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MrsNiner
member
I need some life advice, re: moving in with ILs
MrsNiner
member
Back in June, H lost his job and didn't get a new one until mid August. Things were rough and money was definitely tight. He took a pay cut with this new job which stinks. We aren't able to save money right now. We have been discussing me going back to school for a long time, because the degree I have now is basically worthless. If I do get a job in the field, I will make MAYBE 25k a year. And that's a big maybe. I was accepted into a program starting in January that lasts a year and when I graduate, I will be making a significant amount more than H. But we need money NOW.
I brought up the idea of moving out of the house we rent right now, and moving in with either my parents or his parents until I finish school and we can buy a house. We wanted to buy the one we are renting, but we decided we really don't like this house as much as we used to. We would rather buy new. We would be able to save almost $1000 a month if we move out. H's parent's house is a better fit for us, because we would have a lot more privacy than my parent's house (space wise, not saying my parents would be all up in our business). We discussed it a bit with his parents last night, telling them how we would ideally like the situation to play out and what they would expect from us as well.
I feel like I'm rambling and this post is all over the place. I guess I'm just looking for opinions. I have a great relationship with the ILs, even though they are whackadoodles when it comes to their grandson. The only thing holding me back right now is I am worried they will overstep some boundaries with DS. Would you move in with your ILs for a short period of time, if it meant your family was better off in the long run? Anyone have a better idea that doesn't involving selling my body or slinging crack on the side?
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Re: I need some life advice, re: moving in with ILs
ETA: I currently have no student loan debt.
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We may have to do something similar to get LO into a decent school district, since the chances of us selling our house are slim to none (our neighborhood homes values suck and we are upside down by 100K as a result). We'll try and rent our house if we can't sell it. I have no doubt it (moving in with them) will suck and we will be driven insane (all parties- the IL's too), but I will do what I gotta do for the betterment of my family and my kid.
I think if you do it you have to establish some ground rules and stick to them. That may mean paying them something, even if it's nominal, so they don't feel like they get to have all sorts of free reign with their grandkid since they are providing the roof over his head. Or you guys do work around the house in exchange for getting to live there.
It's really harsh as adults to live with your parents. My ILs are generally pretty awesome (FIL is a d*ck though). It's hard not to have privacy, to feel beholden, not be able to run the house the way you want to. And they *** about baby stuff everywhere. :P
If you need to do it, do it. But definitely, think carefully first. And spell out all expectations.
I would move in with my ILs if I had to. But I think I would go in with the expectation that there was going to be some change in the relationship. Almost like a little loss in independence.
For example, we are currently using our ILs car because we can't afford a second car right now. But I think DH and I always feel like we get the sideeye from our ILs now when we spend money on other stuff. Like since we can't afford another car, we shouldn't spend money on other stuff. So you might get some of that.
But with that said, I would set boundaries when it comes to DS. Because without them, its a recipe for disaster.
I lived with IL's for almost 10 years. 5 of which were spent waiting for their new house to be completed (FIL is anal) so we could buy theirs. There were things that annoyed me, but ultimately, it was their house. There were a lot of little annoyances, like when MIL would 'help' with our laundry or would eat something I had bought for a recipe. Let's not even discuss FIL. He's very opinionated. Luckily, I am a laid back person who lets stuff just roll off me. They also gave us our privacy, big time.
It really depends on your relationship. I would make a list of pros & cons, then talk everything out with them and voice your concerns and ask for theirs. See how it goes and then take some time to consider it.
Life with Blog
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I would do this, but I guess what is really bugging us right now is... we hate the house we are renting and we are sick of putting money into it. We have so many issues right now.
Hey, how about we just move in with you? I will drink wine with you every night and scratch your back.
http://pandce.****/index.cgi#general
You rent... why are you putting money into it?
http://pandce.****/index.cgi#general
Sounds good to me. My H works so much that I am home alone all the time. Bonus: We have 2 extra bedrooms! Start packing.
do you have a really nice webcam?
Seriously, if you have to move in with them so be it...but I'd strongly suggest against it.
