Stay at home vs. career

LeonaW12

Have you ever had this conversation (or argument) with your husband?

I really want to be able to stay home with my kids, at least the first year. My husband does not want this at all. He values having a career very much, and I see where he is coming from. I just think being home with the baby is so much more important for me. My mother worked and I went to a babysitter every weekday until I was old enough to go to school. I loved my babysitter, and I have such fond memories of her. But it's just that, most of my memories from being that young are with her. I'll admit we don't make a ridiculous amount of money, but we make enough to have a family. We would just have to cut back on eating out and buying so many things for ourselves. But who doesn't do this when you have a baby..

Anyhow, just wondering where you and you're husband stand on this issue. (We have came to screaming and crying fights on more than one occasion over this issue)

P.S. Please don't judge me for the fighting comment. All couples fight every now and then

curlylocks3

I don't personally want to stay home full time. I love my job and I know I would miss it. Additionally its not a place they have openings in often, so staying at home would mean starting over (plus I'd be out of the loop on current practice, etc). 

We have talked about me cutting my hours and going part time when we have a baby. I would like to have more time with a baby than working full time would give me, plus I am concerned about finding childcare that will work with our full time schedules. 

As for what we do, it will really come down to how childcare works and money. Currently our health insurance is through my work and it would cost quite a bit more to switch to DH's or to pay the part-time rate for mine. It may be though that the amount of money we'd save from doing part time childcare would balance the change in insurance costs. Its kind of up in the air but we do have a couple different plans and when its something we actually have to worry about we'll decide which works best for us.

happilyeverafterxo

My husband and I have had this talk on more than one occasion. DH would love for me to be a Stay-at-Home Mom (because that is what I would love, ultimately), but I just don't know how we would manage with only one income.

So...I have to keep working. Maybe someday...DH wants to start coursework toward a doctorate so he can possibly teach at the collegiate level someday. Perhaps someday our situation will change, but for now, we will both be working.

Spruce14

Dh and I have a business together that can't function without both of us. We have discussed hiring someone in my place for at least a few days a week so I can be home some of the time. I couldn't deal with working the way I do now with a LO. We pretty much agree on this....although I will only know for sure what we will decide once it happens. Unfortunately a lot of the decision will be financially based.

lulamagoo

We have this conversation a lot. 

We hope that I will be able to stay at home mom.  He wants this because he knows how much I want it.  

We currently only use his income to live.  We have tried to do this from day one so that we don't have to make as many financial adjustments when we have a family.

MrsMDem

We have had this conversation many times. I love my job but I am going to stay home full time after we have LO. DH wants me to but I also want to. My mom did not have a choice, she had to work a lot when I was little. I really wished that she could have been a SAHM when I was young. I want to stay home at least until the LOs are school age. I am thankful that DHS job will allow me to do this.

+easye+

I will go back to work. We would both love for me to be able to stay at home with our future children, but financially it would not be an option for us. We live below our means, but still could not afford the essentials on only MH's income. Maybe in the future there is a possibility but not with this current economy.

I would like to look at options for cutting back a few hours and or doing SOME work from home (I will have my mom for childcare) so we'll see. However I carry our insurance which is significantly better and less expensive than MH's so I couldn't go below 20 hours a week.

 

runnergirl326

We have talked about this, and as much as I want to be a SAHM, I know that financially we can't do this. If it works out, I would love to go to part-time, but that will depend on how busy we are in the office if my boss would consider letting me do this.

 

MrsMDem

GhostMonkey:

This is in our file under "Things that we talked about before getting married because a difference of opinion can cause some major issues".

 

Agreed 100%, DH and I talked about this way before we got married.

Temp878586125009588

Both DH and I have had this conversation and we are both on agreement that I will be a SAHM. We both understand there is value to being home with a LO.

 ETA: Value to staying at home with a LO, meaning we both agree it's best and we can afford to make that decision so we think it's best that I do SAH.  

cantalopes24

GhostMonkey:

This is in our file under "Things that we talked about before getting married because a difference of opinion can cause some major issues".

 

 This. But since you didn't it should definitely fall under "Things we don't get into screaming/crying fights about before we TTC".  And yes I did just suggest you wait to have a baby until you can discuss how you will raise the baby like adults/coparents should. 

lulamagoo

MrsMDem:

GhostMonkey:

This is in our file under "Things that we talked about before getting married because a difference of opinion can cause some major issues".

 

Agreed 100%, DH and I talked about this way before we got married.

