Lurker question

HotChocolate79

Hi Ladies.  I am a regular on the 3T board but more and more lately, I lurk here because in my heart I don't believe the IF treatments are going to end well for us. 

If you adopted after experiencing IF, were you and YH on the same page about moving on to adoption?  If you weren't, what did you do and how long did it take to get on the same page?

MH is my best friend and we are in this mess together.  We've always known adoption is an option but at this time we are not agreeing on when to move on to that step.  He isn't against it but he is not ready to close the door on bio children.  I, on the other hand, am at the end of my rope with doctors, bloodwork, procedures and the physical and emotional pain that accompanies them.  I realize that for me this rope ended up being a lot shorter than for many others but I just want to be a mom.  Right now all I have "guarantees" for is being poked and prodded.  There are no real answers as to why we are not getting pregnant, just statistics that alwys seem to be stacked against us.  We are covered by insurance so money is not so much of an issue but I am emotionally spent and feel like I need to move on.  MH is just not there yet....  

 

ByHisGrace7

Hi and welcome to the board!

We didn't go through any IVF treatments or even the IUI but we did a consultation for the IUI before deciding it wasn't for us. Like you, there is no reason I shouldn't get pregnant again (I had a m/c a couple of years ago) but my body just won't get pregnant again. I was ready to fully explore adoption (we always knew we wanted to adopt) but my husband was not on board even though we both agreed IUD and IVF weren't meant for us. It took him about 6 months to get on board and I had to back off from pressuring him. I continued researching adoption and emailing consultants and agencies for information but I backed off from talking to him about it because I realized that would do no good. One day we were in the car and he told me, "I just want to be a parent." He then went on to say he was ready for adoption. It was amazing hearing him say that!

 We are hoping to adopt soon after some failed matches and he is so excited. He talks all the time about our next adoption even though this first one hasn't happened yet. BUT, he still talks about biological children.

firefightersgal

We haven't adopted yet, but we hope to soon if the situation presents itself.  We have been trying (biologically and through adoption) to have another child for almost three years.  Before we officially started TTC again, my DH mentioned adoption.  That surprised me, because we had never discussed it before and I don't think that he had much exposure to adoption prior.

After fertility treatments, a traumatic miscarriage, and my diagnosis of Celiac Disease we began to seriously consider and eventually pursue adoption.  We went through the foster/adopt training and decided in the end that form of adoption wasn't for us.  We cannot afford to adopt through an agency, so we are left with private/independent adoption.  We have a couple of potential situations right now, but we know very little detail on them, so we are trying not to get our hopes up too much.  We have had a few other potential situations before this and (obviously) none of them panned out, so we are a bit guarded.

There is the potential that I could still get pregnant, but I am not depending on it and I do not feel that adoption would be settling.  At this point, we just want another baby and it doesn't matter how s/he comes to us!

Good luck! 

Nature Lover

We walked a simiar path. I was ready to pursue adoption right away - as soon as the RE said it wasn't a coincidence we had been TTC for 2 years and weren't pregnant and we were officially diagnosed with IF - which later after multiple testing became Unexplained IF.  Until I had that diagnosis I had been thinking about it, but in denial.  DH had not even really beent hinking about it.  So at the point that I got the IF Dx, I was done and ready to adopt and he was jsut starting to think about the next step.

It took him some time to come around.  We finally decided we would do x # of IF treatments (for him. I personally had no interest but needed a definite plan so coming up with a number made it easier to think forward to when those treatments were over) and if that didn't work we would pursue adoption.  He always said that after adoption we could also jsut keep trying to get pregnant on our own later down the road (he is still in denial about the IF I think and expects a "miracle" after 3 years TTC). 

Our situation is crazy though because the day we were to start our first IUI cycle, a child came into our lives in a very unexpected way (we weren't pursuing adoption). We never did any fertility treatments (although I was super tired of being poked and prodded and the emotional rolller coaster from all of the testing).  DH now loves her more than anything in the world and could not possibly love her more if she were his bio child.  He doesn't regret any of it at all.  He does however still continue to live in denial and thinks that one day we will magically get pregnant.  I am fine iwth only having one child (and feel infinitely blessed to have her) and I do not plan to put myself through the IF roller coaster EVER again.  He can keep planning for a magical miracle baby if that's what he needs to do in his own mind.  I choose to live in reality and not hoping for that helps me put the IF behind me and not have it consumer my life any more.

