Guilty-Vent

mspano929

I went a saw a laywer today.  I have nothing keeping me in the state of florida.  The dad doesn't think I am leaving and that I am just moving out and getting my own place.  This decision is making me sick to my stomach.  I feel so guilty for taking my son away from is father.  He is a great dad and loves his son.  I know that there is no way I can do this here without my family.  I have no support.  He has tons.  I want him to understand that this is for the best and I am only thinking about our son.

I keep going back and forth.  I plan to tell him the day I leave, which will be a weekend so he cannot go file an emergency order.  Am I a horrible person for doing this?  I have no problem with him seeing him and am not planning on keeping him from him.   

This whole situation sucks.  I wanted a family, and I wanted us.  I still do.  He is just to selfish and blind to see what he is losing 

BostonGayGal

Are you sure that you aren't doing this to be vindictive and make him want you back? How far away are you moving?

If he intends to be an active and involved parent, taking on actual responsibility of parenting and not just visits, what you are doing is pretty horrible.  

mspano929

I am not doing this to be mean or vindictive.  I have NO family and NO support down here.  If I stayed then my child for be put in day care (which I have no problem doing) but if I move to to where my family is, he wouldn't have to be.  I need help getting back on my feet.  I am currently I stay at home mom.  I don't want to live of the state.  I want a better life for my son.  I could go back to school and also there are more job opps.  I am afraid that if he has him then he would put alot of the feed/bathing and changing on his 15 year old daughter.  He has done it before.  

Raspberry807

I think some of your reasons for wanting to leave are valid, but fleeing the state without telling him is cruel in my opinion and you should feel guilty.  Can't you just discuss all of that with him?  Develop a parenting plan with him and keep him involved if he's a good dad and you really want to do what is best for your son.

mspano929

I would be telling him but if I gave him a a weeks notice then he could go to the court and file.  Then I would be stuck here until the judge says otherwise.  This is the toughest situation I have ever been in.  He is holding so much over my head.  The home, the car (its in his name), and its what he wants.  He doesn't want to go to court, he doesn't want to get a lawyer.  He wants my son every other week for a week.  I asked him if we could do a week split and he said that it was not convient for him.  He wants DS on the week he has his other daughter so she can "help" him.  I am so frustrated, hurt, confused, angry, and sad that I can't think straight.

BostonGayGal

"I went a saw a laywer today.  I have nothing keeping me in the state of florida."

Ummm, yes you do.  You have a child with a man who is a "great dad" and who wants to be an equal parent and you think it is okay to just up and steal the child?  How do you think the court/judge will react towards your trickery if he files immediately after you leave?  Did your attorney talk to you about what the court will do? I don't know the specifics of your state law, but if your lawyer didn't discuss with you the legal consequences if you leave and he files, your lawyer is leading you astray. 

No question, your concerns and fears about not having a support system are real. (Yet you criticize his wanting his daughter to be able to help him and I don't understand why this is necessarily a problem.) If he has a ton of supportive family, the two of you might need to look to them for support.

You are going to have to co-parent this child together for the next 20 years.  If you flee, your son will eventually find out from the father that you stole him away as a baby. Sure, it may not be a big deal, but chances are the child will want to go live permanently with his father out of teenage angst and anger. You will probably both be at the child's graduations and wedding. You need to start working out how the two of you can make this work NOW. Both of you need a say in it. You need to take responsibility and get your own lawyer, work out a parenting schedule that allows you to work, and start building a support system now. Or, you can show him the wisdom of your plan, and somehow get him to agree.  

I don't think any of your options sound good, but I don't think you can run away from this mess and expect it to stay behind you. I am sure you think I am awful, but there is a reason you feel guilty about this decision. It will have major consequences for a very long time to come.