Role call - who's here and why? — The Bump
Blended Families

Role call - who's here and why?

Who's here and why?  This is also an invite to lurkers to come on out.

I'm here (obviously)

My DH has an almost 10 (in Jan) year old son.  DH met BM at a party one night and got a phone call three months later to say he was going to be a daddy.  

She was thrilled and he was devastated.  

Currently we have SS every weekend.  I get along great with SS and fine with BM.  DH struggles with both.  He gets along fine with SS but does not go out of his way for him.  He could definitely do a lot more.

BM is a good mother and provides a good stable home.  She never interferes with us or our relationship these days and since I have taken a step back and made DH do all the pick ups and drops off's I rarely hear from her, see her or hear about her (other than from SS).  

After 5 years together I am totally at ease with BF life and have no struggles around it.

In fact I would go so far as to say, given the choice, I wouldn't change a thing.  I simply can't imagine life without SS in it now.

 

  

 

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Re: Role call - who's here and why?

  • I'll go.

    I lurked a long time on this site before making an intro a couple of weeks back.

    I've got SS21 who is in jail. BM contacts only very rarely (once every couple of months) if there is a major update. Case in point: SS in jail.

    I've got SD10 (different BM). SD is awesome, smart, loving, caring, very driven by her feelings and emotions, easily hurt - she reminds me of myself sometimes. BM and I have a tense relationship at best. She and I are fake-sweet to each other during pick-ups/drop-offs and school or extracurricular events, but she regularly shoots jabs at me in emails to DH. (Mostly she just focuses her insults on him, but sometimes I get dragged into it).

    I have a baby on the way. As this is approaching, SD's BM is getting meaner, asking for more money, insulting us on a more regular basis, and making life generally difficult. I don't believe she has dated anyone since her divorce 9 years ago, so I suspect jealousy might be a thing but I really just don't get it. DH is the most spectacular father; sometimes I just want to shake her so she wakes up and sees how loved her daughter is by our little blended family.

     

  • I'll play.

    I used to post more frequently - but I've been at a new job since August and I don't have as much time anymore :(

    I am a SM and BM.  I have been married to DH for over 3 years and we have been together for just over 5 years.  SS is 8 and we have shared custody of him.  I also have a 2 yo DD and one on the way.

    SS and I get along great and the kids are thick as thieves (I hope it always stays that way).  BM is another story.  Her and DH do not speak.  She despises DH and I and each step we take in our life causes hell from her.  (buy house, engaged, marry, pregnant...).

    Currently SS is having lots of problems at school and socially.  He is seeing a counselor and tells us and the counselor he wants to change his custody schedule and he wants to be at Dad's more.  Of course - BM won't hear of it.  This is making SS angry and he has been acting out.  SS is also afraid to talk to his BM.  He has even gone to the point that he won't even let his Mom drive him to counseling - he's afraid she'l try to listen in through the door.  In general - things are not going greta for SS, but we are doing everything we can to support him.

    BM has been in 2 serious relationships since divorce --but none have lasted to marriage.  As far as we know she is not currently in a relationship.

    I am also the product of blending.  My parents divorced when I was 13 (great timing) and I had a SM for 20 years (they are now divorced). I was also a victim of parental alienation from my Mom - what fun!

    Other than our issues with BM - there is usually happiness in our house.  My SS, DH, DD, and I all gel very well and we are very happy together!

  • Im here. I had ds1(who is 16) when I was in high school with my one and only boyfriend I had since age 12. He and I quit dating when ds was 6 months old. He went through several girlfriends until he married his wife (who I also have known since middle school). They have been married 12 or so years. Sm and I have always gotten along. She is a nice person who loves my son. She is very meek though and defers to bf on everything. BF has grown into a nice guy and an ok father. He very much is too much of a friend to ds though.

    I've been with my dh about 6 years now. We have a 4 yr old and im due in feb with a girl (finally), Dh and ds1 relationship is pretty good. It's gotten better through the years. Dh thinks I baby ds1 too much. He despises ds's bf. He gets angry that bf rarely is involved in anything school or discipline related. Also some of bf's relatives are racist and it of course bothers my dh. Dh is always civil and never bad mouths bf though.

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  • I'm here.

    I'm here because I have a SD6.  Been married to DH just over a year but together 4 years next month.  DH and BM share a horrible 50/50 schedule.  Poor SD never knows who is picking her up or what house she is sleeping in that night. This week we have had her Mon and Tues night, BM picked up last night, I pick her back up tonight and we have her until Monday.  Next week we have her every other day.  It's just too much for a little one and I feel really bad for her.  The CO doesn't specify days except that out of a 14 day period each parent gets 7 days.  BM is a RN and works 7am-7pm on the days she works and has no help so she picks SD up the night before her day off.  It is never consistent and she picks her up at almost her bed time.  DRIVES ME INSANE.  I'm also expecting my first in Feb (a little girl).

    DH and BM both do as little as possible and I do most of the parenting.  I always know what is going on at school, ballet, church, etc.  BM and DH both rely on me to keep up with SD's daily stuff and I'm tired of it.  I have tired to withdrawl some but it just makes DH mad and it starts an ugly fight.  We have a great relationship except when it comes to SD.  He thinks I'm too hard on her and I think both him and BM give her everything and expect little from her. She is having a very hard time in school and I'm the only one that works with her on her homework and her behavior.

