Just need to talk/vent/get some feedback. My separation story.
I'm not sure what I even want to say here..... I'm just pretty confused and have a big decision to make, and no one to talk to.....
I live in a small town where "news" runs out of control, so I can't really talk to anyone, or news of our separation and why we separated will be all over the place. We've been separated for a few weeks now, and still hardly anyone knows. I asked him to leave because I found out that he had been lying again. No he's never cheated on me, or hit me, or abused drugs or alcohol. But he lies quite a bit, and allows me to do everything. Really. I have to do all of the housework, cook meals, make grocery list, pay all the bills, etc. He doesn't even know when the bills are due or how much they are for. Its all me. I also work a full time job, and make the money. He works min wage with no benefits or pension, even though he has the education to be working a better job.
Anyways, he has a history of lying. Even if its about little things, lying is something I really can't put up with. Then I found out that he missed a payment on the one bill he is responsible for, and when I checked his account to see how many payments he's missed, I found hundreds of $ in NSF charges, and over $600 in overdraft, even though I got him out of overdraft years ago. He told me he had no overdraft. Then when I looked a little further, I found out that not only does he have this huge overdraft, he hasn't been making the payments on it, and is now in collections because of it! He had been getting tons of phone calls from collections that he told me were from telemarketers. He got letters in the mail from the bank that he told me were about his RRSPs. And then, even better, I found out that the car insurance (the ONE bill he was supposed to be paying, only because he didn't get it switched into our joint account the 50 times I asked him to) was 1 week away from being cancelled. I was completely blindsided. I knew nothing of any of this. As far as I knew, it was being paid, and he had no overdraft. Now he is in collections and almost had our car insurance cancelled.And we have the money to pay it, so I really don't know why he did this, let alone lie about it for so long. He's been in overdraft for as far back as the records go......
I asked him to leave. I couldn't handle being with someone who would do that. There is nothing he can say that he hasn't said the many other times he has lied. I am tired of dragging someone through life, telling him what he needs to do and when, why etc. He is a grown man. He does not want the separation, but has done nothing other than say he is sorry. He told me the day I found this all out that he was going to call a councillor the next day and get some help. I have heard nothing. I'm not telling him what to do. Not this time.
So, I have no problem with him seeing our DD. I even let him have my car one day last weekend so he could take her out. (he doesn't have a working car right now, and no carseat.) He is allowed to see her whenever he wants, which works out to 3-4 times a week. Which I have to say is quite annoying for me.... lol But it is what is best for DD.
I guess, I just don't know if I will regret it later if I make this permanent. But at the same time, I just feel like there is someone else out there who is better suited for me. I am very independent, so doing it all on my own (although it has only been a few weeks) is really no big deal at all for me. No one at work even knows there is anything different going on. I am actually finding it easier because I am not frustrated or annoyed because he is not doing anything, or because I have to tell him to do everything. Yes I am a bit more tired, but I am pretty relaxed. I just feel like I am really hurting two people if I don't let him back, which at this point, I don't really see why I should. It kills me to hear the pain in his voice when he talks to DD on the phone, or when he cried the first time he saw her after we had split. I think of how it would feel if it were me that couldn't see DD every day. That would be awful.
Not only that, but I am surprised at how embarrassed I feel about the separation. Not so much separating from him, but failing at our marriage. And once people know, I feel like they look at me differently. Either with shame (OMG I can't believe she split up with him! They have a baby!) or pity (OMG she has a baby and is on her own) and I don't need either.
I know this is long-winded. Thank-you for reading. Please post your thoughts (good or bad) about my story. I need some feedback. Do you understand why I left? Would you have stayed? Too hard on him? Not hard enough? Etc. Etc. Whatever you would like to contribute. Like I say, not anyone to talk to at home because I don't want people to know my dirty laundry LOL TIA ladies!
Re: Just need to talk/vent/get some feedback. My separation story.
I would have done what you did. I am also letting XH see DD pretty liberally while I file paper work for a divorce. I don't like it but am trying to keep the peace until there is a court order in place.
Ultimately you need to do what is best for you and your LO. Finances are a big thing, and trust like that is hard to regain.
As far as others, I would just ignore them. It is no ones business but your own
No matter what the reason, I don't think staying in an unhappy relationship just for a child is ever a good idea. He is way too dependant on you and I definitely don't blame you for what you are doing.
Instead of being your husband, he is like a second child. And I think everyone goes through a period of embarrassment after a relationship or a marriage ends whether a child is involved or not. Who cares what other people think. What matters is that you're happy.
My ex was a liar as well. He would lie about the stupidest things. Well, finally, he took one lie too far, and then had to confess. The week after, I found out he had been cheating on me.
He also was lying to me financially as well.
I broke up with him and never looked back. I refuse to live my life having to check up on absolutely everything or second guessing everything.
As for the small town thing, in my experience, the less you feed the story, the sooner it will die. Sure, once word gets out about the separation, people will talk, but they'll move on to something else. Especially if you keep everything civil.
I feel like our stories are very similar although I haven't found the strength to leave yet. Instead we lead separated lives in the same household. I admire your strength. I am the bread winner in the house, but it is money spent cleaning up his mistakes that has kept me down. I'm saving now for a down payment on a house, but it takes time. I feel trapped all the time, but pat of me still doesn't want to leave until I see how he is after the baby gets here (I'm almost 32 weeks). I know it's naive of me to think that things will change, but I have to know. Not to mention the fact that the thought of moving this pregnant is overwhelming
I can't stand liars and I don't know why he does the things that he does as I'm sure you don't either. I hope things work out for you one way or another. If you ever need a fellow, a little less strong, mommy to chat with message me.
Thanks for your reply! I have been thinking the same way. When I was with him, I was pretty cranky and testy, and DD can pick up on that. Now if something is not done, its because I didn't do it, not because i have someone sitting on the couch not doing anything unless I get mad..... You are SOOOO right about him being a second child, you have NO idea..... I am totally ashamed about breaking up a marriage. It'll only get worse when people find out, like I said, small town. Not only that, but small town with old fashioned views..... Him lying would not be enough of a reason to break up a marriage in their eyes I'm sure.....
I could ALWAYS use another mommy to chat with! Will PM u as soon as I figure out how LOL
That's the thing: I do have to check up on everything and I second guess everything. He doesn't cheat, never has. He doesn't really go out. He is more on the childish side of things. But pretty much everything else I have to check up on. Its exhausting. So very exhausting. Whenever I get to the point where i trust him on something, something like this last incident happens. UGH. I am going to keep everything civil. I do wonder what he will do when I get to the point of deciding I don't want to try to fix it. I haven't told him that outright yet because I am making SURE that I actually don't want to try. I don't feel like it can be fixed right now, but I am still pretty annoyed, if that makes any sense.... getting super tired..... LOL thanks for the reply!