Depressed about 4th Pregnancy

JENVALENTINE1981

I know this is going to sound absolutely awful, but I am feeling very depressed about my fourth pregnancy.  Some background would probably help:  I have an 11, 7 and 1.5 year old already and always thought we would be done having children after my last one (a daughter) arrived in 2010.  Then I unexpectedly became pregnant this past April but miscarried 5/4/2010.  We were shocked and scared to find out about the fourth pregnancy but after a week of knowing we sort of got used to the idea and then the next week I lost the baby.  I cried and cried the first few days and found myself greiving over something I didn't realize I may have wanted, another baby.  I began to feel depressed and as though someone was missing from our family now.  My hubby said that we could try for one more and I thought that would be the only way to make me feel better is to have another one so I didn't feel the emptiness anymore.  I was nervous, but excited to TTC so once I had one normal menstrual cycle we decided to just wait and see what happened.  The second week in June I just knew that I conceived already and felt crampy and started testing...sure enough there were two lines.  I was very excited initially and just felt like it was all falling into place for a reason, as I have never gotten pregnant the first month of trying.  But as the nausea started to hit full force and my fatigue pretty much left me non-functioning the reality hit me head-on that life was about to get much more chaotic.  I have been so sick the last four weeks that I have hardly been able to take care of my toddler and the older boys have had to fend for themselves while my hubby is working all day.  I am only nine weeks along and already feel like I am regretting getting pregnant, I am so overwhelmed and the thought of one more is absolutely terrifying me.  I am a SAHM so all of the daily chores, duties fall on me and I feel like I am already being torn in a million directions.  How could I have possibly thought that having another one would be manageable for me?  My hubby works long hours so I feel like most of the child-rearing falls on me and I am so scared.  I am fearful that I made the choice to have one more baby for all of the wrong reasons, to fix my own emotional pain and confusion, how could I be so selfish and make such an important decision so quickly after the tragedy I experienced.  I feel like what I am feeling is just to terrible to share with anyone I know, I believe babies are a gift from God so how could I question why this baby has come to me?? I feel so alone.

bingham101

I sorry for your situation. I have a couple pieces of advice. First you can do it. People have been having multiple children for years. Second, I think you need to talk out your issues with some one. It sounds like you may have a history of depression. Depression can be helped by talk therapy and if needed meds. I think talk therapy would be a good start for you since you dont feel like you have anyone you can talk to. Find a social worker or counseler in your area. Or start with your DR. Good luck remember think positive!

Jessimurph

These sound like normal fears and concerns...but they also sounds like you may be depressed. I would definitely talk to your ob asap. Maybe an antidepressant ciuld help you cope. It may not feel this way now, but even though it will be more hectic, you won't be able to imagine life without this last baby. I would also talk to your hubby about a vasectomy

speckledfrog

I think what you are feeling is totally natural, especially since you are adding fatigue, m/s, and hormones to the mix.  I've felt similarly and this is my first.  It is a big change.  But you can do it.  You've done it before and you'll do it again.  You'll hit your second trimester and things will start looking a lot better.  It's hard to think clearly when you feel like crud.

It's good to get things out in the open and will help you with your feelings of aloneness.  Can you talk to YH?  If not, can you talk with a girlfriend or someone at your church.  Sometimes hearing from someone else what you already know to be true (it will get better, things will work out) helps tremendously.  If not, keep venting to us and we'll help you feel better!

kris_kelsey

Situation and number of children aside, it can be very normal to feel depressed at that stage of pregnancy when you feel so sick and unable to function.  With DS (who was my first!) I remember crying and wishing I hadn't gotten pregnant around weeks 8 and 9.  For me I felt better when the nausea began to lift.  I hope that you regain energy, and find the clouds to be lifting.  And I agree that it is good to talk to someone (maybe your hubby) so he can help with the daily stuff as well.

tiannalee

Awwww, I am so sorry to hear that mama.  I agree with the PP in that you should definitely hit this head on and discuss your fears and the guilt you are probably feeling over them.  I am not a psychiatrist but I believe that if you dont address the issue then you could be leaving yourself open to post partum depression. 