Dr.Loretta

Hi and welcome.

I could have written this post a few years ago. DH was on the same page as far as IF treatments went, but when I started focusing more on adoption as a way to build our family, DH was at first hesitant. I got a copy of Adoption for Dummies and read it cover to cover. I was so excited about this way to build our family. DH felt like I was rushing him into a decision he wasn't ready to make.

We agreed to table the discussion for 6 months, but during that time if there was an adoption orientation meeting/seminar/webinar, I would mention it to DH and he would consider attending. During those 6 months we attended a phone seminar and a webinar, and he attended an in-person seminar himself (I had to work).

During that time, DH worked through his issues about genetic links to children, and I came to realize he was really worried about the homestudy (I think he was worried some stranger would paw through his underwear drawer). We called a couple of agencies and had them walk us through the process so he could have a better handle on what it really entailed. He felt much better after that.

One option for you as I see it is to take a break from treatments for a month or 2 to get your mind and body rested, and use that time to either learn more about adoption or give your DH time to think about it without any pressure. Just a thought.

GL

sarahtoledo

My situation is different, only because MH has always loved the idea of adoption.  The only problem for us is that TTC (if it worked) would've been faster and/or less expensive for us.  

We've set a deadline -- if no BFP in the next three cycles, we're done and pursuing adoption with all our energy and resources.  If money were no object, we probably would've adopted by now. 

You're not weird for finding IF and treatment really difficult and draining.  There are so many couples out there that seem to have no limit.  They'll do whatever it takes.  I am not like them.  I can't stand the doctors, needles, tests, waiting, and the disappointment.  I can't let it take over my life, but I can't seem to take it in stride either.  Hence our deadline.  

hth 

HotChocolate79

sarahtoledo:

My situation is different, only because MH has always loved the idea of adoption.  The only problem for us is that TTC (if it worked) would've been faster and/or less expensive for us.  

We've set a deadline -- if no BFP in the next three cycles, we're done and pursuing adoption with all our energy and resources.  If money were no object, we probably would've adopted by now. 

You're not weird for finding IF and treatment really difficult and draining.  There are so many couples out there that seem to have no limit.  They'll do whatever it takes.  I am not like them.  I can't stand the doctors, needles, tests, waiting, and the disappointment.  I can't let it take over my life, but I can't seem to take it in stride either.  Hence our deadline.  

hth 

 Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for responding.  It really helps to know I am not alone and not an awful person who doesn't deserve to be a parent because I can't deal with IF treatments.

This (bolded) is exactly how I feel.  I have fear and anxiety of doctors, needles, procedures, and the works the way some people are terrified of spiders and snakes.  It's a physical and mental reaction that I've worked really hard to overcome but but haven't truly succeeded.  There have been several testing procedures where I went and fell apart so badly emotionally, they sent me home.  MH goes to all the appointments with me and it got a smidge better but in the past several weeks I really feel like I am just *done*.  I'd love a break but I am afraid that I will  not be able to force myself on that horse again once I get off.  I guess in my ideal world, we'd adopt and keep trying, sans doctors - awesome if it happened, fine if it didn't.  But there wouldn't be this aching emptiness and feeling that what we are doing is hopeless and pointless.

Money is a part of it - ironically because insurance covers IF but not adoption, MH is worried about the financial aspect.  It will be tough without a doubt, but I know we could do it.  I do feel that setting a boundary for how much medical intervention we'll pursue would help (so that at least I could start counting down towards the end of this torture) but MH at this point cannot say he'd feel done after x number of IUI's or IVFs.  Of course all along we've talked about it being my body and my choice in the end of the day, but the fact that he is so heartbroken about it doesn't sit right with me and we are stuck in this awful limbo...