How do you feel about BMBs?

mundayem

So I talked about my first m/c on my BMB this morning and the fact that it was a missed m/c and I had no symptoms and I don't think one of the girls was very appreciative of that. Has anyone else had any experiences like this where just talking honestly about what happened to you wasn't well recieved? I wasn't trying to freak her out or anything but I think I did and I feel bad about it but I was just talking about my experience not about what might be going on with her.

quezzo

They are generally rainbows and unicorns over there and don't like to hear bad things. I think almost everyone here has had the same type of experience you are describing.

I don't think you should fee bad though because honestly, a healthy does of reality isn't a bad thing. People who have never had a miscarriage just can't understand though, and generally don't want to. 

nekillo

I hate my BMB.  They definitely do not have the same mentality as PGAL, not that it is just puppies and rainbows but still... We have threads on a weekly basis regarding the following:

• Complaining about EVERYBODY posting about hearing the HB or u/s pics (i mean who wants to see a million posts like that!
• Complaining about having a bday with an XMas bday (and flaming those who don't think it is such a bad thing by saying we are condescending and rude).
• Gender wishes ("I have 3 girls., if this one isn't a boy I'm going to cry!"  ugh hate that!)
• Flaming PGALers who chose to "hide" FB friends who were pregnant/had new babies after their loss.  (I'm totally guilty of that and you aren't going to make me feel bad!)

So yeah, I will post random devel. questions/resposnes on their but I have lost respect for a lot of ladies on there.

quezzo

nekillo:

• Flaming PGALers who chose to "hide" FB friends who were pregnant/had new babies after their loss.  (I'm totally guilty of that and you aren't going to make me feel bad!)

Not to hijack, but does anyone know how to unhide these people? I did this and now I can't figure it out.

Oh, also, the BMB seems to get better after the gender reveals. Once everyone gets that complaining out and starts to really worry about real things (like six people on mine had to go to L&D this week), they seem to calm down.  

ellebelle2384

I haven't posted on my BMB at all because I really have no interest in the kind of posts described above.  But I will say I've had your experience IRL.  I wouldn't feel bad about it.  You weren't trying to say that's what she had, just describing your own experience.  

PiperS

I lurk but I am not active. I don't blame them for being naive because I was just like that once. I am in a different place now though so I can't really relate to them like I can the ladies on this board.

mundayem

Yeah I was that naive once and thought that no cramping or spotting meant that nothing was wrong, and now I know better, but I really didn't intend to freak anybody out. But I think it's probably better for me to stay away from there. I think I'm too much reality for this stage in the pregnancy for the BMB.

Waiting4Fred

So far, I like the January bmb, but I didn't see the post you are referring to. I will say, though, that every time someone has a spotting post, and inevitably tons of people say "dark brown spotting is GOOD" I want to cringe because I know from experience that it is not.

D&D4Ever7

I pretend like they don't exist.

mundayem

Waiting4Fred:

So far, I like the January bmb, but I didn't see the post you are referring to. I will say, though, that every time someone has a spotting post, and inevitably tons of people say "dark brown spotting is GOOD" I want to cringe because I know from experience that it is not.

I deleted the post because I didn't want to end up freaking anybody else out. The Jan board to me seems to be mostly the same kinds of posts over and over again. Half of them seem to be about some sort of pain or cramp or what have you and they are looking for reassurance that everything is fine. Well in my experience those things have not ended well so I don't really feel good about participating because I don't want to be all debbie downer and say that something really could be wrong but I also don't want to say, yeah you're fine don't worry, when I'm on my third pregnancy and still no babies KWIM?

Gummybear

I generally like my BMB, for the most part. I don't let most of the smaller stuff bother me as much anymore, I just skim over a lot of the posts. I DID call some people out in the Friday confessions this week though, because I thought they were being egregiously selfish. A woman posted about a coworker whose baby died at 37w gestation, and if she should go to the funeral, would it be upsetting for the other mom etc. and about 1/3 of the responses were, "I wish I didn't read this thread, now I am scared" or some variation of that. No thoughts and prayers, no advice, nothing, except, me me me me. REALLY? When the subject is "Coworker lost baby at 37w". WTF did you THINK the thread was about, azzhole? Thanks for your helpful response...

nekillo

Waiting4Fred:

So far, I like the January bmb, but I didn't see the post you are referring to. I will say, though, that every time someone has a spotting post, and inevitably tons of people say "dark brown spotting is GOOD" I want to cringe because I know from experience that it is not.

