Family name drama

mlbohannon1120

I just posted this in the Baby Name board, but I would like the opinions of you ladies as well!

So my Nana, the most influential lady in my entire life, was named Lillian, and I absolutely LOVE her name. I've always wanted to name my daughter after her, but apparently, my brother and sister-in-law feel the same way. They just adopted this February, and had a gut feeling they would end up with a girl, so they announced very early that if they did get a girl, they would be using the name Lillian. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed because that's the name I've always wanted to use, but since they had struggled so much with getting a baby, I didn't say anything. Well, they got a boy, and they named him Carter.

After a brief conversation the other night, my SIL announced they may not want any more babies. So I chimed in, "well if you aren't going to adopt or have any more, then I want to use the name Lillian if I'm having a girl." (I'm almost 12 weeks along) Well she and my brother got a little upset and then suddenly decided that they may want to have another and they are claiming Lillian for THEM, regardless of whether they have another baby or not. I have very mixed feelings about this, but most of all I feel a little put off because I don't think it's fair to "reserve" family baby names, and who knows if they'll even have another baby, much less whether it will be a girl or not!? What do you ladies think?

kms34

IMO, no one owns a name or can "claim" a name.  If you have a girl first and are dead set on honoring your gma by naming her Lillian....go for it! 

That being said, we don't know your BIL/SIL so if you think it would cause unnecessary drama, maybe use Lillian as a middle name.

avalovesart

This sounds like a very touchy subject. I think it requires another conversation with your family...perhaps wait a few weeks until you know if it's a girl or boy. As you said yourself, "I don't think it's fair to "reserve" family baby names"...and yet you don't know if yours is a boy or girl either.

Hunterloren

You can use the name, too. There are two Janets in my mom's family, because my grandma and her sister both liked the name. 

Feb3

Nobody has a right to "reserve" a baby name.  However the reality of the situation is obviously a lot more complex.  I would say you have every right to use the name, but be prepared for them to resent you for it and possibly go ahead and use it themselves later.  (But Lillian is such a popular name now, would it really be a big deal to have two in the family?)  In the meantime, don't bring it up again until you find out the the gender.  It might turn out to be a non-issue.

laxnpro

Honestly, I don't think they have a right either. Granddaughters have a special bond with their grandmothers...more-so than grandsons, in some cases. My DH is close with his grandfather and when we were getting married I said if we ever had a son I would love to name him Hagan after him...DH loved the idea. Shortly after that, we learned that his brother was using the name since they just found out they were having a son. There wasn't anything we could do bc we weren't in the realm of having a child and weren't about to call "dibs."

I would talk to your brother without the SIL around and explain where you are coming from and why it is so important to you.

jmccall79

I've had a bit of the same issue with Cate, which is my maternal grandmother's maiden name and my little sister has "laid claims on it."  She and I have talked about it and she finally said I can "have" it if I want it.  What's interesting here is that my paternal grandmother's name is also Lillian and my little sister is going to name her girl, if she has one, after her but name her Lilly-Ann because she doesn't necessarily like "Lillian."  So, maybe you could use "Lilly-Ann" or even Lilly and it still be after your grandmother.  I think whoever has the girl first gets to use the name if there's an issue with more than one person wanting the name.  I too don't feel it's right for someone to lay claim on the names.  With my little sister, she's taken both of our grandmothers names and leave me nothing, irritated me a bit!  I dont' know that I'll use Cate but if I decide to I wll definitely talk to her about it again.  She and I have both had fertility issues so for either of us to have gotten the babies that we have, her's being 2 and mine on the way, is a miracle!  I hate to hurt her feelings but I don't know that either of us will get a shot at this again.

camo_bride

I think you can both use it.  I have two cousins named John, after my grandfather.  It was never a big deal.  We just called them by their first and middle names/initial. 

HEmery

Did you ever make it known that you wanted the name Lillian before they announced it?

We lost my brother in February of 2010 and after his funeral I declared his name, Nicholas, to be mine. Actually all the girl cousins decided they would use a variation of his name somehow, Nicholas Thomas. My sister was dead set on Thomas but then decided to use Nicholas as a middle name for her son. Her reasoning was that, "What if you don't ever have a boy?" Which is true. So her son's name is Adam Nicholas and if I have a boy his name will be Nicholas. 

Could y'all somehow come to agreement or use it as a middle name or use your grandma's middle name?

That's a sticky situation either way you look at it. It's family, so it's tough.

AlexJ217

Name your girl Lillian. You don't know if they will have more children - and if they will be a girl. Honor your grandmother and let them know that they can still use the name. My mom and her cousin have the same name. It never phased anyone. Even though now I am curious who is older and "got" to the name first. haha.

KatelynEA90

I don't think it's fair to 'claim' names if they aren't currently having a girl. I mean, if she was pregnant before you and claimed that name, thats a little different. Or if the knew for a fact they were adopting a little girl and naming her Lillian but while it's still unknown, I don't think its fair at all.

My sister was pregnant before me and they went team green and decided to keep the names under wraps. I fore warned her that I love the name Ryan for a boy and plan on using it if I have a boy and that if she had a son and named him Ryan, he would have a cousin named Ryan too.

kimmie321

Use it. I am always amazed why people think you can't have more than one of the same name in the family. It is a honor and not something that the person honored would want anyone to fight over.

cheese.fiend

Honestly, I don't think anyone gets to claim a baby name until they are actually pregnant with a girl (or know they are getting a girl via adoption).  In a few weeks, if and when you know the baby is a girl, I would sit down and have a calm discussion with your brother and explain how much naming your daughter after your grandmother would mean to you.  Hopefully they'll use rational thought and remember you have just as much "right" to use the family name as they do... and that you are actually faced with naming a daughter at this very moment!  

