Would you say something?

Jodi&Joe

So Joe went away to a race this weekend in VA.  When he got home, he was showing me pics on his phone.  I went to his texts, because I wanted to see how many he sent me (which was a disgusting amount) and I was teasing him about texting me so much while he was gone.  He had deleted all of the days prior.  No big deal - but he NEVER does that (and the reason I know that is because I've previously teased him about having over 1000 text messages on his phone and told him how to clean them up).

Anyway, because he deleted them, I was intrigued.  Why did he delete them?  So today, being a snoopy pants, while he was in having his eye checked out, he had left his phone with Joey.  I looked at his sent items (he's not clever enough to delete those).

There is a message there to a girl he plays poker with.  No big deal -- they text sometimes.  And I can't see what she said -- these are only the ones sent to her.  One of them was "Don't get too wet.  Let T get you wet!"  (T is her husband).  Then there was one after that saying "I know you are with J!" and then one after that that said "U got your wish."  Again, I can't fill in the blanks because I don't have those messages.

I find it a tad inappropriate to be talking to her about her getting wet.  But part of me is like "eh, he followed it up by saing let T get you wet" so clearly he is telling her to revert back to her husband (but WHY?!).  Anyway, I'm not sure if I should say something or just let it go.

Part of me wants to be really sarcastic and demeaning and say "Next time you delete your messages, you might want to make sure you delete the sent ones too!" and see where it goes.  Part of me is like "you shouldn't have seen it anyway, it's not a huge deal and just let it go!"

Not sure I can let it go though.  I am, by admission, an insanely jealous person when it comes to any kind of flirting/inappropriate talk outside of my immediate circle.

 

[Poll]

ppants

Did you have any concerns prior to seeing these messages?  What are you going to say...."so I was snooping in your phone"?  I'd keep an eye and ear out and if it bothers you then bring up the present concerns. 

Jodi&Joe

mrs_sexy:

Did you have any concerns prior to seeing these messages?  What are you going to say...."so I was snooping in your phone"?  I'd keep an eye and ear out and if it bothers you then bring up the present concerns. 

Eh -- sort of prior concerns.  When he first started seeing her, there was concern.  But then I actually met her, she has been to my house a few times and I've seen them interact.  That squashed my concerns.  But then this.....eh, I don't know.  I'm going back and forth on it --- which leads me to believe that it's really probably nothing and I should just let it go.  But the psychotic part of me wants to tear in to him (and it's the week before my period so that doesn't help)!

j-w

I voted yes...mainly because of what you've been posting he's been saying to you lately...about not feeling loved, etc.  Those 2 things in combination with one another kind of put up a red flag for me.  So, yeah, I'd call him on it.  Let him stew for once.

JellymanKelly

Do you have access to the phone bill? If it were me, I'd look to see who he was texting. If certain unfamiliar numbers pop up often and at odd times (like late at night or when he's not with you), then I'd say something.

JOEBunny

I would say something.  They could have been texting about watering the lawn or a joke from something they talked about previously.  I would not jump right to dirty, but that is just me.  I don't txt people much either, so maybe I am dense in that regard.  I don't really see it as snooping.  I don't look at DHs email or phone much, but I have looked at it before to find something and if I saw something odd, I would have no problem saying, "What up with that?"

buffalo_buckeye

JellymanKelly:

Do you have access to the phone bill? If it were me, I'd look to see who he was texting. If certain unfamiliar numbers pop up often and at odd times (like late at night or when he's not with you), then I'd say something.

This exactly. Since you now should know her number you can figure out how often they are texting. If it is a lot then I would be more likely to think something is going on. If it's just a couple texts I would think it's harmless.

Jodi&Joe

JOEBunny:

I would say something.  They could have been texting about watering the lawn or a joke from something they talked about previously.  I would not jump right to dirty, but that is just me.  I don't txt people much either, so maybe I am dense in that regard.  I don't really see it as snooping.  I don't look at DHs email or phone much, but I have looked at it before to find something and if I saw something odd, I would have no problem saying, "What up with that?"

Oh no, it was no doubt sexual in nature.  He followed it up with "let T get you wet!"  That's her husband!  I just wish I knew what it was in reference too.

I will say, if I was a betting woman, she said something about the race making her wet.  She was SO jealous that he got to go and made him call her when the engines started so she could hear it.  I'm sure she probably said "I'm wet!" in reference to that.  But it's just inappropriate.  He would, for sure, flip.his.lid if a guy ever texted me "I'm hard!"

buffalo_buckeye

Oh and the woman I know who is cheating on her husband...she and her boyfriend text all.the.time and they talk about each others spouses all the time too (and not talking bad about them, just in general conversation), so I don't see that as a harmless conversation just bc the husband was mentioned. Nor do I think it is suspicious, but it would make me wonder why they are being deleted, and that's why I would check the phone bill to find out how often they are chatting.

Jodi&Joe

I don't have access to the phone bill -- it's thru his business.  Not that I care to go that far.  This weekend, while he was gone, he texted her maybe 5 times.  So it's not the frequency I'm concerned about. 