    BM and I get along better now that she is no longer married.  We are civil at school functions and keep each other informed of what is going on with SD.  I wish both parents would have a bigger part in SD life but they both get to come in and play the "fun" parent while I'm the "mean" parent with rules, homework, and a schedule. I also firmly believe that SD needs counseling and to be tested for some learning disabilities but since I'm just SM I have no say.

    I grew up in a BF.  Mom and dad divorced when I was 5.  Mom remarried when I was 6 almost 7 and dad remarried when I was 14.  I have several step siblings I consider "real" and never use step unless I'm explaining how I'm related to them all.  I also have a very weird BF in that my mom and step mom are almost BFF (call each other wife-in-law) and my step siblings all get along no matter which side they come from.  All my nieces and nephews think they are cousins and family get togethers involve both side and usually have 20-30 people.  It's a crazy situation and I know it wouldn't work for most people but my parents have always put me and my little sister first and made sure their relationship was friendly so we didn't get hurt.

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  • I thought you were looking for a "because I can't fold another load of laundry" type answer for why we're here....

    This is going to take awhile:

    I met my SSs when they were four and two.  Their BM had walked out on DH when younger SS was practically a newborn.  She was overwhelmed and turned to drugs to cope.   She was working, taking classes, and taking care of the two kids.  Since having LO, I have a little more sympathy for what she was going through, but certainly no more understanding of her choices.

    She left, moved, and DH didn't know where she was when I met him.  He had filed for divorce, but the case had sat so long it was thrown out.  He got more dedicated to tracking her down after I came around. 

    The better part of a year went by, and it was all great.  DH and the kids were awesome, and we all kind of fell in together.  After DH refiled, BM's attorney contacted him about giving BM his contact information. One day BM called, and SS said "J&A2008 is here!  Want to talk to her?" 

    BM filed for full custody shortly after that.  We reintroduced her to the boys a while later.  A few months later, she was granted visitation, against our wishes.  We were happy to let her see them while with us, but she had failed her rehabilitation program, and we believed she was still using drugs.

    Then came a rosy period, for the boys anyway, when BM had regular EOW visits.  That went on for a summer.  Then came the news that BM had been arrested for drug possession.  Then we found out it had happened weeks ago, and BM had recently had them for visitation.  Then we found out BM's other child with a craptastic failure of a man was taken from her because of the drug arrest and that there had already been an open file for the family for domestic violence. 

    Then came a flurry of accusations and lies from BM.  Somehow, we had set up her drug arrest.  She had no knowledge of the drugs in her home.  Then, her boyfriend must have set her up and put the drugs in the drawer where they were found.  Then, we got a hold of reports from her social worker, intended to help her case for restoring visitation, which said the drugs had been found on her person.  I began to see what we were dealing with.

    I asked for a family leave of absence from my job.  Many go-rounds with her and our attorney, we landed on an agreement that we would take the boys to go see her once a month for a supervised visit.  Months go by, BM cancels many of the visits.   I return to work.

    I find out I am pg with LO.  DH rejoices, I'm terrified, the boys tell BM.  A month or so later, we find out she is now expecting.  Her due date puts her time of conception within two weeks of finding out from SSs that we're having a baby.  Ick.  BM's bf gets another arrest for DV, BM gets like her fourth restraining order against him.  BM calls me and screams a nonsensical tirade of how I will be unhappy with DH because I'll find out he'll never support our family and how he's such a bad father.  (Her bf is unemployed.)  The best I can figure is that it's all the things she wants to say to herself for getting knocked up by her bf again.

    I quit my job to SAH.  Another round of court dates follows as BM fights to get back overnight visitation.  She wins.  We shop around for another attorney.

    Then begins another rosy period for the boys of EOW visits.  We are concerned about how freely she lets them roam in her neighborhood and how dirty and badly sunburned when they get home.  We're also worried about how they are eating and how she lets them have the tv on all night.  We're of course still worried she's using drugs and that her boyfriend is back in the picture. I start posting on the BF board and get flamed to high heaven for letting my SSs call me mom, questioning BM's "parenting" and not knowing my place as a SM.

    LO is born.  BM is nearer her due date and stops visitation.  Her LO is born.  I think there's another DV arrest.  She doesn't call or keep in touch.  We are in her area for Christmas and try to reach her so the boys can see her.  She calls back four days later, on Christmas eve.  We arrange a visit at her home for a couple hours.  The boys go to her home, then she calls asking about them spending the night, since their big present of a video game system "hasn't arrived yet."  She says they can't get it unless they stay longer.  We say no and pick them up.  The boys are sad and angry.

    More months go by with no contact with BM.  Somewhere in here there's another DV incident.  She calls on Mother's day to let us know she's in rehab.  Throughout this whole period, there have been numerous court dates on the custody situation.  She finally signs off and the case is finished.

    More months go by.  BM quits rehab.  Her two other children are adopted into their foster family.  More months go by, BM moves.  I find out via text message. 

    A year goes by.  We move.  And, I think that's our whole story. 

