A behavior WWYD
mavs_girl07
member
DD has been really testing us recently. I'm going to give you a few examples of situations when I'm not sure what to do or where to draw the line. Please tell me what your response would be!
1. Tonight at dinner, she started banging her fork hard on the kitchen table. I warned her and said "That's not what we do with our fork. Stop banging or it goes away." So what did she do? Started lightly tapping it and looked right at me. I ignored it, and she slowly started to get louder and louder with it. Do I ignore it until it gets too loud? Or do I stop it right then and there since she's obviously testing me?
2. She's been on a hitting spree lately, and that's one thing she knows she gets an automatic time-out for. There are times I see it coming, and when she lifts her hand I warn her and say "Hitting will get you a time-out" and at that point she stops herself and lightly taps me. OR She stops herself and hits something right next to me instead (like the couch for example). Then she gives me this look like she thinks she outsmarted me or something. Do I ignore it since she didn't technically hit me?
I know she's testing my limits with these things, but these exact scenarios happen constantly and I'm not sure what to do about them. I'd love to hear what y'all would do/say.
Re: A behavior WWYD
I have to confess that your post actually made me laugh, only because my DD has done the EXACT same things!!! Especially with the hitting, look right at me and do that light tap. She did this to her baby sister (I have a 2 month old, which has been a huge adjustment) she was pretending/motioning to hit her and when I said to her "we don't hit!" she started to lightly tap the bouncy seat her sister was in and look at me. As you said, they are totally testing us. What seemed to work with my DD (in that instance anyway) is to completely ignore it. I told her "we don't hit" and then when she started the light tap thing I looked away from her and paid it no attention. I had a conversation with our pediatrician about some of her recent behaviors and he said that they are looking for ANY type of attention, positive or negative. So if it's a situation that you can ignore, they may tend to lose interest.
What works one week doesn't always work the next around here, but, ignoring her little "tests" seems to be our best chance right now!
#1 - Once the light tapping started I would remind DC "What did I say about banging your fork?" and if DC didn't stop then I would take the fork and explain that I said the fork was going away if you didn't stop and that's it. DC would not get the fork back during the meal.
#2 - I may be a little strict, but that would be a time-out in our house. That "outsmarting" thing happens with DS and I don't allow it.
DD does that with her fork, too. I'll tell her that it's very loud and I'd like her to stop that. Usually she does the same thing as your DD, she does it softer and quieter. At that point I usually tell her something like "that's it, nice and gently, not making any noise, that's how we do it, isn't it? It bothers people when it's too loud but we can do it nice and gently just like this" She's usually pretty happy with that and it rarely escalates beyond that. If it did, I would let her know that I'd need to take her fork away if she kept doing it loudly. And then I would take it away if she did it again.
I tend to do the same thing for hitting. I let her know that too hard really hurts and it's not a nice thing to do. I show her how to give gentle touches. She usually mimics the gentle touches and I give her a "that's the way to do it" which usually makes her quite proud.
Even if the test is a milder version of the unwanted behavior, I would address it especially if you verbally called her out for it first. If she taps her fork, take it if you told her you would for banging it. She's doing it to see if you will. As for the hitting, I would absolutely put her in time out for the tapping of you or hitting of furniture after you called her on it. DS does the same thing and he gets time out for it.
i guess i'm not in the norm, but we dont' do time-outs. have you tried making it playful instead? we have a MUCH better reaction to re-direction and playfulness as a form of stopping bad behavior. like for the fork thing, i might say "wow that fork can make a loud noise! we know forks are for eating - so let's see how high the fork can jump and then grab a piece of food!!" then ignore after that. (plus i think it's normal for kids to experiment with things that they KNOW are used for one purpose, but want to see what will happen if they do other things with them. we think it's normal curiosity, and i'd mostly ignore it unless we had company or were out to eat or something.)
the hitting thing is harder, we have that too, and i might say "you know we do not hit, that makes people feel hurt and sad. it seems like you have a lot of energy, so want to go bang on your drum or dance to music?" after that i just ignore until she comes to join me in one of those other activities. if i keep talking about it, she'll never stop doing it.
good luck... it's always interesting with these kids!
