Trying to explain to DH why baby -needs- her own room — The Bump
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Trying to explain to DH why baby -needs- her own room

DH and I are moving in 6 weeks because our lease is up, and we're looking at a two bedroom place bigger than what we have now. DH wants a 'man cave' no matter what, and it's only fair. Where we are now, we have two bedrooms, but I've taken over the second as my sewing room/office. In fact, even though he pays all of the rent and bills, he feels the whole house is 'mine' because it's laid out exactly how I want it, I chose the furniture and colour schemes for the rooms. I can totally see why he feels like it's not really 'his', and I've always promised him that in our next place he can have a 'man cave'. It may sound silly but it's a big deal to him.

Well, we'll be moving in mid April and baby is due at the end of July. We both realise that generally, babies sleep in their parents' room at first (I've read anything from for the first month to the first six months), and that's what we'd like to do. But DH doesn't want to have a separate room for baby at all. He argues that by the time our lease is up at the new place the following April, baby will only be 9 months old, and "won't need" her own room. I've tried explaining to him that a lot of stuff comes with a baby: not just a crib, but a changing table; a rocking chair/recliner; a dresser for clothes, toys etc, and more. He points out - rightly so - that at our new place, all of that will fit into our bedroom with room to spare.

I'm stumped here. I've always 'known' that babies need their own rooms, but now I can't for the life of me explain or even think of why. I can't even argue "well, if baby has her own room, we won't be woken up when she cries" because of course we would have a baby monitor which would wake us, and if she kept crying, one parent would take her out of the room so the other could sleep. I also know that a lot of my desire for baby to have her own room is purely so that I can decorate it in the most sickeningly cutesy way. I can't imagine sharing a room with baby for nine months, but then I can't think of why. As I said, if she cries in the night we'll be woken up anyway, so it's not like I'm thinking of a peaceful night's sleep.

I was originally going to post this with a "how do I make DH see baby needs her own room" feel, but now... Is DH right? Can baby share our room for nine months?
P.S: I know it probably sounds like DH is 'choosing' having a man cave over our baby having somewhere nice to sleep, which is awful. It's... Not as simple as that. It's kinda complicated...

Re: Trying to explain to DH why baby -needs- her own room

  • Babies don't really need their own rooms. Sorry. We basically only use ours for storage and sleeping, and when he's having a crappy night he sleeps in our room anyway. I would say that by age two or so (whenever they're ready to move to a regular bed) is when they "need" their own room, but plenty of kids have shared with their parents much longer.

    I will say, however, that I sleep worse when the baby is in our room. He is a very restless sleeper and even though he doesn't cry a lot at night, I hear every.single.movement. When he is in his room, I set the monitor for "voice activated" so that I only hear anything if he cries and I get a much better night sleep. But that totally depends on the baby.

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  • I don't think it's necessary for everyone.  I'm not planning on having the baby in our room since baby room is directly across the hall, but if you're already planning on having her in your room, then why fight about something unnecessary?

    I'd tell DH that he can have his man cave.  probably until you have the baby.  Chances are he'll be exhausted right along with you and won't have a lot of time to be spending alone in his new cave.


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  • The only reason I can think of that a baby "needs" their own room is so you can have some alone time as a couple in your bedroom without waking the baby. Yes, a baby can share a room with you for 9 months. Ours did, but it does come at a price in terms of your time alone in your room and how you have to change your routines.

    If you put your baby down to bed in your room at, say 8 pm, you'll have to keep the lights completely out and, later that night tiptoe in quietly in the dark so you can go to bed. If your child is sleeping in your room in her crib, you can't turn on a light to read or even talk to each other in a normal voice (unless your baby is a super sleeper). If there is a bathroom connected to your room, you'll have to be super quiet in there too and be careful with turning on the lights. We dealt with all of these issues as our daughter slept in a travel crib in our room for the first 9 months. 

    For some people, that's perfectly fine, and for others, having no alone time eats away at their relationship and creates a wedge between them. Just as long as you are both willing to make changes to whatever you come up with if necessary, I don't see any issue with not setting up a nursery. It is definitely a nesting thing that makes us want a cute room with baby stuff everywhere.