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • Present (and on my blackberry) I am a SM to SS age 8. We have standard order of possession in the state of TX (every other weekendn one day/week, 30 days in the summer, alternating holidays) DH and I have been together almost 6 years, married almost 4. We have a DD that will be 2 in December. We live about 30-45 min away from BM. Things are pretty good between DH and BM with the usual disagreements. Our most current argument is her blaming DH for stuff SS is old enough to be responsible for (sports equipment, etc) BM is not currently married but does have 2 adult children from her first marriage. My parents divorced when I was 12. My mom remarried when I was 14 and my dad when I was 24. I'm pretty close with my stepdad, my stepmom is more of a friend.
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  • Wow J&A yikes. I'm sorry you and your SS' have to worry about all that.I'm here because BM is a really special woman. She believes SS7 needs to be in the middle of any and all adult issues. Pick ups, scheduling doctors appointments, her alcohol rehab, any and all conflicts, SS needs to be informed and asked to weigh in with his opinion. SS is the absolute sweetest kid, but comes home from visits with his mom (she gets every other weekend) rolling his eyes, cursing, asking to play grand theft auto (we don't even own it) and to watch his "favorite show" teen mom. She is into drugs and has had some problems with the law in the past two years. I came here to get more perspective, advice regarding court stuff and suggestions on how to live and let live with regard to her parenting style. There's so much more but I'd rather keep my posts about her pretty vague.
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  • I'm here because I have a 2 yr old SD. I like reading everyones post because I feel like it'll help me later on when we start to meet some of the issues with being a blended family when she's older.

    DH was 17 when he met BM, they dated off and on for awhile and at the age of 20 she made him buy her a ring set and got him to propose in front of her dad. They got married at the JP's office 2 months later-she was 18. She got pregnant quickly but lost their first baby..She started sleeping around/ he began staying away from the house more and more and they started trying again to "fix" everything. My SD was born in August-they didn't make it past Oct. He came home she took everything BUT the baby.

    He was scared sh!tless-at this point he's 21 his marriage has failed and he just found himself in the complete care of a baby girl lol...He bumped into me a few weeks later and decided nothing in the world would do-we started dating feb 2009 and got married june 2011.

    We have 75/100 custody of my SD (don't ask how it works because I barely get it). When she starts pre-K she will live with us full time with BM taking standard visitation. This worked out because we were underhanded, spent alot of money and fought for our girl. My husband is an excellent father (I was raised by a single dad so I have a little bit of a soft spot lol) and I love SD more than I ever could imagine.

    Bm is...Immature. She shacked up with her boyfriend she left H & SD for and they live in an old trailer her BF's uncle gave them. She's in college but thats for financial aid. She chain smokes, parties and just basically has SD around so she can show her off before dumping her back over here smelling nasty and usually sick with something...I wish she was a better mom and I have a hard time understanding her because of it. I avoid any contact with her-SD calls me mommy and nothing we do breaks this and it's been a huge bone of contention with her...Hope it gets better but with her also having a baby on the way I doubt it. Sd is starting to have a few issues but we're trying to deal with them as they come ( her mommy told her I won't love her when the new baby comes, heavy stuff for a 2 yr old).

    I've been here with my little family for almost two years ( we moved fast but hey when you know you know...). I couldn't imagine not having SD in my life and I am so happy with my Husband. I always tell people I got the best 2 for 1 deal in history (all the joys of having a sweet little girl without the pregnancy, hell yes!). Can't wait for our boy to get here, SD is going to be one hell of a big sister!

     

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  • I frist came to this board because I married my H, who has 2 kids (ss13 & sd5) and they have different bm's.  Things were easy before we got married, then everything went to sh!t, and I came here for advice and just to read about others situations.  This past year things have gotten so much better, so I am happy about that.

    My H was married to SS's BM, and in a 5 year relationship with SD's bm (never married).  The relationship with BM2 ended about a year before we met, so she was still bitter and pissed off and created a lot of drama.  Things are better now, and I have a decent relationship with both of them.  We are not friends, but we get a long.

    I also have 2 bio kids (none with DH), my DD is 10 and her dad has a live in GF and an almost 2 year old baby.  I have a VERY rocky relationship with him, due to his gf and her jealousy issues.

    I am also a product of a blended family.  My Dad remarried when I was a teenager and my stepmom had a daughter from a prior marriage. My bio sister and I are probably like the teen stepdaughters that you all complain about... looking back, we were mean to our SM!

     

  • I'm here. I pop in and out- not a regular, but know quite a few of your stories. I have gotten very good advice on here, and a few wake up calls.

    SS is 13, (We have him EOW) I met him when he was 5. H and I have been married 3 years, together 8.  BM has finally settled down after literally moving 8 times across the state, and once out of state. They are now 3 hours away.  I have had to step back big time. I was in the middle of everything and upset over the way the parenting is done.  SS tells lies about me, possibly to please his mother, and I have been nothing but good to him. My feelings are hurt, I can't deny that. BM is more a friend to SS than a parent, but that is her choice. SS pays no attention to LO- and that upsets me. I am too emotionally involved in how i think SS should be, and I come here to remind myself that I am a step mother, and I need to chill out. This is not one big perfect happy family, and it doesnt have to be.

    I have an almost 10 month old LO, and two mutts, The 3 of them bring me such joy, daily.