 

curlylocks3

GhostMonkey:

This is in our file under "Things that we talked about before getting married because a difference of opinion can cause some major issues".

Well yes, that too. 

lovin life23

MrsMDem:

GhostMonkey:

This is in our file under "Things that we talked about before getting married because a difference of opinion can cause some major issues".

 

Agreed 100%, DH and I talked about this way before we got married.

this. we talked about it before we got married in our premarital class and on our own. I dont think I would want to be a SAHM entirely...maybe take 3 months off but I am pretty positive I would want to go back to work. DH said in the beginning he agree's its okay if I dont want to be a SAHM and we cant afford it. but if by the time we have kids and we can afford it HE may change his mind and want me to be a SAHM. Friends we know, the wife quite her job to be a SAHM to their older kids and is currently pregnant. she homeschools and DH really loves the idea of that so he says he wants to work his butt off now and save and raise income every year so that when we do have kids if we want to homeschool and he wants be to be a SAHM (if I am okay with it) then we can go for it....IF we can afford it that is...we'll see. all of that to say though, we talked about it before getting married.

angelsnight

MH doesn't want me to stay home because, in his words, he doesn't want to have to deny our kids we got to do as kids because we don't have enough money.  I personally think this is ridiculous.....I don't think not seeing my children during most of the day is a reasonable sacrifice just so we can afford to put them in little league or something.  Buying food and clothes for them yes, paying for anything their little heart desires, no.

I don't want to stay home because A. we cannot live off just his income, and B. I know as much fun as it sounds now, I would get very bored home all day everyday with no adult interaction.  I don't, however want to work 40 hours outside the home.  My dream is to work from home and have the best of both worlds, I can be home with the kids but still have a sense of independence with a job.

runforcookies

We both agree we would want me to at least be part time. My job isn't a part time job though so who knows. I really want to stay with my company, so I will probably have to take a lower position, but that is whats important to us. 

lovin life23

cantalopes24:

GhostMonkey:

This is in our file under "Things that we talked about before getting married because a difference of opinion can cause some major issues".

 

 This. But since you didn't it should definitely fall under "Things we don't get into screaming/crying fights about before we TTC".  And yes I did just suggest you wait to have a baby until you can discuss how you will raise the baby like adults/coparents should. 

yes. this is something that you really should talk about and decide on before TTC...

nbalkin

I applaud women who want to be stay at home mom's, but I could never do it. I spent too long to become a doctor and I love what I do. DH never thought I would be a stay at home mom, because he knows that I would get bored at home too fast and because we live in a world where most homes need two incomes. I want to be able to give our child all the things that I was given as a child and that involves a dual income. But I have to admit there are days where I can see myself at home with our kids making cupcakes and playing all day, but then I remember I can have that on the weekends.

JessaPrimate

DH is self-employed, so we rely on my job for health insurance. Our plan is for me to back to work after #1. If his business takes off around #2, I may become a SAHM.

LeonaW12

cantalopes24:

GhostMonkey:

This is in our file under "Things that we talked about before getting married because a difference of opinion can cause some major issues".

 

 This. But since you didn't it should definitely fall under "Things we don't get into screaming/crying fights about before we TTC".  And yes I did just suggest you wait to have a baby until you can discuss how you will raise the baby like adults/coparents should. 

We have already came to a decision, perfect for our situation. That's what got me thinking about this and wanted to ask others. And I'm so sorry for the snarkiness but, it's a wonderful thing that you don't get to decide who and when someone starts building their family.

LeonaW12

nbalkin:

I applaud women who want to be stay at home mom's, but I could never do it. I spent too long to become a doctor and I love what I do. DH never thought I would be a stay at home mom, because he knows that I would get bored at home too fast and because we live in a world where most homes need two incomes. I want to be able to give our child all the things that I was given as a child and that involves a dual income. But I have to admit there are days where I can see myself at home with our kids making cupcakes and playing all day, but then I remember I can have that on the weekends.

Yay for becoming a doctor!! 

dinonugget1517

We have never had an argument about it.  I have wanted to be a stay at home mom as my "job" ever since I was a child.  He knew what he was getting into when he married me.  But like PP stated, he also realizes the benefits to having a parent SAH.  The argument will come when our youngest goes to kindergarten.  He wants me to at least get a part time job, however I want to be around all the time when my kids are in school.  I want to be the "room" mom and go on field trips and when they are in high school, come home to a parent there not by themself.  I got into a lot of trouble in my high schools years because I was always by myself due to both my parents working.

