Cincinnati Babies
Options

Urrrgh. I just had the talk with DH

about stopping our TTC efforts.  It did NOT go well.  How old is too old?  Just curious.  Is 41 too old?  He does not want to stop yet, and he is 10 years older than me.  I am scared we wont have a retirement when our kids are on their own.  WDYT?  But DD having a sibling near her age is a good thing.   And kids truly do keep you young.

FYI...and way TMI....DH is now playing every inspirational youtube vid he can find to convince me to STFU and get in bed.  LOL. Not happening..damn AF. 

When do you stop?  29 cycles?  I want to be the old lady breakfasting in Florida and hitting the beach one day.

 

 

 

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers

Re: Urrrgh. I just had the talk with DH

  • Options

    My mom had me a few months before her 41st birthday. And I was baby #8. My closest sibling is 4-yrs older than me.

    I think you stop when you feel like stopping. But stopping just b/c of a number is stupid. You don't know the future. You may live to be 90 and healthy. You may not make it through tomorrow. You may not get a retirement whether or not you have more kids. Your kids may not outlast you to your retirement. Live for now while you're in now.

  • Options
    I think that is a question for you and him to decide. I think it is not about a number but a mindset/feeling you have about the process of TTC. Is the number being used as a way out bc you are just burnt out from TTC? Is it bc you feel ready to stop TTC?
  • Loading the player...
  • Options

    I don't think 41 is to old at all...my Aunt had a baby at 43!

    For me personally, if I really wanted another child I don't think I'd stop until it came true...whether that was trying all means possible to get pregnant on my own, or through adoption.  If I wanted a child, I'd do whatever it took. 

     

  • Options
    Honestly, I think you stop when you want to. I don't think it has anything to do with a number unless you want it to. If you really feel your family will not be complete without another LO, then I say keep trying. Personally, DH and I have decided no more after I turn 35. Like I said, that's what we have decided will be best for our family. Now, I'm only 30 so talk to me when I'm closer to 35 and see if I've changed my mind. Wink
  • Options

    The number of cycles is meaningful only if it is meaningful to you. As you know there is no magic # of cycles nor is there a magical age as to when the door closes. Heck, these days menopause isn't even a barrier if some of the shows on Discovery are to be believed. You are finished when you are finished because you've chosen to be finished or because in your heart you feel it is time to move on. (Note I wrote "feel" not "know" it is time to move on. I think a decision like this will always be one that leaves you to wonder "what if").

    I think you know you're finished with something if you ask yourself "In 6 months, 5 years, 2 decades, etc when I reflect back on this decision will I regret the choice I made or will I reflect back and say I gave it everything I had to give at the time and I accept the road I traveled." Meaning, make the decision because after reflection and thought you believe it to be the right decision and you are ready and prepared to close that chapter of your life. Do not make the decision just to escape the pain and disappointment of the present situation.  

    As much as I understand the desire behind the sentiment of doing whatever it takes to get what you want, I don't know that I agree with that as a responsible way to go through life. The reality is that IF costs money - and lots of it. As does adoption. And so does retirement. And so does providing for one's family. There is only so much money to go around. Pushing forward with no consideration to the financial consequences is not a wise path, imo. Sometimes financial constraints keep us from having and doing all that we would like.

    I am sorry you've found yourself in such a painful and difficult place. And I am doubly sorry that you and H are not in agreement as to the next step. I wish you guys lots of luck, patience, love, and compassion in deciding how to go forward. I will be thinking of you both. 

    Lilypie Fifth Birthday tickers Lilypie Third Birthday tickers
  • Options

    I agree with pp, it is not about a number. I think, or hope that you know when the time is right to stop. I am turning 40 in 10 days, and not looking forward to it especially because of TTC. I just talked to my Dr. today about some testing, but I am not sure how far we are willing to go with that (financially & emotionally). I know we are both not ready to stop yet, we just do not feel complete as a family. It makes me sad to think of DD not having a sibling. The journey is such a crazy mix of emotions.  IMO I think it is time when you both feel ready to stop, not the #.

    I am sorry you are faced with such a difficult decision. Prayers for you and your DH in coming to a decision that works for both of you.

    imageLilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
  • Options

    There's no rule that says once you stop, you can never start trying again - at least until your body declares that the case. Maybe you can compromise her by stopping for 3-4 months, wearing that decision for a minute, and then revisiting the topic.