    For your viewing pleasure...LO and Sammy D. (D, as in the devil)

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  • I am here with four bio kids....Son 16, daughter 14, daughter 11, and daughter 8 mo.  Oldest two kiddos from first marriage and 11 yo from second.  I have a soon to be step daughter who is 14 and baby girl is our child together.  Ex husband one is a PITA has an ok relationship with son and no relationship with 14yo daughter.  Ex 2 is a good father but a crappy ex husband.  Both ex husband remarried shortly after our divorces and ironically the women they married are ex friends of mine (DRAMA). My SO is wondergul to all the kids and even though he lives 3 hours away from his daughter he is very involved.  I have never been a SM before this is my first expierence with it. I do have years of expierence with the SM's of my bio kids.
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  • I am here because I am SM to SD15 (16 in Jan), SD13, SS11, and SD11. DH and I have been together for 8 years and married 5.5 years.

    I came at first for advise on dealing with BM#1 and BM#2. My H had children with two of the most opposite women you could ever meet. I got reminded a lot to put my big girl panties on and it really help.

    Now I mostly come here for issue with SD15. She is mad at the world including DH, SD13, and me. DH, BM#1, and SD15 have there first theropy session in November. I hope this will be a step in the right direction.

    I still love them all and couldn't imagine my life without them. We have a lot of fun in our complicated situation! We were TTC but have hit the pause button so we don't put the teen over the edge. Once we talk to a professional we will see if we feel comfortable moving forward.

  • DH and I have been married for 3 years.  I have a 6 yr old SS that we have custody of and an almost 8 mth olf DD. 

     BM is super "nice" to us..uncomfortably nice actually..but she is a TERRIBLE mother to SS.  There is something always more important than SS and she is just one big broken promise.  SS is starting to notice and really get his feelings hurt.  In the last 6 months it has really taken a toll on his self esteem and his self worth. BM has EOW, but rarely shows up.  She calls and tells SS all the things they are going to do..and then never shows.  It's really a terrible thing to watch a wonderful little boy go through.

    I am just picking up the slack and being the best "mother" I can be to him.  I hope one day she steps up for his sake.

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  • I'm here. I've been married for one year but living with DH for almost 4 years.

    I have a DD who is almost 5 and has never met her BF. She as been around DH since she was 12 months she knows him as daddy. We will have to figure that one out...later.

    DH has SS 11 who lives with us full time and goes to his BM EOW. She is in and out but she has been pretty stable this past year ( I don't think she ever keeps him the whole weekend though). The longest she has been gone was 3 years but that was before my time. Usually it's just a few months at a time. Hopefully she stays in his life this time around. We don't really have any communication with her. She is more like our EOW babysitter than his mom.

    DH also has a 4 yo son with another BM. She is very involved and likes to take DH to court once a year. How she gets away with it I have no idea. We don't get along but I am the only one that has communication with her. We hardly ever talk though and it's kind of stange since he is so young.

    Besides the court issue coming up so often it's pretty stress free.

     

     

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  • I'm here!

    I have two children, DSD-7 and DS-3 months. DH and I have been together 5 years and married 4. We've known each other since I was 7...attended the same church.  Since there's a five,almost six, year age at 7 I thought hubby and boys had cooties.

    DH and BM married and had DSD.  They got divorced and DH got custody with BM getting visitation.  Fast forward a little DH lost his civilian job and went active duty. When he did he wasn't allowed to be a single dad.  He signed a paper he thought was a parenting plan stating that DSD live with his mom(MIL), BM getting weekends,and him anytime he had/has leave.  We're currently awaiting court to change the CO.  MIL doesn't allow involvement unless it suits her fancy.

    BM and I get along. I don't agree with her life choices,but I want her in DSD's life.  She has 3 kids including DSD and just divorced hubby #3. She is in agreement that DSD live with us.  Her oldest came to visit over the summer and we're involved in her life considering she is DSD's sister and DH's step-daughter.

     My parents divorced when I was 3 years old. Dad remarried when I was about 7 and is getting divorced after 15 years. My stepmom had 2 boys(my step-brothers) and 1 girl(my sister).  My mom got married when I was 9 and had no more living children. My mom n stepmom get along. I think this has helped me get along with BM. 

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  • I joined this board about 4 years ago after I married my DH - 4 years ago today in fact! 

    We have a 1 year old daughter together and DH has four adult kids from 3 previous marriages.  As he says, he was very young and very dumb then.  SS29 and SD21 are the troubled ones and SD is the primary reason I came here when I was trying to deal with her major drama. I'll just leave it at that.  I'm trying to put it all behind me and move on in a more positive direction. 

    The board helped me thru a very difficult time in my life and I'm grateful for it.  I visit to vent a little about some stuff that still goes on, but for the most part trying to help others. 

  • I'm an occasional lurker that is a single mom.  Back story (summarized) is ex and I were together 14 years, married 5 when he admitted cheating and wanted to be with her during summer 2010.  I moved back to my home state a year ago and we were legally separated. We had to wait a year to file for divorce and the paperwork has begun... we should be officially divorced by the holidays.  My parents are still married - almost 40 years - and this whole single parent/divorce/shared custody thing is foreign to me.

