Choosing guardians

leapgirl8

CTbride commented about this on TTT, and as it's something we just discussed this weekend, I'd love your input. How did you choose? If you haven't chosen yet, who are you considering, and why?

Two*True

It was relatively easy for us. We knew it would be a family member, but the question was whether it would be one of K's sisters (and which one, she has 6) or my brother (my only sibling).  Because K is older, her sisters are also older.  If K and I died today would they want a 2 year old? Do they want to raise another child while in their 50s?  My brother is two years younger than me, single, but stable.  We know that if my brother had to raise JB tomorrow he would have overwhelming support from our family.  So for us we knew that if my brother had JB, K's sisters would always be there to help guide him and lend a hand. 

So my brother is her legal guardian should something happen to us, however one of K's sister is executor of our estate.  

Alysia82

My wife and I took several things into account:

1. The age of the person/people

      We wanted to make sure that the person we picked wasn't too old.

2. Financially stability

    We wanted to make sure that the person we picked was financially stable to care for a child.

3. Current (and projected) energy of the individual

    They need to have the energy to keep up with a child.

4. Religious/Spiritual beliefs

    We looked for someone whos beliefs where aligned with our own.

5. Communication style

    This person would have to be able to communicate with various members of our family and our friends.

6. Feelings towards LGBT issues

    We don't want our children to be raised by someone who has issues with LGBT folks nor LGBT civil rights.

This was a hard decision for us but we are happy with the decision that we made. We also made sure to talk tot he person that we picked just in case they didn't want to have that responsibility.

ctbride08

This was (is) so hard for us. We had to choose for the adoption ppwk and I'm still not sure that we made the right choice.  A big part of the difficulty was that we have 3 children.  We didn't go with our most logical choice (DW's brother/sil) because they have explicitly said that they are "one and done" and don't want any more than 1 child.  So how could we potentially "saddle" them with 4?  My brother isn't in a position to parent and may never be.   So that ruled out our siblings.  When we continued to look at extended family there just werent any great fits.  We ended up going outside of the family - which makes me a little sad/uncomfortable, but i think its the best choice.  We chose who we did because they:

- are financially stable and have good careers

- love our children and would raise them in a similar manner

- have a healthy and loving marriage (from what we can see)

- are willing (they straight out volunteered within days of getting the children, lol)

2brides

This was really hard for us. Family was out. Both sets of parents are too old/not interested. I don't have any siblings and we have very different parenting philosophies from all of L's 3 siblings. There were a few pre-kid friends we considered but ruled out because we don't see them often (and wanted the kids to really know whoever it was going to be since the trauma of losing both of us would already be go great) and/or because we didn't feel like they would be responsible with the life insurance policy money that would come with the kids.

In the end we chose a good male friend of ours. Since we had the boys, he's gotten married to a woman who is a Foreign Service Officer. They are living in Paris right now and will be stationed in Africa after this. We stated questioning the whole notion of the boys not knowing them, but that seems okay at this point. We Skype with them and when they come into town we make sure to see him. It doesn't hurt that the boys adore him. He and his wife share a lot of our same values and we feel confident that they would be loved and taken care of - and being a global nomad would be kinda cool.

kendylann

This was one of those things that didn't play out at all like we thought it would. There was one option that appeared to be the obvious "best" choice when we were pregnant, so we went with it. However, over the course of E's first year, the relationship between E and these family members did not develop as we expected. Also, since E's arrival, they have become especially vocal about how much they love their current (child-free) family/life and it's really hard to imagine where E and his siblings might fit in to that. The other thing that changed is that once he was here for us to know and love, we felt a heightened sense of duty/urgency to pick the Right People, keeping in mind we weren't just picking the people to finish the job of raising him - as 2brides noted, if he ended up in their care, it would mean the unthinkable had happened to both of us so we were also picking the people we wanted to comfort and navigate him through the greatest trauma a child can experience. The problem is, we really don't have any candidates that would be good in both roles. We ended up changing our wills to name my parents. Realistically, they are probably too old to take permanent guardianship of him, but they are the people (after us) that he is closest to so we talked with them about how we would like them to care for him as long as it takes for his little world to stabilize, and then use their own judgment about naming subsequent guardians from there. I suspect we'll change it again (and maybe again and again and again) as our children's relationships with family and friends shift over time, but that's where we are with it today. Tough, tough, tough.

leapgirl8

My parents are the obvious choice right now, but I worry about what position they will be in 10 years from now, on both health and financial fronts. On the other hand, neither my sister nor my brother are ideal right now (my sister is only 21 and just beginning her life, and my brother is a single man focused on work, not kids), but they might be perfect in 10 years. We are considering naming my sister as the legal guardian, with the understanding that my parents would actually take the children in and raise them for as long as they could. I don't know if this is feasible, or if we should just name my parents now and change it to my sister later if necessary. Since we will need a lawyer for the adoptions anyway, I guess we will discuss it with the lawyer and see what she thinks. (Jen's family was not considered for various reasons. Large philosophical differences.)