I'm December LOL; The past 3 weeks has been BSC over there!

And to the PP with the FB question, next to "Most Recent" on your news feed there is a little carrot people.  You  can click on that then "edit options" and it brings up the list of people you've hidden.

Again, yes I feel awful that people made you feel bad about sharing your experience.  I don't mind the naivety (sp?) It's the judgemental attitude towards us who have lived it!

Laura23FP

"raindbows and unicorns" is a good way to put it.  I remember reading a post the other day that was pretty popular- you were supposed to post what posts make you angry/are stupid/etc.  And pretty much all of them said something like "when people post about m/c, we are pregnant and don't want to hear that!".  Inside I was like, you are kidding me, right?  I find them to be extremely insensitive and think every pregnancy is like a Lifetime movie (the ones that turn out perfect).

allybaby85

Ya I think most of them are the same. Mine is too much P&R so I mostly just lurk, if anything. It really used to bug me when ladies would say their goodbyes because they had a miscarriage and hardly anyone would post anything. It seems like a lot of them get offended with anything loss related.I avoid it for the most part

Waiting4Fred

mundayem:

Waiting4Fred:

So far, I like the January bmb, but I didn't see the post you are referring to. I will say, though, that every time someone has a spotting post, and inevitably tons of people say "dark brown spotting is GOOD" I want to cringe because I know from experience that it is not.

I deleted the post because I didn't want to end up freaking anybody else out. The Jan board to me seems to be mostly the same kinds of posts over and over again. Half of them seem to be about some sort of pain or cramp or what have you and they are looking for reassurance that everything is fine. Well in my experience those things have not ended well so I don't really feel good about participating because I don't want to be all debbie downer and say that something really could be wrong but I also don't want to say, yeah you're fine don't worry, when I'm on my third pregnancy and still no babies KWIM?

I absolutely agree. I posted pretty frequently at the beginning, but right now it is all the same topics, and I'm with you, when people are spotting or cramping, I'm not going to be the one to reassure them.

Hotzie

I didn't mean to come off as p*ssed off because you were talking about you experience.  In fact, I was going to apologize to you about my reaction but you deleted the post.

I too experienced a loss and understand that pregnancy isn't always puppies and rainbows.  I was telling you about the m/s symptoms that I was/wasn't feeling and your response sort of took me by surprise.  Please don't feel that you and your experience is not welcomed on the month board. 

PrincessDi80

I have the same bmb as Gummy, and it got much better after the second tri (although they did come on here and start *** when we had a post like this, not cool). I only lurk on my bmb though bc it got so busy when I would come home from work it would be too many pages of posts to catch up on. It has slowed down but I am too much of a stranger now to post. I only post here.

mundayem

Hotzie:

I didn't mean to come off as p*ssed off because you were talking about you experience.  In fact, I was going to apologize to you about my reaction but you deleted the post.

I too experienced a loss and understand that pregnancy isn't always puppies and rainbows.  I was telling you about the m/s symptoms that I was/wasn't feeling and your response sort of took me by surprise.  Please don't feel that you and your experience is not welcomed on the month board. 

Yeah I deleted because I didn't want someone who hadn't experienced a loss to see it and go- oh sh!t and start freaking out about their pregnancy because no one needs that added stress. I think since my first loss was a missed m/c it makes me nervous all the time that something is going to go wrong with this pregnancy but I won't know it. But I didn't mean to upset you or take you by surprise with my response so that's why I felt bad about it.

Hotzie

Don't feel bad about your response, it's a reality.  Believe me I have thought about the possibility of having a missed mc because I don't have many symptoms.  I also know that there are women out there (on here) that have not had many symptoms and have had healthy pregnancies.  These are the women I am trying to think about when I get nervous. 

romigu

I like mine...I try to ignore those whiny posts but mostly the girls are really nice. 