Also, you CAN do this.  You have three babies now so your heart must be full of love for your children and you should focus on that.  Hopefully your oldest boy will be able to help out and give you some mommy alone time.  Try to be positive and smile and most definitely talk about this with someone!!  Good luck!

soveryexcited

This is my third, and I hit a brick wall week 6-11 due to severe morning sickness. For two weeks, I didn't get off the couch. I didn't go shopping, I didn't do laundry. My kids and I basically lived off of what I could manage to get them without barfing. It was awful. I felt like a failure whenever DH would come home to a totally wrecked house but I just felt so so sick. I finally went in during week 9 and they put me on zofran to combat the morning sickness. I was still sick and nauseous but not throwing up which helped a ton. Maybe see your Dr about something to help with your morning sickness so that you can at least function again.

I agree with the others though; I do think you should talk to someone. A therapist might be a good idea. Believe me, as a mom of two toddlers (3 and 2)- there are times when all I want in the world is to talk to another functioning adult. :-) It helps to talk things out, and process things that way. 

Good luck with everything; I'm sure you will figure it out and continue being the wonderful mom I'm sure you are. :-) But always always ask for help, accept help, etc.

xoladiebug

I'm the oldest of 4 children (all of us 3 years apart except the last two, which are only 16 months apart).  I have NO clue how my mom did it.  In addition to being a stay at home mom, she did daycare out of the home!  I think the important thing is to seek help from your doctor first, and then don't be afraid to ask for help at home second.  In other words, if you need a time-out, see if a friend or family member could watch your children for a few hours.  Remind your hubby that you need help when he comes home from work too.  The nice thing is school will be starting soon (if it hasn't already) so it'll be just you and your 1 1/2 year old during the days.Big hugs...you can do it! 

little__bit

Whether we're cooking baby #1 or baby #4, I bet nearly every woman has a "Oh, shiit, what did I do?" moment or three.  My husband and I very, very intentionally planned for our first child and this pregnancy, and it still hit us hard.  

If your feelings continue, it might be helpful to talk to someone.  In the meantime, know that we feel the same way, to some degree.  I hope that's a comfort. 

WaitingOnNo2

I am so sorry you are feeling this way, and after reading your story I can totally understand how confused and scared you must be feeling.  I am only baking my second child but on days where I can barely balance work, taking care of a toddler, and all the chores around the house, I have my "Oh sh*t, how am I going to do this with two" moments.  I think the exhaustion of first tri is probably also making this seem more depressing and hopeless-like you said it's hard to even function.  When you are feeling more like yourself it may seem more manageable.  I have two friends with 4 children and they say adding the second was the toughest, then the third is almost as tough as the second, then after 4 they feel like you can just keep adding them until you have a soccer team (this seems a bit much to me but you get my point).  Having a fourth will also be so nice for your toddler since he/she will have a brother/sister really close in age.  Most of all I want to send you a big hug and some positive vibes.  I hope you start feeling better soon, and please feel free to vent to us since I am sure most of us are having our own fear and anxiety about adding a child and can sympathize.

Jilybean17

little__bit:

Whether we're cooking baby #1 or baby #4, I bet nearly every woman has a "Oh, shiit, what did I do?" moment or three.  My husband and I very, very intentionally planned for our first child and this pregnancy, and it still hit us hard.  

If your feelings continue, it might be helpful to talk to someone.  In the meantime, know that we feel the same way, to some degree.  I hope that's a comfort. 

This is very true. I had these moments with all 3 (4-I also had a loss) pregnancies. Things will work out and I agree that you won't know what you did before you had #4

In the mean time, you should give yourself a few weeks to let your m/s settle down and if you're still feeling down, please go talk to someone. Also, try do give yourself one night a week where you do something for yourself. No house work, etc. I hope you start to feel better soon!