XP: without being rude,
How can I tell my ILs to stop buying things for my son? Or at least tone it down a notch!!?
This is their 1st grandchild and they are great to him. They practically BEG to babysit, they love to "help" with him when they visit, they just can't get enough of him. They were very generous with gifts for him at the baby shower and have picked up a few things here and there (mostly clothes) over the past 7+ mos. I am very very appreciative and they know that. BUT Christmas is out of control. IMO, they go a little nuts over the holidays anyway. This year is exceptionally crazy because now they are buying for him. They have already spent over $500 on clothing alone and have bought a ridiculous amount of toys. It has gotten to the point where I have avoided buying things for him that I want to get him because they already got it or something similar.
And it's not just that we (his parents!) want to shop for him for his first Christmas... I honestly don't want him to be spoiled or materialistic. Of course he will have fun and educational toys and never *need* anything, but to have rooms and rooms full of toys and games is not somehting I want for my kids.
I have already mentioned that I hope some of these things can stay at their house for when we visit, but they said no. They have a spare bedroom with a crib set up for him (although they live 10 mins away!) but they don't have much room for "baby stuff" in their house. Yeah, well... neither do WE! I also worry about their finances- even though that's really none of my business, I guess. They are still paying for 3 college tuitions (BIL, SIL and MIL) and recently bought a new house and a new car. They don't make a ton of money so I'm sure spending literally THOUSANDS on baby stuff in this first year isn't good for them either.
Hubby is in agreement with me that they are over the top, but doesn't really think it's a problem. (Grandparents are "supposed to" spoil their grandkids.) I mentioned to him that we will likely donate lots of his toys to charity and it turned to an all-out fight. He said it's rude and offensive to do that with gifts.. PLEASE tell me if you have any ideas on how I can approach this issue with them!
TIA. And sorry this got so long!
Re: XP: without being rude,
Enjoy it now! I find that grandparents that do this in the beginning start tapering off as the kids get older. They're proabably not going to be doing this forever.
Also, have another kid! LOL! The more kids you have, the less they spend per kid! hahahahahaha!
I was going to have your DH say something to them, but it seems as if you're really the only one that minds. You can either tell them that while you appreciate their generosity, it's too much, or you can start "suggesting" gifts you think are appropriate for the age of your child and the space that you have......
GL!
can I store the stuff at your house??
I know, I suppose it's not a bad "problem" to have. I don't feel annoyed or put out at all, and i'm not even ungrateful. I just don't want spoiled children, and as the mother I should have that right. I also have one playroom to store these toys. And the more storage space they take, the less running-around room there is. The bedrooms in our house are too small to hold any more than a bookshelf full of toys.
It just kills me that there are kids not getting any toys for the holidays and we will have boxes of them, probably packed in the garage- as not to offend anyone.
My mom knows that if she buys a ton of stuff or if something is really big or loud, it's going to stay at her house for when DS visits. I struggle with clutter and keeping my house clean and I don't need a bunch of stuff to find places to put. Thankfully I can be open with her and if she points something out I'll say "oh that looks like a great Grandma's-house toy!" and she likes having a toy stash at her place. I know MIL would be the same way if she lived closer, but she's 4 hours away.
So yes, they can enjoy their grandkid, but have DH tell them that you guys just don't have room for stuff, plain and simple, but you're sure that DS would LOVE to play with X,Y, and Z at their place when they babysit.
This is the best advice that I have:
Just make sure you know what they are buying or exchange gifts after Christmas morning. Take it from someone who has been there. It sucks coming home Christmas Eve after opening gifts at the grandparents and having to unwrap over half of what you bought to put in the return pile. How can Santa bring a few things off of the children's lists if grandma and grandpa gave it ALL to them the night before?
I never understand when people complain about this... don't you realize how many grandparents don't ever see their grandkids, or how many don't EVER send gifts? My parents moved to Spain when I was 5 months pregnant, and they send one birthday gift and one Christmas gift a year. My DH's parents are moderately involved, but they are broke and literally can only spend $30 ish on presents for my daughter. The only clothing that anyone else has bought for DD was for her baby shower.
If your playroom is already stuffed to the gills (which I have a hard time believing, when your baby is 7 months old) then donate some of it to a local women's shelter. It's not like the IL's are going to notice that out of 100 toys, one toy is missing.
Have you thought about setting up a savings account and then they could deposit money in there instead of buying toys?