If their feathers are still ruffled, you'll just have to decide how important the name is to you, whether they'll get over it, etc.  

They could always use Lilian as a middle name or use a variation of Lilian if they have a daughter some day.  Or they could use it as a first name... I personally think it'd be odd to have cousins with the exact same name, but you'd be first!  

JessieJH

I'd also say use it since you actually have a bun in the oven. But I wouldn't revisit the topic until you know you are having the girl. Then, let them know you're using the name and would welcome them using it as well.

cathom7

I have been on the other side of this(altho definite different sitch than you).  When I was 12 and read GWTW, I decided right then and there that my 1st boy would be "Beau."  Anytime anyone asked me, I would say my fave boy name was Beau.  Beau Stuart.  Fast forward and I am 28.  I have NO BF, and who KNOWS if I will ever marry or get to have children.  But in my heart...  I always thought about my own little Beau. 

And then my sister named her FOURTH CHILD BEAU.  It BROKE MY HEART.  I mean, tore me in pieces.  The one thing I had wanted my Whole life and it's like she tore my most precious, personal dream from me.  She had four kids, and she couldn't leave my one little dream be?  Talk about selfish!  Yes.  This was seven years ago and I STILL get upset, thinking about it. 

We had ONE argument about it, in which I made her cry till she was heaving(as was I)(my mom called me to gripe that I made the poor pregnant girl cry, but I laid into her such as I never had and she has never broached the subject again) and we've never spoken of it again.  Bc she knows it still hurts. It's like a Billionaire rubbing it in the face of a homeless person.  That's what it felt like.

My DS is named after his father, but he'd have been a wonderful Beau ;0)  And I STILL want to use the name.  But I can't.  I think sometimes it's hard for people who easily have families and kids to understand the emotional pain and stuff that we strugglers go thru(not you, my sis Apparently).  This is different, tho, and it sounds like you were compassionate to them and their situation and already let the name go that YOU had picked 1st(VERY KIND OF YOU!!  Compassionate and wonderful), but they decided  not to have more---  So fair game!!!! 

This may all be conjecture and it's a boy.  LOL;0)  But if not, do what you've decided and even tho it hurts to think about the specific situation, it's not like I feel sad when I talk about or see Beau bc of my imaginary "Beau" or have some weird thing about it.  I got over it, and I adore my sweet Beau and I only get worked up when we talk about the specific happening.  It's not like I see beau and think- there's the child with MY baby name...  LOL;0)  

MyHusbandMyHero

lol true story here...

I got "faith" tattooed on my back when I was 18 before I met DH. After DH and I got married and were serious we always said, we would love to name our little girl that.

So what does MIL do? has another baby at 41 and named her what? Faith! oohhh that was fun..

Needless to say, I got over it -- so they cannot CLAIM a name, no matter what. What if they dont get a little girl and you didnt use the name you wanted to? That would suck! Its YOUR baby, name it what you want!

Also fact.. I have 3 aunts and 4 uncles. From this I have almost 20 cousins, and now we are all having children. There are 6 great grandchildren and 2 boast my grandmas name, Vriginia, or her middle name, Jacquelyn. Also one of my cousins has her first name.

They can still use lillian as a middle name. Dont let them dictate what u want.

mlbohannon1120

This post has caused quite the controversy on the Name board... I just wanted to see what the general response was, and MOST people say "first come, first serve."

In all honesty, it is VERY unlikely that I will use the name simply because I'm the type of person who does not like to cause controversy. In fact, since they got so upset about it, I would feel guilty for "stealing" the name they announced they loved. There are a million other beautiful names out there, and I'm sure we'll come across one or even more that we love. I must say though, I will feel even more unhappy if nobody gets the opportunity to use the name.

 

RNmommyof2

My grandma and her sister both named their daughters Susan, so my mom has a sister Susan and a cousin Susan. It's not a big deal.

Shawnee11507

kms34:

IMO, no one owns a name or can "claim" a name.  If you have a girl first and are dead set on honoring your gma by naming her Lillian....go for it! 

That being said, we don't know your BIL/SIL so if you think it would cause unnecessary drama, maybe use Lillian as a middle name.

This

3rdCopelandBaby

I named my DD Lily after my gma, and my Dh had a grandma Lillian as well. Im sure my family wasnt too pleased because I am not as close to my grandma as others are, but I loved the name and it was something my Dh and I agreed on. Im not close to anyone in my family so I dont give 2 shits how they felt. I honestly wouldnt care what they thought about you using Lillian for your babys name because its your child. Your baby=your decision!!

mlbohannon1120

MyHusbandMyHero:

I got "faith" tattooed on my back when I was 18 before I met DH. After DH and I got married and were serious we always said, we would love to name our little girl that.

After my Nana passed away, I got a lily flower and yellow butterfly (which we associated with my grandfather) tattooed on my back. I was extremely close with her, and I would be beyond thrilled to name my daughter (if that's what little nugget turns out to be) after her.

After another brief chat with my SIL, we're going to table the conversation until we find out what Baby B is. She promised me that if she and my brother made a definite decision on their future (as far as more kids go) she would definitely let me know. We'll figure it out, and regardless of what decision we come to, my relationship with my family is far too strong to let the name of my child come between us.

ryry1977

Whoever has a girl first gets the name.  You can't claim a name...kind of silly.  If you have a girl, they can always use it as a middle name, or vise-versa.  I know not the same thing.  Good luck!