HappyLadyy

I planned on going back to work after having our son but loved staying home with him and changed my mind. Dh was very supportive. I do occasionally work part time. Not going to lie sometimes I need to get out of the house and talk to adults:) Childcare can be expensive. So remind him of that. There are other options besides working a full time job and only staying home. Try to look at some compirmises. It isn't such a black and white situation. 

mrsjollybrown

I want my husband to be a stay at home dad. He is rather smart and I truly believe our kids would learn more if he did. Unfortunately he makes the big bucks and we cannot afford to do this. He wants me to work but I don't think that he realizes how much day care costs for newborns. 

I think you should find a new approach to this same argument. If y'all have to write each other letters to avoid the screaming then so be it. It's hard trying to push past an issue when nobody is listening. Reading/writing gives the advantage of time and distance and allows for logical thinking to come in without the screaming and emotions. 

nbalkin

LeonaW12:

nbalkin:

I applaud women who want to be stay at home mom's, but I could never do it. I spent too long to become a doctor and I love what I do. DH never thought I would be a stay at home mom, because he knows that I would get bored at home too fast and because we live in a world where most homes need two incomes. I want to be able to give our child all the things that I was given as a child and that involves a dual income. But I have to admit there are days where I can see myself at home with our kids making cupcakes and playing all day, but then I remember I can have that on the weekends.

Yay for becoming a doctor!! 

Thanks Leona!

tiffk10

If we are able to swing things financially we both agree that I will be a SAHM until LOs are in school. If we aren't able to do this and are able to move back home (something we are currently working on) we have plenty of family willing to help us with any future LOs we may have.

Mac221

GhostMonkey:

This is in our file under "Things that we talked about before getting married because a difference of opinion can cause some major issues".

 

This is true, we also talked about this before kids and we were both set on me going back to work.  BUT, when my son was born everything changed for me, me wanting to stay with him was more important than the career I had been working so hard for.  And there were many big fights over it. He eventually agreed with me and I'm a SAHM now, but it was def not easy getting him to see my point or even understanding how I could have changed my way of thinking so fast. I couldn't explain it, but the I knew I didn't want to leave him.   

 

notquiteblushing

I have very little desire to become a SAHM.  I like my career and my independence. I would consider going part time if my job and finances would allow it.

jonesdouglas

I am in the middle of law school applications and I work full time, and so does DH.

We both plan on working. 

CurlyQ284

No, we havent discussed it.  We live in a HCOL area and DH pays child support for my two step daughters. Theres no way we could afford to live on one income. 

Ladylec

GhostMonkey:

This is in our file under "Things that we talked about before getting married because a difference of opinion can cause some major issues".

 

Agreed. We talked about this when we had only been dating for about 2 months. I want to be a SAHM until all our future babies are in school full time. I personally am not comfortable having my kids in daycare because I would not want to miss out on all the quality time with them. It is what I had growing up and I loved it and DH agrees.

Jessa1807

I stay home with our two kids and we wouldn't have it any other way. It is what we feel is best for our family. DH is a fireman and we also don't make a lot of money. We do have to make sacrifices because we choose to have one income, but it is worth it. And we really don't feel like we are missing out on much.

kimcchem

Honestly, much like the other posters said, we talked about this before getting married.  We had premarital counseling with our Pastor and that was one of the big topics touched on (heck it was one of the big subjects we touched on during some of our first dates).  My husband has always known that I wanted to keep working after we had children, and he is good with it.  In a perfect world he would prefer me to stay home, but I absolutely love my job, not to mention the fact that I bring home the bigger paycheck and it would be really difficult to raise a family off of my husbands paycheck alone. 

Really sit down and discuss it with your hubby, maybe make a list of pros/cons (if money is an issue research how much daycare costs in your area, is it worth it to keep your job and pay daycare or stay at home with your baby and be less a paycheck, don't let it become a screaming match, someone has to keep a cool head.  Afterall, there will be many decisions for the two of you to make regarding your future child ahead of you, this is just one of many...

tinamorgan

DH and I have talked about it and we are in agreement, I will stay home for the first three months and then after that I will go back to work.  I will work nights and DH will work days, I will only work 25 to 30 hours a week in order to keep insurance. It will be tough since I will most likely not see DH unless we are sleeping, but that is a sacrifice that DH and I have discussed and we are willing to make.  I was in daycare a lot when I was a kid, and so was DH.  We were known as LatchKey kids.  I don't want this for my future LO's, I want a parent at home as much as possible.  When my kids are older, I will go back to working days, and I will be home when my kids get there, and be there in the morning to get them to school.  I am lucky, my job is wonderful, and they are willing to work with the employees that have kids.