Kershnic

Obviously we don't have kids yet, but our lawyer had us write this regarding potential future kids in our wills in case something happens before we get everything updated when we have kids.  We chose my sister and BIL as first choice, and DW's parents as second.  My sister and BIL are the people we're closest to, they're family, and I have every assurance that they would love and raise our children like their own children who we are now watching them raise.  My parents are too old/too many health problems to handle young children.  DW's sisters are younger and neither is married or done with school yet.  

We may someday re-write things to have someone in DW's family co-responsible for managing the life insurance money.  This is hard to think about even regarding future children!!! 

mandykatie

In my mind, we've chosen my bro and SIL.  We haven't asked them (b/c no kids yet), but they fit the criteria.  He's my only sib, and K's only sib moved to Australia and stopped speaking to us.  So... yeah.  My big brother.

LV1979

We are not parents yet but we have discussed this a lot and when we are blessed with children we will ask a close friend couple of ours if they would be willing if something happened to us.  We both have siblings who we would not leave our potential children with for childcare let alone to raise, my mother is disabled, and my inlaws are way to emotionally abusive.  These friends do not have kids yet but our close friends and have been involved with our families and we know they would make sure our future kids had a relationship with our families.  We have another option in my childhhod bestfriend but we really want our children raised by two moms.

EratMama

We drew up wills when we were married, and the lawyer also encouraged us to put "any future children.." in there.  And, when/if we adopt Pumpkin or another child, we would name someone then. 

L's family would not be a good fit-- mom is too old/wouldn't want to, bro is single and not ready (although a great uncle).  We named my bro and his wife... enough shared values (although some different ones) but they are geographically and emotionally close to my parents, and would all work together I am sure. 

2moms2twins

we are dealing with this RIGHT NOW .... UGG. I am also a lil surprised at how many people listed their parents when we brought this up to out ATTNY she strongly advised against this mainly basing that on  the AGE FACTOR.... SO I asked my Sister who is a ADA and she also said the same thing Do not list our parents and in fact when her and her husband we doing their paperwork her Attny said the same thing....

Its a tough decision - we will choose 2 different people one person to be their guardians and one to manager their estate/Trust so the two people have to be in agreement ... and obviously it helps with checks and balances.... I HOPE and GOD FORBID!

 

Mrs._F

Thanks for this post and all the thoughtul responses.

I am embarrassed to say that we STILL have not done this. That is how difficult we are finding the decision.

I am glad to see that others have named their parents, with the intention of changing that in time.  That may be best for us...

C's parents are too old. She has one sib, who is married and will surely soon have kids, but they live in rural PA on a farm.  Henry does/will see them every couple of months, but I just can't cope with the idea of sending him to live in a completely different place after experiencing the unthinkable. Plus, there are some philosophical differences I can't get past.

My sibs are too young. My half sis and bro are both in high school, and youngest half bro is 5! My sis could definitely be a great option...in 10 years. My mom (who is the one with the 5 yo) is QUITE over being a primary parent (he was unplanned) and I would not want to saddle her with full care of another young child.  My dad (and stepmom) seem to be the only choice, and I know he would be conscientious about making sure Henry stayed connected to the rest of his family.  He is an amazing dad, who I know loves C & I (and Henry of course!) 100% and would do his best to care for him in a way that would make us really proud. That being said, he and my stepmom are soon to be empty nesters, and while they are quite young, it feels unfair to "burden" them with starting all over as parents.

Honestly, my heart tells me to choose friends.  I feel like C doesn't really agree with me there. Plus, we don't really have "oldest and dearest" friends that fit the bill.  It is newer friends that I think of, and that seems weird. "Oh hi, we've only known each other 2 years - want our kid if we die?" Sigh.

Obv C and I really need to discuss this further and GET MOVING on this decision. In the meantime, we have limited our time and distance away from H together because this "what if" is in the back of my mind. 

After reading all your replies and thinking through my own. I'm wondering if maybe we should desginate my dad for now, and revisit the issue down the line.

Thanks ladies

cookiemonster03

We'd planned on a friend, but we hardly ever see his friend now that we've moved and I don't know that the girls will know him enough to risk it...we haven't written our wills yet because of this Our parents are too old, and my brother is too unstable. My SIL isn't exactly in a prosperous career, but she might be our best/only option right now

Kershnic

2moms - Remember that parents depends a lot on the age and health of your parents.  We know from recent conversations about age that there's a pretty large range here, and that means our parents are even more spread out.  DW's parents are not much older than some of the wives or partners here (and even though we're the same age, her parents are almost 10 years younger than mine.)  Also, working with low-income at-risk families, I've seen plenty of capable child raising grandmas!

Mrs._F

Kershnic:

2moms - Remember that parents depends a lot on the age and health of your parents.  We know from recent conversations about age that there's a pretty large range here, and that means our parents are even more spread out.  DW's parents are not much older than some of the wives or partners here (and even though we're the same age, her parents are almost 10 years younger than mine.)  

Yes. I'm 26 and my parents had me very young - they are younger than the oldest among us on this board. C's parents are the age of my grandparents, so they wouldn't be a logical choice.