I guess I should just say something since it is bothering me....but I don't really know that I should be bothered by it, kwim?

Zenya

I would be pissed if DH was texting any woman about being wet or whatever. No matter what the context.  

How to approach it though... IDK.  Maybe a wait and see is best.  Sorry you're going through this.  I'd be sick.  

Of course I am also hormonally 9 mos pregnant. 

Jodi&Joe

Ugh - I just went to say something and backed out.  Damn it.

I'm not sure how to start the conversation without setting the tone to be a fight.  Because I want to be condescending about it!  (That's how I defend myself!) 

I was going to say "Do you think it's appropriate for me to text with another guy about him being hard?"

Then I was thinking "So, why were you texting with T about her being wet?"

Then I was going to take the honest approach "I was snooping through your phone since I was curious as to why you deleted all your texts and found the text between you and T about her being wet!" And seeing what he said.

UGH!  I don't like this one bit. 

Why do I feel guilty for saying something?  I don't feel guilty for snooping. AT ALL!  If he wanted to go through my phone, my FB messages/statuses, my Nest messages or any of the like -- be my guest!  I do feel like I shouldn't be saying something -- like it's no big deal and I'm making it something way more than it is.

UGH!

shopgirl_07

Might as well just be honest with him. Don't accuse him but just tell him what you found and how you feel. And apologize for going through his phone.

Jodi&Joe

I should also add, he has poker tonight.  (So will see her).

Should I say something now or wait until tomorrow?  He leaves in about 2 hours to go.

j-w

I think the honest approach by you would get an honest response out of him.

grja

If you say something now about snooping through his phone, chances are if he has something to hide he'll just now realize how to 'hide' it. So, probably not the best approach but i'd wait and snoop more. Hopefully you'll find out that you have NOTHING to worry about.

Jodi&Joe

I said something.  It was totally innocent although he gets my point (about it being inappropriate).  He pulled the whole "what you don't trust me" card and I responded with "You don't ever delete your texts.  You go away for a weekend and delete them.  Yes, I was suspicious!"

Eh, whatever.  He said I was right.  (Of course he did).

I don't feel much better.

So many marriages/relationships around us have been ending lately.  A lot of cheating and insecurities, etc.  I think it's just making me a bit hypersensitive.  I tend to be naive and I don't want to be taken advantage of because of that!

michelcreek

I personally would say exactly what you suggest, lol, tell him if he's going to delete his texts, he should also delete his sent ones...and see where it goes.  If he's not ever going to do anything he at least knows he can't be so obvious about innocent flirting without telling you even after the fact.  I think it's innocent, but he should fess up if it's so innocent.

DandelionMom

I wouldn't just say something -- I'd throw the phone and maybe a tantrum.  But that's probably not the most mature way to handle something like this. 

Jodi&Joe

DandelionMom:

I wouldn't just say something -- I'd throw the phone and maybe a tantrum.  But that's probably not the most mature way to handle something like this. 

Ok this?  THIS made me feel better! 

thank you!

ABizzity

If you have a gut feeling something is going on then def say something.  If you completely trust your DH then saying what you suggested will make you look and sound like a crazy person.  I snoop sometimes but I keep it to myself.  /closet crazy person.  LOL

mlc92404

What was his reason, when you two talked, for deleting the texts?

Jodi&Joe

Oh, the deleting....he said when he went to his inbox, it would sometimes skip to the bottom and the only way to correct that was to scroll all the way through all the messages to get back to the top.  I know what he is talking about (as I have done it myself).  So totally innocent and coincidental (and I believe him).

GettinNervous

As a divorced person who went through something similar, I'd say something.

DandelionMom

Jodi&Joe:

DandelionMom:

I wouldn't just say something -- I'd throw the phone and maybe a tantrum.  But that's probably not the most mature way to handle something like this. 

Ok this?  THIS made me feel better! 

thank you!

I just asked DH.  He said he'd fully expect me to not only throw the phone but to aim at his head. 

crazynervous

Honestly, I wouldn't say anything right now but I would keep checking his messages over the next few weeks to see if anything else comes up.

summerbrideDC

I would be completely horrified to read texts by my husband to a woman about her getting wet, even if it was in relation to her own husband.  That, to me, is so graphically sexual & inappropriate, I agree w/ Dandelionmom--I'd be throwing his phone at his head and demanding explanations. 

cooker71

summerbrideDC:

I would be completely horrified to read texts by my husband to a woman about her getting wet, even if it was in relation to her own husband.  That, to me, is so graphically sexual & inappropriate, I agree w/ Dandelionmom--I'd be throwing his phone at his head and demanding explanations. 

Yeah. This. 

justEK

cooker71:

summerbrideDC:

I would be completely horrified to read texts by my husband to a woman about her getting wet, even if it was in relation to her own husband.  That, to me, is so graphically sexual & inappropriate, I agree w/ Dandelionmom--I'd be throwing his phone at his head and demanding explanations. 

