DH just brokedown..need some help

BabyMarek

Alright so my DH and I went to go see our friends that just had a lil girl. They were at the same hospital that we were in for the first pregnancy, then they were across the hall from where we were when we found out no HB.  I got choked up but once I got to hold that lil girl I just had a overwhelming feeling that everything is ok and I will be doing this really soon. My DH thou didnt want to hold her, he said it was cause he was sick but I knew something was wrong.

We got home and he asked if I knew what really happened after they were done doing the csection. I assumed they brought my son to get cleaned up and then who ever wanted to see him could. But instead they had my husband hold him right away well they messed with me because I was having alot of complications. He spent the whole time with him well I was in ICU, then when I was sleeping he went to the house to pack up the nursery by himself. He just broke down and said how he felt last night and he felt guilty because I got upset. But I told him I was happy I had such a great DH and that I was upset because of just that he had to do all that himself.

He has told me a few times how he feels but he feels bad that I get depressed. He always is trying to keep strong for me and others. Yet he is just worried he might get to upset and see flash backs of that day when our daughter is born in a few weeks. He knows he will love his lil girl but doesnt know if he can hold her when she is here. I told him it will be hard and that if he cant talk to me then talk to his mom.  I just want to know if any of your DHs felt the same way .

Im thinking in my head how it isnt fair that he thinks he went threw worse then I did that day. But I can see how he feels that way because even his best friends asked how I was doing first and then saying its ok to him.  He had buddies tell him "I know what you are going threw my grandma just passed away" . I knida wish he got some help or to talk to some people about what he went threw a dad.  I love him so much but I feel helpless that I cant help him right now. Then im scared if he cant hold her because of flash backs.

Roxyroodle

I think that it must be hard to be a DH and lose a baby and have a wife go through a major surgery and then there is the whole has to stay strong and be a man and all that sort of thing. I know my DH was pretty traumatized by the whole thing. he talked about the flashbacks too.

I think that he probably feels a little lost and alone and maybe seeing a counselor or even your ob on his own and talking about it might help.

The fact is that he may have issues holding her in the hospital and that is ok and it might help if you tell him that you understand that it is hard and just give him permission to do what he feels he needs to do, and even knowing that you are ok if he can't deal with it in the hospital might be enough that he will want to hold her and if he can't hold her in the hospital it doesn't mean that he isn't going to bond with or not fall in love with your baby it just might take going home and a little more time for him to feel comfortable with it all which is ok.

 

BabyMarek

Thanks so much reading this helped

Karen1998

Roxyroodle:

I think that it must be hard to be a DH and lose a baby and have a wife go through a major surgery and then there is the whole has to stay strong and be a man and all that sort of thing. I know my DH was pretty traumatized by the whole thing. he talked about the flashbacks too.

I think that he probably feels a little lost and alone and maybe seeing a counselor or even your ob on his own and talking about it might help.

The fact is that he may have issues holding her in the hospital and that is ok and it might help if you tell him that you understand that it is hard and just give him permission to do what he feels he needs to do, and even knowing that you are ok if he can't deal with it in the hospital might be enough that he will want to hold her and if he can't hold her in the hospital it doesn't mean that he isn't going to bond with or not fall in love with your baby it just might take going home and a little more time for him to feel comfortable with it all which is ok.

 

I agree with all of this and couldn't have said it better.  Big ((((hugs)))).

tctibbe

My mom had a still-born at 40 weeks when I was about 8 years old.  After my loss last year, I talked to my parents about their loss and what they went through.  My Dad said that he spent an entire week trying to be strong for my Mom.  Doing the same kinds of things your DH did for you - cleaning up the nursery, taking care of us, and not breaking down in front of my mom to be strong.  He said a week after the burial he went to the cemetary and cried over the headstone for like 30-minutes.  He said he didn't have time to grieve b/c he had to take care of everyone (my mom just wasn't capable at the time).  But when he did breakdown, it was hard.  It was a nice perspective because I didn't have any idea what went on at that time.  I know I was sad and that I lost a brother but I didn't understand what my parents, let alone my Dad, went through.  Your DH sound like an amazing man.   

rachelle2824

Do you have any groups in your area for people who have lost babies? Like Sharing Parents or another group? My husband found that talking to other men who have been through similar experiences was extremely helpful! Just a thought.

monica92603

I think of you often.  I cannot wait to hear good news in a couple of weeks!  I looked at your ticker and it's the same day that I delivered Gracie.  I say that is a good sign

Lots of prayers for strength for you and your H.