ASD preschool age- what to do about rigidity?

MirandaHobbes

DS (3yo) is developing some very rigid habits. DH and I are creatures of habit- we wake at the same time, dressed, out the door to work, etc, like clockwork every day. DH gets DS dressed while I get ready and pack DS' lunch for the day. I've tried to intervene and help occasionally with DS but he has gotten to the point that he will yell at me if I even come into his bedroom in the morning. ("Get out, Mom!" "No Mama, go away, want Dad!"- ugh break my heart) I am in my busy season of work and work late (past DS' bedtime) almost every other day. So he's used to DH feeding him dinner, bathing, put to bed, etc. (yes I know my DH rocks!) Last night I came home early for once and DS was so thrown off he hid from me and cried whenever I got near him. (he was back to normal after an hour or so).

So my question is: is there anything we can do to loosen this behavior? I asked DS' dev. pedi and he just told me to make a picture chart of when I was going to dress DS versus when DH would dress him. Is this the only way?  We obviously can't do this all the time, like the days I come home early from work unexpectedly. I totally understand his need for a schedule and routine, but I know there are other things that we do randomly that he handles just fine. For example, on the weekends it's whoever wakes up first who goes down to wake up DS, dress and feed him. He's totally fine with this. Our weekends are very unstructured and he rolls with the punches with whatever we do. Sometimes I'll just dress him while he's yelling and crying and kicking at me, thinking he'll eventually get the point that both Mom and Dad dress him. Is this a good strategy?

TinyPinkBug

Does he go to a special school or have a special instruction teacher you can ask for ideas from?  I have found that if we give my son a little lead it and call give it a special name when something is out of the ordinary, it helps.  Like you could call your DH when coming home early, and DH could approach your DS with a smile and tell him it is Special Mommy Home at snack time day or something like that. 

bugmommy

Ahh, you are describing my older DS.  Actually my DH as well, but maybe that's a different post.  We do the deliberate sabotage, although I didn't know that's what I was doing when I started it, I just couldn't handle another minute of HAVING to put on shoes before brushing our teeth or the world would fall off it's axis.  DS is now almost 5 is actually quite flexible with the types of things you are talking about. He doesn't love it, but he tolerates it.

I do find that warning him something will be different quite effective.  So if I'm taking him to school the next day instead of DH who usually does it, I mention it several time a few days before.  He might still say "no, I want daddy" but there is no freak out the morning of.  I think the visual schedule can help some in the beginning and have tried one with my DS, primarily because everyone kept telling me I needed one.  It helped me most with getting DS though something he didn't want to do.  So if he didn't want to go to the store, I could show him we go to the store and then the park.  He could see we weren't going to live in the store and were going to do something fun afterward.  I hardly ever use one except for really big things like traveling out of town to visit family.

MirandaHobbes

These are great ideas- thank you! I hate to be the wife that blames everything on her DH (especially when he's seriously so helpful!!) but he's absolutely reinforcing DS' rigid routines. Case in point- breakfast bars. DS wants a breakfast bar every morning before he'll get out of bed. So DH gives him one while he takes his shower. DH's thinking is: we have 30 minutes to get out the door I just want to keep things moving. I love that I'm not a mean mom for sabatoging; this week I "forgot" to buy breakfast bars on my weekly grocery run. I think DH was more upset than DS. Our doctor told us that DH and I having very "boring" predictable lives is good for DS because it'll reduce his anxiety. But I do disagree with that on multiple levels because he has to be ready for life outside our house.  We've tried a social story but DS isn't there yet- he thought it was just a really boring book, lol (it was about how we hold hands in parking lots because he hates holding hands and wants to run off in parking lots).

I think reminding him often of schedule changes is something I need to get better at; and I also like making it a special thing like "Special Mommy Home Early Time!" would click with him. Also I have to get DH on board. Fun. Thanks!