Yeah. This. 

Yep. This. No way could I move on quietly feeling comfortable with this.

cnybride2be

cooker71:

summerbrideDC:

I would be completely horrified to read texts by my husband to a woman about her getting wet, even if it was in relation to her own husband.  That, to me, is so graphically sexual & inappropriate, I agree w/ Dandelionmom--I'd be throwing his phone at his head and demanding explanations. 

Yeah. This. 

i'm here.

and i wouldn't be all casual and polite about it either.

although i think said woman was getting wet over hearing race cars and not your man joe.

(ok i'm just going to say this here she gets wet over race cars-shares this in texts with other pp's husbands AND does poker night with the boys -yeah i would not be encouraging that friendship). 

Jodi&Joe

Oh yes, CNY, you know the type! 

She goes out with other guys, without her husband, to places like the casino, etc.  She has pics on FB of her with other guys hugging, etc.

Yea, not cool.

I'm LIVID today.  Not sure why it didn't hit me until today but um, yea....actually, I'm more ticked off that he thought so little of my inquiry that he still went to poker last night.  And then said "It's going to be an early night" on his way out.  Um, he got home after midnight -- not sure what time as I fell asleep. 

Never would have thought I would be having a conversation like this with him but this is NOT going to end good.  For him, at least.

xbrooklyngrl

What did he say was the context of the rest of the "wet" conversation?

Jodi&Joe

He was saying "Are the race cars getting you wet?" 

Totally inappropriate conversation to be having.  I said to him "How would you feel if I called R and said "Hey, is the Harley noise getting you hard?"  And then, on the day you find the text, go hang out at a local place where R is.  How would that make you feel?

Likeshit.  Just how I feel.

It's not even the text that is really irking me. I mean, that's the start of it.  It's that he doesn't THINK about me and my feelings.  He should have stayed home last night.  Instead, he went about his day like I hadn't just found a text to another woman about her "getting wet" (regardless of context!)!!  It's just a continued battle that we have.  I just don't feel like he respects me enough.  I know he loves me.  To his core.  And I know he does respect me -- he just has a REALLY crappy way of showing it (or better yet, not showing it).

He wants to go to counseling because he says I haven't been happy with him for a couple of months now and he thinks he should just leave. That I could do better than him.  You know, the whole manipulative "woe is me" crap.

ARGH!

xbrooklyngrl

You guys should go. IMO he seems like he is always trying or willing to try and honestly, thats a lot more than a lot of men I know. We all have our something but it seems he is willing to fix it.

Jodi&Joe

xbrooklyngrl:

You guys should go. IMO he seems like he is always trying or willing to try and honestly, thats a lot more than a lot of men I know. We all have our something but it seems he is willing to fix it.

"Maybe you're just like my mother....she's never satisfied!"  - Prince, Purple Rain

My life all wrapped up nicely in a song, tied with a bow! 

xbrooklyngrl

One of my favorite songs!

None of us are ever satisfied

AggieCouple

Response deleted.  

Oh sh*t.  Sorry.  For some reason, not all the responses loaded and my response was much too late.

Jodi&Joe

Great song - makes me emotional! 

I don't know how to deal with this crap.  I really don't.  Not in a healthy way anyway.  Right now, I just want to say "eff it" and pretend it never happened because I don't know any other way....so just brush it off.  Let it go.  Move on.  And then feel like this AGAIN in just another month. 

I don't know.  Based on his recent texts, I think HE is giving up.  I can't say I blame him.  I'm not the easiest to deal with! 

*smh* I'm really just lost at the moment.

Zenya

I don't feel like it's that big a deal that he went to poker.  although I don't really know why I say that b/c I think the text is a HUGE deal.

So I didn't want to not comment but I think I'm too pregnant to offer anything constructive. 

Jodi&Joe

Thanks Z! 

I mean, what do I do with this....he sends me a text that says "I try to make you happy but it doesn't work. I never want to hurt you.  I love you more than anything in the world.  That's why I would leave so you don't have to deal with me!"

*gulp*

and now I feel like a heel and I'm crying at work!  EFF!  But does he say that to manipulate me or do I take it at face value?  ARGH ARGH ARGH GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD JODI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AggieCouple

1.  I wouldn't feel comfortable with my H having that type of friend.  It's not about trust, but about boundaries, and this woman obviously has none and does not respect those of others.  

2.  I would tell H this.  I know no one likes to say these things, because we don't want to come across as possessive, but screw it.  If that's how you feel, that's how you feel, and you should be able to express these things to your husband, and have him respect those feelings.

I'm very much like you when it comes to trying to get H to help around the house or with the kids.  I just hate being a nag, so I stew and post about it on here  But once I finally get up the gumption to say something, he responds immediately, and I feel so much better, about him and about us.  So get some gumption!   Speak your mind.

If you didn't actually come out and ask him to skip poker, I don't think it's a big deal that he went.  Men just don't get it, sometimes.