WWYD: MIL advice needed!

bobbysgirl08

Here's the background: When DD was born, my MIL asked me what I could use for the baby..My parents had talked months before and decided to buy the furniture for the baby's room..My ILs didn't ask until well after the baby was born, and we got most of the big "necessities" we needed ( I didn't have a shower, but did have a baby naming after she was born)...After she was born, she asked what I could use, and I said a few ideas, but we never "settled on anything," as by that point I really didn't NEED anything...I was upset that she didn't ask sooner, especially since she got our cousins gifts, and even made sure my BIL got us a gift (the pack n play), but never took the initiative herself...Well now DD is almost a year, and this has long been forgotten..DH and I have discussed it months ago, and he was going to ask his parents, but never did, and other family issues (sickness,etc) have happened over the year that it didn't seem appropriate to ask...Now my MIL is asking what we'd like for DD's birthday, and I feel like she really doesn't realize she never gave us anything when DD is born..I want DH to bring it up "subtly" but he doesn't want his mom to feel bad and have her think that WE realize she never got us a gift during the whole year...On a side note: money isn't an issue, it's more the thought..My MIL is great and is wonderful with DD and always helps us with babysitting and stuff like that..I don't want to sound selfish, but I'm hoping she will realize it on her own.. She said she'd like to start a college fund for DD, so it'd be nice if she did that..Anyway, it's a touchy subject and I don't really feel like it's my place to bring it up...It's just strange that all random relatives, friends,etc .got DD a gift, but not my own ILs...I also feel like my parents went above and beyond making sure I was ready for the baby getting the furniture, necessities, and other things I needed when she came home, since I didn't have a shower, when my ILs make way more money than my parents!  Anyway, I appreciate the advice, since I feel like this is a delicate subject! Thanks for your thoughts!

kodiakk

We have had a similar situation.  It always blows my mind!  How can she be so thoughtless.  The only advice I can give you is to let your husband handle it.  Take his lead....I know for me it's not easy, but I really think it's best.  And if you say something and she does step up and get something for DD, it may seem uncomfortable and forced. 

emiliemadison

My advice? Tell your MIL what your LO would like for her birthday. The end. She asked what you wanted when your baby was born and you DIDNT ANSWER HER. It's not your MIL's fault that your parents went out and bought everything you needed. And yes, your parents did go above and beyond. Most new parents buy those big things for their own babies but your parents took care of so much that, by your own admission, there wasn't really anything left for your MIL to buy. Again, that's not her fault and obviously it was your parent's choice to buy those things and had nothing to do with how much they make compared to your MIL.

She wasn't obligated to get you something anyway. Be grateful that you have lots of loving family who is helping you so much and dont worry about keeping tabs on who's giving more than whom. That's petty.  Just give her some ideas of what you'd like (DONT give the same ideas to your own parents), then thank her genuinely for whatever she decides to give.

CGKyle

Sure it's a little odd they didn't get LO anything, but move on. You are way over thinking this in my opion, they asked what you needed, you didn't need anything, therefore you got nothing. Now they want to know what LO wants for her bday, tell them. You are coming off as gift grubby and petty to still be thinking of the lack of gifts they didn't shower you with.

laurakaz13

Gastro:

I doesn't really sound like "it's the thought that counts". Its sounds like you are pissed that MIL didn't get you a big ticket item for your LO. I would let this pass and if the ILs ask what to get in the future, tell them exactly what you want.

This.  Your child is almost a year old and you're still holding a grudge over this.  Get over it.  They didn't owe you anything and if you bring it up, you and your DH look like the *ssholes.  

katlizabeth

CGKyle:

Sure it's a little odd they didn't get LO anything, but move on. You are way over thinking this in my opion, they asked what you needed, you didn't need anything, therefore you got nothing. Now they want to know what LO wants for her bday, tell them. You are coming off as gift grubby and petty to still be thinking of the lack of gifts they didn't shower you with.

This and other pp...let go of it.  

If you want something for her birthday, let them know.  If you want a "thoughtful" gift, let them know that you'd like a special necklace, an engraved picture frame, etc...something that will last her life.  

JNBrickey

If that's your biggest problem with your MIL, you should spend your time calling hernand thanking her for being so involved in your daughter's life instead of writing a post about how she didn't buy you something.

Tell her what your daughter wants for her birthday. Move on. Be glad she isn't sending you emails cursing at you or worse. Sounds like you have one of the best MILs around here. 

lorist202

CGKyle:

Sure it's a little odd they didn't get LO anything, but move on. You are way over thinking this in my opion, they asked what you needed, you didn't need anything, therefore you got nothing. Now they want to know what LO wants for her bday, tell them. You are coming off as gift grubby and petty to still be thinking of the lack of gifts they didn't shower you with.

This exactly.  People will always ask you what LO wants/needs for birthdays, etc., so if it's a gift you really want, then be prepared with a couple of suggestions.  Get over the baby gift and consider it a lesson learned.

kodiakk

I would feel slighted by MIL as well....she should have asked well before LO arrived.  I don't think it's gift grabby to think that ILs would/should want to give a gift in honor of a LO. 

And from what I read of OP, she did give MIL a list of somethings she still wanted for LO and she got a big fat nothing....

I still say let your hubby handle it. 

bluesapph

There is nothing to "handle".  Let it go.  If they are involved in LO's life that is enough.  It doesn't sound like you needed anything.  Give her a couple of ideas for a birthday gift and leave it at that.  Believe it or not no one is obligated to give you a gift.  

tlxh7

emiliemadison:

My advice? Tell your MIL what your LO would like for her birthday. The end. She asked what you wanted when your baby was born and you DIDNT ANSWER HER. It's not your MIL's fault that your parents went out and bought everything you needed. And yes, your parents did go above and beyond. Most new parents buy those big things for their own babies but your parents took care of so much that, by your own admission, there wasn't really anything left for your MIL to buy. Again, that's not her fault and obviously it was your parent's choice to buy those things and had nothing to do with how much they make compared to your MIL.

She wasn't obligated to get you something anyway. Be grateful that you have lots of loving family who is helping you so much and dont worry about keeping tabs on who's giving more than whom. That's petty.  Just give her some ideas of what you'd like (DONT give the same ideas to your own parents), then thank her genuinely for whatever she decides to give.

This.

Brooke S

This is what is wrong with people now days.  It is all about the material things.  Your MIL spends time with your LO and babysits her.  What more can you really need from a grandmother.  There is nothing out there that says that people need to buy you gifts.  It is just a nice gesture.  You could have what my LO has.  My MIL and FIL would rather vacation in Texas all winter than spend his firsts with him.  They will come back this spring and be upset that he doesn't know them.  They buy him all the gifts in the world but it is the love and being involved in your LO's life that really counts.  That is the greatest gift that no money can buy.

AZ123

I'd take babysitting over a material item any day! I think you need to pick the hills you want to die on and this isn't one of them.  I also wouldn't harrass your DH about it. Let it go.

jerol

I have to agree with most of the others....babysitting is worth far more than the actual gift!

She has asked what to get DS for his bday....give her a few ideas- but the fact that she didn't get him a present at his birth shouldn't come up at all.

snowybride08

This seems like a really silly thing to even be thinking about.  You really need to let it go.  Like some PPs have said, it's not your MIL's fault that your parents were so awesome and bought you a bunch of stuff.  It sounds like she's really great over all, so I'm not sure what the problem is.  Let her know what you'd like her to get for your LO, end of story.