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Blended Families
Role call - who's here and why?
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Re: Role call - who's here and why?
Well I'm not the typical blended family, so I read alot more than I post cuz I feel somewhat out of place. My life has been pretty crazy, but it's what's been dealt to me through my own actions. I'll try to keep it short.
I got married in 2008, after being with my ex since I was 16. Our relationship was beyond toxic, thankfully never had any kids with him. I met my SO summer 2008 in a class at our university. He was married when we met, just had a baby boy. He filed in early 2010, and I wanted divorce but didn't have the guts to admit the failure yet. We found alot of comfort in eachother, being able to vent to someone who understood. Homework turned into a few drinks, that turned into shopping trips at the mall, which then turned into snuggles and movies. When I broke it to my ex that I was filing for divorce (we were seperated), he went ballistic and I was seriously afraid for my safety, and my parents too if he knew I was at their house. My SO offered that I could stay by him. I packed a bag, and slowly but surely moved in. I bonded so effortlessly with his boy. CO is that we have him during weeks, BM has him on weekends (altho it's been all shaken up lately with special requests on her end) It's nice to have weekends to clean/ have "us" time, but I miss the little boy so much when he's not around. Late May we were surprised by a BFP. I was panicked, he was so excited. We had talked about both of us wanted to have kids in the future, it was just so much sooner than either of us planned on. We 100% consider this baby a blessing, and altho it's not the scenario we planned, it certainly could be alot worse!
I want to be the best mother figure to my SO's son that I can be - but I didn't grow up in a blended family, and neither did any of my friends, so it's hard to find resources on issues. I appreciate that most of you have older kids, so that I can learn from you all on how blended families affect kids as they grow up.
Married April 1st 2017
DS #1: May 2009
DS #2: Jan 2012
This is going to be long as well...
XH and I married in 2002, had DS in 2005, and split in 2006. We got married too young, and if we ever loved each other, it was gone long before DS showed up. The last year of our marriage, I was doing everything for DS and the house and crying every day because XH ignored us. In Aug 2006, I found out XH was having an emotional affair w/ a girl from WoW, and when I called him on it he informed me that he couldn't trust me anymore and asked for a divorce. He was unwilling to try counseling or really anything at all. He asked me to take DS and leave. So, I moved 2.5 hours away to my parents' place and filed for a divorce.
At this point, we were both living in FL, and XH saw DS about once/month. Our divorce started our amicable but turned really ugly. XH delayed proceedings to avoid support being ordered, he lied to me about paying bills and destroyed my credit, and never asked after DS. Every little dispute we had led to XH playing the custody card and threatening to fight me for DS. Once I gave in, the threats went away.
I started dating within a couple months of my split from XH--not looking for anything serious, just sort of experimenting with different types of men. DH and I had been acquaintances while I was married to XH, and we got to be pretty good friends during this time. We started dating in early 2008, and we immediately got serious and met each others parents/siblings. I introduced him to DS about 8 weeks into our relationship, and they hit it off immediately.
We got married in summer 2009, and have had a wonderful marriage. We have our disagreements, but it's like night and day compared to XH. We live in TN and XH lives in CA. XH sees DS a handful of times a year and calls him maybe once per week. He pays more than required in CS, and is always on time. He's kind of thoughtless (like he doesn't call DS on his birthday), but I don't really have many complaints.
DD came along in Jan 2010, and she's truly a joy. She's bright and sweet, and usually sleeps through the night. I didn't know if I could love another kid as much as I love DS, but I love them both the same.
I'm 31 (as of a couple weeks ago, ugh), DH is 27, DS is 6, and DD is 1. We're done adding to our family, so we're focusing on the kids and building our lives. We have our problems and everything, but I have this irrational secret fear that I have it too good, and the rug could be pulled out from underneath me at any time.
I'm here! Late to the party, but here!
SO and I have been dating for about a year and a half. I came to this board shortly after my first date with SO to get advice on dating a single dad and have been here ever since! SO has a DD13, DD1 and DS8 and I get along fabulously with all of them. SO and BM's CO is 50/50 but when I met him SO had the kids 100% of the time as BM had left the picture shortly after their divorce and had been gone for nearly a year. Over the last year, however, she has come back in phases. She is still not super reliable on taking her scheduled time, which makes it really hard to get solo time with SO but makes for lots of opportunities for me to get in touch with my inner child with the SKs.