     

  • Thanks ladies. Certainly, DH will have his 'man cave' at least while the baby is in our room for the first few months anyway. I guess we'll have to wait until the time comes to see whether making that a permanent solution is practical for us.

    Does anyone know if there is any benefit to baby having her own room long-term? This is my first baby but I spend a lot of time with a family who have a three-year-old and a one-year-old, and I remember back when it was about time for the three-year-old to transition from a crib to a toddler bed it was a nightmare for all concerned. I can only imagine that it would be even harder for baby if as well as new bed she'd be getting a new room, but I don't 'know' either way.

  • It is better to have the baby in the parent's room at first but when they are sleeping 12 hours at night, you want to be able to do what you want and not worry about waking them up.
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  • We moved DS to his own room at 4 weeks because

    1.


    James Sawyer 12.3.10
    Leo Richard 9.20.12 
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  • We moved DS to his own room at 4 weeks because

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    James Sawyer 12.3.10
    Leo Richard 9.20.12 
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  • We moved DS to his own room at 4 weeks because

    1. He w

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    James Sawyer 12.3.10
    Leo Richard 9.20.12 
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  • We moved DS to his own room at 4 weeks because

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    James Sawyer 12.3.10
    Leo Richard 9.20.12 
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  • We moved DS to his own room at 4 weeks because

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    James Sawyer 12.3.10
    Leo Richard 9.20.12 
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  • I'm slightly confused by your post. Does your DH just want to live in the new place with his man cave and baby in your room for 1 year and then move again when the lease is up?  Or is the plan to have the baby in your room indefinitely (i.e., multi-year)? 

    I personally could be fine with the baby in our room for the first year, but would not put myself in a position where I knew I was going to have to move in a year if I could help it.  But then again, I hate moving.  It's a PITA and there are a lot of costs involved.  Everyone's circumstances and tolerance levels are different though.

    Our LO has his own room but still sleeps in ours.  He's a relatively sound sleeper - basic talking and low lights don't bother him.  A lot of movement does though, so I find it hard to put laundry away at night while he is sleeping. 

    Plus there is the issue of will you feel comfortable having sex with the baby in the room and if not, what is your plan?  I suppose you could always get your freak on in the man cave.

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  • Sorry, let me try this again. We moved DS to his own room at 4 weeks because 1) he was a loud sleeper and kept me up all night. 2) when DH got up for work, it would wake up DS. When I went back to work, it was better too because I could get ready before going in and waking up DS. On the mornings that he woke up before I was ready, it was difficult to get everything done. 3) I don't like having sexy time with the baby in the room.

    James Sawyer 12.3.10
    Leo Richard 9.20.12 
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  • imageovertonhayes:

    I know it probably sounds like DH is 'choosing' having a man cave over our baby having somewhere nice to sleep, which is awful. It's... Not as simple as that. It's kinda complicated...

    I'd love to hear what's so complicated about it. Because honestly, your H sounds like a selfish brat, IMO. He chose to get married and have a baby. The needs of his family should come before his own desire for a place where he can fart and play video games. I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for him. Why did you "pick everything"? You're a couple, you can pick things together. If he has no interest in picking furniture or curtain shopping, then he should shut his mouth about everything being "yours." It's not yours. You are married, everything is both of yours now. If you're moving to a two-bedroom apartment, you should have a bedroom and your child should have a bedroom. When you buy a larger house and there are extra rooms beyond the amount of people that should have a bedroom, he can have his ridiculous man cave.

    FWIW, no, I don't think babies NEED their own room. Plenty of people have raised kids living in tiny studio apartments. But I think the extra room should go to your baby before it goes to your husband's bullshiit.

    We moved DD to her own room at 2 months when she was sleeping 6 hours straight and it was wonderful. We had our bedroom back to ourselves and could go to bed without worrying about waking her. Newborns are also noisy sleepers and we slept better with a couple closed doors between us, too. And even today, DD wakes up and fusses a couple times a night. That would suck if she was in our room. Also, I spent two hours cleaning DD's room today. You'd be surprised how much stuff they accumulate, and I highly doubt it would all fit with room to spare in your bedroom. DD and any future children we have will be sharing a room until we buy a bigger house down the road.

