DH caring for LO

cassoppea

I guess some of this post stems from the open letter post today.  My DH has never been left alone with the baby, ever.  If I have to go somewhere, he has his parents help him with her.  I don't even think he's strapped her into her car seat himself.  He doesn't know how much or when she eats, how to get her to sleep, even how to play with her. 

Next month I have a conference to go to and I will be gone for close to 4 days.  I can't believe I signed up for this now and I'm totally regretting it.  I have NO clue how he is going to handle this.  He says he will have his mom stay but I'm so tired of dumping all the responsibility on her.  I know that she will do the majority of the work and that makes me upset.  I feel like MH should be caring for his child.

I love my DH very much and I feel terrible that I don't feel comfortable leaving him with the baby for a weekend.  But I feel even worse having him ask his mom to give up 4 days of her life to come help.   I told him all of this and it just became a big fight.  He thinks I'm telling him he's a bad dad.  I know he loves our LO and he is a good dad, but he really isn't very involved in her life and I don't understand why;

Anyone going through this?  Any advice?  

 

mamajanna28

I was off for 12 weeks after having LO and did the majority of the day to day care.  When I went back to work DH and I took opposite shifts so that Judah didn't have to be in daycare.  He is home with him from 8a-2p every day.  I was so nervous to leave him alone with J but  I felt that it was time that he learned how to care for his son.  I had him help me through the day for a week before I started back, left a detailed list of what to do for Judah, and crossed my fingers.  I was so impressed with how quickly DH figured out what he needed to do.  I'll admit that I had to let go of some control issues and let him do things his way but it has worked out great.  I guess my advice would be to go to your conference with DH as prepared as possible and then let him figure it out.  I think that Dad's in general need to learn how to care for their kids and shouldn't get away with leaving it all to Mom. 

ladybear06

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say that I hope things get better. That sounds hard on both of you.  Especially trying to talk about it, I can see both sides.  I hope it gets straighten out and that you can both figure out a way to talk about it without feeling attacked.

klv

Is he afraid? My DH was scared to put her in the car seat because he didn't want to hurt her when tightening the straps. It took some practice and now he has no problems. At first, he was afraid of poop. He got over that too. More recently, he was afraid to feed her solids. He fed her for the first time this weekend and realized it was not so bad.

Do you ever leave DD alone with DH? Maybe try an hour or 2 while you run errands. Leave specific instructions. Maybe once he realizes that he can do it he will feel more empowered. 

naddles

For the first 12 weeks of Sophia's life DH was the same way...& the one time I did go out to buy some nursing bras I got about 3 miles from home before he called me frantic because she was awake and in his words "losing it". I think she may have sensed some of his tension and his freaking out made her freak out. But once I went to work we did the opposite shift thing too and he did great taking care of her. Now his main concern is that he is going to bore her...but i worry about me boring her too so we're in the same boat there. I think Dads esp with little girls are a bit more hesitant to get hands on because they're afraid of hurting them...for some reason they assume that boys are tougher so they can take care of them easier.

cassoppea

It almost seems like he's just not that into being involved.  If I prepare the food or ask him to play with her then he will do it, but he never takes the initiative (I have several friends who say the same thing about their DH's so I guess that is not that uncommon)

I have left her with him several times to go out.  This past weekend I left her with him for about 5 hours and he immediately went to his parents house for help.  I'm sure part of it is that he is nervous, but he doesn't seem to want to get better at doing it alone.  I guess as long as someone is there to help, he doesn't have to,

I don't know why it bothers me so much.  He's a great guy.  I just see all these dads so into their LO's and MH is just not that guy.  

hepcats

Hmmm. The only thing I can think of is more family time. I know that many men get detached from their LOs, especially in the first few months, because moms do all the work (either by necessity, like BF or by nature, uhm like ALL of us lol). It causes a disconnect between them and their child, one that is understandable but harmful nonetheless. I'd suggest more family play time first.

CarlaAndJames

I'm guessing he just doesn't do it because you always do, if that makes sense? Can you ask him to do more of the little things day to day, that way if you do need to leave her with him he'll feel more confident?

Like say "Hey, will you change this diaper so I can pick up her room right quick?" And then if he has questions he can ask them while he's doing it. Or ask him to feed her some solids, or put her in her carseat, or whatever. The only way to learn is by doing, but if he knows you're just going to do it then he doesn't really have the need or opportunity to learn how.

James had his first whole day alone with A last week when she was home sick. I thought I told him everything, but I didn't think to hammer home the nap schedule. So after she had been awake from 8am until noon he called and said "she's fussing a lot, is it too early for a nap?" Eek! It wasn't too early 2 hours ago!

I'm guessing it's not that he's not into her, he just sees you as the main parent and himself as kind of a helper. I'm going to guess that his parents were the same way, so he doesn't know any different. I think it's really common! Just talk to him about what your expectations are. Let him know you pictured him being more involved with little one, and you think he's a great, loving dad, but you'd love if he could do more of the day to day stuff too.

barefoot barista

Have you told him that you think he needs to take more initiative with her? Maybe he should shadow you for a day to see exactly what you do, and then give him some *troubleshooting* tips. Like if she cries, try this, this, and this. Or if she is cranky and won't take a nap, try this.

SarahAndBen09

klv:

Is he afraid? My DH was scared to put her in the car seat because he didn't want to hurt her when tightening the straps. It took some practice and now he has no problems. At first, he was afraid of poop. He got over that too. More recently, he was afraid to feed her solids. He fed her for the first time this weekend and realized it was not so bad.

Do you ever leave DD alone with DH? Maybe try an hour or 2 while you run errands. Leave specific instructions. Maybe once he realizes that he can do it he will feel more empowered. 

This.  Do some short practice runs and see how it goes.  He isn't going to learn how to do it unless you give him a chance (or if he's the one resisting, then forcing him to try it out).  He can't do too much wrong in a 2-hour span...  

OverjoyedMama

I suggest leaving him a detailed note of her schedule and speaking to his mom about not helping him. Some men just need to get thrown in. Sink or swim. His mom helping is not going to make him take initiative. If he knows he can call his mom to fall back on them he will, so cut that safety net. He might need to learn the hard way.

Dani0701

Yes, DH has never been with B alone and has never taken him out alone!  I'm going out with my mom and sister to NYC for a show and dinner this Saturday and leaving B with DH.  I'm sure he'll invite his parents over so they can "spend time with B" when I know it's just that he doesn't know what the hell to do with him!  I've been having sever supply issues lately and I pumped 7 oz the other day in one session (which is a lot lately).  I told DH to make a bottle from what I just pumped and he tells me that he made a 7oz bottle.  I just short of screamed at him!  I'm like, "Why the hell are making 7 oz bottles?" He tells me he drinks 8 oz bottles.  Me:  Who's f'ing baby are you raising?!  He only drinks 6oz bottles during the day, 7/8oz at night!  You really need to spend more time taking care of him on your own bc I feel like you don't know sh*t about what to do with him!     We'll see what happens Saturday, I'm scared!  I hate that DH always thinks that I'm criticizing everything he doesn't, but obviously he doesn't know what to do!