Intro and Advice! :-)

Monalisa13x

Hello Everyone!

 I am brand spankin' new here. Let me give you a little background:

My DH and I have been TTC for over 3 years (I have PCOS). We have done four rounds of clomid, but I am clomid resistant. We have always liked the idea of adoption, but thought it was far fetched (cost, finding a BM, my previous health issues).

Then, last week, my mom told me that the minister that officiated our wedding had contacted her and asked if we were still interested in adoption. Of course she said yes. The ministers step niece (who is 18 and wants to go to college) is 19 weeks pregnant and would like to adopt. The minister is going to counsel her (she herself had a pregnancy at 16 and chose to give her baby to an adopting couple) but she isn't going up to New Jersey (We live in Maryland) until the first weekend in February. So while she says she is into adopting (Minister said it's all she has been talking about since day one), we won't know until she talks to her in person and can read her face, etc.

We are new to all of this, and are being so cautious because we don't want to get hurt. I am just looking for some guidance...we don't want to jump too far ahead before February, but she is due in June and that doesn't leave us with a lot of time. I am nervous about the homestudy because I have a few medical conditions (all under control, including hypothyroidism, and scleroderma which is in remission) and our house is tiny (but 2 bedrooms, 1.5 baths) and we have pets. I'm not sure how all of this plays into a homestudy, and while I've read a lot about them each state is so very different, and it makes me so nervous.

I am also nervous about the BM backing out. I worry that she will say she is into it and then not sign over the rights after delivery. I know this is a very real worry, but it scares me to no end.

I also worry because MD state law allows 30 days for the birth parent to regain rights. How can you enjoy the first 30 days of life with your little one without worrying that they are going to get snatched out of your hands?

We have picked up two books (Adopting for Dummies and You Can Adopt) and they have been helpful, but it also helps to hear real stories. So hurl 'em at me! Good and bad... I will take every experience you've got.

I just feel like how often does this happen? How often does a birth mother just kind of show up in your life? But in the same token, I don't want to get my hopes up.

Any and all advice appreciated. Thanks, and sorry for such a long intro!

Dr.Loretta

Hi and welcome. Find an adoption lawyer NOW

To answer some of your questions/concerns:

Homestudies typically want you to have enough room for a child (which it sounds like you do), be expected to live a normal lifespan (you'll need a note from your dr, but it sounds like you have things under control), and not have aggressive pets (which it sounds like you don't). While HS requirements may be slightly different here and there, the general "rules" tend to apply across the board.

You just have to take your chances with a BM backing out. It's a good thing that she's getting counseling, though I'll admit I'd feel more comfortable if it wasn't someone she's related to. But it is what it is.

Every state has a revocation timeline. Again, it is what it is. Sometimes you just have to keep in mind that you're giving this child a wonderful home for however long that is. And you may get a much better feel for how this will go once you meet the e-mom. You also want to keep the e-dad in mind, because your state will likely require him to sign TPR as well.

Here's our story:

We decided to adopt after 3 years of TTC. We went through an adoption agency that has offices in our region. We started the process in May/June 2009, and our homestudy was completed by mid-October. Our profile went active in December 2009, and we were matched in March 2010. The baby was already born, which happens in about 50% of our agency's placements. We met DD's birthmom and birthgrandmom, and took DD home the next day. After 72 hours her BM signed the adoption papers, and I can't remember how long the recovation period was. We felt very confident that *she* was very confident in her decision.

We had a long wait for the birthfather's rights to be terminated. He wanted nothing to do with the whole situation, so he wouldn't answer any messages or mail, etc. Our agency's lawyer used a couple of state laws to have the courts order termination, 6 months after DD came home with us. Our adoption was finalized a month after that.

Jenn is Silly

1) Like Dr.L said, meet with an adoption attorney now- at least to get some fine details worked out.

2) Don't stress about time.  We met BM at 35 weeks, and were home study/state certified to adopt before DD was born at 39 weeks (including our FBI background check).

3) We had a very similar situation- PCOS, met BM through connections, and went through a very similar process that you're going through now.  I was scared, confused, mortified, anxious- but it was all 3000% worth it! 

Welcome & Goodluck! 

GLynn2009

We were asked to adopt when we were not even looking into it. DD was born in July then we were askedto adopt here in November 2007. We brought her home Sept 2009. It is hard to trust that things will work out.

Ambie0611

I just wanted to say Welcome and GL!!!

mommytoconnor

Welcome to the board.  You can get lots of advice here and the ladies are all really nice to talk to.  I would agree to contact an adoption lawyer ASAP.  You will need to get paperwork and homestudy expedited quickly.  Things do vary state to state, so your adoption worker can educate you on specifics for your state.  I wouldn't worry too much about your health conditions since they are in remission.  You need to show them that you are relatively in good health and able to take care of a child.  They may ask that if your scleroderma flares up and you are not able to take care of the child, who will step in, so be prepared to answer this.  Also, typically, most states don't require that you have a large house or anything, just someplace for the baby to be.  They will obviously have to have their own crib, but not necessarily their own room.  Also, usually with pets, you have to show proof of rabies vaccine, registration and that they are not agressive.  If all these are ok, then you shouwl be able to proceed.  I would protect your heart, but also, I would proceed with caution.  It could be that she was placed into your lives for this very reason.  However, knowing that things can change at anytime.  You have to be willing to let your heart be broken if it doesn't happen.  If it does happen, it will be the best decision you ever made.  My adooption story is a little different.  I adopted thru foster care. I waited 4 years and had received several calls for placements that never went thru.  Then I finally got the call that I was chosen for this little boy. Some things came up that were potential blockers. He was not legally free, they had to pursue a paternity issue, had to terminate rights, etc.  I had to have faith and I told myself to jump in with both feet and hope that this is the right thing.  Well 8 months later, my sons adoption was finalized.  It just goes to show that I took that leap of faith and it was meant to be.  I truly believe that you are chosen for your child and that when it's right it's right.  My friend told me I had to wait so long because he hadn't been born yet and I truly believe that.  Good luck.  Sorry so long.