Have you considered making internet porn? You two are good enough looking to get many subscriptions...also with the amount of kinky sh!t you're into, you are definitely a hot comodity. (no judging here, if I had the body I would do it)
Not living with ILs but we are currently living with my parents until our house sells. My parents are pretty laid back and are a huge help with Liam. The biggest thing I've learned is to be open about EVERYTHING. Any frustrations that don't get brought up, will create bigger issues. DH and I have always had an open relationship with my parents, so whenever something comes up, we just talk about it and get it out in the open. I would say though, if you generally have issues without living together, that being in the same space all.the.time may not be your best option. DH is also a laid back person and appreciates what my parents are doing for us, so he doesn't have a hard time living here. I'm not as laid back, therefore, could not live with my ILs.
I know how stressful this must be, I hope you figure something out.
It seems to me (as a total outsider in this situation) that you are so unhappy with your current situation that you are looking around for as many quick changes that you can make as possible hoping that if you just make this change or that change you will be happier. (Seriously not judging here, I do this myself) I feel that you need to think, and really think, about how you will feel at your in-laws, and how your H will feel losing the independence that you currently have. You hate where you are right now, I get it, but you at least have your own space to be a family.
As rimjob said bar tending or waitressing can bring in a bit of extra cash to help you save and be able to go back to school (if that's what you really want to do) with minimal debt. I would also look at what contacts you have, I worked in a field that had nothing to do with my degrees and made good money because I had an in with people I knew.
Good luck and I hope that whatever choice you make it works out well for you.
Could you work part time and go to school part time? Would you qualify for any financial aid? Have you cut any and all unnecessary spending (cable, eating out, fancy cell/data plan, Target runs? If you go to the Money Matters board on TN, they may be able to help you trim some fat from your budget.
I personally would only move in with my ILs in an extreme situation, but I don't know your ILs and your relationship with them. However, in my experience, living with family/friends never ever ever works well.
Paying rent is pretty much putting money into it.
RP, I am in a very similar situation. Me and DH rent a condo that we used to love, but it is really not baby friendly, so we are dying to buy a house. FIL has asked us to come stay with him while we save for a house and we have accepted. I am really looking forward to it, however, FIL has a GIGANTIC house, 5 bedrooms and four bathrooms and he lives there alone so we will have a lot of privacy, he is never home, he is a surgeon and works really long hours so it will basically be our own house. If my MIL was there (she had a brain aneurism and is living in a neuro rehab facility) I would be having a lot of different feelings, it is tough for two women to share a house. In my case I will be the "woman of the house" so there wont be that weird tension. Good luck I know this is so stressful. I actually tried to get a part time job just waitressing at night and it didn't go well at all. I hope you and your family can figure out the best solution possible!
This is so rambling, I am on my phone in the waiting room of my OB, about to get a blood test, cause I think I might be PREGNANT. Also, adding to the stress of our living situation.
I'm in a similar situation myself. DH is getting opening up a new store, and we really just don't have the money to up and move to another town (pay for a store manager sucks). I've got student loans on a teaching degree in an area where teachers are being laid off left and right, and no actual teaching experience (aside from what was required for school) leaves me with little hope of finding a job anytime soon in that field. DH wants me to stay home with Brook until she's older anyways.
In any case, we finally bit the bullet and decided that our most logical option would be to stay with his parents and cut the drive in half saving on gas money. This by far is not my favorite idea, but for us, there's not really a better option available.
The one thing we have done that I would suggest, is to set a deadline on when you are going to be out. I told him that no matter what I want us to have our own place by January. If for whatever reason we still can't afford it on what we've saved and on his paycheck, I'll be getting a job, no ifs, ands or buts.
I'm serious you know... all you need is a good camera and good lighting. Oh and a tripod so you or DH doesn't have to hold the camera. hmm maybe video editing software so you can combine different angles, because close up shots are awesome. but that can wait until you build a fan base.
I would never, ever move in with parents or ILs unless it was choosing between being homeless or moving in with them. That's just me though.
I guess I just dont understand why you cant find a job in your field. When I graduated college, I immediately took a waitressing gig nights so I could job hunt/interview during the day but make some money to support myself in the interim. It took 8 monhts to find a "real" job, but eventually an entry level position came up in my field and I was able to find work. I stayed in that crappy entry level position for a year, and was able to move onto something that paid better.
