Showdown at the In-laws

blue33

I had to vent to a group that I know understands my frustration and pain. So, we went to my in-laws house today for the holiday. They have not seen DS since Thanksgiving. This is the first gathering we have been to since his diagnosis. So, I told them before we came about his allergies, I even explained that he is severely sensitive to eggs. I had my epi pen of course, but still, I didn't want to get to that point. We get there and DH's step mother came to the door and said that everyone had already started to eat, so we can just come on in and make a plate. Now, I will preface this by saying that I don't expect everyone to alter their dinner plans and menu for us. So, we walked in and the first thing I noticed was the huge bowl of potato salad and the deviled eggs on the table, and on most of the guests' plates. I told my husband about my concerns, and he assured me that everyone knew about our son's allergy, so there should not be a problem. Well, how about DH's step mom tried to reach for my son and she had potato salad on her plate, and had just put some in her mouth. So, I was really polite. I said, "Ms. H, he is really allergic to eggs, and I know that the potato salad has it in there, so can you please wash your hands  before you pick him up and please don't kiss him in his face". So, apparently, she was offended and went and told her husband that I was acting funny and did not want her to pick up my baby. So, her husband came in the kitchen and said, "Our son was not glass and would not break, and that he was not the first baby with allergies that they have been around. He said that I owed his wife an apology. Okay, at that point, I was so mad, I was seeing red. I said, that it would be a cold day in hell before I apologized for trying to protect my child. I said touching my child with eggs could seriously hurt him, and if that means you or anyone else here gets offended, then too bad. With that, I grabbed my son up and headed to the car. My son was rubbing his eyes, I am not sure if it was from being sleepy or if he was irritated. I gave him some benedryl, just in case. My husband was apologizing to me, because I was so upset, I had started to cry. I mean we told them before we got there what the deal was, and it was like we said nothing. I don't know what he said when I left the house, but I guess we won't be back anytime soon. Thanks for letting me vent.

g_belle

It sucks when they just dont get it.  We had a big family breakfast picnic this morning.  We ate at a table by ourselves on the opposite side of the pavillion from pretty much everyone.  I don't expect my extended family (or any family) to really accomodate his allergies since he has so many- but there were eggs, pancakes, toast, pastries etc. spread out on almost every.single. table. in the main picnic area.  We couldn't get away from it.  We walked around until everyone was pretty much finished and then sat far away.  I'm just glad that my son isn't old enough to really notice yet

magdusia

I'm sorry!  We no longer take my son to my FIL anymore for that same reason. Better be safe than sorry. Just recently he came over with his wife and his wife whipes out a PBJ and i almost fainted.  So now NO ONE is allowed to bring food from outside into our house.  MY child, MY rules. if you don't like it -scram!  But it's easier said than done since i'm hated by everyone of my IL's.

The only good thing i see from your story is that your DH is on your side.  My DH doesn't see most of the issues.. He doesn't see his 7 y/o nephew rub his hands on my son's face and i have to be the one to say "please don't touch his face" so i have to be the bad guy

Good luck and hopefully one day they will understand. Perhaps send them an epipen video. or some sort of video of what happens when a simple cross contamination happens.  If they use email -email them some links to videos.  Kids with food allergies have some incredible videos that make me cry every single time. 

CareBear0607

I am sorry.  That is really hard.  My in-laws are the same way.  They don't understand why we don't like actual peanuts out at parties even if it is out of DD's reach.  "It isn't a party unless there are peanuts."  Really!?!?! 

I do have to say that one positive in your situation is that DH is on your side.  Without my DH's support, I think it would be so much harder.  Also, in the begnining it was hard for my family too (mostly step-dad) to fully understand.  we are at 18 moths post dx and things are 100%, but things are much better with my family.

As for DH's we almost NEVER go there anymore, they will come here more often than not.  With the meals, we provide all the food and when they want to bring something we have them bring drinks.

EastCoastBride

Good for you for leaving.  While it may not do diddly squat, in the end, if ANYTHING is going to make an impact, you all getting up and walking out will.