At this point in our relationship most of our issues stem from BM's lack of consistency and some occasional questionable parenting choices on her part combined with SO's over-protective nature. It's also been a big adjustment for SO to have to actively parent w/ BM since I really don't think he ever expected her to be involved to the level that she is. While it can be frustrating for us, the kids seem really happy, healthy and well adjusted. SD11 and SS8 had their best report cards ever this last year, SD13 is becoming a competitive athlete and SO and I are talking about making SO a DH. We've got our roller coasters, but overall we're good.
Howdy. Married 3 years now with an eight year old SD. BM goes between relatively rational and some crazy demands. My Dh deals with her almost exclusively. I wish we could co-parent but we never know when she'll just lose all reason so I stay out of it and try to provide my SD with a stable environment and be a good role model for her. SD and I get along pretty well. We have some regular kid issues - cleaning up after herself, being respectful, stuff like that.
We are trying to conceive our first child together and it has been a long, heart breaking process. My SD told me last weekend that she wishes we would have a baby because I'm a great mom and need more kids to love.
Okay, but I think I'll save all the reading of replies for later.
We have 2 kids from my husbands previous marriage, a girl 12, and a boy 11 in December. We're expecting our first together child any day now.
DH and BM were high school sweethearts (sort of), they married when he was 20, she effectively lost everything they had and got him fired from his job before they divorced when he was 26, we met shortly after, she took their son and he took their daughter for a year and a half, and then she took them both all but EOW for the next year to let us get on our feet, and then we did the same to allow her to get on her feet a little better.
We then took both kids full time due to her having problems with our son and being unable to cope, and they have been with us and she has slowly but surely left their lives since then. The last time she saw them was June of last year and the last time she spoke to them was in January.
It's been almost seven years since we met, and the kids are just our kids now.
I'm here because I'm getting married in about 2 weeks and will become an official SM to a SS3. I've been living in practice as his SM for a little over a year and a half now.
BM is an angry bitter woman and we practically have no contact with her except for an occasional scheduling email or something that has to be decided jointly. I have stopped going to drop offs or any joint meetings unless absolutely necessary because she's so irrational and angry that she can't act or think in any normal fashion. She'll just go on a tirade every now and then with insults about me and soon to be DH.
I worry about what life is going to be like for me as time goes by. So, mostly I lurk here to see what's coming up. I am not hopeful that it will become one of the good stories of BFs that I read here, but at least tolerable in terms of communication with her side. She does have a live in BF, but we know nothing of what goes on there. I feel bad for SS. I wish things didn't have to be this way for him.
Also, we are TTC as of this week because I went off my pills. I'm scared at what the dynamics of such complicated families will bring to everyone. Right now custody is about 50/50. But likely, someone will move and there will be a decision to be made. I'm not sure what would be best.
TTC 10/11. IUI 2/12. BFP 3/8/12. 4/26/12 missed mc. RE consult 5/17/12. IVF #1 ER 7/13/12 53R, 41M ICSIed, 32F, 8 5d, 6 6d blasts - all PGD/frozen. PGD results 1 normal M and 1 normal F, 1 maybe M. FET 9/6, transferred 1 F embie. Beta 9/15 BFN. FET#2 planned for 11/2012 put off until 2013. Surprise BFP 11/21/12!! My son was born on 7/24/13!
I'm here. I mostly lurk since I have no friends that are in a blended family (as a stepmom).
I have SS13 and SS7. I've been married for 2 1/2 years been together for 6 years. My husband has had full custody of them for the last 4 years. BM and her DH has a serious cocaine habit (they had not had electricity for the last 3 months). We had bumps in the road with kids accepting that she's not really involved but now they are used to it. I love the kids to death and wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.
Thanks guys! I love this board and look forward to participating some.
Phantom, FWIW I think you are an awesome SM!
