For the first time ever, scared.

epphd

Warning: this may make some people uncomfortable or upset. I apologize in advance I hope you can allow me a safe space to vent.  If anyone is offended, I'll delete.  In fact, I'll probably delete any way.

I got the schedule of activities for next week.  The D&E is going to take three days.  Two days of laminaria placement, then the actual procedure.  It's all taking place in the hospital and I need to have someone take me to each so I suspect there are drugs involved (good), but still, no one says that laminaria placement is easy. The terms I've seen are "brutal", "invasive", "worse than labor."  And D can only go with me on Tuesday and Thursday - he has to give a keynote lecture on Wednesday so I need to find someone to take me.  And on Thursday the procedure is not until 4:15  - so we'll have to get a sitter for Sam.  The practical aspects are just overwhelming.  Stupid, right?  I mean, that I'm stressed out about how to schedule our loss?

F--k.  This sucks.  I'm scared of the physical aspects, and I'm even more terrified emotionally.  I know we are doing the right thing - this baby would likely not even make it to term and outcomes are very poor.  But it doesn't change the fact that we actually have to make the decision.  I'm so angry that I got pregnant to begin with and I'm scared that I'll regret something. I don't want to regret distancing myself in these days - but I also can't do anything but.  I don't want to regret not telling my family - but it would devastate them and that wouldn't help me.  I don't want to regret having been suspect of this pregnancy the whole time - but I was right.  I don't want to regret not asking the sex, but I just don't see how that would help. And I guess I can always ask at another time.

I am going back and forth between just trying to ignore it (and having a wonderful friend visiting has been a great distraction) and then not sleeping for running the images from the NT over and over and over again my head. I wish I'd never seen them. 

I'm just having a hard time.  I'm not sure how I could be surprised.  In the pantheon on bullsh!t that infertility can throw out you, I haven't yet had the opportunity to experience a loss. 

God this suuuuuuuuuuucks.

 

 

katerena

I'm so angry for you.  You worked so hard to be happy with your family and accept your path as the right one for your family and just be happy living in it.  And then IF throws you an enormous curveball and makes you hope again.  And that is the part that kills.  I wish so much I could say the thing that helped you grieve, but I am sending big hugs to you and your family.  This is not fair, it's not right and it's downright cruel.  You vent away all you need, sweetie. 

June24Bride

It IS stupid that you are going through this and have to make these decisions. I cant pretend to know what you're feeling. It does make matters seem worse when you gotta schedule it out. Do you have someone to take you? I'd seriously take you if you needed it..

 

Again, I'm sick for you and I'm really really sorry. Your docs need to know of your anxiety and worries though, its important

laura&dan05

I'm sending you a PM.

DavezWife

you're right, this suuuuuucks.

Have you questioned the laminaria use? I've not heard of that done much. My latest loss was right around your gestation, and from what I know, I had a traditional D&C with extraction? (they knocked me out, and when I woke up it was all done.)

You don't need to explain to us (or me) why they're using that method, but I do believe you have choices in the way they do it. skipping the laminaria would be a LOT simpler, in my eyes.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Be kind to yourself, none of this is easy.

ps - I still have a LOT of PTSD stuff happening over my NT scan, when I was shocked to find out the baby had died. A LOT. And I knew that baby was not healthy, with the fetal tachycardia, and all. I have no advice, other than to say you're experiencing normal things. And you're not alone.

here4u

I'm so sorry Elizabeth.  That sounds like a very traumatic long drawn out process, and nothing about this is easy or fair.     Did the Dr.'s say how long they could expect if you just miscarried naturally?  I don't think there is a right answer here, its all about how you and DH feel what is best for your family.  I hope the procedures go smoothly and you won't be in too much pain.  I'll be thinking of you.

epphd

DavezWife:

you're right, this suuuuuucks.

Have you questioned the laminaria use? I've not heard of that done much. My latest loss was right around your gestation, and from what I know, I had a traditional D&C with extraction? (they knocked me out, and when I woke up it was all done.)

You don't need to explain to us (or me) why they're using that method, but I do believe you have choices in the way they do it. skipping the laminaria would be a LOT simpler, in my eyes.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Be kind to yourself, none of this is easy.

ps - I still have a LOT of PTSD stuff happening over my NT scan, when I was shocked to find out the baby had died. A LOT. And I knew that baby was not healthy, with the fetal tachycardia, and all. I have no advice, other than to say you're experiencing normal things. And you're not alone.

DW, I have no idea why they are doing laminaria, or why it is TWO DAYS of it. I didn't think to ask when the triage nurse called, and of course, they are closed tomorrow.  I trust this practice - they are incredibly supportive and respected - but I will definitely have to ask more questions.  Unlike every other procedure I've had, this isn't something I ever thought to research, ya know?  ugh.

schmoodle

I'm so incredibly sorry you are going through this. I'd never heard of laminaria insertion so I had to google it, I'm sure you've searched much more extensively than I just did but some of what I read said that for many women it only causes mild cramping. I truly hope that is the case for you.

