C/S and PP experience (very long)

Rachal217

 I had gone on bed rest on Janurary 13th,at 32 weeks, for a positive fetal fibronectin test. Before this point I had a completely perfect pregnancy. Never once did I feel sick or have any symptoms. I felt better than I ever have and DS was doing perfect. So when January came and I was put on strict bed rest, it came as a shock. March rolls around (I'm 35 weeks at this point) and DS isn't moving and I'm so swollen that it begins to scare me because this had never happened. I go into the hospital and the nurses/dr. say that his heart rate is all over the place but he'll be ok because it's just because they can't get a good reading. They weren't able to get a good heart rate reading because there was way too much amniotic fluid around DS. I was released the next morning and by 4:30 pm that day I had lost my mucous plug and had bloody show. I stayed at home because my contractions that I was having weren't intense and they were 8 minutes apart. So a full 24 hours goes by and they are about 5 minutes apart and I felt it was time to go. When I got to the hospital they found out my water had broken but it was such a small leak I really had no idea. They went ahead and broke my water and I went from 1cm dilated to 3cm in 30 min. He was officially on his way and ready to come out but then his heart rate dropped during a contraction and then there was talk of a C/S. Apparently, something else had happened to make them cancel the C/S and I was so out of it I wasn't understanding what was going on but once again his heart rate dropped and the dr. wanted a C/S again and it wasn't going to change. I ended up with a C/S after desperately hoping for 9 months to go natural and med-free. Because he was born at 35 (actually almost 36) they were afraid that he might have some issues like being to early and possible GBS. I didn't see DS for 3 hours PP while everyone else had and I feel guilty for saying this but after I found out he was ok (never needed NICU and it was determined he was almost full term) I really didn't think about him. Granted I was still out of it but I felt/feel like a bad mother for not thinking about him very much. Breastfeeding was difficult because he was almost full term but not quite so he wasn't neurologically developed enough to be able to latch well. It just didn't go the way I had envisioned.

With all that being said, my DS is a healthy, happy 3 month old as of yesterday but I simply cannot come to terms with the whole situation. I find myself being intensly jealous of those around me that have had sucessfull vaginal births. I think the whole situation with how my DS came into this world and it being full of chaos effected my perception of our bonding. I feel like I don't have a bond with him and that he sees me as just another person in his life rather than being "mom". I cry thinking about that day and cry reading other people's posts on here about their similar situations. I would imagine that the PP depression may factor into this but I'm not sure. Breastfeeding was so important to me and since it didn't work out I feel judged by those who advocate breastfeeding like the pediatrician, MIL, SIL's so overall I feel like a terrible mother even though it wasn't necessarily my fault. I don't talk about these issues with anyone other than my DH but he doesn't understand entirely what it means for a woman to do something her body was created for. I'm very bitter and I can't wait to have another child so that I might be able to experience a VBAC but I fear another C/S. This was our first child and we hope to have at least 4 so I feel like it would be unwise to have more than that because I know there is an increased risk with each pregnancy. Anyway, if you made through all this TIA! I just needed to get it all out to women who would understand these emotions.

holly321

I am so sorry about your experience and inability to breast feed.

 

I wanted a natural meds free birth too, and had the exact opposite, a c/s with failed spinal, so I had g/a.  And I had full intentions of ebf for 6 months, but I had a breast tumor removed a few years ago, and the scar tissue really hurt my supply.

Have you considered joining a support group for ppd?  I have found discussing my feelings has been my biggest help, and I think it is the reason I am not on meds.  I am surrounded by pregnanct friends and family members, and it drives me nuts!  I try not to get jealous over people being able to give birth vaginally, but I can't help it.

 

Lisa and Mickey

I think you will find lots of women around here have very similar feelings to yours. My son is almost 17 months and I very recently started healing from the emotional pain. This board has helped a lot. I felt very alone and like no one understood how I was feeling. Coming here I have found a large group of amazing women who understand. I'm sorry you had such a rough delivery. Hopefully by spending time here you will also begin to heal!