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Working Moms
beebe929
member
If you are the "breadwinner" please come in
beebe929
member
in Working Moms
I am stuggling right now. There is so much pressure with working mom vs SAHM. I am in a position where my income/job supports us more than DH. So in all honesty I can't be a full time SAHM. We are in a good positon with two incomes and live fairly comfortably.
Do you ever have issues with being the "provider". The whole ANTI woman's lib stuff gets me at times and I want to be "taken care of" and get to choose to stay home if I want.
I am not a poster on this board, but I am just having a hard time and we had a long talk last night, so it is weighing on me. I was hoping for some advice, or some general suck it up words.
Thanks
This discussion has been closed.
Re: If you are the "breadwinner" please come in
Well, good luck being "taken care of"
Do you REALLY want to stay home? Have you spent 10 days in a row, at home w/ your LOs? No is taking care of you, you are taking care of 2 demanding little kids who need constant age appropriate attention and stimulation.
Even is SAH were an option for me financially, I wouldn't do it. DD is so happy at daycare and gets so much out of it.
ETA - also think about what you sacrifice for yourself and your kids/family if you didn't work. I assume vacations, college savings, retirement savings, etc. are all possible now.
No. No issues. Here's the thing though: I have no issues being a working mom. I have no deep-rooted longing to be a SAHM. While ideally I will be able to go PT when DD is 10, we'll see. Here's the thing I do know: if I wanted to be a SAHM, we could do it. It would mean a drastic change in lifestyle though -- downsizing the house, no daycare, little to no trips and so on.
If you can't afford to do even that, why be resentful? It is what it is. Railing about something you can't change doesn't alter it. Why not make long-term plans instead? Like your DH working to make more money, get a promotion, etc. so you CAN have the option to stay home? You working hard to get promotions or greater job flexibility. Schooling to find alternative more flexible careers. Saving money to allow you a financial cushion for when you want to stay home.
DD -- 5YO
DS -- 3YO
oh, please, many people who appear to have a "choice" are up to their eyeballs in debt, skimping on retirement savings or living paycheck to paycheck. And those that are in good financial shape (right now) have put their entire financial well being in someone else's hands. That's a little scary to me.
I am probably in a better position than most to be a sahm and, for me, I think that it would be incredibly irresponsible. My DH and I would never put ourselves or our kids in a position where we are financially vulnerable. Life is full of uncertainty and my goal is to do what I can to protect my family from as best as I can.
I agree. I'm curious about what your talk was about with DH and what conclusions you came to. If you would have to make life changes that aren't 'worth it' to you, then it's a no brainer really. Sure we ALL have days we'd rather be at home and not dealing with something at work, but at the same time there sure are things I enjoy/like/cherish about working. So if you have made the decision as a family to work, then own that decision and don't focus on the negatives.
If however you really do want to SAH, what are you doing to make it a reality? Have you come up with a plan to get more income/less expenses, tried living on one income for awhile, etc.
It IS hard to make decisions if you truly would be happy either way...some women know they want to SAH, some know they want to work, some are mixed. All are ok, you will figure it out eventually.
I think we all have different perspectives on this. Dh and I both wanted me to be a SAHM for 5 years or so, hoping to get 2-3 kids into pre-school. However, DH was laid off twice while I was pregnant and has been home with DS the whole time. We have made DRASTIC changes including no longer owning a home, minimal vacations, and downgraded cars. We had hoped he would find a job and we would end up a 2 income family for the security before having to give everything up. It didn't work out and we are now very happy DS is home with his Daddy, we have a roof over our heads, good insurance and food in our bellies.
I do struggle with it though. I really want to be home with DS. However, I have never wanted to be taken care of, I feel very strongly marriage and family is a 50/50 partnership. That doesn't mean we always give the same amount but that our strengths and weaknesses balance each other out and we meet all of our family's needs together. Being the sole breadwinner is extremely stressful and I don't think DH understands it but I also know being a SAHP is very stressful and I can't understand it 100% either. It sounds to me like you need a break. Can you schedule a day to yourself? Maybe get a massage or mani/pedi, pamper yourself a bit? A little bit of self focus can go a long way. Best of luck!
I'm the breadwinner and carry all our benefits. My round trip commute is 120 miles. I work from my home twice/week, and could easily do my job 100% from home, but the company won't allow that. I have 1 year old twin girls and I'd stay home in a heartbeat. I had surgery a few months ago and had a month off to recover....loved every second and it was so hard to get back into work. I'd jump at the option to work part-time, but it's just not in the cards for us.
My dh is in the automotive industry, and while their business is doing great right now, it's too unstable. Plus I make a significant amount more. I'd even support him staying home with them, These first coupld years I'd really love for one of us to be around them more during the days.