     I was set up on a blind date last January and it's turned into a wonderful and healthy relationship.  My kids recently met his family and my family loves him.  Nothing is final, but we've talked about this becoming long term and getting married in the future.  So I am here to read about blended families and understand how things normally work, how to handle issues as they arise, and how to do what's best for my kids.  Their dad still lives out of state and has them for 1.5 days every 6 weeks on average so he is rarely in the picture and if I end up marrying BF he will have a huge role in my daughter's lives.

    DD1 01.19.07
    DD2 11.17.08

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  • I'm more of a lurker but do post occasionally.  I have one SS, 10 who lives with us full time.  I came into his life when he was six.  He is bipolar and has ADHD and ODD.  Teacher's have also suggested possible autism but we have yet to receive that diagnosis from a medical professional.  He is not the easiest to handle because emotinally he acts more like a three year old than a ten year old. 

     BM was abusive toward him as a baby which is why DH was able to get full custody in the divorce.  We have not heard from her in about 2.5 years.  I have never met or spoken to her.  The last time SS saw her was June 2009.   She remarried in 2008 and had another child in 08/2008 who SS has only met the one time.  She has pretty much abandoned him for her new life.  She was paying child support up until this month, coming directly from her military pay.  We think she was discharged because we did not receive it this month.  I keep telling DH he needs to track her down and hold her accountable but hasn't happened yet. SS used to get sad about not seeing or talking to her much but I think he gets it that she doesn't seem to care.  He never talks about her anymore. 

     




  • I'm here! DH and BM married young when he joined the military. They had my two SDs. I'll put this delicately to avoid BM bashing but there were reports of questionable behavior on BMs part from other people. While she was pregnant with SD2 she confirmed this in a fight so DH initiated the separation. DH and I met when they had been separated for 1.5 years (met in 2004). They did the divorce themselves, no lawyers so it took a while. DH and I got engaged in 2008, married 2009. We have no kids of our own, we can't afford it in a HCOL city and with me in an administrative job. I'm going back to grad school to get my career on track basically so that I can afford to have two children. We have my SDs during summer and alternating holidays since they live with BM 8 hours away. ETA: We get along with BM, things were rocky due to an incident right after the CO was finalized in 2007. I asked a lawyer at work for advice on an issue and relayed the advice (containing lots of threats and ultimatums) to DH but at the bottom I said I think thats too harsh and maybe we should do it this way. DH didn't read the bottom and when I got home he and BM had had it out. It was kind of funny when he blamed me and I showed him the bottom of the email and his face turned really white. They cooled off, he used to be kind of assy to her but once we got engaged I got involved and I kind of help him see it from her POV so now we get along.
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  • Aimes and Mrslucid, I hope your kids are in therapy.  Yours sound like really tough situations. 

    I know there were others, but your two stood out to me on this read-through as being really sad for the kids.

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • image J&A2008:

    Aimes and Mrslucid, I hope your kids are in therapy.  Yours sound like really tough situations. 

    I know there were others, but your two stood out to me on this read-through as being really sad for the kids.

    He does see a psychiatrist and is on medication.  We haven't found a good therapist for him yet, but agree that he does need one. 




  • image mrslucid:
    image J&A2008:

    Aimes and Mrslucid, I hope your kids are in therapy.  Yours sound like really tough situations. 

    I know there were others, but your two stood out to me on this read-through as being really sad for the kids.

    He does see a psychiatrist and is on medication.  We haven't found a good therapist for him yet, but agree that he does need one. 

    Have you started with the school psychologist?  We started there, and she was really helpful.

    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • ::steps out of lurkdom carefully::

    Ok...I'll come out. Never posted here because I'm not sure how welcome I would be. I do not have any stepchildren, it is just me, my DH and DS. However, I am from a blended family. I am the SD. As an adult, it still affects me to some degree. I lurk here to hopefully get a better understanding from the other point of view and maybe one day be able to offer advice from a different point of view? (if anyone is interested?) 

      

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  • My turn.  It's going to be long like J&A2008's so bare with me.

    My DH and I got married in December of 2008.  I have a 5 year old SS from his previous relationship.  They dated but were never married.  Since then I have also had two kids of my own, DS 21 months and DD 6 weeks :)

    Things were fine in the begining, DH and BM shared all the responsibilities of taking care of SS and I was only responsible for picking him up from daycare occasionally when they were both at work late.  They didn't have any CO because we all got along fine and could work things out like civilized people.  They shared custody 50/50 at that point.  We used to have a good relationship with her until around January of 2010.  This is when BM met her winner of a bf. 

    Things started to get kind of sketchy a few months into their relationship so DH and I started documenting everything.  Little things that SS would say when he came back from BM's house would bother us and finally in June something happened that made us start legal proceedings against BM.  SS came home from BM's house one day and was acting very weird and quiet.  When we asked him what was wrong he said he got in trouble at mommys.  We didn't press the issue any more in the car, we just tried to change the subject so he didn't get any more upset.

    There had been issues of spankings at BM's house before and DH confronted the bf and told him not to lay a hand on his son anymore.  So we knew what had happened when he told us he got in trouble.  When we got home DH took SS up stairs and checked him over.  He found bruises on SS from the top of his bottom to the bottom of his thigh.  We immediately called CPS and they started an investigation.  We ended up filing restraining orders against the bf for SS and we were granted full temporary custody.

