Weird, SAD, and long WWYD clicky

Noisemaker

Warning:  This post involves very sad things involving kids, you might wanna skip it if you're not up for that. 

 

So I had the saddest grocery store experience today and it won't leave me, and I need advice on what to do, if anything.  L and I were in line to checkout, along with about 500 other people, and I notice her waving to someone. I turn around and there is a friend from one of her old classes in the line next to us with her dad. I'd met the dad a few times at school functions, and he brought his daughter and her twin brother who was also in their class to L's birthday party at our house last year. 

So I say hello, remind him who I am, since it's been months since we saw each other (the kids go to different schools now), and ask how he is.  He seems tired, and tells me ok, all things considered.  He asks where L is in school now, and I tell him.  (Note, we are talking over bins of stuff between the checkout lines, and through the hoards of other people trying to check out).  I then ask how school is going for his kids.  He pauses, and looks at me, and pauses some more.  I smile and say, oh, kind of a mixed bag?  He says, "no--you remember that my daughter had a twin brother?  Well we found out at Thanksgiving that he had leukemia and he died on December 5th.  We only had 5 days..."

Tears immediately came to my eyes, and I said how sorry I was about 50 times.  And then he said something about being sorry for telling me like this, and motioned around at all the people, etc.  I told him don't be silly, and again said how sorry I was for his loss. 

And then all of a sudden it was my turn at the checkout, so I had to unload my cart, etc, which blocked him from my view.  After I finished, L was bugging me to do Buddy bucks--she clearly didn't understand what he said--and I was still fighting tears and didn't know what to do.   I felt weird going back to find him, and didn't know what else to say.  But I also felt weird just leaving it like that, so abruptly.  So I didn't see him again and we left the store. 

Now, in addition to being so terribly sad for him, I'm feeling bad about the way I handled it in the grocery store, and wondering if I should try to dig up his email and/or home address and send a card or a note expressing my condolences.  Or do I just leave it alone? 

 

[Poll]

fjaril

I'd try to send a personal note to the family.

YellowUmbrella

Don't beat yourself up - you didn't know and unfortunately he will probably come across that situation a lot over the coming months.

I would definitely try and find their contact information to send them your condolences. That's so sad, I can't even imagine.

L L CG

That family lives on my street.  It was very sad.  I can send you his address if you'd like to send a card.

MrsBeckO

And I'm crying. 

Wow. That is so awful. How terribly sad for that family.

Definitely send them some kind of condolences. I'm sure he isn't begrudging you for the way it all came about/ended abruptly... I'd try to reach out to them, for sure. 

Noisemaker

L L CG:

That family lives on my street.  It was very sad.  I can send you his address if you'd like to send a card.

Would you, please?  That seems much better to me than an email, and that's the only contact info I ever had for them.  

Thank you!

userdeleted

I don't think you did anything wrong, but I think it would be really thoughtful of you to send a card. What a tragedy

brideonjuly8

5 days?!  I don't know how anyone recovers from something like that.  So absolutely devastating. 

I would send a card, maybe have some food delivered, sweets, or something like that.  

L L CG

Noisemaker:

L L CG:

That family lives on my street.  It was very sad.  I can send you his address if you'd like to send a card.

Would you, please?  That seems much better to me than an email, and that's the only contact info I ever had for them.  

Thank you!

Sure.  E-mail me and I can send it to you tomorrow.  I don't know the number so I'll have to look at the house on my way out.  bumpllcg at gmail

Taytee

When anyone has a loss, people tend to pull back. Especially when it comes to children. Even family feels awkward and may not want to be around. I'm sure any other friendly faces in their lives would be very much appreciated if you feel like you can handle it.

It doesn't even have to be a condolence card. Just a simple note saying how "I was devastated to hear about the loss of your son. Please let me know when y'all would like to come over for coffee sometime. My husband and I can make lunch and the girls can play together" (the husband bit keeps it from being too personal if you know what I mean)

Alternately, you could offer to babysit sometime so the parents can go on a date. The loss of a child is almost unsurvivable by marriage Some time together may be a welcome distraction.

Like you, I can't imagine But I'm able to put on a brave face for people and can manage to listen over a cup of coffee.

agran

contact him... and don't beat yourself up.  I've had many many weird conversations since our stillbirth and no one ever knows what to say.  It's hard to talk about and it's easier to just blurt it out rather than continue the awkwardness.  But I have been comforted by people who follow up after their initial shock to tell me just how sorry they are. 

I can tell you every single person who has ignored it.  Every single one.  I dwell on those because I wonder why they don't want to talk to me or if they ever cared at all. 

Taytee

People shy away from sadness and loss. As evidenced by all the reads of this post and how few people have responded with real advice! Reach out. Like agran said, yes, people notice. And every hand extended is appreciated because so many turn away for the own comfort instead of thinking of what the person who has LOST the one they love needs.  Even if they're not ready, it feels so good to be loved and remembered.

My co-worker who lost her baby shortly after birth talks all the time about how lonely it feels and how she feels like people try to ignore she had a baby and has a daughter in her heart. Any little thing helps. Anything.

molliedb

definitely reach out.  it was sad for the whole neighborhood.  such a tragedy

Noisemaker

Thanks all.  I appreciate the input, and will definitely reach out.