I have been married to DH for over 7 years and am a SM to an almost 22yo SD...I am 37 and DH is 48. DH was married to BM. BM got PG when they were almost separated and found out after they were not together, DH moved back in when SD was about 6mos to try to have a relationship and he moved out after she was a year (not sure exactly when.) SD went back and forth a lot as a kid, BM would say she wanted SD back and DH wanted that for SD and would let BM have primary and then the cycle would start again. When DH and I got together (SD was 11) SD had been living back with BM for a few months. DH and I worked together for 3 years before dating and started living together a few months after dating (I regret it now b/c of doing right by SD). We moved to Boston from central NJ a few months later b/c of our office closing and DH being promoted to run that office and me losing my job. 9 months later SD's maternal grandmother called DH crying that SD was doing horrible in school and unhappy, DH drove to Philly to her school, waited for BM to get there and pushed her until she let him take SD home with us. She lived with us until after she graduated high school, BM moved across the country less than a year after SD moved in with us and only saw her about every 1.5 years...it has been over 3 years now since they saw each other. We drove EOW to every 3 weekends between Boston and Philly for SD to see us and after the move for her to see her BM until BM up and left.
I'll go too.
I'm really new here. I have an 18 month old son and have been seriously dating a man with twins who are a couple of months younger than my son. My ex is fairly aggressive but I'm hoping it will fade with time. We both checked out long before DS even came in the picture.
I'm here. I don't really have time to go into depth about my situation right now but it mirror's a lot of the other ladies on here. I have a son from a previous marriage. DH has a daughter from a previous marriage and we're expecting one together. It doesn't get more blended than that
.
It's often difficult for me to read the posts here because they hit close to home. It is nice to have the board available though, I know I'm not alone.
I don't post here often but sometimes lurk when my regular boards are slow.
I had DS when I was 19. Completely cutoff contact with my ex before his 2nd birthday. I was a single mom for a couple years, my parents supported us so I could finish college. DH and I were together when he was 4, married when he was 5 and DH adopted him last year. He'll be 10 soon and we also have DD who just turned 3.
Initially I was here because I married a man with a child... Since they have never lived together, and the child lives 1000 miles away, they never had a really close relationship. She was conceived from a ONS (mom was 16, DH was 19) and DH didnt even know he was her dad for many years... No paternity test as DH was so freakin' stupid and signed an AOP. Well, we find out many years later - you guessed it, who daddy is, and it isnt DH.
As the years have gone on, I had to terminate a pregnancy because of my leukemia/chemotherapy - and she had the nerve to tell me that she was "glad" I had to terminate... So after that, I find it very difficult to have a relationship with her. She has been physically aggressive with my DH and other family members several times, etc. So she no longer comes down to visit, and we just go there to see her - short visits, she can be in her own comfort zone, her "authority" figures are there (as she does not see DH or I as one).
Just a very difficult situation. Now, either of us barely have a relationship with her - so I really dont post often anymore... I do still read the majority of the posts, and comment when/if I have something productive to say
*Lurker stepping out*
So I'm only a kid of a blended family, but I thought I would give my story. I went through alot with my dad and Smom, and I still have some hurt from missing my dad. I have to say that it makes me so happy to see there are SM out there who really love their step-kids. Sorry if this is long.
My parents divored when I was 14 months old. My dad got remarried when I was 2 or 3 I think and they moved to Aruba for my dad's job. They had my brother when I was almost 6 and my sister when I was 8. Before my brother and sister were born I saw my dad pretty often even though he has always lived almost 1,000 miles away from me. I even lived with him & Smom for a yr while he was in aruba. But after they were born I didnt see him that often. I didnt see him from age 9-12, saw him for christmas at age 12. Then from age 12-14 i saw him again for christmas. Then after that I didnt see him unil I was 20/21. I only saw him those few times because I broke down crying to my mom how I missed my "daddy" and she called him and demanded that he see me. He didn't come to my high school graduation and that just about killed me.
My step mom didnt like that my dad had another daughter before her kids and I think she really resented me most of the time. She told my brother and sister that the reason I didnt come and see them any more was because I thought they were horrible children, ya nice. So I dont like her as my Smom, but I dont mind her as a person. We get along better now.
I struggled alot with depression, cutting, anorxia growing up. I figured that if I was just skinnier that maybe my dad would love me more and want to see me. I know it dosent make since, but that was my 12 yr old minds reasoning for starving. I cut myself all through middle school untill college when I stoped and started going to a school therapist. I didnt want to kill myself, I just couldnt deal with all the anger and hurt and I didnt know to release it. So I cut.
Luckly my mom met a wonderful man when I was 14 who is now my dad in every since of the world. My mom and him married almost two yrs ago when I was 24. I have two step-brothers, one older and one younger.
