when you dont hear from them on deployment.... — The Bump
Military Families

when you dont hear from them on deployment....

how do you keep your cool and not worry.

argh. I know its not even that bad, but dh and I talk without fail, every 3 days on skype.  When I almost messed up the date and missed it on tuesday, he was on FB looking for me (the phones are in another building, so if Im not sitting on skype he'll message me on FB and I get it on my phone).  We were supposed to talk last night and I waited all night and he never showed up.  Then I figured maybe he got our days mixed up, so I waited again tonight. Nothing.

I know it's not that long and I'm sure he's fine, but how do you get that stupid voice to shut up!  I can think of a million reasons why he's not online that makes complete logical sense but there is still that one thought.  I cant stand it!

and for what its worth...I have so much respect for the wives back in the day. My dad was in vietnam and went months without hearing from her husband, I have no idea how I would survive!! We are so blessed by this technology...and spoiled!!

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Re: when you dont hear from them on deployment....

  • I am lucky to get an IM every week from my DH. (I haven't posted on here or ML in a long time, but things have been better between us.)  We have only been able to video chat 3 times since he left. It sucks. They replaced their internet provider last month so that it would be better for skyping, but my DH's building is the only one they haven't hooked up to it yet. They ran out of cable for them!! So he can only randomly connect to the internet now when someone else's signal is strong enough to steal. Not cool! The most I've gone without hearing from him was probably 3 weeks, but for the most part it's every couple days I get an IM now. I usually just assume he's on an overnight or playing xbox when I don't hear from him.
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  • It is so normal to worry.  I'm sorry you are a little freaked :(.

    My husband is on a carrier so we don't have Skype or IM so I can't relate in that regard, but I know I have gotten worried in the past when we have gone more than 3 or 4 days without an email.

    Remember that chances are he is just busy or the technology is down.  That if something were to have happened you would be notified ASAP.  There is a logical reason for this kind of thing 99.9% of the time and it has nothing to do with your husband being hurt.

    You can take or leave the following advice.  My husband is an aviator and I have some peers that want emails before and after flights.  Emails saying they are "safe on deck" and all that jazz.  I'm the opposite.  If we had a set up where I was waiting for an email every time he was flying I wouldn't sleep because I would be up waiting for that email.  Instead, I have zero clue when he is flying and I have zero clue when he lands or takes off.  If I don't get an email, I assume he is busy, tired, or the email is down.  He emails when he can (same as me).

    Sometimes it is better to not have these "set times" for calling/chatting/emailing because you end up worrying when they don't show.  The military (and the technology we use to communicate) is so hit or miss.  It isn't reliable.  And if you are hinging your sanity on these ever 3 day conversations you might drive yourself insane.

    I hope you hear from him soon!

    Married 6/28/03

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  • Honestly, I don't evny you at all. We're submarines and can go weeks and months without email, and only get a call if they pull into port. I'd prefer that over expecting to hear from him any day. I love him, but when we know we should be getting emails the days drag by and its like your day went - you sit by the computer waiting... And waiting... And waiting. I miss him more than words can express, but its also kind of nice to be able to go about my day to day activities not waiting and hoping.
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  • I remember during DHs first deployment we were on the phone I was on the phone with him and there was a loud noise then just a quick 'love you'. I didnt hear from him for 3 weeks! We were only engaged and his mom hates me so I was freaking out thinking something happend to him and she just didnt tell me. (honestly it wouldnt surprise me). It is hard, but just remember that you are just going to drive yourself crazy worrying the whole time. Easier said then done I know. Keep your head up and im sure you will hear from him soon.
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  • I agree with a couple of the PPs I'm glad we don't have set times to talk. Plus, my DH has never had the opportunity to skype or IM during deployments, emails are scarce at best, so we rely on the old-fashioned snail mail approach, and the occasional phone call.

