Now what?

mdotm0904

Ex has issued an ultimatum. Give the baby his last name or he sign off parental rights. He says he refuses to parent a child that doesn't have his surname (& that he can have more if he wishes) & if she's his, she needs to have his name. He's threatening to fight me in court from the day she's born if i don't agree to let him sign over his rights or agree to give her his last name. Well, we aren't married. In fact he's still LEGALLY married to someone else! I've already spoken to a lawyer about custody & whether or not she has to have his last name & they said no, she doesn't have to have his last name even if he signs off on the BC. I haven't spoken to the family law attorney about whether or not he'll even BE ABLE to terminate his rights. Because I thought he could only terminate if there were someone else there ready to adopt (so i plan to call her first thing tomorrow morning).

I honestly feel like this whole thing is about control! He's a very controlling & manipulative bully who is quick to threaten court action (as seen in how he deals with his ex) and he's used to having everything his way. So he's trying to force my hand. I realize it's a "simple" issue of the name, and that if he's willing to do all of this then maybe i should just go ahead & concede & give my daughter his name so that we can move on & be one happy co-parenting "family". But the thing is this...WHY SHOULD I?!?! We're not married. Not dating. Haven't seen each other since March. We don't talk. He doesn't ask about the baby and HE'S the one who mentioned terminating parental rights. so obviously he wants out! I also feel like if I were to concede on this one issue it's setting a pattern of him being able to just bully me around, & I don't want to have to deal with that for the rest of my life & i don't want my daughter to think that men are just allowed to treat her any kind of way!

So at this point, I honestly feel stuck. I want my daughter to grow up having a father as I lost mine at age 11. But the whole situation seems volatile & he seems like a toxic person to have to deal with. I mean, he sees his daughter as DISPOSABLE! (i'll sign over my rights, i don't mind, i can have more kids, i mean WHO says that!) 

If i'm being a whiny brat, tell me & i'll take it into consideration that maybe i should give up my name. But i've been thinking about this for weeks & months, so it's not like i'm emotional right now & I just want things my way. I have been weighing the pros & cons for a long time about what's the right thing to do....

Ideas? 

BostonGayGal

He can't just opt to sign over rights. He will remain financially responsible. It may affect his choice to pursue visitation, but he is clearly such a twatforbrains that I would resist any urge to give in. If you are raising the child the child should have your last name. PERIOD. 

Jennis22

Don't give in to his little temper tantrum. You two aren't together so there's no reason for the baby to have his last name. 

Watergirl21

It's just my opinion- but why do you want this guy in your daughter's life?  If he wants out - let him go.  If I was in your situation I would not even bother with him and if he doesn't want to pay support than is fine.  It doesn't sound like he is going to be much of a co-parent since he clearly isn't interested in negotiating...  but definately do not change your daughter's name... she should have your name, you carried her for 9 months, and have looked after her ever since.  Stand your ground...

PrincessFiona9

You should give LO your last name and you should still file for child support after she is born. He can choose not to file for custody or visitation but he cannot just choose not to be financially responsible for his child.

julia0402

Agree with PP's-- don't give in.  Give the child your last name, let him storm off and sulk if he wants to, and just file for child support once she is born.  He sounds like he sucks.  Good riddance to him.

fauxshelley

This is when Sweetie's list would really come in handy.  Let me see if I can find it.

mdotm0904

fauxshelley:

This is when Sweetie's list would really come in handy.  Let me see if I can find it.

Never heard of that. I'm intrigued.

But yeah i spoke to a lawyer this morning. At this point he's just blowing smoke. He can't terminate his parental rights unless he's signing over to someone else to adopt. OR if the state persued it because he was an unfit parent.Which he's not. Just a d!ck. So all communication has now stopped & WILL. She's getting my last name. End of story. If he wants to come to court, he can bring it. He wont get custody. So even if they force me to change her name or hyphenate, as long as i have custody, I'll deal with it.

Thanks ladies.

FerreraRocher

BostonGayGal:

He can't just opt to sign over rights. He will remain financially responsible. It may affect his choice to pursue visitation, but he is clearly such a twatforbrains that I would resist any urge to give in. If you are raising the child the child should have your last name. PERIOD. 

Yep

 

Unknown

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mdotm0904

beccaga16:

Glda you are giving LO your name. If you have any of the crap he said in writing I would keep it in a file.

Yup i have all emails saved & ready to print if needed. I also have screen shots of all of our texts (including the latest where he issued the ultimatum & said the things about refusing to parent, etc). A friend of mine work as a court clerk & said that a judge allowed photos of texts on a phone to be admitted into evidence. So i'm just silently building my case

sweetie0228

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/47942015.aspx

 

I'm Sweetie, this is my list.  # 3 applies here.

 

 

 

mdotm0904

sweetie0228:

https://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/47942015.aspx

 

I'm Sweetie, this is my list.  # 3 applies here.

 

your whole list is amazing. definitely bookmarked! Thanks a lot!