Advice needed: cousin divorce

jenuine

A cousin is filing for divorce. They have been married for 15 years, have 2 pre-teen girls. We see them 2 times a year, but were much closer when we were little.

He moved out last weekend and she's filing for divorce. They are super strict religious so this is a HUGE deal in my family. No idea what happened since it was so recent, but he must have screwed up big time.

Here is the question: The wife is one of my favorite people. She is going to be a huge loss to our family. I can't imagine a holiday without her. Do I write to her and tell her how much I am going to miss her, that I will be thinking of her in this tough time and wish her well? I hate that I am not going to get to say good bye. Divorce stinks!!

madhatter2003

I would....she probably feels very isolated and it would be nice to hear from family that you still support her and want a relationship with her kids, etc.

 

sju

I am sorry your family is going through this.  Right now is a tough time but do you think she might be open to see you when you visit? 

I have not been in the situation but I would still try to keep some type of communication. Of course, as much as she would let me.  I love my brother very much and it would hurt me a LOT if I could not see my SIL again.

ETA 2 (I can't type today): Clicked post too soon.  I would write but I would not say goodbye. KWIM? I would offer support.

lmdbww

I think that is a really nice thing to do. I would contact her.

FloF9

That's 15 years of being part of someone's life, so I wouldn't stop talking to her or seeing her at all.  Call her.

madhatter2003

Yeah, I'd add/clarify that just because they divorce doesn't mean you have to stop seeing her/being a part of her life. I mean, I assume at the minimum they will co-parent the kids so you'll still be involved there (high school graduations, etc).

Just because he is your blood relation doesn't mean that she should be dropped out of your 'family', KWIM.

kyfirewife

madhatter2003:

I would....she probably feels very isolated and it would be nice to hear from family that you still support her and want a relationship with her kids, etc.

 

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Army vs Navy

kyfirewife:

madhatter2003:

I would....she probably feels very isolated and it would be nice to hear from family that you still support her and want a relationship with her kids, etc.

 

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Ditto

KathrynMD

I would call or write to her and continue your relationship.  Obviously, it'll be a little tricky to manage, but you should still be able to maintain a relationship. 

vmm0016

My mom went through this with my dad and we (my mom and I) fly out to see my dad's relatives once a year.  We are all closer to her than my dad.  Anyway, I say keep the friendship!

dmoreilly

We went through something similar when my uncle's wife filed for divorce. They had been married 20 years. She is still part of our lives remotely (we live in WA she in CA). We exchange emails, Christmas cards, are friends on Facebook to keep in touch. We understand why the divorce was necessary and that we still love and want her to be part of our lives. Most of the family is this way toward her and that hasn't changed eventhough they divorced close to 10 years ago.

KathrynMD

My MIL's brother divorced his 1st wife 20+ years ago - my MIL still talks to her reguarly, she came to my wedding, she comes to all teh family events, etc.  Wife #2 (who he's been married to for 18 years) comes too and everyone's polite, etc. but she's never been close to MIL.

baby4dee

KathrynMD:

I would call or write to her and continue your relationship.  Obviously, it'll be a little tricky to manage, but you should still be able to maintain a relationship. 

This totally! In my family, we usually maintain relationships with the divorced spouse especially when there are kids involved and when the marriage was a long one. It seems cruel to just cut someone off. They still get invited to big family gatherings. Every once in a while things get awkward when a new spouse is introduced but we always make it work.

Iblamethebeer

Just curious -- why are you so confident that he is the party in the wrong?

I definitely think you should keep up friendly relations with the mother of your relatives, no matter what, but if you don't know the backstory and it's possible your cousin is going to be fighting for custody, you might want to word your email carefully (i.e. not including any "we know you're a great mom who always puts her kids first" statements).

I don't know anything about divorce/custody law, but I would just be a little nervous about finding yourself as a witness against your own cousin....

jenuine

Iblamethebeer:

Just curious -- why are you so confident that he is the party in the wrong?

He's chauvinistic and verbally abusive. There is a lot more, but I don't want to get into their laundry on a public forum. I am very surprised she hung in there this long. Goes to show what a giving, forgiving, selfless person she really is.

I wrote her a note this afternoon. Thanks ladies!

snickerdoodle27

I would. Divorce is never easy and I'm sure she could really use the support.