Advice Needed
So DH and I got into about my not wanting MIL to come and stay with us after the baby is born. She made me so stressed out with DD that I locked Em and myself in my bedroom and cried for a good 30 minutes. I didn't say anything to DH because he thought I was just complaining. Once I told him I cried, he felt bad. MIL and my relationship is pretty strained and because she doesn't respect my wishes 99% of the time, I just don't want her to stay with us. DH thinks I'm being mean.
I
told him that she is welcome to come and visit us in the hospital once
we've had time to be just our little family and that if she wants to
visit at the house after we've been home, it's fine, but she can't stay
more than a day (being morning to evening, no staying with us). He still
thinks I'm being mean to her.
So... in the interest of
wondering if I'm really the worst DIL ever, would you let your MIL stay
with you? Am I being unreasonable? I don't feel like I am because she's been so disrespectful towards mine and DH's parenting wishes.
Re: Advice Needed
I do not think you are being unreasonable at all.
If she stresses you out, I can't imagine it would be healthy for you to be around her for super long periods of time. Especially right after having a baby!
Does she live close? Or far away?
I am in the same boat with my MIL, except she lives four blocks down the street, in the same housing development. I am having issues with her wanting to be IN the delivery room!
I don't think it's mean at all. It's a totally reasonable request if that's what you want. I absoultely did not want guests staying with us. I made it clear in a very nice way that we would be adjusting to family life together and gave a list of close hotels. Maybe don't go into all the reasons you don't like your mil if that's what you dh is considering mean. Just focus on the event, and how you would like the time to be about you and the new baby.
Oh HELL no.
Not only don't I have a great relationship with my MIL, but I learned the hard way with my exMIL. I thought I could just ignore her but between hormones, new baby stress, breastfeeding adjustments, etc., I learned that NOBODY should stay at my house for any period of time with a new baby. I suspect it would damage even the best of relationships (DH/SO and kids not included).
Have DH talk to her, let him adress your wishes - make sure he's FIRM about the fact that her visits need to be limited, even though she's got the best intentions. Also go over what she's permitted to do while she's there...including leaving when you ask.
This. If she stresses you out, not having her there is in the best interest of you and your new family. You will have enough to worry and stress about with a new little one, you don't need anything else heaped on top.
I think your DH needs to be way more understanding about this. I also think (from what you have told me) that between anxiety, a newborn, and a 3 year old, unless she is going to help you and abide by your wishes she can stay the heck home. It will be no good for the 4 of you to have the stress, period.
Not you're not being mean at all. I was living in Seattle when I had DS and both my Mom & MIL wanted to come and help out straight away. I said from the start NO WAY as I wanted DH & I to settle in our baby on our own and not have to worry about house guests.
My Mom came to visit in the end when DS was 2 months old and then MIL visited when he was 3 months old. Honestly I couldn't wait for our little family to return to normal again after they left. I would never have them staying again & if I was you I would just get your DH to say to his Mom, thanks but no thanks!
I'm assuming she lives close? If she lives close, then just have DH say "thanks for the offer, but I don't think we need as much help this time around... Of course we'll love for you to visit and meet the baby and all, but we don't need you to stay over this time. Thanks anyway...
And really, your DH is who I'd be pissed at. He needs to stand by you. He needs to know that if his mother makes you upset, she needs to get the hell away or he needs to stand up for you and tell her to stop.
Like the others have said I don't think you are being mean at all. Both my IL's came the day after DS was born, they live in CA and drove all day to be here when we were released from the hospital. They didn't stay with us, we made that clear before they came. We spent a lot of time at my parents house, so that we could leave when we wanted to. It was the longest but shortest week of my life. Trying to adjust to a new baby and have them around was very hard. I don't really remember the first few weeks home with the baby and I would never do it again. I know they wanted to see their first Grandson but it sure was hard. Do what feels right for you and your family. Good luck.
You are definitely not being the horrible DIL. She needs to respect your wishes. It is such a stressful time after the baby that even normal visitors are overwhelming. Stand your ground!
I guess I should add that I do want my mom here to take care of Em while we're in the hospital. My mom is low maintenance, she listens and understands why MIL stresses me out. I just want my mom. This is one of those things where I know that I need my mom here with me.
Anyway, thanks for making me feel less awful. MIL lives less than two hours away. And she doesn't come visit much, we have to come to her. She complains that she doesn't see her grandbaby enough, but never comes to visit her here and she's not working full time.
I'll stand my ground then and be firm with DH. Thanks ladies!
This! and throw out Genesis 2:24 to him every time he argues with you about it.
I just laughed out loud, I will throw out that verse next time :-)
Well, I'm late to the conversation, but I like my MIL, and wanted no one near me those first few weeks. My sister whom I love dearly came three weeks in, and I wanted her to leave after 5 days. I needed quiet time to heal.
And I just wanted to add... tell your DH it is impossible to be "mean" in those first few weeks. Sad, hurting, bleeding, struggling, exhausted, 100% in survival mode, and needing to be cared for vs. fighting someone in your own home, yes. Mean, no.
I'm going to make an AWESOME big brother.
I like this! Like others have said, I like my MIL. But our styles are very different, and she still stresses me out about baby stuff. I would have been a wreck if she was staying the night with us. My mom stayed with us and it was so helpful - normally we butt heads because we're both opinionated, but it wasn't that way with the newborn. It's hard to explain to some people, but someitmes you need your own mom and no one else - for me that was one of those times. I can't imagine having my MIL over if we didn't get along - it would have been terrible. Stand firm on this one, you will be happier in the long run!
There is nothing wrong with wanting your OWN mom to be there to help you out in the beginning and not wanting someone else's mom there. Some MILs are helpful and all, but it's still nto your own mom and a lot of times you end up feeling like you have "a guest" in your house not a mom/helper....
Anyway, I don't think you ever have to explain how having your own mom is different than having someone else's mom.
When DH has surgery or needs help, he can have his own mom and your mom can stay away. But this is YOU recouperating and you can choose who you have.