I think you have to outsmart her earlier.
She is predicting your ways. Gotta change it up on her...she is getting smart 
1. She banged, and you immediately turned it to a negative. And then the battle of the wills started. I don't think the reprimand is the best 1st response. There are a couple of options. Immediately ignore and one up her...so don't respond to the bang, but take it as a cue that she needs entertainment/interaction/an appropriate idea/a change of pace/etc. Maybe you could have immediately told her a story (with facial expressions and awesome anticipation) of what happened to DH at work, or plans for tomorrow, orsomething, and gotten her off of her topic/idea.
OR, initiate an appropriate game - let's name animals! and start it off.
OR take it as a cue that she is finished eating
OR kept the conversation going, engaging her in something else, and non-verbally/just touch her hand cue her to not make that noise...no threat of punishment, just help show her that it isn't cool and isn't going to get her anywhere - good attention nor punishment.
OR, a lot of people disagree with this one because they feel that they are "reinforcing the behavior," but respond to the banging in a playful way - crazy facial expression expressing that you can't believe she would do something that insane at the dinner table (but not mad - have fun) or a fun verbal correction, "oh my goodness, that is not okay!" (still with a smile and no negative emotion). She would likely then do it again a few times...simply to get your awesome fun response.. and that isn't the end of the world...and then after once or twice, you distract with something else, start talking to DH, or then gently tell her that she can do that in her play kitchen but not at the table (gasp! -still with a playful tone) and help her move on.
At 2 years old, there is no reason for something that benign to become a power struggle, IMO. That incident could have ended a lot quicker with one of the approaches mentioned above, and the tone could have stayed positive.
2. Call me crazy, but I think hitting = time out has increased the behavior. She is simply looking for a response. How about when she hits, you leave. She is hitting to get more attention/interaction..and a time out, or your annoyed facial expression, or your eye contact, or your warning is the interaction. Leaving her proximity is the opposite. Or doing nothing (while continuing with what you were doing pre-hit) is less of a response. Again, I know many people disagree and think that a hit should lead to immediate time out, but really all that is doing is showing the child the power that that behavior has. They have learned if TO is the immediate response to hitting (and it isn't for other behaviors), that hitting is a serious offense. Prior to all of the time out bit, it didn't have that much power. If it wasn't such a powerful behavior, they wouldn't bother using it.
Keep in mind that if you stop reinforcing hitting with a TO, you will experience an extinction burst - she will hit more as she is confused why TO/your response (the reinforcer has been removed) but once you get over that hump...by not responding...the hitting behavior will drop off significantly.
GL. She is getting smart!
My DD does this also. I would tell her that since she obviously doesn't know what a fork is for I will feed her with it, and hopefully tomorrow she will remember that a fork is to eat with. DD likes to do things herself so being fed is not her favorite thing.
LOL- aren't they clever? For me I always stop and remind myself how old my child is "What are you, 1/3???" Part of being a toddler is figuring out how people work. It's not easy stuff, we are a mercurial species. I'm glad she's doing it now and not when she's 5 or older- they don't have baby faces then and just look like brats, then!
1. With the fork- In our house the only time we are together as a family is dinner. We are kinda strict with manners (as much as their ages allow!) and pretty much tolerate no monkey business during dinner. Dinner is always social and light, but appropriate social behavior is expected.
If my DD did that, I might say to DH "I'm feeling happy today because the twins took a nap and I got to exercise! How bout you, Daddy? " And he would say "I feel__/because, How about you, Alex?" We do it honestly and not in baby/toddler-talk. Testing is a 3 yr old mode of communication. Typically if Ican get her to vocalize when she's testing, it wraps around frustration how something earlier in the day went down and I didn't even notice the incident at the time!