My issues w/ being the provider....I feel like I can't leave my job. I have great benefits, a decently flexible schedule, home office twice/week (more often if needed---sick me/kids/dr. appts), and it's very stable. I know these are all good things, right?
It's also hard because my friends can't really relate to me in this aspect. They work part time, or stay home, constantly on the go, flying in and out of mom groups (which also tick me off because none of this is available on weekends).They don't really get where I'm coming from.
In all honesty, if dh and I were in opposite positions, I'd find something part-time. Right now, when I'm at work I feel like I should be home. When I'm home, I can't stop thinking about work. It's hard, but we're making it work. My only advise I guess is to keep an open line of communication w/ dh. Every now and then I get a chip on my shoulder because of this situation. It's nobody's fault, but could easily start an argument/grudge. I just have to remind myself that every month I'm putting away $$ for their college...I might not be able to do that otherwise.
I'm in a similar situation. I am the breadwinner and if my and my husband's salary were reversed, I'd probably be a SAHM.
Most of the time, I'm ok with it because I knew what his salary would be when we got married so I knew what I was getting into. On the other hand, there are times when I get upset because while he has all the freedom in the world with his career choices b/c he's NOT the breadwinner, I'm stuck in a job I hate because I have to make this salary to support our family. I think it's the feeling that I don't have a choice that bothers me.
My job has a "mentor moms" program that I'm glad to be a part of. It's great talking to other working moms who don't give me a look of puty when I talk about working FT. If your work doesn't have one, find a friend who is a working mom who you can talk to and relate more to.
If you want to feel taken care of, find other ways for him to take care of you that don't include money.
GL!
Melissa
Was that really the root of the long conversation you had last night?
When DH and I had that conversation it was because, although I was the primary breadwinner and benefits provider, and I have been for years, I was still expected to perform like a SAHM- ALL of the childcare, cooking, cleaning, bill paying, doctors appt scheduling/taking, general errands, grocery shopping, etc was on me. It wasn't that I wanted to be a SAHM, but I couldn't do both full-time jobs to 100% and it was taking a toll on all of us. DH really stepped up in our partnership now and I feel like I get to be the trophy wife, mom, employee and self that I really want to be.
Nice to see you over here.
I've been the main breadwinner since we got married while my husband has been working part-time and getting his PhD (which really equals a full-time job). I actually think it's much harder on him mentally than on me. He often expresses how he wants to do more to provide for his family. For us though, we know that will hopefully come in time because once he has his PhD he hopefully will find full-time employment in his field. The thing is, even once he does I don't want to stop working.
I understand the frustration as feeling as though you don't have a choice. I think maybe it's easier to work if you're working solely because you want to work instead of because you have to work. I do, sometimes, wonder how simple it must have been back in the day when it was just assumed that the man would provide and the woman would raise the kids and I wonder how much the woman's movenment has really helped women. I'm not saying that women shouldn't have careers and work (as I am one who does and enjoys it) but, I do think that for many women they are in the same position their grandmothers were in - their grandmothers mainly didn't have the option to work and so many women today don't have the option NOT to work. Either way, we are often times left without options and that is something to try and make peace with.
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life
So interesting that you say this. Whevever I get upset about being the breadwinner it's because I feel like I'm going EVERYTHING. I don't mind being the breadwinner if there's balance in the work at home.
I read an article or a book about how women's lib really just screwed women over because yes, it "allowed" us to work but it didn't really alleviate any of hte other expectations for us. So in addition to the child-rearing, cooking, cleaning, we were "allowed" to work outside the home. LOL
It wasn't such an issue for me when DH's job was more flexible. It was much easier for me when both of us had some flexibility at work. Now he has none, I'm doing the lion's share of the child care and I can't do much about it b/c I out earn him by 2/3's. He's actively looking for other employment so that either he can have some more flexibility or I can cut back at work if he's earning more.
I can certainly identify with wondering what I got myself into, though. I made choices about my education and career in my 20's that I could have never imagined would have affected me in my 30s. Sometimes I wished I'd made less b/c I felt like I would have had more choices. Earning a good living and contributing a lot to a househould is a great accomplishment, but at 20 y/o I didn't realize the limitations it brought either. Now that I've been doing it awhile, though, I see it mostly as a good thing. Hang in there!
No. Women were not screwed over by women's lib. Women were, and continue to be, screwed over by a lot of things, but advocates for gender equality were not among them.
Thank you! I was just coming to post this.
Also - ICK at the term "women's lib"
Read the Femine Mystique - women were bored stiff at home w/ nothing to do w/ childcare and vacuuming too.
