Disappointed in DH??

JamieJeanS

So I am not here to flame my DH, but I was wondering if anyone else is disappointed in their DH's lack of involvement?  My DH & I had a long journey to get our daughter, who ended up unexpectedly premature...its been nothing but stress in terms of the road to parenthood...BUT our daughter is now 4 months old, doing really well, and he barely takes on a parenting role with her beyond some minor play time.  The other day he was responsible for her for 3 hours, and when I came home he looked haggard, tired, and literally went to hand her over when I was just 2 steps in the door.  Not to mention he was handing over a very cranky and overtired baby.

Granted, he has had some other issues in his life come up (with his family) that have kept him away for a little while, but I guess I wasn't expecting to be feeling like a married single parent.  I am trying not to be angry about this, but man...this was so not what I expected! 

Anyone else experience this? Any suggestions on gently easing him in?  I am hoping to go back to work very soon, and he will need to be her caretaker on those days (I will work part time, mostly weekends) but I don't know how that will work.

Pesky

I'd probably start a dialogue about this.  FWIW, DH was like this and we discussed it and he did end up trying to be more active in her life.  I think he's also wonders if the early actions didn't cause the fallout (DD is still a mommy's girl, despite me insisting on one-on-one time with DH regularly).   Maybe just start out by saying "honey, I'm a little worried here.  We tried so hard to have a baby and I feel like you aren't enjoying having her or spending time with her, that you seem taxed by it.  How are you feeling about it?"  Could be he just is overwhelmed by dealing with a baby and being in a caretaker role and just needs encouragement and tips.  Could be he just isn't that into DD while she is still in a relatively boring phase and not able to do much (typical with a lot of guys) and so needs to try to figure out how to interact with her.  Whatever it is, I'd just start the line of questioning.  Sometimes that is all it takes for him to realize he's not being the dad he may want to be and step it up a notch.  Just be sure to be more concerned than accusatory with lots of the "I feel" statements.  GL!

BrideBuddies

Short answer.  Yes.

I think most men don't really know what to do with a newborn or young infant.  It's just not in their nature sometimes to "know" how to take care of them.   They also do not multi-task well.

I know that sounds like I'm making a broad generalization, but I think it's true.

My kid is nearly 2 and I still have to practically force DH to remember to do stuff with him sometimes.

Solution... be blunt.  Do not hint around that you need him to step it up.  Tell him flat out what you want him to do.  "Honey.. It is your turn to change a poopy diaper.  I need a break."

 

stever

Pesky:

I'd probably start a dialogue about this.  FWIW, DH was like this and we discussed it and he did end up trying to be more active in her life.  I think he's also wonders if the early actions didn't cause the fallout (DD is still a mommy's girl, despite me insisting on one-on-one time with DH regularly).   Maybe just start out by saying "honey, I'm a little worried here.  We tried so hard to have a baby and I feel like you aren't enjoying having her or spending time with her, that you seem taxed by it.  How are you feeling about it?"  Could be he just is overwhelmed by dealing with a baby and being in a caretaker role and just needs encouragement and tips.  Could be he just isn't that into DD while she is still in a relatively boring phase and not able to do much (typical with a lot of guys) and so needs to try to figure out how to interact with her.  Whatever it is, I'd just start the line of questioning.  Sometimes that is all it takes for him to realize he's not being the dad he may want to be and step it up a notch.  Just be sure to be more concerned than accusatory with lots of the "I feel" statements.  GL!

I think this is all really good advice. Talk to him, let him know your concerns, but be gentle about it.

 Good luck!

mwd

I am on a business trip right now left Wednesday, and Dh only had to get up one day with kids. He decided he is taking Friday off work, so he can sleep after taking the kids to Daycare.  I return on Sunday afternoon, and he will be exhauusted. So lame!

gimmietimmies

BrideBuddies:

Short answer.  Yes.

I think most men don't really know what to do with a newborn or young infant.  It's just not in their nature sometimes to "know" how to take care of them.   They also do not multi-task well.

I know that sounds like I'm making a broad generalization, but I think it's true.

My kid is nearly 2 and I still have to practically force DH to remember to do stuff with him sometimes.

Solution... be blunt.  Do not hint around that you need him to step it up.  Tell him flat out what you want him to do.  "Honey.. It is your turn to change a poopy diaper.  I need a break."