    Of course it gets worrisome no matter what when you don't hear from them. But, you have to just keep faith that he's alright and there's a good legitimate reason that he can't get in contact with you. In the meantime, try to keep busy busy busy!

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  • It is completely normal to worry. When my DH is deployed I get very used to the frequency we have been able to talk (near daily). Usually if we miss a normal time I figure he is switching out work times or had to go into work. If I don't hear from him from the 2nd "missed" day or more I assume there is a blackout or maybe the weather there has caused the phones/internet to go down (it does happen). I try not to worry too much because if no one has come to my door then I figure he is fine. Sucks but that is what I have to tell myself. I hate that it could mean that someone else is getting a knock on their door. I don't get too riled up if I don't hear from him for a few days. If it has been a week or more, that is a bit more unusual and then I start getting worried...but I go back to the "no one has come to more door so he must be fine" kind of thinking. I know I've been lucky with past deployments and how much we've been able to talk. I know not everyone is that lucky.
  • image MaxandRuby:
    It is completely normal to worry. When my DH is deployed I get very used to the frequency we have been able to talk (near daily). Usually if we miss a normal time I figure he is switching out work times or had to go into work. If I don't hear from him from the 2nd "missed" day or more I assume there is a blackout or maybe the weather there has caused the phones/internet to go down (it does happen). I try not to worry too much because if no one has come to my door then I figure he is fine. Sucks but that is what I have to tell myself. I hate that it could mean that someone else is getting a knock on their door. I don't get too riled up if I don't hear from him for a few days. If it has been a week or more, that is a bit more unusual and then I start getting worried...but I go back to the "no one has come to more door so he must be fine" kind of thinking. I know I've been lucky with past deployments and how much we've been able to talk. I know not everyone is that lucky.
    This is my mind-set as well. If there was a problem, the military will let me know. It sucks, but like many service member do, it's part of the emotional barrier that I build to protect myself. But worrying is completely normal.

    My guess is that this is an especially sensitive subject for you given your recent post about your older son. You are much more aware of all that is going on because you are mindful of him. When my DH was deployed, my LO was an infant. I was able get in my groove and not have to explain (repeatedly) why Daddy isn't home and when you'll get to see him. That makes all of this that much more challenging.

    There is a Sesame Street episode for military kids. Have you and your son seen it? I'm not sure how to find a copy, but that might be something worth looking into.

    I hope you hear from your DH soon.
    ~*~*~*~ Smudges*Mom is Marni~*~*~*~

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  • Yep, totally normal to stress. BUT---point of advice...if you don't hear from him don't start scanning the internet and the news channels for "any little thing". It will only make you nuts and won't help the pregnancy or any other kids you have.  If it goes too long, contact your FRG chain.  They "should" have a tree organized for information.  The FWD dep element will funnel information back as often as we can only if safe to do so.
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  • When I dont hear from him in afew days and I start to panic, I (and dont laugh, its my way of handling anxiety) grab my yarn & crochet. I find that the repetitive motions soothe the panic & it usually relaxes me enough to be able to atleast attempt to sleep (given that my belly is getting bigger its harder to get comfy to sleep) Also, I avoid the internet as much as I can if I feel tense about not hearing from him (Ive got the yahoo & fb chat apps on my phone so if hubby were to get on, it goes straight to my phone) and put on a movie that makes me laugh...

  • i really wouldn't worry too much. my husband and i were both stationed on carriers. i'm lucky in that way. i know what it's like to be on the other end of the deployment. honestly, the best thing to do is distract yourself. they have what the navy calls river city. for any reason they can cut all communications. sometimes that means they are moving, or having drills on base. sometimes it's because of a minor injury, other times it's simply because the intelligence people cant get the internet up or they need to make some upgrades. it can be pretty terrible. i used to write real letters on those days and mail them. it's great that you can skype. i was very jealous of those who could when we were both in or deployed. it's a wonderful tool. remember after you have a baby, those stories that daddy can record his voice are wonderful!
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