So ya, that was really long. Sorry ladies. But that's my blended family life. It kinda sucked emotionally, but I'm better now. I think the biggest thing to get over was letting go of what I wished my dad had been and just excepting him for what he was, and remembering the good times we had together. We have a strained relationship now. We see each other sometimes at christmas and we email a few times a yr.
I had DS1 before I met DH. He was 2 when we got married. His BF wasn't very responsible and we had a very rocky "co-parenting" relationship. He didn't pay c/s and was facing jail time for it so he let DH adopt DS1 and I forgave his debt. He wont be having any contact with DS1 until he is 18 if DS is ok with that. I do send BF e-mails every few months with pictures and an update but I have no idea where he is.
DH was married before me and has a DS who is 6 and a DD who is 7. BM is bipolar. In the past she hasn't been a responsible parent and there has been some crazieness directed and DH and I. Things have been fine with her for a while and we think it's because she is one meds again. DH says she seems like how she was when they got married before she decided she wasn't bipolar and didn't need meds. We have SS and SD EOW and most of the summer. BM lives two hours away.
I'm here...
I'm the BM to 2 DS's - 13 and 11 and 1 DD - 1. Had a rocky dating relationship with EH in college & found out I was PG with DS #1. We decided to get married anyway because we thought it would be better for him & that we could work it out - not a good plan. Three years, lots of drinking, threats, & another child later, I finally called it quits. Within a week of separating there was a new girlfriend introduced to DSs - which I was happy about since I knew her & figured she'd be likely to make sure they didn't get hurt. They later got married & I'm happy that they did - she's a great SM & is very involved with the boys. We don't really agree on much, but I can respect her opinion & can put up with the way she talks to me for the sake of my kids (she can't stand me, so she's generally condescending & rather nasty, but that's still way better than talking to him).
Over the last 10 years there have been a whole lot of weird stories told about me to the kids, people I knew, random people on the internet and then finally related to me as 'fact'. There have also been a lot of attempts by EH to control every possible situation with threats of court if I don't meet his demands. Other than attempts to control me through the kids, he is really not too involved day to day - she checks on them, calls them, emails them & does cool stuff with them. He might get on the phone once every couple of weeks if she calls him over, but that's about it while they're here. I have no idea about what they do on their time. He has every other weekend during the school year, every other week in the summer as well as some holiday placement.
Met my new DH about 7 years ago & got married in '06. We have been happily married ever since and I can no longer imagine living the way I did with EH (at the time I thought it wasn't so bad... I came from a family with constant fighting so it had seemed at least sort of normal at first). DD is the joy of all of our lives - DS's are so sweet with her it melts my heart every time.
I come here to get the other point of view because I want to try to understand. I also come here to get advice when there is some particularly difficult situation.
So I just found out last week that I'm pregnant with my first child. Anthony and I met in high school; I was a freshman, he was a sophomore. We dated back then (he was my first everything), but ended up going our seperate ways after high school. We each dated other people. He briefly dated an older woman whom he got pregnant with their daughter. He was 19 and she was 26. She already had young daughter from another relationship. He wanted to do the right thing, so he married her and accepted the older daughter as his own. But the relationship was terrible; they ended up not even living in the same house for more than a month at a time during their marriage. She became pregnant a second time, with a son. The relationship got worse... After being seperated during the pregnancy, she kicked him out officially when their son was 1 month old.
Shortly thereafter, he and I reconnected. We have now been together for over 7 years, and living together for over 6 years. His ex-wife ended up remarrying (and is now divorcing) a man that already had a daughter. His ex-wife legally adopted the new husband's daughter, and now has custody over her during the divorce. We have accepted this daughter into our family as well.
So... there's me and him, we're pregnant with our first child together. He and his ex-wife have two children together. His ex-wife had a child before getting with him, and now has an adopted child from a more recent marriage. Ex's daughter: 11. Ex's adopted daughter: 10. DH's kids: 9 and almost 8.
My 9-y-o SD is super excited about the baby. The others, too, but none so much as her. She has always been a daddy's girl and fought to live with us. Her excitement over the pregnancy is causing more friction between her and her mother than there had been in the past-- although she has always had issues with her mother. I'm nervous about ex-wife squelching the kids' excitement, and also nervous about the whole dynamic. Ex-wife is not-so-happy, but dealing.