If she were unable to vocalize, I would likely give her the side eye when she tapped and tell her to watch it or I'd find some broccoli (or whatever yummy thing was on was on her plate) to put on that fork. And I might even be forced to put some dipdip (ranch dressing) on it. If that didn't work, I would remind her we're at the table and she can play after dinner. If that didn't work, I'd quietly replace her spoon with a plastic baby spoon without addressing the behavior again. From there I'd remove any silverware that she might pick up and bang, and if she threw a fit, I'd scoop her up, give her a hug, and gently say, "That's okay, I understand you're tired, Love. Let's move on to bath." and take her up to bath. This would be done kindly without scolding but without negotiation or discussion- and ultimately it would mean she'd miss the family dance- after DH and I clean the kitchen, we blast the music and have a dance party with the kids before we head up to bath. But I would not rub it in her face, she'd know that. (And I've only had to do this ONE time- and 6 hours later she woke with croup).
For the hitting- we also do immediate, unwarned TO for hitting. Mean hands and feet are the only things that get TO here. (ETA- as much as I always agree with SusanMoseley, I depart here. When kids escalate to hitting, they need that removal to let the blood cool, and frankly it is a serious offense. And it is the ONE behavior that will definitely alienate them from friends, it is one that will alienate our family from social family outings, etc. I don't see it as empowerment, and I DO want them to know the gravity of hitting, but it needs to go along with teaching the alternative- communicating. And with more than one kid, that's one I never want them to see the other "getting away" with, or ever feel like that is something that is okay for someone to do to them.) If my kid came to me and raised her fist, I might pretend I don't see her, step around her. Make it clear that's not an appropriate way to get my attention by not giving it to her. Or I'd "strike a pose," with my arm raised, then make a drum roll sound and strike another pose.
If she said "we don't hit" or whatever, I make myself behave as if she's simply making conversation, and carry on the conversation. "You don't say! Hitting is mean hands, what else is mean hands? What is kind hands? What else is kind hands? My favorite kind hands are when you give me a big fat hug! I also like it when you brush my hair." OR I'd pick her up and dramtically make up a song in a silly accent- my go tos are country or reggae- "We don't hit, but we sure do do dance, We put on wiggle shirts and dancy pants! We zerbert bellies and tickle hands, no we don't hit but we sure do dance..." Something dumb and nonsensical like that. I'll carry on.
If she hit the couch, I would ig nore her, but 1) get all dramatic "OH NO POOR COUCH!!! Are you okay?? You are my friend and I want to be kind to you! I'll just put my bottom on you- does that make you feel better?" Or 2) "wow, you are mad at me, I see that because you were a little rough on the couch. Let's talk about how you feel and see how to fix it."
In general, I have to assess the situation and react quickly! I ALWAYS prefer the discussion route because I want her to feel like are all of her feelings are valid and that I will always try to help her when she's not happy as long as she deals with it by talking kindly. BUT she's 3, and not ready for that all the time- and if I know she's two steps over that line, I defer to the wild crazy side.
If my response seems wishy washy, it's because it's hard to explain. MIL and FIL can watch the exact same scenario and she is bitchy and says she can;t believe we let her completely get away with that, and FIL will send a long email to us the next day at how he feels we had unrealistic expectations and it worries him that she is being punished for something she can't control. LOL.
It sounds like she is actually learning what is and is not acceptable. You call it "testing" and that seems to have a negative spin on it. At not quite 2 1/2, she seem's smart and curious about what the limits are. If light tapping on her plate is okay, then tell her 'no' when she gets too loud. If hitting the couch is okay and people is not, reinforce that. You decide and be consistent.
I'd give yourself permission to put yourself in the teaching role, with occassional use of TO's to reinforce. I wouldn't take it that's she's deliberatley trying to annoy you or to outsmart you. That's what the teen years are for. Now, it's all just learning.