and had two more children who are now 20 and 14 years old (my husband is 30). Because his mother very openly feels that she failed in raising my husband with the limited resources she had at the time, and loves to death and provided so much more to her younger children... my husband now worries he will be like his mother and favor one child over the other if we have a second. Does anyone follow this logic and know how I can argue against this? I've tried telling him that he's different from her, loves our first child unconditionally and will do so with the second, that we are partners and will raise our children together and they will not be far apart in age, etc. Oh, and the other issue is that I am 36 so we need to get going on this and make a decision soon!! Any advice would be appreciated! 
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Re: Partner doesn't want to have second child because....
part of my reason for being on team One and Done is because i really cannot imagine loving another the way i do her. i KNOW that if we were to have another, there would be enough love but i really can't fathom it right now. i think many many people feel this way and push through it and have more kids, but we're both very content with our family the way it is.
why do you want another? does he know your reasons for wanting another?
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My take- when there is something about your childhood that you don't like, you're going to strive extra hard (and perhaps too hard!) to make sure you don't do the same thing.
And it's really not so much about her "favoring" her other kids as much as circumstances changed. It sounds like she may have tried "too hard" to make up for his upbringing to the point it makes him feel worse, but again - I don't see this as her favoring them.
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It's tricky. I always wanted more than 1 child because I was the only child of an unhappy marriage and difficult divorce. Health issues meant that I made peace with DS being an only, but we made the leap and are having another.
Of course I look at my sweet boy and wonder how in the world I could possibly love his sibling as much as I love him. I know it will happen, I just don't know New Baby yet and have had the benefit of having spent 2.5+ years with DS, so I feel I know him pretty well
But as for making an argument for another, it sounds like you've got all the bases covered. Your H is NOT his mom, you guys are older and a family so that makes all the difference in the world. But it's still scary.
Good luck!
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I have a sister who is 17 years younger than I am (the same age difference as my oldest and youngest children right now). From all outward appearances, she is favored. But there IS a difference. My mom did her best with both of us (well - all of us, I have 2 other siblings close in age to me). The difference is that she had my youngest sister in much different circumstances - a loving supporting husband who is able to provide the best for his child. My dad did his best. It was just a sucky 'best' compared to what my step dad is able to provide for my sister.
I used to be frustrated/angry with the situation until I realized that my did do everything for me that she could at the time.
I plan to raise my children the same. I can provide more for my last child(ren) than I could for the first 2. I have given all of them 100%. And I can only hope they understand that.
I may sound like Dr. Laura here, but I think your SO might want to get a little counseling to sort out his feelings about all of this. Minister/therapist/whatever, but usually people do the opposite of their parents when they sense an imbalance like that growing up.
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I agree with this, and BB. My brother was quite obviously put ahead of me (and still is, but it stopped bothering me a long time ago). I am very concious of this with my own kids, and I do my best to make sure that I'm not subjecting my kids to the same treatment. Oh - I also relish in the fact that they drive my brother batty on a daily basis and live 5 minutes away (on purpose), and they only pop out once or twice a month (I'm 45 minutes away, the ends of the earth, ya know!). Love 'em dearly, but they make nuts.
And I agree, his mom probably was trying to right the wrongs she felt she made with your dh, so she's overcompensating in his siblings. Not his fault, and not likely a behavior he's doomed to repeat. I'd suggest counselling, like BB said.
He needs to forgive his mom before he can trust himself.
This isn't really about you and your future children. This is about him and his past. As long as that pain stays an open wound, he won't be able to move forward. He still has the heart of a little kid who thinks these things just *happen* and isn't fully resolved. He's projecting his pain onto what he imagines his oldest child will feel and is protecting him/her - like he wished he was protected.
He needs to forgive his mom before he can trust himself.
Well said.
Your husband's argument is valid, but it doesn't really apply to your situation b/c your children will have the same mother and father and will be closer in age. That's very different than your husband's childhood situation. Do you have enough resources for 2 children? Then go for it. I guarantee you'll love the second just as much as the first. Love multiplies that way, especially towards your own children. I have no doubt in my mind that I would love a second child as much as I love my son.
Good luck with your decision!
I do think it's different when you have much younger siblings from a 2nd marriage. What pp said - my parents were 25 when they had me, just starting out in marriage. life, job... my Dad remarried and had my sister when I was 16, so he's older, more established in life and with his job (higher salary)... so they took a lot of trips, cruises, etc that I never got. No big deal
Same with my DH, his sisters are about 15 years younger and they got to go on cruises and trips... unlike he and his brother.
Of course all of us were loved, and I don't recall feeling "jealous" of their "better" lives or unloved in any way, so I agree with pp. If DH had a really bad childhood and there's still some major hurt feelings there, then it would benefit him to talk to someone.
First of all, older moms are different. My oldest three are 12, 10 and 8 years old. I am about to have #4 with my husband of 16 years. Your husband needs to understand that people change with age. I thought I was a good mother at 24, but there are so many things that I do differently at 36 because of time, experience, and I am more laid back than I was. My children do NOT doubt that I love and adore them. A new baby does not change how I feel about them. It's sort of like how my parents were super strict with us as children, but spoil my children like crazy. It drives me mad!!!! His mom was probably the same way. Time made her seem partial, but she was really more laid back because of age.
Having said that, I also want to encourage you not to give up. I told my husband that I wanted four children while we were dating.It was something that I had wanted since I was a child. After #3, he decided that we were done. I NEVER thought he'd change his mind. No one else did either. I begged for years. He finally changed his mind! There will be EIGHT years between my babies, but I also believe that this one will be easier. Everyone is potty trained,and can tie their own shoes! They have also enjoyed the pregnancy process, and feeling the baby move. It may happen for you. Perhaps not in your time, but your husband might change his mind as he "grows up" too! Hang in there.