 

Ditto. And what Pesky said. It is harder for some men and being around young infants, they lose confidence and it shows in their frustration. Keep letting your DH know how you're feeling about it, and ask him about his thoughts. He may just be unsure about being left alone with a baby.

DH was like that, especially at first. But the confidence came with experience, and because I'd tell him when I'd had enough and I needed a break. DH took a brave step when he was laid off 2 years ago, he stayed at home with all four kids for 18 months!

Hopefully your DH will work something out with you so you don't feel like you are doing this all on your own.

kmunikator555

My husband and I tried for nearly 3 years to get preganant with our DS...so I thought, like me, he would instantly bond beyond comprehension to the lil guy.  But I was wrong...he was just plain terrified.  He tried, but he was a mess.  If your husband is any way like mine, maybe he's a bit nervous?  My husband is now a great father to our son, but he comments alot about how much more comfortable he is now that he 'entertains himself.'   He likes to rough house and tease and you can't do that with a little infant.  But I definitely agree with everyone else...open communication is key.  When you need a break, tell him.  It's SHARED responsbilility and the more he does it the more comfortable he'll hopefully feel.  Plus, as an added bonus, he'll understands why you're so tired all the time!

EastCoastBride

I heard a thing once about how if you say "child" to a woman, she pictures a baby.  If you say it to a man, they picture at least a 1 year old if not older.  I hate generalizations too, but I do think that for many men, they just don't know what to "do" w/ a baby.  It's not on their radar growing up.

That being said, a few things that either I've done or I've seen friends do...

1 - give up control!  This can be hard, but I had to do it w/ DH.  he is actually very involved and has opinions.  Guess what?  I had to let him voice his opinions and I had to let HIM make some of the decisions.  Sometimes it was hard - I did want to "overrule" him, but I realized that he IS the dad, he gets a say, and darnit- he's pretty good at it too and often times his decisions were GOOD ones.  But I had to back down and let him have control!!

2 - he has to get involved, either by choice or force!  DH was working very PT when DS was born, so he was around a lot and in turn, he simply did more and was more involved.  I know of 2 friends whose DH's were able to take paternity leave, and both of their DH's have been much more involved from the start than many other men I've seen. 

Also, I had a friend whose DH was like "I dont' know how to give him a bath".  They went into the bathroom, got DS in the bath, and she literally stood up and walked out and left her DH to deal w/ it on his own!  That's how she "learned".  She felt he could learn the same way.

That's the thing.  A lot of times women just take everything on because we feel we're supposed to, or if we take leave, it just falls to us, etc, and we all fall into patterns.  And because we're more hands on at the start, we simply get more confident.

you and your DH have to fight against these patterns.  when he says "I can't/ I don't know how" - then either explain it to him as he does it or let him figure it out!  Don't do it for him. 

This is the only way he will learn and gain confidence. 

And don't let him off the hook!  I have a friend who when their DD was first born, she had a poopy diaper. She asked her DH to change it.  He wrinkled his face and said "I'd rather not".  ha ha.  want to guess what happened?  She laid into him!  "You'd RATHER NOT?  Well, I'd rather not too.  you think I LIKE changing stinky diapers?  But if neither of us does, then our DD will sit in a pile of $hit.  Is that what you want for her?". 

Yeah.... that was the first and last time he said that....

ateytelb

Perhaps your H still doesn't feel confident when he is left alone with the baby because he is not sure what to do with her. When he has no choice (you go back to work), he will be spending much more time with her. Then he will be able to develop his own routine with her and better understand what needs to be sone and when. He will simply feel more comfortable with her and more bonded to her, and the issue may get resolved on its own.

kim1000

Yes. 

Whenever I ask my husband about taking a day off work so I don't have to take off my work  if the daycare provider is off (for example "then you'll get a three-day weekend"), he always mention "Well then that wouldn't really be a three-day weekend if I had to take care of our son".  Excuse me, but what do you think I do on all of my days off?   My husband does watch our son for an hour and a half on Sundays while I go exercise and take a shower.

Do you think it is harder to adjust when older men become fathers?  I think it's hard for both of us.   I do get irritated when my MIL says "it's harder on the men" , especially since I have no one from my family that can help and feel like she's coddling him.   

 Hope you feel you aren't alone and that it gets better with communication. 

NewMrs07

Oh honey, don't even get me started on this topic. DH is a wonderful dad but seriously lacking in the helping department. I could write a book but I'm too tired from doing everything around here!