LeonaW12

nbalkin:

LeonaW12:

nbalkin:

I applaud women who want to be stay at home mom's, but I could never do it. I spent too long to become a doctor and I love what I do. DH never thought I would be a stay at home mom, because he knows that I would get bored at home too fast and because we live in a world where most homes need two incomes. I want to be able to give our child all the things that I was given as a child and that involves a dual income. But I have to admit there are days where I can see myself at home with our kids making cupcakes and playing all day, but then I remember I can have that on the weekends.

Yay for becoming a doctor!! 

Thanks Leona!

When I started college I was really considering going the doctor route, partly because my mom wanted it. But I really wanted to be a teacher, just like her! So that's what I did. Majoring in French education actually. I want to get my PhD some day and teach at the post secondary level as well. I'm really looking forward to teaching high school for a while though.

LeonaW12

Thanks for all your insight ladies! I figured we weren't the only couple who had this conversation (or a change of heart) post-nuptuals. I'm almost finished with my teaching degree and so excited to be teaching in a school next year! (And looking forward to the summers I'll get to spend at home with my family!) 

For those who think I'm 18.. don't know where you got that one. I got married when I was 18, but as apparent by my signature, that was some time ago. Just because I posted about something today doesn't mean it happened today.

 

Why can't we all just get along?? (Sorry, had to throw that in there!) Oh yeah and this, momma always said "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all." 

BlueEyes313

GhostMonkey:

This is in our file under "Things that we talked about before getting married because a difference of opinion can cause some major issues".

 

 This. A good part of the reason we married each other is that we share the same values and future goals with respect to handling our family. We don't fight either. We really don't have anything to fight about.

notquiteblushing

LeonaW12:

For those who think I'm 18.. don't know where you got that one. I got married when I was 18, but as apparent by my signature, that was some time ago. Just because I posted about something today doesn't mean it happened today.

 

Of course you did.

erpetdoc

We had this discussion, and we were all set for both of us to work, and to send LO to daycare.  It wasn't ideal for what I wanted, but with my student loans, my then current job, and our other financial obligations, it is what we needed to do. 

Then, I got super lucky.  A friend who was moving told me to contact her part-time employer, and see if I could help fill in the shifts that would be open due to her leaving.  I did fill those in, and was then offered a full-time position with that hospital.  The new position pays twice what I made before, has better health insurance, and gives me the opportunity to be at home with LO more than half of each month.  Yes, I have to work long shifts (12-15 hours), and most of them are overnights, but it is totally worth it.

So, what I would say is wait to make the final decision until LO is here.  You never know what will happen in that time frame.  I think that it is great if one parent can stay home, even if it's only for 3 or 6 months.  We had opted to do 6 months if I would have stayed in my previous job...12 weeks of maternity leave for me, followed by 12 weeks of paternity leave (FMLA) for him.  All of it would have been unpaid, but we had a savings for that time.  However, I understand that it's simply not feasible for this to work in all families.  You do the best you can for your LO, and that is that.  Good luck to you as you navigate this difficult decision!

BananaBlitz

I am a SAHM now. I took 5 months off after DD was born, then returned to work for 8 months. It wasn't for me. If I had a job I loved, I may have continued working. But, I LOVE being home!!! H is totally, 100% supportive. It is also easier because he travels frequently for work. Both H and I had mothers who SAH while we were young, and returned to work when all the kids were in school.

bluebird0521

DH and I have discussed this, but we have never had a fight over it. We talked about me being a SAHM while we were dating. I have always wanted to be a SAHM until my children were old enough to go to school. DH agrees 100% and has been very supportive. Financially we are able to do it, and its what I've always wanted (plus he liked the idea of not putting the baby in daycare) so there's never been a need to fight over it.

I will say that when you get into screaming fights, no one is listening. Try staying calm and explaining why this is important to you. Then listen to his concerns. I'm sure he isn't disagreeing with you for the heck of it. He is probably concerned about money, since you mentioned you would have to cut back on things. Just try to understand where he is coming from and I'm sure you can come to some agreement or compromise. You can't always win in marriage you have to realize what he wants is important too.