We are in the same boat. I know it's not a huge problem but I totally understand where you are coming from. Especially when you worry about their ability to afford this generousity. My mom is so generous to me, my sisters and DD. However, I want to be able to spoil my DD for Christmas. I don't want Santa to be outshown by Nana and Papa, you know?
Also, my mom always says they may have to come live with us when my Dad retires but then will buy me 5 coach purses I don't need. I started selling stuff online and putting it in an account I will give them when my Dad retires. It sucks though, as she will buy a $300 purse and I sell it for half that. She won't give receipts or else I would return them lol!
Maybe have a frank conversation on how you don't have the space? Also stress you want to be able to have LO excited for spending time with them, not just the gifts. If all else fails, do what I did. My folks still go alittle crazy but I told them we would rather have money to put towards college. My mom loves that by the time DD goes to college they will have financed a good part of it. Good luck!
Oh goodie, the bragplaints continue.
I agree with The_Jen 100%.
Your child won't grow up to be spoiled or unappreciative over a batch of gifts from his grandparents. He'll grow up to be spoiled or unappreiative if you set the tone that he shouldn't be grateful for things.
Smile, say thank you, and consign/donate the things he grows out of over time. And be happy his grandparents pay attention to him.
For those saying that this isn't a "problem" and we should be happy that the grandparents are involved, can't there be a happy medium??? DS is 4 years old and now demands that his grandparents visit so he can get presents. My playroom (which is not small) is literally WALL -TO-WALL stuff because we can't donate fast enough. Our entire attic is packed. My parents (the culprits) just tell us to have yard sales every year, but that is such a PITA and so wasteful. We have two or three of the same toys that they have bought all of them.
I think it is reasonable to ask a person not to clutter the heck out of my house and teach my child they should expect everything. I think it is reasonable that the parents or "Santa" should be allowed to buy a few special toys without worrying about duplicate. I think it is reasonable to ask them to donate to a 529 which will really help the child rather than giving me hours of extra work schleping around bins and donations and planning yard sales. Why not just give the cash in the first place if you don't care if they play with it in the first place.
It has gotten better at my house, but I refuse to have my children own every toy on earth. There have been studies that have shown that children with an overabundance of toys don't develop imaginations as well as those that have a reasonable amount of toys (which, ironically, is 20 per child, according to said studies). Heck, because of the clutter, there's no room to play in that room anyway.
In conclusion, GPs buying out Toys R Us to dump on their grandchild is just as damaging (in a different way) as GPs who are completely absent.
Feel free to come to my yard sale in May!
In other news, my DH bought me some diamond shoes and they are a smidge too tight. What to DO about this problem???
Cheers!
Lots of grandparents don't buy their grandkids anything. Yes, there are kids who are without but perhaps they donate toys to programs for those children too. How is your kid having a lot of toys have any bearing on those who don't have many? Think of all the toys you'll have to donate to those who are less fortunate, once your child is done with them.
You don't know their financial situation so I wouldn't worry about that. It's their money.
As far as the clutter... try telling them that you are low on space. Maybe they will buy you a bigger house.
If not, perhaps suggest they buy memberships for him for the zoo, museums, etc.
Can you make an Amazon wishlist with a few toys that you actually "need"?
And if I had 2-3 of the same toy, I would load up my car and drop them off at a shelter for abused women. They certainly wouldn't sit in my playroom just collecting dust.
I'm really trying to have some empathy for you guys...the only thing I can think of is that my MIL insists on buying cheap junk every year at Christmas for me...lotions, body wash, candles, etc that I don't like the smell of and won't ever use. Every year when we get back from MIL's house, I pull out a cardboard box and the junk goes right from my car into the cardboard box, and then I donate it to a charity. I guess if I never got rid of it I'd have 10 years worth of junk sitting around my house, but honestly, my house is 1200 sq ft, I just don't have the room for random junk! And I don't feel guilty getting rid of it either.
I am one of those people who have also complained about the amount of gifts my in-laws give our kids. And frankly, it doesn't sound like it's close to what your in-laws are doing. $500 just in clothes? That is out of control!
BUT, that being said, I don't know that there is much you can say. I say, graciously accept the stuff and then with it what you see fit. Donate it, use, store it, return it, whatever. They can't possibly think your child needs all the stuff they are giving him or that they will see all of it in use.
I am really anti-materialism too so I get where you are coming from, but follow your husband's lead on it is probably the best advice.
Oh Please. I can't even count the number of complaints lodged over the past few weeks about Thanksgiving whether it be the quality of food or having to endure drama at a gathering. There are STARVING people in the world. How dare people complain about a day they are able to actually eat a warm meal?