You also dont have to work in the field you got your degree in. I was a criminal justice major, started a career in HR, and ended up making pretty good money before I stopped working FT to have kids.
If this were me in this hypothetical situation, I'd take the $25k job, wait until DH got a better paying job, then consider grad school/saving for a house.
Hopefully you had an agreement put in writing about that so you can get some of that money back. Otherwise you just gave your landlord one hell of a present. He got free improvements to his property and a soon-to-be vacant house that he can now jack up the rental price because of said free improvements.
Don't put money into a house you don't own without some type of legally binding agreement, just in case things go sour. Obviously it's probably too late on your end, but maybe some lurker will benefit.
Personally, I'd rather get a second job before I move in with other people. Sell plasma, tutor high school kids, babysit in the evenings or on weekends, your H can get a part time job, do some work from home gigs (envelope stuffing is a popular one).
Oh, and strip your budget. Cancel the cable and internet. Get rid of the landline if you both have cell phones. Downgrade your cell plan. Buy store brands. Eat at home only; no take out, no stopping for coffee.
There's stuff you can do to save money. It's all in whether you want to buckle down and do it.
http://pandce.****/index.cgi#general
I know this isn't the way it is for everyone, but here's what happened for us. We moved in with H's mom for about 6 months to save money and it was easily the worst experience of my life and I would never do it again. Some people are just fine until you live under "their" roof. Then they turn into serious crazies. We were meant to live there longer, but just couldn't take it anymore and bought our first house just because, at the time, it was available. Many bad decisions came out of all of that. I could go on and on, but will just leave it at that.
It sounds to me like she's making improvements to the house in addition to/in lieu of paying rent.
Rent = paying for shelter
Putting money into it = maintenance, new flooring, painting walls, taking down wallpaper, etc. Anything that you can't take with you when you leave.
http://pandce.****/index.cgi#general
I don't know Pickle's field, but I have a psych degree and work experience in social services and there is NOTHING. Even entry level stuff (and we're talking minimum wage with the only requirement being a HS diploma) is hugely oversaturated. Add to that the slashes in SS funding (in my state, at least) and the influx of people who've been laid off with even higher degrees applying for the same jobs, and you've got a pretty crappy situation. I apply for at least 10-12 jobs a week and despite a great resume and polite followups, I have yet to even get an interview.
There just aren't a ton of jobs out there. Even if you get a degree in a new field it isn't going to guarantee you a job. I wouldn't go back to school with the hopes that in a year the economy is going to be so dramatically different that you will get a great paying job. Believing that a new degree is the answer to your job problems is a bit idealistic.
I would never move in with my ILs or my parents for that matter. I'm too controlling, I like my space and like things a certain way. I couldn't give that up for a year. Maybe a few weeks, but certainly not a year.
Good luck with your decision.
Go for something outside the world of psych then.
Most business positions don't require a business major-I work in HR with a criminal justice degree. If there's no opportunities in your specific major, look for work elsewhere. There's tons of jobs you can get that require a college degree, but don't require a specific major. I actually know more people who work outside of the field they got their degree in than I do people who work in their field.
It depends on your area. I live in an area with a ton of people with degrees, even advanced degrees, and there are few jobs to be had. People here are severely underemployed. I'm pretty sure that out of all of my college educated friends, only one works in a job requiring a degree (nursing). The rest work retail, waitress, or bartend. We are talking about men and women in their late 20's and early 30's. When a 20 hour/week, minimum wage, no benefits admin position opens here, all applicants are college educated and many have advanced degrees. It's not as easy now as it used to be to "just get a job" without experience AND a degree.
Finding a job in your "field" is really not so easy. I don't know about Pickle's situation, but my degree is in Literature. When I started college in 2001, the newspaper and publishing industries were booming, now, not so much. So it can be really hard.
As far as everything else, here's my 2 cents (warning: I'm on a big Dave Ramsey kick right now). I wouldn't go back to school and go into any kind of debt until you are in a good spot financially to do so. I would move in with your ILs and sacrifice some sanity to save money. As long as you don't go bat sh!t like that hurricanepayne (I think that was her name), the positives seem to outweigh the negatives. If you can put away 1k a month, you can quickly save for a down payment on a house, school, and an emergency fund. I would rather sacrifice privacy in the short run for security in the long run.