I hate that you have to make decisions here, and I know that you already know you are making the right one for you, but please know that you are so supported by us as well and I hope no one here is offended by simply reading about the terrible experience that you actually have to live through.  I wish I had advice or something I could say that would help, but I know I can't do either, so just repeating again how much this sucks and I wish you didn't have to deal with any of it. Devastating experiences like this always cause some regrets but you just have to make the best decisions for you at the time you are making them. That's the best anyone could do.

Much love to you right now and always.

caityr

I have no advice just wanted to say I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You have every right to feel scared, angry and disappointed-just take it a day at a time.

sasa625

I'm so very sorry that you have to go through this. It is so, so unfair! I wish you didn't have to make any decisions in the matter, but just trust in your heart that you are making the right ones for your family.

You have a huge support system here so don't hesitate to share your feelings!!

kimarino13

I am sorry, Elizabeth.  I haven't ever heard of laminaria for D&E.  I have has friends, like Davez, who have been put under general and then woken up and it's over.  Good luck. I hope it's "easier" (less painful) than you are expecting.

Carrie25

I am so sorry you have to go through all of this crap.  This just sucks azz.  IF is so cruel, there are really no words to describe, just know that we are all here for you.  I've been thinking about you the past few days and will continue to pray for your healing.

readyin07

No one should ever have to make a decision like this, you're right It is so so unfair after all the other cards IF has dealt you. Like schmoodle, my limited dr. googling showed everything from mild or no cramping to some more severe discomfort. I hope you will fall in the first boat.

I feel weird asking this, but how comfortable are you with anti-anxiety meds, etc.? I can't imagine the stress of this and I know if it was me, I would want some Ativan or Xanax to ease me through the next few days. I know that is not everyone's cup of tea. Also, talk to your doctors about whether or not some heavier duty pain meds are allowed and might make things easier if taken before the procedure.

 All the best during this difficult time.

itsmevkb

You know, it's easier to worry about the practical aspects at this point than deal with all the raw emotions of a loss.  It's your mind protecting your heart.

I'm sorry that I don't know anything about a D&E.  With my 14 week loss my doctor had me induced and I gave birth to my son.  I'm not going to lie, it was HARD, probably the hardest thing I've ever done, but at the same time it was somewhat therapeutic and provided a certain amount of closure.  I was given an IV pump of drugs which I believe made it bearable. 

You're making the best decisions you can, just know that.  You can find out the sex later if you decide you want to.  I think it's a double-edged sword.  Knowing I lost a son and then a daughter with my second loss let me give them names.  However, now when I look at my children I see their missing brother and sister instead of just an abstract sexless baby.  I don't know which is better and I'm sure it's different for everyone.

And, for what it's worth, I knew with both of my losses almost from the very beginning that those pregnancies were not going to work out.  It was specially weird with my first loss since everything was going fine, good growth, etc. until bam, we lost him.  The whole pregnancy I just thought I was crazy for thinking something was wrong but in the end I think it's mother's intuition.  We know when something isn't right with our children, even the unborn ones.  That isn't something you should regret.  

It took a long time for me to be able to look at the ultrasound pictures of my son and even longer for me to look at the pictures of him after his birth.  You will never forget your scan, just as I can replay the entire visit where we found out our son had died, but trust me, in time it won't hurt as much.  It takes a long time to come to terms with all the feelings a loss brings up - sadness, anger, hurt, jealousy - and it's something I'm still dealing with everyday but the further away from my losses that I get the better it gets.

Sorry this got so long.  I so wish you weren't going through this.

lolalillie

You have every right to feel every thought and emotion that you are and will feel.  I am just so very sorry for you   I wish I had more words, something to say, something that could comfort you but I just don't know what I could say to ease your mind.  Just know that we are all here for you with open arms.  You need a place to let it all out and we are 100% here for you.  Please take care. 

duke'sgirl

E, I am so incredibly sorry. I can't even imagine how you feel or how hard it would be to be in your shoes. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I hope you are able to get everything figured out schedule wise, so at least that part can be less stressful to you.  It's so incredibly unfair. ((hugs))

SparklyCutie

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been thinking of you. It is so incredibly hard, it was something I never thought I would go through either. I do not know anything about a laminaria placement, or have even heard of it, I would ask more about it...and see if you can just do the D&C. I am so so sorry. (((((HUGS))))

njdcgirl

I was just thinking about you earlier this afternoon and wondering how you were doing.  [Dumb thought - how else would you be doing than how you are now? This whole thing f'ing sucks and noone should have to make a decision or go through something like this.] No advice but just want to say share whatever you want to here - no one will judge and everyone is hurting for you. 

