confession

lorem ipsum

With a lot of you ladies on pregnancy #2, sometimes I wish we were planning to have another baby. Not as in making the choice to TTC - more like, if birth control failed, then oh well, decision made for us!

But then I remind myself that I DON'T want another child, not at all. I think what's really behind it is that I'm secretly jealous of people with one baby at a time. I know that probably sounds awful, and I LOVE my kids and would never, ever give either of them up...it's just that I'll read comments on FB about people enjoying snuggle time or cozily BFing their baby (not pointing finger at anyone here - just talking in generalities), and I feel a twinge of sadness and jealousy that I didn't get that.

I feel like I never really got to enjoy having a baby (and yes, I know that even a singleton can be super hard). Trying to BF twins was a mothereffing nightmare, and I could never really enjoy snuggle time with one baby without feeling guilty that the other baby wasn't being held and stressing about giving them equal attention. 

I'm not fishing for compliments about parenting multiples or anything...just expressing something that I feel squicky about saying to anyone in real life. Twins can be awesome, but sometimes I wish I could get some of the one-on-one experience, you know? But we're still not having another one. No way.

liubride510

Lisa I can  understand your feelings. It can't be easy with twins. I don't in a million years know how you manage or stay sane.

lelekay

I think your feelings are totally valid.  My whole life I've set myself up expecting twins (my dad is a twin, and I have three sets of cousins who are twins).  Ill be honest, even though I knew it would be difficult to have two, I was a little disappointed when I found out I was pregnant with only one.

Now, after having gone through it with one, when I think about the prospect of twins I'm terrified.  It would be a complete blessing, I know, but I worry about everything you just mentioned....how on earth I'd BF, the guilt over snuggling one and not the other, etc.

I also understand having a twinge of jealousy about people working on expanding their families.   We definitely want one more, just not right this minute.  But that doesn't stop me from fantasizing about getting pregnant right now and imagining and newborn in the house again (even thoughI didn't particularly even love that stage).

MauiBride2008

I want another one and secretly get a jealous at everyone having #2. 

SO many of my friends right now are PG with #2 and most of them are having girls (which I want so bad).  My SIL is PG with #2 and she just found out she is having a girl (the SECOND girl in a family of 11 grandchildren that are all boys - my husband having the first girl).  So I'm totally jealous and I actually cried she gets the glory of the second girl in the family

I don't by any means want to be PG now as I have so much going on with R learning to sleep that I can't imagine having another one now, but I can't wait to get started on #2 and I thought I would never say that.  I have always been scared out of my mind to have a baby and now I'm so eager to have another

Married2MrWright

Aw, Lisa, you don't have to apologize for your confession...I can totally see how you feel.

FWIW, as one who is expecting a second (and then I'm DONE) I am already feeling guilty that I am not able to devote much time to this little guy...even in PG! I am too busy! With #1 I spent hours dreaming about her, planning her nursery, etc. But now? It's like when I feel him move I am, "oh yeah, there you are little guy!" I am excited for his arrival but also worried he won't get the same attention I was able to give to my first. I mean, I'll be BFing and home with him, but only for 8 weeks (I was home for 16 with Libby) and then my attention will surely be divided as we help Libby transition to being a big sister.

I am praying this little one takes a bottle...just so I can know that I won't have to come home every lunch hour to nurse him. Is that sad? I did that with Libby for over a year and relished those lunch hours. But I sorta dread it this time around since coming home to nurse him will involve ALL SORTS of drama for Libby, so it'll be easier on everyone if I don't. I dunno. I know that'll be different. And for that I am already feeling a bit guilty.

I guess that's our lot...as mothers...no matter what it is or isn't we have some pangs of guilt.

Now, on a lighter note...be careful what you wish for! As soon as I started thinking, "it'd be nice to be PG again" and wistfully watching PG mamas at the park with their toddlers, BAM! I got KU! I laugh now because we hadn't planned to TTC2 until about this time in the year and now? I am 25 weeks along already.

lorem ipsum

Thanks all...I felt so weird posting this, but I needed to express it somewhere!

This was interesting to me:

lelekay:

My whole life I've set myself up expecting twins (my dad is a twin, and I have three sets of cousins who are twins).  Ill be honest, even though I knew it would be difficult to have two, I was a little disappointed when I found out I was pregnant with only one.