We did this same thing several years ago before we bought our house. We planned to stay for a year. We made it 4 months. :-P
I love my IL's, but I won't lie, it was hard. Hard for us and hard for them.
Good luck.
I guess it depends on your friends. I live in a state with one of the highest unemployment rates in the country, my friends are in the same age category, and all of my friends that I keep in touch with from college have a job outside of retail/waitressing/bartending which anyone with a HS diploma can have. They dont necessarily work in the field that they got their specific degree in, but they were able to break into a field and work their way up.
While of course there's more competition for jobs now opposed to when the economy was better, I dont necessarily agree that it's impossible to get an entry level job.
I guess it depends on your friends. I live in a state with one of the highest unemployment rates in the country, my friends are in the same age category, and all of my friends that I keep in touch with from college have a job outside of retail/waitressing/bartending which anyone with a HS diploma can have. They dont necessarily work in the field that they got their specific degree in, but they were able to break into a field and work their way up.
While of course there's more competition for jobs now opposed to when the economy was better, I dont necessarily agree that it's impossible to get an entry level job. You may have to be flexible, like starting in a $10-12/hour admin job, but it's possible.
DH & I moved in with IL's and lived with them for 8 months. That was about 6 years ago. We had sold our house and were not sure what we were going to do next. It finally got to the point for me that either we were going to get a place or I was going to get a place. We were looking at building on the lot next door to them - The good Lord looked out for me and the lot would not perk so we could not get building permits. We ended up buying a house about 20 minutes to their house and 20 minutes to my parents house.
My IL's live like Depression era people - the house was too hot in the summer and too cold in the winter. My MIL was always moving around things for no real reason that we had stored in the house but it was her house so I could not say anything.
Usually at least once a week we would take DS who was 8 at the time to the grocery store - usually it was to go find a decent meal because of the weird supper they cooked. We would sit in the car eating gas station junk food so they would not see us and comment on it. Seriously -one night she made stove top stuffing and put cut up hot dogs in it. They would never eat the last cookie, peice of pizza or anything. They had this filet knife and would cut the cookie in half or whatever item it was. Then she would save every little leftover item - two rounds of squash, 3 shrimp, etc and pull them out at every meal until someone finally ate them. DS & I started disposing of things when they were not home and would say we had them for a snack.
It is also tough on you to be the parent to your child. MIL was always trying to tell DS what to eat and I am not that kind of parent. We tried having a friend over for DS once and FIL was such a grouch that we did playdates elsewhere.
This will probably sound stupid but the worst part to me was when Christms came and it were her decorations that were going up and not mine. I LOVE to decorate for Christmas and that really depressed me.
On the good side - they had a huge yard and DS had fun playing around there. We had four-wheelers that we could ride around on and it was fun when the cousins came to visit.
Me Personally, NO, but I do not have a great relationship with the ILs, and they are chain smokers, so the environment wouldn't be acceptable to me, or children for that matter.
I would however live back home at my parents house, no questions asked. So if we were in the position you were in, and had to move back home, and had family that was supportive of this then we would do so to save money.
I had a crappy degree too. By taking a $10/hr job in the field and working hard I was promoted within a year, and had my masters paid for with more than double the salary, and more vacation. I had to start somewhere though.
My sister has a psych degree and worked her azz off in retail for 3 years. She's now a manager and makes more money than she knows how to spend. Entry level jobs pay off eventually.
ETA: That was a major digression and sounded biitchy, although it wasn't my intention for it to.
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REALLY think about this. When my mother moved in with me she thought she was ALSO the girls parents (this was before I met my DH). I also got told a lot that "I didn't raise you this way" and when she talked to me about the girls behavior I would talk to the girls then have them go talk to my mom who turned around and said "oh its okay it didn't really matter" so she made me out like the evil mother.
We even had an agreement set up and my mother broke every single one of them.
In the end she did help with the bills and I was able to save money and had my mother there for times when the girls needed supervision if there was an emergency.
There will be good and bad about this arrangement you just have to remember they have opinions and will tell you. You either have to bite your tongue or be upfront and tell them how you feel.
What ever you choose good luck.
The last couple of years, I've forgotten what this word meant.