New Member

argarg21

Unfortunately I join you today.

 2 rounds of IVF, 11 embryos (graded above 2 or B, mostly "excellent"), but nothing made it pass the  genetic tests

 I was due to implant tomorrow, and reeling from nothing. 

What now ? 

We have been hoping and planning for this for months.  Thinking I will never have a kid is killing me like I cannot describe. I have an incredible husband.  I really wanted this, financed all of the IVF through my own earnings. At the same time I realize how many ways I am responsible for this (especially for all you lurkers who like to rub salt into our wounds)

I am over 40, and did not think I wanted kids until I was in my mid to late 30's. Met Mr. Wonderful way too late, we had a miscarriage (naturally) when I was 39 and once I could try again I went for the top of tech

For the people who will email this group about crappy things (I have been lurking):

you spent too much on this, you could have spent on X:  there are people we know that have spent more on their wardrobe and certainly more on their cars than I have spent on IVF. Protest outside of Neiman Marcus or your nearest luxury car dealership.  

 adopt/foster/donor egg?: Not ruling this out, but it is a huge change in perspective. If you are not the successful parent of only adoptees/foster children/donor eggs you do not deserve a point of view. If you are, go at it - but on a different forum. 

 It is all my fault: there is some reason to say this.  I started really late, I had the fortune of meeting a wonderful man when I was in my late 30's. Life happens. I consider myself very lucky to have the possibility of choosing IVF, even though we were not successful, it is promising

 

What next?  

 

I really do not know yet. I am trying my best to re-frame my life into another existence.  Will I be happy - of course - I will find a way.  Will I ever hear a toddler say I love you Mommy? no... and that breaks my heart.

 

-argarg21 

hollymichael

I am very sorry you have to be here. It is not a board where anyone ever wants to be.

Please don't blame yourself for your age when you started to TTC. I also met my husband later and didn't marry until I was 37. We started TTC right away, but my eggs were already bad. Who is to say they wouldn't have been crap at 27? After all, lots of women still get pregnant in there late 30's. Even if my eggs would have been fine at a younger age, I didn't meet DH until later. So, nothing I could do about it. Anyway, my point is that I don't blame myself and you shouldn't either.

If you do decide to go the DE route, I am happy to answer questions. Although it didn't work for me, I did tons of research on it and am happy to pass along my knowledge.

Hang in there. I promise that the pain and sadness does get better over time. ((Hugs))

BeckyP005

I am truly sorry you have to be here. Please don't blame yourself. I got married to my second husband at 41. Never thought I would EVER be divorced. This whole IF stinks. Not 100% know what I'm doing either...maybe DE. I wish I could say something to make you feel better or atleast smile. Sending you some hugs

annhlotr

I'm sorry you're here. I've been lurking, but I posted for the first time not long ago. I'm struggling  with how to frame my life, too. So many people define family as husband and wife and children. Can't I be defined as part of a family, too, even though there will never be children? I keep telling myself that my life will be different, not useless and without purpose. But I have this voice inside me saying that I was meant to be a mother. That will never happen. I know that. But I long for a child. My reaction to pregnancy announcements isn't pretty- there are always tears. I count it as a good day if I can give my congratulations and escape before the tears come. My reactions to holding newborns varies. Sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I feel joy. Once I sobbed. I always want to know why they can have children, but I can't. Since I'm in my early twenties, there are lots of pregnancy announcements and lots of newborns.

 As my fianc? and I prepare for marriage (the wedding is in July) we're having lots of conversations about what we think our life should be like. What we should focus on. What our purpose as husband and wife is. We were raised to believe that the main purpose of marriage is to provide a loving home for children. Since that isn't going to happen, we're going to have to show people that our marriage isn't without meaning just because there will be no children. 

 I think we can be happy and we can have purpose in life, but I think I will always feel empty when I think about children. Maybe it gets better. Maybe it will get better. But right now I'm struggling.  

 Please don't blame yourself. Life happens, and it isn't always pretty. That doesn't mean it's necessarily our fault. I hope that whatever happens, you find a way to be happy and cherish your marriage. Best of luck.

 Anna