Now, after having gone through it with one, when I think about the prospect of twins I'm terrified.

One of the most common comments I get from people on the street is, "Aww, I've always wanted twins!" Most of the time I just smile and nod, but on days when I'm really exasperated, I've been known to reply, "No, you don't. You think you do. But you don't." I know it's completely rude, but I think people (I'm speaking in general, not about you personally) have very little concept of what twins entail other than rhyming names and dressing the same. High risk pregnancies, all the stress I've already mentioned...I adore my kids and they truly are a blessing. But I would never hope for someone to have twins.

It's like that Mark Twain quote: "Sufficient unto the day is one baby. As long as you are in your right mind don't you ever pray for twins. Twins amount to a permanent riot; and there ain't any real difference between triplets and a insurrection."

 

SanHawaii08

there's a related thread today on the mom's list at work, but it was about feeling sad about not having any more children, even after you've had as many as you planned to have all along.  one woman found this statement online and had saved it b/c it had helped her - At some point the last baby is just that: the last baby. While a third would stave off that feeling of loss for a few years, bereavement for the little creatures our children once were is part and parcel of parenting. You might always feel a little sad about what could have been, just like we always miss a loved one who we have lost. This kind of sadness is not something you get over, it is something to accept and live with. Acceptance will come with time.

I thought the second half was relevant here too, and applies to so many cases.  eg: I wish I had been able to hold E in the minutes and days and weeks right after birth.  I expected he would room in with us, the three of us would get to spend time together as a family, etc etc.  Instead, there was an entire team of doctors in the room ready and waiting when he came out, he was rushed to the NICU, and we were thrust into weeks of basically living on the hospital waiting room couches, attending rounds, watching him sleep while drugged up on morphine to keep him comfortable with all the wires and tubes coming out of him, - you get the idea.  when two of my closest friends then each had less than 12 hours of labor and a med-free birth, I was thrilled for them, the experience was exactly what they wanted, but I was more than just a little bit sad and jealous.  the only thing I can really do is to focus on the now, and be thankful for the present.

i guess that's a long way of saying - i empathize completely.

lorem ipsum

SanHawaii08:

there's a related thread today on the mom's list at work, but it was about feeling sad about not having any more children, even after you've had as many as you planned to have all along.  one woman found this statement online and had saved it b/c it had helped her - At some point the last baby is just that: the last baby. While a third would stave off that feeling of loss for a few years, bereavement for the little creatures our children once were is part and parcel of parenting. You might always feel a little sad about what could have been, just like we always miss a loved one who we have lost. This kind of sadness is not something you get over, it is something to accept and live with. Acceptance will come with time.

I thought the second half was relevant here too, and applies to so many cases.  eg: I wish I had been able to hold E in the minutes and days and weeks right after birth.  I expected he would room in with us, the three of us would get to spend time together as a family, etc etc.  Instead, there was an entire team of doctors in the room ready and waiting when he came out, he was rushed to the NICU, and we were thrust into weeks of basically living on the hospital waiting room couches, attending rounds, watching him sleep while drugged up on morphine to keep him comfortable with all the wires and tubes coming out of him, - you get the idea.  when two of my closest friends then each had less than 12 hours of labor and a med-free birth, I was thrilled for them, the experience was exactly what they wanted, but I was more than just a little bit sad and jealous.  the only thing I can really do is to focus on the now, and be thankful for the present.

i guess that's a long way of saying - i empathize completely.

That is an excellent quote, and very true.

And about E's birth. I know what a hard time it was for you, and what a huge adjustment of your expectations it must have been. I think that adjustment was hard for me for a long time (and obviously still is in some ways)...seeing and being told how things are "supposed" to be, and then when it doesn't happen you have to find and adapt to a new set of expectations, which can be incredibly difficult emotionally.

I think it's especially hard in a high risk situation, since all the things you'd been told were bad (lots of interventions, formula, whatever) are suddenly very necessary, and you have to deal with the accompanying guilt - even if you know it's absolutely what needs to happen - from that as well.

inamra

Heh, I'm jealous of you b/c you got two babies with one pg (= m/s once)!! =P