  • Options
    Left HugRight Hug  Virtual zombie hugs coming your way!  I will be thinking of you as you decide what is best for you and your family.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPicLilypie Kids Birthday tickersLilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • Options
    I'm probably no help but It's me that is the one that doesn't want to 'shut the baby factory down', DH is 42 this year and although we agreed to wait 2 years and try one more time I think he is hoping I change my mind before then.  We tried for 6 years before DS2 arrived soI guess as long as you both want it,there really is no limit?
    DH - 42 Me - 36 DS1 -15 DS2 - 3 DD - 1
  • Options

    I'm sorry this has been such a long road for you. H and I are in opposite positions because he is older than I am. He always said that he wanted to be done by 40 and well, that didn't happen for us. We had to have a serious conversation and see where we were going to go. He's afraid becuase of his age and family history that his child will be fatherless at a young age. I am still younger and having a family is my #1 top priority. It was either we do this, or we go our seperate ways. There wasn't really a middle ground in my eyes. We did make a compromise sort of and put a time on when we would throw in the towel. Not only because of age, but because for me the TTC and all the Dr. visits etc  were just getting to be overwhelming.

    Maybe the 2 of you can come to a decision on when you will call it quits and move on to adoption or nothing at all. I know you have talked about meeting with an RE, have you done that? Even if you just do a consult, it may at least give you additional information and then the 2 of you can make a decission on where to go from there. It's rough when struggling to TTC, I know, and I am so sorry that you are having such issues.

    To answer your question though, I personally do not think age should play a factor in your choice. Some people live to be 100, others live to be 20, you never really know!

    6/28/10: Lost our sweet baby Addyston at 18wk 1day to pPROM 7/24/11: Michael William born at 24wk 2d due to IC after an emergent cerclage at 18wks, 4wk home BR and 2 weeks hospital BR. Grow strong our little Miracle! 9/17/11: Michael joined his sister in heaven after 8 amazing weeks with us on earth. He fought a very hard fight but NEC was too much for him in the end. Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Pregnancy tickers
  • Options

    I wish there were good answers to this question.  I like everyone else's take on it, especially nota's.  There's really nothing that says you can't stop for a while and see how that feels, and then start again if you feel that isn't the path you really want to take.

    I gave myself until 45 to have kids and things worked out for the better.  I love those two boys so much and wouldn't give one of them back for anything in this world, but I will say that I have a lot of anxiety about being an older parent for so many reasons.  I'm afraid that we won't have the energy to keep up with them when they are young, the energy to keep up with their schedules when they get in school, that they will be embarrassed that their parents are so much older than those of their friends.........other things too, like they won't have the benefit of having their grandparents around for long in their lives and I'm worried that we won't get to enjoy our own grandchildren for very long.  The extension to this obviously is that our carefree retirement years will probably not come for us early with our kids only having reached adulthood around the same time.  I never thought about things like that until after they were already here.  That's not to say that it would have changed my mind about having them, but I do wish I had considered it more.

    I'm here if you ever want to talk or vent.  I didn't have a huge infertility struggle, but I do understand the age factor.  Good luck sorting through it.  Your DH sounds like a wonderful man and I'm sure the two of you will arrive at the right decision for both of you and the rest of your family.

     

    Justin Thomas joined us on 8.4.07
    Tyler Anthony arrived on 9.21.09
    imageimage
    imageimage
    The Chronicles of Justin and Tyler
  • Options

    Thanks for all of the insight.  This is one of those things that I can't just discuss with IRL friends, because they don't understand it.  So I knew bringing it here would be a great way to get some advice.

    I don't know why I am taking it so hard this cycle.  It really just hit me like a brick this time around.  Add in nasty hormones, and I just didn't feel like I wanted to move onward with it.  I have some time to think about it, and decide.  I am not at all concerned about our ages right now, but I wonder about having rowdy teens in the house when we want to be retired and traveling. That is a scary thought, but teenagers suck no matter how young or old you are when you have one festering in your home.  Stick out tongue  I think I just overreacted to the BFN, and was trying to scare myself out of thinking about another cycle.  And it worked quite well.

    I appreciate all of your advice and insight.  You all gave me some great things to think about.

    Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Lilypie Fourth Birthday tickers
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards
"
"