#1 having to grow up too fast?

roundtheworldgirl

My baby - the older one - is 2 years old today.  Her sister will turn 1 in a couple of weeks.

I have been struggling with the older one a lot lately.  She is smack dab in the middle of the terrible twos.  Everything is "no," and there is lots of screaming, and hitting her sister, etc. 

My family has recently told me that they think I am harder on her than on her little sister and that I favor the baby.  This absolutely killed me - maybe because, somehow, I wonder whether it's true.  I love both of my daughters like crazy and in no way do I love one more than the other.  But I get frustrated with DD1 a lot.  Everything is so difficult.  Getting out of the house - I have to dress them both, and if I do DD1 first, she takes off her hat and coat and shoes (it's cold here) while I'm dressing DD2.  I get frustrated. 

Or we're at the playground and DD1 wants in and out of the swing - five times in a row.  I can't spend all that time with her because DD2 isn't walking yet and I either have to leave DD2 in the stroller (which she hates), or I have to be with her at all times while she's crawling up the stairs to the slide, etc. So I deal with DD1 on the swings for a bit while DD2 is stuck in the stroller, and then I have to tell her that I can't be taking her in and out of them because it's DD2's turn to have some fun.  And I get frustrated.

I am wondering whether I expect too much of DD1 simply because I need her to be more independent (which she naturally is not) simply because the baby needs more attention.

And that is the other thing - DD1 just needs a LOT of attention.  All the time.  She is incapable of playing alone.  She wants to be on me constantly.  And I can never get anything done when they are awake.  So I get frustrated. 

I feel like I am always angry at my daughter and my family's "come to Jesus" talk left me in tears.  I am crying as I type this.

Does anyone have any insight to offer?  I feel like I really need help.

kcisthebombdotcom

In terms of behavior, we have had a whole lot of luck with positive discipine. Generally behaviors we want to continue, we offer lots of praise for, and ignore negative behavior. My oldest likes my attention (like all kids) so I've taught him simple things to help around the house-he helps me empty the dishwasher, throws away trash, puts dirty laundry in the laundry chute, etc. It makes him feel good, and it helps me get stuff done.  When we went through a hitting phase, I would remove myself and the baby from the situation, bring the baby to a place my oldest couldnt get to, ignore my oldest and shower my baby with attention. The hitting phase was unbelievably short lived here. Getting good behavior out of your child is finding what works for them and sticking with it.

When you go to the playground, wear your baby in a carrier so you have your hands free for DD. Id never attempt to bring the stroller for a playground trip.

In terms of making her more independent, you just have to promote independent play. Start small and work your way up. When she successfully plays independently well, offer a lot of praise and tell her how good that was. I think this will get a lot easier as your 2 can play together well.

I think regardless if you have 1, 2, or 12 kids, whether they're 1 year apart or 10 years apart, you naturally get frustrated with your child when they're going through a phase like that. It's normal to be frustrated. I think your family's assessment is pretty unfair.

Hang in there and GL

CaitlinJ22

I agree with KC. Positive praise and giving the older LO things to do helps. 2 was a rough time for me, DS started with NO all the time, and talking back. He got rougher with DD and it was just bad. I wanted to pull my hair out. It will get better. For your own sake, try to let some things slide that arent horrible and choose your battles. I have to remind myself thing many times a day. 

I dont think it sounds like you are favoring one over the other, I think it's just a hard time right now.  

I think your family needs to stay out of it unless you specifically ask for help in this area. Its unfair that they made you feel this way. You know your kids best, and YOU know how you treat them. You are the mom and be confident that your doing the best you can. We are all growing each day in our roles, and will continue to do so. You are obviously a wonderful mom who is trying to learn how to address certain issues with grace. take a deep breath and put your shoulders back, and tell yourself you are the parent...you are doing a great job. (and stop talking to them about it

This time will pass and you'll look back with lots of relief that you got through it.

middlemarch26

It's hard.  My oldest "2u2" is now three and it is still hard for us many days.   I don't know what your situation is like, but if there is any way to send your older child out for one morning or afternoon a week, you might consider it.  (Mother's Day Out, stay with a grandparent, or even try to do a co-op swap with a friend.)  Being without you might help your older DD gain some independence, and it will give you a chance to pay attention to your younger DD.  

In the early days, our older child spent several overnights on the weekend with the grandparents by himself.  It gave him a chance to get some special attention.   You might tell your family that you know it is hard on your oldest, but obviously with 2u2 it is hard on you to do everything, and that if they can help you out by keeping one kid or the other sometimes, it would be tremendous.

I always felt like my younger child got overlooked because the older one was so attention-consuming.  But don't worry too much.  Having to fend for herself a little made my younger DD so laid-back and independent that now, at almost two, she's such an easy kid!

JoannaJes

I don't have any "advice" per se, except to say that what you are feeling sounds pretty normal, or at least I hope it is. I have the lot of the same feelings at times, and I think it is because at times, I expect more out of DS than what is age-appropriate.

It's interesting that the moms that I have met IRL that have an older set of 2U2, always comment that when their younger one reached the age that their oldest was at the time of #2's birth, they couldn't believe how babylike they were! I hope this makes sense. For instance, mine are 20 months apart. So I think when DD is 20 months old, it will be a shock that when DS was that age, he was already a big brother. And the point of this was...ha ha, that it's all about perspective. I think sometimes oldest children have higher expectations and sometimes babies have lower ones. I don't think the age difference matters.

The fact that you are aware of your actions is the biggest hurdle. Don't be too hard on yourself, you have lots of parenting ground left to cover. : )

roundtheworldgirl

JoannaJes:

It's interesting that the moms that I have met IRL that have an older set of 2U2, always comment that when their younger one reached the age that their oldest was at the time of #2's birth, they couldn't believe how babylike they were! I hope this makes sense.

Yes, I feel like this all the time.  In just a month, DD2 will be the same age DD1 was when DD2 was born.  And I can't believe it - I think DD1 was so much more grown-up then.  But it must be all about perspective. (Also, DD2 is still basically bald, and she'll be 1 in about two weeks - so that makes her seem more like a baby to me).

kcisthebombdotcom

roundtheworldgirl:

JoannaJes:

It's interesting that the moms that I have met IRL that have an older set of 2U2, always comment that when their younger one reached the age that their oldest was at the time of #2's birth, they couldn't believe how babylike they were! I hope this makes sense.

Yes, I feel like this all the time.  In just a month, DD2 will be the same age DD1 was when DD2 was born.  And I can't believe it - I think DD1 was so much more grown-up then.  But it must be all about perspective. (Also, DD2 is still basically bald, and she'll be 1 in about two weeks - so that makes her seem more like a baby to me).

I feel like my 2nd is SO much younger, but it's because she's different than my older child.

My firstborn was 34in at 1--closer in size to a 2 year old than 1 year old. He was crawling at 5 months, took his first steps at 9 months. He just grew up so quickly to me. My DD is so petite-she weighs about 16lbs, and still fits into 0-3/3-6 clothes. She's nowhere near walking, heck she still hasnt mastered crawling quickly yet. My 2nd is a much more mellow, snuggly baby whereas my first was always on the go, never wanted to hang out and snuggle.