Just because somebody out there has it worse does not mean others can complain.
A-men. DD#1 is the oldest grandchild and there is such a thing as too much. When your child comes to expect that lavish treatment every year and it changes when more grandchildren arrive? It's excessive. To have boxes of unopened toys that you can't donate (yet) because they came from grandpa and grandma? The clutter, the out-of-control playroom, the feeling that your few gifts will never compare to the mountain the grandparents bring? Ugh.
What my kids need from their grandparents in excess is their TIME. If they can't stick to one then a few toys they think the kids would really enjoy and their TIME. When the toys are played with and gone, and some never make it out of the box because it's just too much, what benefit is left?
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
I think this is a ridiculous complaint. I didn't say she wasn't allowed to complain...just that I don't understand it, at all.
If MIL showed up with a bag full of $500 Gymboree clothes and $400 toys, I would be ecstatic about it!
This falls under the same category as "I'm too pretty" or "my husband's salary is WAY too high", I just don't understand the complaints. But like I said, it's probably because I'm at the other end of the spectrum, and I would love if my parents or IL's would/could send more toys and clothes for my DD.
Let them do what they're going to do! Don't make the holidays unfun for them and make them worry which gifts you'll "approve" of and what you'll judge. The holidays are not a time for trying to correct your parents for being too giving.
If you're planning on having more kids, you can put some away for your second, third, or fourth... They may not be as spendy for the next few.
This is an issue for us too. We live in a very small house and my parents finally got the hint. We don't have a playroom and it always looks like a huge mess. I also started just passing things along after occasions, BUT my in-laws are not over all the time, so they don't see what we have and don't have out to play with. That makes it awkward.
I would say go with it for this year and then take a picture of all of the clutter taking over the house and show it to them saying thanks so much, but next year maybe we could agree on less with a big
. You can always mention things like college funds even though many won't go for it. I don't think it is rude to say it is too much as long as you say that you appreciate it and know how much they love your LO, blah blah blah.
And honestly, see this as a way that you don't have to buy anything. DH gets giddy every time there's a package of stuff from one grandparent or another. It's that much less we have to spend out of our budget.
I just rediscovered a giant bin of 24mo clothes that DH's cousin sent us. Not to mention what the grandmas have bought. I won't have to buy a single item of 24mo clothing.
Oh please. Her kid is 7 months old. He'll either never see some of this stuff, see some and forget it existed 5 minutes later, or no longer be interested. In any of those scenarios, it gets donated and he's none the wiser, nor does he care.
But she specifically stated that they spend a lot of time with him. So this argument doesn't hold water in this case.
But she specifically stated that they spend a lot of time with him. So this argument doesn't hold water in this case.
I can and do, but what you are missing is that it irritates the crap out of me that I have to add this to my already packed list of things to do because my mother has a severe spending problem. On top of the fact that I have to explain to my kids that though the WANT it (after they open it) we have to choose a few to keep and leave it at that.
They have an amazon wish list. My mother bought the entire list. So, now I have one that she doesn't know about for others to buy off of. I send her a separate list, tell her to keep it to 4 toys or so (which is more than enough, considering the size of our family and the number of gifts that come through the door here). Then I get called a grinch for the rest of the season. I would rather she learn NOT to buy out the whole store than me having to do constant damage control on my end. So wasteful. . . .
In two years, he'll be almost 3. Then he'll be like my almost 3 year old, who loves her Mimi to pieces, but every time we visit with her, I have to listen to "What treat will Mimi bring me?" I will never complain to my MIL about the fact that she gives my girls too many gifts, because she loves to do it and I don't want to hurt her. I'm fine with sifting through them periodically and donating them. But it does kind of suck that my child now thinks she gets a gift every time we see her grandmother, which is often. I completely understand where OP is coming from.
I just made that comparison because hubby thinks it's "rude" to donate toys that were given as gifts. He thinks they would get mad. I'd LOVE to take the "extras" - be it duplicates, or just things we don't want or have space for- to a donation center , childrens' hospital, etc. But apparently i'll have to find space in my garage instead...
And, while it's none of my business, I actually DO know their financial situation becuase they had to live with us for a few months before they moved into their house becuase they couldn't afford temporary housing AND their down payment. And since they lived here, we still get a bit of mail/ phone calls regarding their debt. MIL was a SAHM for 30 yrs, then went back to school for her BA and MBA. Hubby's bro and sis were in college at the same time- SIL for 2 years and BIL for his 4 yr undergrad and now grad school. FIL works 2 jobs and MIL JUST started working last year and makes about 1/2 of what I made right out of college...