People are such idiots.

DandelionMom

Oh honey I'm sorry.  We've gotten to the point with my ILs that we don't even go to their house when there's a meal.  We either come a bit early and leave when the food is served or we come after the meal.  It was just too stressful otherwise. 

aniceucchik

Ahhhh! That makes me so angry for you. Other people just dont get it and I hate that they feel entitled to something. Im sorry, but my kid, my rules and if you dont like it or are offended then get the hell out. Thats the way I feel-you have to be that way sometimes.

Court0026

Ugh, I am so sorry!  And soo glad you left.  Screw them.  Seriously. 

Most of the people in our lives are good about the parts of Owen's allergies that they remember, but on Thanksgiving we asked about the menu and just said we would go to DH's mom's if there were nuts.  We (or my mom) always send out an email to everyone just saying what the "terms" are for us to be able to attend.  And to please be upfront about what the menu is like so we can decide for ourselves.  He is probably ana to eggs and who knows for nuts, but they scare me even more.  His one reaction to eggs was projectile vomiting and passing out.  Anyway, it was all good until dessert when she got out a pecan pie.  We left, but I didn't stay to tell her off like I wanted.  She knew it wasn't supposed to be there and when my mom confronted her, she was called  a drama queen, told that she would never tell guests (they had non-family guests who didn't know Owen had allergies) what they could and could not bring, etc.  Last time we go to that house.  Still waiting for an apology to be honest. 

orchid8407

Good for you for sticking to your guns!

My DD has egg allergy too, however, my issue with the inlaws is smoking then wanting to hold DD. They don't smoke around her, but still it's on their clothes even if they wash their hands it still stinks like smoke. I get the "our kids are fine and we've smoked in the house with them."  Ugghh, it's so frustrating!

Quazel

I am sorry they did that, a lot of people don't understand proximity.  It sounds like you handled yourself extremely well.

Trace Adkins being on Celebrity Apprentice was a wonderful eye opener for a lot of people.  It definitely taught my DH and several people at work a lot about severe food allergies.  Apparently it did not teach enough people.

MarMat

I'm sorry for this, specially when they think you are a crazy overprotective mom.

I also stand up for leaving, I'm sure the message is clear and kudos as well to your husband.

They are the ones missing your childs life... feel better mama

blue33

Thank you all for listening and supporting me. Yes, my husband is a jewel. He understands how serious our son's egg allergy is, because of the severity of his eczema skin flares. We are the ones getting up with him at night when he is so irritated and itchy, that he tries to claw his skin off and screams, and also he was there when I had my ana reaction to shellfish. We finally got his skin semi under control and clear, and I will allow nobody to jeapordize that. Hurt feelings or not, I had to stand up for my little guy. I am sure I was the talk of the rest of the evening, but I don't give a care!

asyph107

good for you! you were totally in the right. some people will just never understand. Part of me is grateful that my family had a few years with my diagnosis before DS had to eat GF. People will hopefully adjust their attitudes over time. If not they will miss out on all the good times with you and your LO.

DiademChi

* hugs * It really sucks when other people (especially family) don't understand allergies.  Just because person A can touch foods they are allergic to without swelling, doesn't mean that person B has the same level of sensitivity!!!

I deal with this all the time with my own family.  I'm severely allergic to soy and am very lactose intolerant.  My mother is also lactose intolerant, but not as sensitive. She gets offended every time I refuse to eat the food she provides that contains dairy because "she can eat it" therefore it shouldn't harm me.  It sucks!

You did the right thing.  No need to ever apologize for protecting your child from a genuine health threat. 

babygrl5507

Sorry about your in-laws.  I can sympathize with you; my in-laws don't like to listen to my rules with my children, either.

You are so lucky to have an awesome DH!!  And kudos for not putting up with BS and leaving!  Your in-laws need to realize that it's not about them sometimes.  They should always be striving to do what's best for your DS...and mamas usually know what that is.  Their loss!!

GL!