    ETA: I'm sorry if my opinion sounds harsh, but I tried to put myself in your place, and I would be livid if my husband ever gave me the shpiel your H is giving you. I don't know your circumstances or your relationship so I will try not to judge. But I know my husband would lose a ball if he suggested a man cave over a nursery for our little girl. lol.

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  • imageskio:
    imageovertonhayes:

    I know it probably sounds like DH is 'choosing' having a man cave over our baby having somewhere nice to sleep, which is awful. It's... Not as simple as that. It's kinda complicated...

    I'd love to hear what's so complicated about it. Because honestly, your H sounds like a selfish brat, IMO. He chose to get married and have a baby. The needs of his family should come before his own desire for a place where he can fart and play video games. I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for him. Why did you "pick everything"? You're a couple, you can pick things together. If he has no interest in picking furniture or curtain shopping, then he should shut his mouth about everything being "yours." It's not yours. You are married, everything is both of yours now. If you're moving to a two-bedroom apartment, you should have a bedroom and your child should have a bedroom. When you buy a larger house and there are extra rooms beyond the amount of people that should have a bedroom, he can have his ridiculous man cave.

    If you're going to call my husband a selfish brat and make such harsh judgements about someone you don't know,  then frankly I don't want to waste my time explaining why it is complicated. I am not going to talk about my husband's own personal problems on a public forum, which most people seem to have accepted.

    To a PP who wondered why we would be moving as soon as the lease is up: I forgot to mention, we're military. DH has orders where we're moving to until September, but after that we could be going absolutely anywhere. If we have the option to live in that place until baby is walking and talking then we will take it (as long as the apartment turns out to be as lovely to live in as it is to look at), but we've pretty much accepted the fact that we're not going to live in one house/apartment for more than a year.

  • imageHeyJune:

    The only reason I can think of that a baby "needs" their own room is so you can have some alone time as a couple in your bedroom without waking the baby. Yes, a baby can share a room with you for 9 months. Ours did, but it does come at a price in terms of your time alone in your room and how you have to change your routines.

    If you put your baby down to bed in your room at, say 8 pm, you'll have to keep the lights completely out and, later that night tiptoe in quietly in the dark so you can go to bed. If your child is sleeping in your room in her crib, you can't turn on a light to read or even talk to each other in a normal voice (unless your baby is a super sleeper). If there is a bathroom connected to your room, you'll have to be super quiet in there too and be careful with turning on the lights. We dealt with all of these issues as our daughter slept in a travel crib in our room for the first 9 months. 

    For some people, that's perfectly fine, and for others, having no alone time eats away at their relationship and creates a wedge between them. Just as long as you are both willing to make changes to whatever you come up with if necessary, I don't see any issue with not setting up a nursery. It is definitely a nesting thing that makes us want a cute room with baby stuff everywhere.

     

     

    This.

    Took the thoughts right out of my head! Baby doesn't NEED their own room by any means like pp's have explained. 

    We will be keeping baby in our room for the first few months, but I think I would eventually want him in his own room so my SO and I could have our own space together. Let your DH have his space but maybe explain to him you would like to keep your bedroom as YOUR bedroom. I'm just thinking of our nightly routine, I go into bed about an hour before I want to fall sleep so I can relax and unwind and talk with my SO, if it was baby's room too, we wouldn't be able to do that and have our alone time together. 

    Since he wants his own space he might appreciate that answer a little more. I don't think he'd be able to turn down the idea of you two having your alone time together! :)  

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  • We currently live in a 2 bedroom, and DH gave up his man cave so that we could have a nursery.  DS slept in our bedroom in a bassinet for 3 months and then transitioned into his crib in his room.  I have to be honest, there is no way I can imagine having him in our bedroom.  He has STTN since 3 months...no worry about waking him up because he's in his own room.  DH and I often watch different tv shows...our second tv is in our bedroom.  Our computer is in our bedroom.  I get ready for work in the bedroom.  There's just too much going on in the bedroom to worry about a sleeping baby.  Plus, if you plan on BFing, it's nice to have a glider in the nursery for nursing...while your DH is still sleeping. 

    While I guess technically, it's not a must, it was a must for us.

     
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  • imageovertonhayes:

    To a PP who wondered why we would be moving as soon as the lease is up: I forgot to mention, we're military. DH has orders where we're moving to until September, but after that we could be going absolutely anywhere. If we have the option to live in that place until baby is walking and talking then we will take it (as long as the apartment turns out to be as lovely to live in as it is to look at), but we've pretty much accepted the fact that we're not going to live in one house/apartment for more than a year.