    There were other findings with the CPS case such as drug use on both of their parts.  They were told to go to counseling and drug classes.  Our restraining order expired in August and we couldn't get it reinstated because it was a "one time occurance".  So we had to let SS go back to BM's after not seeing her for almost two months.

    The night of her first visit with him again, their home was broken into by two armed men.  It was later determined it was drug related and that both BM and the bf knew the two men.  Their relationship started getting bad around that time.  In the year and a half that BM was with this winner she moved 24 times, mostly to hotels, and SS came to our house for the most part.  She knew things were going bad with her and bf so she didn't fight us on this.  He went to seeing her one day a week, overnight.

    About a month ago the bf was arrested for a slew of felonies.  He will be going to prison, so they decided to break up.  She still only see's SS about once every two weeks or so, when she calls, if she remembers.  We suspect she is still on drugs and maybe selling them as well.

    DH and I have been fighting a lot since DS and DD were born.  Things have gotten really tense between us and I have considered moving out (refer to post below).  I am going to attempt counsleing first even though he is not willing to join me.  We will see where it goes from there.  I will probably be taking a time out to see my dad for a week or two just to put things into perspective.  If you actually read all of this then you deserve a cookie!

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  • Emma, more T&P for you, your SS and your LOs.  That sounds really intense.  I hope you find your happiness.
    Stay at home mom to a house of boys: two amazing stepsons, 12 and 9, and our 4 year old.
  • image J&A2008:
    Emma, more T&P for you, your SS and your LOs.  That sounds really intense.  I hope you find your happiness.

    Thanks :(  Too much for anyone to go through, especially SS.

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  • Hi.  I lurk and sometimes post if I have something worthwhile to add.

    I have DD6 and DS4 and have been separated from their father for 4 years (DS was 5 weeks old when ex asked us to move out).  He now has a gf and a baby.  His parenting time is EOW and one evening a week, but he chooses to only have them every other Saturday night, ie. my free babysitter.  He never calls them, never asks about school or activities... he got himself demoted at work for breaking company rules and is now fighting me to get CS lowered.  DD adores him, DS couldn't care less about him.

    Met SO three years ago (though we had known each other in HS), started dating, and now we live together.  He has a DD8 and we have a good relationship with her BM who is remarried with two more babies.  We have her EOW and one evening a week.  He also found out he has a 9yr old son just 2 years ago, and it's been slow-going but he's working on a relationship there.  We spent time with him over the summer finally.  He is amazing with all our kids!

    Right now we are super content and happy, just need a bigger house :)

    SS10 - SD9 - DD7 - DS5 - DS born 10/3/12
  • image *tbd*:

    ::steps out of lurkdom carefully::

    Ok...I'll come out. Never posted here because I'm not sure how welcome I would be. I do not have any stepchildren, it is just me, my DH and DS. However, I am from a blended family. I am the SD. As an adult, it still affects me to some degree. I lurk here to hopefully get a better understanding from the other point of view and maybe one day be able to offer advice from a different point of view? (if anyone is interested?) 

      

    We are always interested in another point of view! Getting into these teen years I will take any advise I can that makes sense, helps the situation, and helps me understand. I had a blended family also but my experience was totally different then my SD's.

  • My turn. 

    DH and I have been together 3 years and were married a little over a year ago.  I have an 8y/o SD.  DH and I have a 3 month old girl.  BM is married and has three other children: a 4y/o girl, a 1y/o boy, and a little girl who just arrived Oct 17 (7 weeks before her due date).

    DH and I currently have primary physical custody.  During the school year we have SD Tues, Wed, and Thurs nights and EOW from Friday to Monday morning.  BM keeps her Mon nights and EOW.  Summer BM gets her from Sunday morning to Wed morning and we get her back Wed and keep her until Sunday.  DH and BM share joint legal custody.

    We have some issues, like any blended fam, mostly financial ones.  But we do get along with BM and very much try to portray that we are ALL SDs family and that we ALL love her and thus (to an extent) each other.  SD is in counseling which has helped her greatly, and overall, things are pretty smooth.

    BM is a good person with good intentions, but she is forgetful and can be lazy.  Her and DH have short tempers where each other are concerned so I do most of the communicating between households, with the school, doctors, the baby-sitter, etc...  Not ideal, but for now, it works.

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
  • image danac2010:

    DH and BM both do as little as possible and I do most of the parenting.  I always know what is going on at school, ballet, church, etc.  BM and DH both rely on me to keep up with SD's daily stuff and I'm tired of it.  

     He thinks I'm too hard on her and I think both him and BM give her everything and expect little from her. She is having a very hard time in school and I'm the only one that works with her on her homework and her behavior.

     I wish both parents would have a bigger part in SD life but they both get to come in and play the "fun" parent while I'm the "mean" parent with rules, homework, and a schedule.