That's so sad to me! I have waited my whole life to be "Santa." This is my first child's first Christmas- and while I know HE won't care or remember, i'd like to be the one to get him SOMETHING!
Then this doesn't sound like a "too much" problem to me, it sounds like a jealousy issue.
Your child is NOT just your child. He is also her grandchild. Her flesh and blood, too, remember.
You don't have to feel like anything you give your child is lessened by the fact that there are other people in the world who love him, too.
ooooh if only you knew my MIL hahahha
I just mean i'd like to be able to go shopping with my husband and buy our child a toy for christmas without having to call MIL to make sure she didn't already get it. The woman literally told me certain STORES to avoid because she already got him everything from there (oshkosh and Carters, for example.)
As his mother, I don't think i'm being selfish or jealous to want to be able to choose a gift or 2 for my kid's first Christmas.
But anyway, most of these responses are irrelevant. I'm not asking if it's good or bad that my ILs are spoiling LO. I'm asking for advice on how to approach the issue, or what to do with the excess without being rude and just getting rid of the gifts. Thanks to those who have responded with helpful ideas! I love the rotation idea. If we have room to store everything i'll be doing that for sure! We can switch them out every month or 2 and it will be like christmas all over again...
I have to say that I'm surprised at a lot of the responses. It doesn't seem to me like you are being unappreciative or jealous by any stretch. You should certainly not have to ask your MIL if you can buy a present for your own son. It's always been the other way around in my experience.
Their financial situation isn't your concern but I think it is nice of you to consider that it could even be putting a strain on them financially.
And to actually answer your question...since you made it clear that your H doesn't agree with the idea of donating toys, I also like the idea of rotating toys. Hopefully once he sees it all in your house he might reconsider after a few months or after a few holidays. Hopefully the ILs will calm down with their gift giving as well. I would also suggest keeping a list of things that you actually do need for him so some of these presents can actually be useful instead of just excessive. I mean $500 of clothes? Definitely not necessary. Also maybe you can suggest more activities instead of presents like memberships to zoo, aquarium, children's museums, parks, deposits to the savings acct, or gymnastics classes.
I hope that you're able to enjoy your child's first Christmas and keep this all in perspective...it sounds like you are! GL!
Big E (6) & Little E (2.5)
I just have to say that this entire thread is cracking. me. up. It's like reading a transcript of The View. Love, love, love, some of the comments that have been made on both sides.
My thoughts - the grass is always greener. When you have grandparents who go to one extreme or the other, it's a PITA, regardless of whether it's that they can't remember to get your kid a birthday card, or they're calling ToyRUs and saying "send me one of everything." So while a lot of you obviously think this is an awesome problem to have, I can see the OP being a little jealous of everyone who doesn't have parents and IL's bombarding them with things they neither want nor need.
OP, I'd suggest letting it go for this year. Done is done, and your baby is young. Next year, or even right after the holidays this year, maybe you could broach the subject early and say that you appreciate everything your IL's do, but you don't want to set a precedent for a gazillion toys on holidays since it's overwhelming, you don't have the space, and you want you child to appreciate what's given rather than just expect to get everything he/she wants.
My DH just had to say something to his parents. It was beyond ridiculous the amount of toys IL's were giving DD#1 (their first grandchild at the age of 6). Yeah, they're excited but come on. We had boxes of barbies never opened because DD just didn't care for them. Fortunately for us, more grandkids made IL's realize that they just can't spend like that for each one.
And as selfish as it may be, it was a huge pain the a** for us. Toys to store until we could donate them. Toys to store until she grew into them. And the toys that we literally didn't have room for? Oy. It seemed like such a waste on their part, to buy so many toys for a child who didn't have that much time to play with them (the day is only so long). I felt like the middleman, they buy, they give, I had to pass it on. Yes, their generosity was awesome and we were always thankful. But the need to buy out the toy store when a few wanted gifts would make such a better impact.....
DD#1~8/17/96------DS~10/24/05
Do you like/talk to your MIL? I had a conversation with my MIL about my daughter's first Christmas, and it was not that hard. I just said, "hey, just so we don't get duplicate things, I'm going to give her Christmas pajamas on Christmas Eve and on Christmas, she's getting x and y and z - my mom is getting her a membership to a children's museum".
This doesn't seem like THAT touchy of a subject, as long as you approach her with your realistic concerns respectfully. She might not hear you, but at least give her the chance.