When your kid is left out. . .

anna12

Hi preschool moms! I don't usually post on this board, but I'm having an issue with my DD and I'm in need of advice on how to handle it.

My 4-year old daughter was in an in-home daycare with another girl, "J", from the time they were 1 until they were both 3 and started preschool. They were great friends in daycare, and essentially "grew up" together.

When they both moved to the 4 year old class in preschool, another girl, "B", joined the class. J and B quickly became fast friends, and only play with each other, excluding DD (and every other kid in the class!). I dont' think that any of the other kids care that J and B only play with each other, but it hurts DD's feelings deeply. She goes up and asks them nearly every day if she can play, and while J will sometimes try to include her, B nearly always says no. From what the teachers have said (and I have observed--it's a coop school) DD will be sad for a period and then play happily with other kids after being "sent away", but there are often tears at home in the evening or before school related J and B.

 I'm sort of at a loss on how to deal with this. The classroom teachers are aware of the situation and are taking some steps to deal with the in-class part, but what I'm not sure of is how to deal with DD and validate her feelings while also not encouraging her to dwell on this one relationship. (she plays and gets along great with everyone else in class, and there are other kids that clearly want to play with her.)

I don't want to minimize her feelings, as she is obviously hurt by being rejected, but at the same time I want her to learn how to manage these feelings and focus on the (many) friends that do want to play with her. I thought that maybe J and B would spend less time with eachother as the school year progressed, or that it would bother my DD less, but they are still doing everything together and my DD is not making much progress working through her feelings on her own. It is getting worse in the sense that when J and my DD do spend time together (during a playdate or when they are talking in the car on the way to school--we car pool), J will only talk about B and all the fun things they do together, or how much she is looking forward to seeing B. I redirect the conversation when I can, obviously.

I'm friends with J's mom, and I've mentioned it to her in passing, but I don't want it to turn into "your kid won't play with my kid" kind of thing, and I'm not really convinced that J and B are doing anything wrong, per se. I guess I feel like it isn't my place to change the other kid's behavior, I just want to help DD deal with her feelings of dissapointment and rejection.

 Thanks for any ideas or thoughts you may have. I thought I'd have at least a few more years before having to deal with "girl drama"!

anna12

Yikes! I didn't realize how long that was until I posted it. Sorry for being so wordy!

Pesky

Unfortunately, that's kind of the way of things as kids grow.  I would talk to your DD about it, that's it is okay to be sad that her friend seems to want to only play with someone else and then show your DD she has a choice -- she can sit and be sad about this and do nothing OR she can do what she has been and go off and make new friends with her remaining classmates.  You can tell her that when she goes to kindergarten, it could be HER who finds another friend that she really clicks with and wants to play with all the time.  That as she changes, sometimes our friends change and that is okay but it is also good she wants to be loyal to J and their friendship but she also has to respect the choices J is making here.  I would probably start arranging playdates with other kids in the class to foster friendships in another direction.

AlabamaMamma224

IMO, there is nothing that can be done about it.  Kids should be allowed to work out their social pecking order on their own, and unless they are being deliberately cruel to your daughter, I would leave it alone. J & B are having a 'bestie' phase, and I'm sure that sooner or later that they will annoy each other and move on to someone else.

 My DD comes home daily with reports on who is friends with whom today.  It seems like your DD is handling it well for a 4 yr old and it will probably run its course.  Encourage DD to play with others as often as you can and she will find a new 'bestie' too

KathrynMD

why don't help her make a plan every day/every few days for who else she can play with at school - like in the car in the morning - say - "hey, I bet Susie would like to play in housekeeping w/ you today!" or "You should read w/ Derek today" or whatever - give her another person and an activity to do w/ different people.  so, sort of pre-empt her, so she's not going back to her default of playing w/ those girls.  I would also start setting up playdates w/ the other kids.  You don't need to be no friends w/the other girls/girls, but you need to get your DD to not fixate on them either.

jellyjellybean

There are two little boys like that in DS' preschool room, they are only "best buddies" with each other.  I try to explain that it's fun to play with everyone and that you can have a different best buddy every day if you want to. I agree with pp, your DD seems to be handling it in her own way.

anna12

Thanks, this is all very helpful and makes me feel better that this is a normal phase of preschool.

I agree with everyone that I don't think J and B are doing anything wrong or bad by playing only with each other, but after a few months of hearing "J and B won't let me play with them" I was wondering if I was being a bad parent and needed to be more involved. 

It is a great idea to do playdates with other kids from the class. DD has playdates with lots of different kids, but I realized that none of them (except for J) are in this class. Adding a few classmates to the playdate mix would probably make a big difference.

Thanks again for helping ease my concerns.

futrkingsley

I think all of it EXCEPT car-pooling with the kid who excludes her at school are normal parts of growing up.  I'd dwell on a crappy friendship too if I had to commute to work with that person and all she talked about was someone she liked better than me. 

Either stop carpooling so your kid can get excited about school in the morning without being brought down by J insensitively talking about B every freaking day OR talk to her mom about it and really really work on having the carpool being a no-B zone for your daughter.  She doesn't need that in her life every day, especially if you want her to "get past it."

 

AZ123

I sort of agree on the carpooling thing and because you're friends it is sort of pushed on your daughter. On the other hand, if it weren't your daughter, it would be another kid. They are all so super clicky at preschool. My DS1 has 2 besties and they refuse to play with other kids. He'd tell me how Ethan wanted to play and they'd tell him no. Well mama was all over that considering how much I was teased and excluded as a child. So, I'd coach him, like how would you like it if you could't play with so-and-so and why don't you invite Ethan to play today and tell me when I pick you up how it went. That sort of thing.

Sorry you're having to deal with this but these kids are so super clicky. it is annoying.
Maybe there's a book you can read her that would help her sort out her feelings.

shopgirl78

I have been on the other side of the fence.  My DD has been the girl not allowing MY closest friend's daughter (J) play with her. I know she felt left out and her mother mentioned it also (and I knew but I am glad she did).  I was able to talk to my DD and tell her it IS NOT acceptable to treat J that way.  They used to be real close but they do have 2 different personalities.  I still prompt my DD when we are going to hang out with them.   I absolutely cannot have any other DD's other close friends with us or poor J is left out : ( 

I would talk to the mom (esp since carpooling seems to be an issue).  As the other girls mother, I'd want to know.