    You and I should talk sometime.  ((hugs))

    Mama of 2: one who grew in my womb, both who grow in my heart.
  • It's amazing how varied blended families can be =) some of ya'lls stories literally made my jaw drop and for those I hope things get better =( I feel very fortunate to have entered SD's life as soon as I did because I see your struggles with older kids and I know I have some time to go before I can be that strong/tough. I was raised by a very devoted single father who actually refused to date until we were all grown. Mom walked out when I was 7 and my little brother was 5. She left her oldest son from a previous marriage as well (pretty.damn.low) but my father loved us all very much and no one ever did without...We have a relationship now but it's meh-she shows up when things are interesting. Think thats why I try so hard with my SD-I had one hell of a role model on how to be a parent lol go dads.
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  • I'm here...

    I usually don't share anything specific as I'm concerned in regards to who might read whatever I write, so I am the SM with no birth children of my own-not a big deal... I love my SKIDS and am so thankful they live nearby (as some here don't and I can't imagine how that is!).

    DH and I have been together for almost 6 yrs now (SIX!) and married almost 3. 

  • image NikkiJ19:
    image *tbd*:

    ::steps out of lurkdom carefully::

    Ok...I'll come out. Never posted here because I'm not sure how welcome I would be. I do not have any stepchildren, it is just me, my DH and DS. However, I am from a blended family. I am the SD. As an adult, it still affects me to some degree. I lurk here to hopefully get a better understanding from the other point of view and maybe one day be able to offer advice from a different point of view? (if anyone is interested?) 

      

    We are always interested in another point of view! Getting into these teen years I will take any advise I can that makes sense, helps the situation, and helps me understand. I had a blended family also but my experience was totally different then my SD's.

     Thank you. I hope I can help, or at least offer a different point of view.  

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  • image J&A2008:
    image mrslucid:
    image J&A2008:

    Aimes and Mrslucid, I hope your kids are in therapy.  Yours sound like really tough situations. 

    I know there were others, but your two stood out to me on this read-through as being really sad for the kids.

    He does see a psychiatrist and is on medication.  We haven't found a good therapist for him yet, but agree that he does need one. 

    Have you started with the school psychologist?  We started there, and she was really helpful.

    He does have an IEP and is in a smaller classroom.  Along with that he does see the school counselor.




  • Filed for divorce in December 2008 when my girls were almost 3 months old.

    Went through a fairly nasty divorce that was finalized in April 2010.

    Met a super awesome guy in December 2010. Unbeknownst to us at first, we had met, through my ex-husband's brother, years ago. Decided to give dating a try, even though it could have been an awkward situation. Ended up becoming exclusive early on into dating, and realized that we wanted similar things out of life.

    Got a BFP in April 2011, right before Easter. Discussed our options, and realized that we wanted to be a family together. He proposed in May, we eloped in June.

    He has a daughter that is 10 months older than my girls. So right now, we have three 3 year old girls. Life is definitely hectic, but he's an amazing husband, and wonderful father.   

    Ex-h rarely stays in contact about the girls. He sees them on average of one to two nights a month. I was actually nice and allowed him extra visitation on top of the standard agreement. He's never taken them for more than 2 nights in a row - and never takes them for Easter/Christmas/Summer breaks.

    H has his daughter EOW and EO Thursday evening. He gets 4 weeks during summer, a week at Christmas & Easter. It kills him that my ex is allowed extra time with his children, but doesn't take it - and he wants more with his daughter.

    Right now, we're gearing up for what may turn out to be a fight with his ex-wife. She was home-schooled, and plans to home-school their daughter. They are very conservative fundamentalist Baptists. We'd like SD to have more options in life other than get married and have children. We will probably end up offering to pay for a private Christian education for her (which kills the public school teacher in me).

    image

    imageimage

    TheseFourButton-1.png

  • I'm both a BM and SM. We have custody of my 11 year old DD. She has Asperger's and ADHD (both of which my Ex think are made up...) Anyway, Ex and I were never married but we were together 7 years, engaged 6 years before we split up in a very messy way when DD was 5.

    Here is the very brief version. He did not want me but did not want me to be with anyone else either. So he had a habit of breaking it off with me and then coming back but the last time I told him that would happen no more. He got engaged 3 months after we split (to DD's SM), but continued to stalk and harrass me, calling up to 50+ times a day and lurking outside my house. Luckily, DD doesn't remember any of this because she used to wake up at the sound of him banging on our doors and windows all hours of the night. He made false police reports and CPS reports that were all unfounded. After DH and I started dating he made death threats on DH, my SKs and me. This conversation was recorded as the police had instructed me to record all conversations from him. This resulted in a protective order that was issued just a few months before his marriage to DD's SM, but he still maintained his standard visitation with DD (EOW, a month in the summer and alternating holidays) since he did not make any threats toward her. He was not allowed any contact with me during that time and could not be within 100 ft of me or my house or my work. His mother would communicate with me during this time on his behalf and his SF would do pick ups and drop offs. Since the protective order was lifted in 2006, we have not had any further issues. I finally gave him my cell # again about 3 years ago. He does the pick ups and drop offs (we meet at a mutually decided location) and he maintains normal phone contact with me and we actually very cordial to each other. I never in a thousand years would have ever thought we would get to this point. My only complaint about him currently is that he only treats DD like she's his on his weekends and he never comes to any school functions and never takes his weekday visits.