My mom is pretty traditional and she stayed home when we were little but she said the day I started kindergarten, by 10:30, she'd made every bed, vacuumed, done the dishes and cleaned adn she thought to herself "WTH am I going to do w/ myself all day besides sit on teh sofa and eat and get fat?" She got a PT job the next week.
My mother has always been the breadwinner and when I was 10 (I am the youngest of 3) my father died. If my mother had not been working, I hate to think what would have happened to us (that is with life insurance). She remarried 6 years later and was/is still the breadwinner in that relationship. Now she is the CEO of her company (has been for 10 years) due to her many years of experience. She will retire soon with a very nice savings for herself. And she was always there for us as a wonderful and supportive mother.
My mother inlaw has also always been the breadwinner, supporting her pastor husband. She also was always there for her children. My father inlaw did most of the domestic work. She is now also retired with a great savings for her and FIL.
I am currently the breadwinner in our family (DH is working on PhD). I try to us my mother and MIL as inspiration.
Just wanted to share that there are lots of women breadwinners out there, you can do it and be proud!
:::Waves - Hi Beebe!:::::
I make more than DH - on a good year, it's 100% more, on a bad year, it's 30% more. That being said, we could live very comfortably on DH's income alone.
I switched job recently, and took a break in between. I loved my time with the boys, but in all honestly, it was because I knew there was an end in sight. If I had to do it all the time all day long, my kids would become my "job" and not "fun" anymore.
I'm also petrified of dh losing his job should we go the one income route. We both work in the financial services industry so job security isn't the greatest. At least with both of us working, we can sock away a ton of cash for that rainy day.
Oh yeah, I've never ever pictured myself as a SAHM. I've spent too long climbing the ladder, too much on my education to ever give this up. Who I am at work is a HUGE part of my identity. Besides, if I stayed at home, I would never move past sweats every day.
4 Fresh IVF cycles + 1 FET where embies didn't survive the thaw = 2 perfect little men!
sFET 11/9/11 - Beta 11/18 BFP!
I'm saying that anyone that chooses not to work and relies on another person to earn money to support them, is financially dependent on that person. If I decided not to work and just let my DH be the breadwinner, he would be solely responsible for the financial well being of our family. That may work for some, but I am way too risk averse to live like that. I'd live in constant fear of DH getting laid off, getting hurt, etc.
Sure I have days that I wish I didn't have to work and that DH could work...he has lost the use of his right arm and can't work. So I do. But on the few days that he will take an odd job to make some money he comes home and is in so much pain that he can't move, I don't mind working at all. I don't like seeing him hurt, and I will do anything to keep him from being in pain. If that means he stays home, so be it. We are trying to get him on disability, but it's such a long and drawn out process it will probably take years, and the judge will probably just deny him for his age the first time (they are known around our area to do that).
I never thought I would be a SAHM, but I never thought I would be the breadwinner. But his contributions to the house are priceless, because he's better at keeping house than I am LOL (thanks to his mom!)
This is the struggle I am having at the moment. DH tries, but I constantly have toi be the one to point out what needs to be done and keep track of everything; and my workload has escalated at work due to staff shortages so I feel pressure everywhere. I do make slightly more and carry the benefits; and could never see my self as a FT SAHM. But I wish it were just a bit more balanced each day. I'm reminding myself to take it one day at a time, try to have patience with DH and myself and keep reassessing how we handle the partnership as C keeps changing. But I could never been the Donna Reed type...
While I no longer make more than DH, I do have a more stable job and provide much better health insurance for myself and DS. Though I never saw myself as a SAHM, I will say that I wish I could have stayed home with DS longer than my 3 months of maternity leave...perhaps returning part-time.
Frankly, staying home sounds appealing to me right now because I don't love my job and really don't want to stay in my line of work anymore. I feel trapped because I make decent money, and as I said, I carry our health insurance, so quitting isn't an option for numerous reasons. I don't mind being a working mom, but I just wish I was leaving my DS for a job I enjoyed.
My best honest advice is to stop pointing out what needs to be done. That is "mothering" behavior. You can do things like have a master list- NOT a chore assignment, but a "these are the things that need to be accomplished by whomever has the chance to do them".
If he still never takes the initiative, start cutting out 'benefits'. Yes, those benefits, but also things like making dinner, or washing any of his clothes, or the grocery shopping. Make it clear that it is NOT a punishment. It's "oh, I'm sorry I didn't have a chance to _____ at all over the last three days, I've been so swamped trying to keep up the housework."
A few months ago DH had an all out tempertantrum because there wasn't any milk for his cereal. My response was simply, "you're a grown man with a car and a debit card, go get some milk if it means that much to you, I haven't had a chance to go shopping." I swear the room got brighter as the lightbulb came on. It had never occured to him that he could go to the store too!
As you said, patience is the word of the day.