MCH77

I like my BMB... but it started out rocky and has gotten better.  I now pick the posts I read... I really don't have time/energy for drama. 

Do not feel bad about posting your missed m/c... it is life... which sucks at times. 

rock-elle

Trying to talk about m/c's over there is a losing battle, a few may get it, but in general if it doesn't happen to them they don't care or understand why we the way we are.

BMB's=unicorn piss and sparkles. I don't spend much time over there obviously.

pennynjon

Like Nekillo posted, our bmb doesn't want to hear anything about miscarriages or losses.  I never posted about mine.  But they actually complain about women who were part of our bmb updating that they had a mc.  I don't really think it is all of them, but quite a few who are obnoxious, selfish, and heartless.  I am still posting because all of the people over there aren't like that.  It is sad that so many are though.  I didn't really notice it until the last couple of weeks. 

Junebug060609

Ours had a similar reaction to missed m/c stories around the same point you're at.  I think in large part its because it harps on their biggest fears and they don't know how to deal with that.  Granted its one of our biggest fears as well, but to us its not a great unknown...its a potential end result of a pregnancy. 

Our BMB seems to go through waves of douchedom.  First up was the "Reading about all these m/c is so hard on ME" and "ZOMG, if a m/c happened to her...am I next?!?!!".  Then you move on to the "I'm not getting an NT scan bc I'd love my baby no matter what" (you know, because Downs is the only thing they find at that ::headdesk::).  Now that we're near the midway point, the gender disappointment threads are kicking in, though thankfully the ones on Oct so far have been mild. 

luvmyducks

For the most part they drive me nuts. In early pg there is always some douche that writes something completely insensitive about m/c "don't post your m/c here it scares us FH who still have their babies!" So I didn't post much then. Then the whole NT scan and termination debate starts. Then there are a million gender reveal posts that will contain gender disappointment. Mine is just now starting to get a little bearable.

J234

quezzo:

nekillo:

• Flaming PGALers who chose to "hide" FB friends who were pregnant/had new babies after their loss.  (I'm totally guilty of that and you aren't going to make me feel bad!)

Not to hijack, but does anyone know how to unhide these people? I did this and now I can't figure it out.

If you go to your recent news feed, at the top where you can sort between "Top News" and "Newest,"  there is a drop down arrow.  Go to "edit options" and uncheck your hidden friends.  HTH!!!  I know because I just re-added a friend who was pregnant that I "hid" after my loss yesterday!   

JoAnna914

pennynjon:

Like Nekillo posted, our bmb doesn't want to hear anything about miscarriages or losses.  I never posted about mine.  But they actually complain about women who were part of our bmb updating that they had a mc.  I don't really think it is all of them, but quite a few who are obnoxious, selfish, and heartless.  I am still posting because all of the people over there aren't like that.  It is sad that so many are though.  I didn't really notice it until the last couple of weeks. 

I agree w/ penny and nekillo - it's not them being naive that is the problem on our BMB; it's the outright hostility toward women who have had a loss and talk about it, their complete unwillingness to understand how that can change one's perspective in dealing with other pregnant women.  I really don't need them to "believe" us when we discuss the realities of a healthy pregnancy, but I am disgusted by their complete insensitivity, especially toward women who have been part of our board, and then have lost their pregnancies.  And the truth of the matter is that one woman in particular has surprised me in having that attitude, just knowing her struggles in getting pregnant from another board.  Fortunately, not all of them seem to share these opinions, which is why I still post occasionally. 

thewayiam

I'm finding that I'm honestly too tired to keep up with it - and when I have the energy I'd rather spend my time over here on PgAL. I'm not going to reassure people about spotting - though my spotting last time around had nothing to do with my loss - that's not always the case. IRL I am quite a realist and do not have any puppies nor have I ever seen a unicorn, so....

They all seem pretty nice in January (so far) but this trimester I just can't relate... maybe I'll pick it up more next tri. When I get past my loss milestone I'm hoping I can be more positive and hopeful.

One thing I really hate is the flame free confessions.... I just loathe that. So I keep away from that.