    We also have my 3 SKs. SD is 10, oldest SS is 9 and youngest SS is 7. We believe oldest SS is also on the autism specturm and are still trying to get BM to consent to testing. The signs are obvious to DH and I. DH and BM were high school sweethearts and got married after SD was born. BM had a history of cheating on DH, but he was trying to stick it out for the kids sake and he did so until he caught her red handed. Anyway, they split when DH found her shacked up in their bed with another guy (now SK's SF) with the kids in the next room. We have the standard visitation with them as well. We had DH's CO amended where he actually has the typical "custodial" parent weekends, ect so that all of the kids can be with us at the same times. We get along fairly well with BM, but we do have more rough spots with her than with my Ex. We typically see the kids more than our CO because they are all 3 in sports so we usually see them 3-4 times a week besides our CO'ed time.

    DH and I have known each other since DH was born (our dads are best friends) so that will be 30 years next month. We have walked down the aisle together 3 times (2x in his sisters' weddings as junior bridesmaid and junior groomsmen and once for our own.) We reconnected through MySpace (LOL). We have been together 6 years, engaged 5.5 years and married for 3.5 years. I have known the kids since they were 4, just turning 3 and 14 months. We had DS our "ours" baby in May 2010.

    So that brings us to 5 kids, but we also have my nephew who is in high school that lives with us fulltime. There is no CO or support order for him. He is my brother's and his life is a mess because of his parents. They are in blended families that are highly disfunctional. Someday, I might share that mess of a Jerry Springer story.

    I was also a child of a blended family. I'm the youngest of my parents and their "ours" baby. All of my siblings are half-siblings to me and step to each other. We do not use those terms though so I just call them my brother and sisters. My blended family going up was such that no one outside our family even knew that we weren't all related biologically.

    I feel like I have a pretty well rounded view of blended families because of all of this.

    DD(14),SD(13),SS(11),SS(9),DS(3)

  • image FutureMrsWittig:
    image danac2010:

    DH and BM both do as little as possible and I do most of the parenting.  I always know what is going on at school, ballet, church, etc.  BM and DH both rely on me to keep up with SD's daily stuff and I'm tired of it.  

     He thinks I'm too hard on her and I think both him and BM give her everything and expect little from her. She is having a very hard time in school and I'm the only one that works with her on her homework and her behavior.

     I wish both parents would have a bigger part in SD life but they both get to come in and play the "fun" parent while I'm the "mean" parent with rules, homework, and a schedule.

    You and I should talk sometime.  ((hugs))

    I'm willing to talk to anyone that has been there or can help me when I just need to vent!  Life has been pretty hectic in the last year (SD passed away last year and dealing with all the emotions of that) and then getting pregnant (more emotions) and now pretty much being a single mom to a child that doesn't think she has to listen to me because "I'm just the SM" I'm over it some days!

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  • image *tbd*:
    image NikkiJ19:
    image *tbd*:

    ::steps out of lurkdom carefully::

    Ok...I'll come out. Never posted here because I'm not sure how welcome I would be. I do not have any stepchildren, it is just me, my DH and DS. However, I am from a blended family. I am the SD. As an adult, it still affects me to some degree. I lurk here to hopefully get a better understanding from the other point of view and maybe one day be able to offer advice from a different point of view? (if anyone is interested?) 

      

    We are always interested in another point of view! Getting into these teen years I will take any advise I can that makes sense, helps the situation, and helps me understand. I had a blended family also but my experience was totally different then my SD's.

     Thank you. I hope I can help, or at least offer a different point of view.  

     

    I am definitely interested in what you have to say.  My parents are still married after almost 40 years so I have a really hard time relating to/understanding exactly what my SS is going through.  My heart breaks for him, but at the same time I do not know exactly what he's thinking/feeling since I've really never had a similar experience.  So I hope to hear more form you  Smile

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  • image J&A2008:

    Aimes and Mrslucid, I hope your kids are in therapy.  Yours sound like really tough situations. 

    I know there were others, but your two stood out to me on this read-through as being really sad for the kids.

    He is not, but have talked about it 100 times and I've been looking around.  I'm hoping to find someone for him to see soon.

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  • First, I'm glad you posted this Phantom!  I've been lurking (occasionally posting) for a while and know bits & pieces of many stories.  It's nice to hear the overviews from all of you!  Smile

    I started coming here about 2 years ago when DH & I were TTC.  We have been together for 6 years, married for almost 2.  I have SS (almost)13 and DS 10 months.  DH & BM dated in high school and SS was born soon after graduation.  They were together on & off for a few years to try to make it work for SS.  BM had taken custody of SS when they broke up and shortly thereafter decided that she couldn't handle the kids.  She sent SS to live with DH and SSs little sister to live with her paternal grandparents. 

    BM was in and out of SSs life in the beginning but has been taking him pretty regularly EOW fo the last year or so.  We don't have a CO in place but it seems to work.  I had some issues with DH not getting any support from BM in the beginning but it's an argument that I'm done having.  Generally we all get along quite well.  SS and I have our moments but it has more to do with the tween years then the blending. 

    I also come from a BF.  My parents were married for 27 years when my dad left my mom for my stepmom.  She is the inspiration for the stepmom I don't ever want to be.  She continued to insult my mother & her family until my sister & I cut off contact with her.  My father no longer has any relationship with us.

    I enjoy reading all of your posts and have gotten a lot of good advice from you ladies!

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