    As military, you should be able to break your lease when you get new orders with no penalty. You may have read your entire lease and it says that military members who get orders will pay a fee, but I've never encountered this. If your case is unique where the apartment manager/landlord is unsympathetic to service member, then I'm sorry and suggest you find some place that is willing to work better with you. 

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  • klvklv member
    imagewilburbud:
    imageovertonhayes:
    imageskio:
    imageovertonhayes:

    I know it probably sounds like DH is 'choosing' having a man cave over our baby having somewhere nice to sleep, which is awful. It's... Not as simple as that. It's kinda complicated...

    I'd love to hear what's so complicated about it. Because honestly, your H sounds like a selfish brat, IMO. He chose to get married and have a baby. The needs of his family should come before his own desire for a place where he can fart and play video games. I'm sorry, but I have no sympathy for him. Why did you "pick everything"? You're a couple, you can pick things together. If he has no interest in picking furniture or curtain shopping, then he should shut his mouth about everything being "yours." It's not yours. You are married, everything is both of yours now. If you're moving to a two-bedroom apartment, you should have a bedroom and your child should have a bedroom. When you buy a larger house and there are extra rooms beyond the amount of people that should have a bedroom, he can have his ridiculous man cave.

    If you're going to call my husband a selfish brat and make such harsh judgements about someone you don't know,  then frankly I don't want to waste my time explaining why it is complicated. I am not going to talk about my husband's own personal problems on a public forum, which most people seem to have accepted.

    To a PP who wondered why we would be moving as soon as the lease is up: I forgot to mention, we're military. DH has orders where we're moving to until September, but after that we could be going absolutely anywhere. If we have the option to live in that place until baby is walking and talking then we will take it (as long as the apartment turns out to be as lovely to live in as it is to look at), but we've pretty much accepted the fact that we're not going to live in one house/apartment for more than a year.

     

    I don't know.. Im kind of on her side on this. I personally would give my child a bedroom before I gave my husband a mancave.

    I also tend to agree with this. Having kids means making sacrifices. DH had to give up his computer room/office when we had a baby. We kept LO in our room for about 3 months and I was so relieved when we moved her to her own space.

    Is there a reason that you can not get a 3 bedroom place if a man area is so important? 

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  • imagejenguinbear:
    [

    As military, you should be able to break your lease when you get new orders with no penalty.

    Oh, we can (both here and in our new place), that's no problem. I'm just explaining why we probably won't be renewing the lease on the new place when it's up in a year: because chances are we'll be moving somewhere else by then, if not before :)

  • klvklv member
    Another alternative might be to set up the man area, but store your baby stuff there. Then make it clear that if LO needs to have their own space then he may have to give up his cave. This way he can have his space for a few months at least 
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  • I vote own room or space for the baby.  I could not sleep in the same room with either of my kids. I slept terribly when I did and putting them in their own room  helped them sleep much better.  Like pp suggested, maybe combine the two rooms until you know your LO will need her own space and work with it for the time being.
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  • Well I would tell your DH that he can have his man cave as long as the closet is baby's, the dresser/changing table in the room is baby's, the chair/glider is for the baby.  It all about sharing the space with the lil one and everything that comes with her.  Personally and this is just me(so no comments from the peanut gallery) when DD was small she stayed in our room too, but had her own room, that way if hubby and me wanted to get it on we could without lil ears around.  We could not have fun with baby in the room.  But I guess she doesn't need her own room, but you do need somewhere to out her stuff. 

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  • If the circumstances permit, it's always good for baby to have their own room. Our DD slept in our room for 4 or 5 months when she was born. It was the only way I could get her to sleep ( she nursed all night ) but I was so happy to move her into her own room! She did so much better alone in her room. Started sleeping through the night. I think by 9 months you will definitely be ready for her to be in her own room. My DD is such a light sleeper, and any times when we've had company over and used her room for them to stay in she stayed with us. It was horrible for all of us. Any time we would cough, turn over, go to the bathroom etc. she would wake up crying. It is also about intimacy between you and your husband. You need that alone time! 
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