Food for thought...You mention not wanting to tell your family b/c it would devestate them - and no doubt that is true - but think about YOU.  Do YOU need their support?  Would they be able to provide you some comfort - even if it just someone IRL to talk to about this?  You don't have to do this alone.  I know if my family member were going through this, I'd want to know no matter how heartbreaking it is.  Of course, everyone's family dynamic is different, and I know you've talked about yours before, so this might not be the right thing for you to do. 

So many hugs coming your way. 

DavezWife

epphd:

DavezWife:

you're right, this suuuuuucks.

Have you questioned the laminaria use? I've not heard of that done much. My latest loss was right around your gestation, and from what I know, I had a traditional D&C with extraction? (they knocked me out, and when I woke up it was all done.)

You don't need to explain to us (or me) why they're using that method, but I do believe you have choices in the way they do it. skipping the laminaria would be a LOT simpler, in my eyes.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Be kind to yourself, none of this is easy.

ps - I still have a LOT of PTSD stuff happening over my NT scan, when I was shocked to find out the baby had died. A LOT. And I knew that baby was not healthy, with the fetal tachycardia, and all. I have no advice, other than to say you're experiencing normal things. And you're not alone.

DW, I have no idea why they are doing laminaria, or why it is TWO DAYS of it. I didn't think to ask when the triage nurse called, and of course, they are closed tomorrow.  I trust this practice - they are incredibly supportive and respected - but I will definitely have to ask more questions.  Unlike every other procedure I've had, this isn't something I ever thought to research, ya know?  ugh.

you know, grain of salt, do what you want... all that jazz....

but I would push for the typical D&C type thing where you're in and out in less than an hour. Physically it's not very painful at ALL, and with your scheduling conflicts and the fact you have a little one and a job to tend to... I would really push for it. I cannot think of the reason why you'd need to open the cervix prior, unless they are convinced it perserves the integrity of it? I have no idea. (or maybe it pertains to something of a more delicate nature, which I'm not touching with a 10 ft poll)

 

Also want to second the "ask for ativan" suggestion. I would not have made it thru the 1st month without it.  Just taking a 0.5mg tab took the edge off, and I never felt drunk or sedated. Just didn't care so much. The hormone crash afterwards (usually around week 3-4 after) is wicked, and you need to save your sanity to get thru that.  Short term use is non-addicting (although I do love it, lol) and it really really really helped me.

 

Temp848906437505510

Yes, it sucks that you have to make this decision and, on top of it, coordinate logistics......I'm continuing to send you love and support.....

kittylove

I won't pretend to know what you are going threw but it seems to me that all the feelings you adressed above are valid feelings. I know I am wickedly pissed of for you at nature for throwing you this insane curve ball. Others have giving good advice about the D&C procedure, but remember it is all up to you. ((((HUGS))) You are in my thoughts.

tina623

I'm so sorry this is happening   ((hugs))

krissyh21

I have never experienced anything close to similar to what you are going through. But I imagine what your are feeling is normal. I would be more concerned if you just went in feeling nothing. Yes, you did have your doubts going into this. BUT you did have hope too. That has got to hurt. It should hurt. I wish you never had to feel this pain. (((hugs)))

roaringrock

I'm terribly sad for you that you have to go through this. is there another option (please!) aside from the 3 days of torture? I cannot believe you have to experience such a long, drawn out procedure. REALLY so unfair.

do you have a "local" friend who can help you through this? I just cannot even imagine. I'm truly devastated for you and d. try to take it easy and be kind to yourself. we're all here for anything you need.

Temp159135562506975

it all sucks... i'm sorry you have to deal with it.

don't regret your feelings- you can't control them... and the things you can control (your choices, etc) are things you are doing based off of your knowledge and emotions - so never feel badly about them either - it's all you can do.

(((HUGS)))

CMM05

I am so, so sorry that you have to deal with this. It is so incredibly unfair. The loss I had around the same time  you did (around 11 weeks.....) was definitely the most difficult. We chose not to find out the sex. For me, that would be more difficult, but you should do what you want. Like others said, they can look at the reports and tell you that at any time. Right now, worry about yourself and what you need to do to make yourself as comfortable as possible. Both times when I had my D&C's, the second they got the IV's in they put some "calming" meds in. I cannot remember what it is, but it really helped me.

I would definitely ask if you can be put under and if they can do a more typical D&C procedure. I had a loss at close to 11 weeks and they did a D&C. I am not familiar with the D&E's or the laminaria procedure you are talking about, but I would imagine there has to be other options. I cannot imagine the stress and emotional aspects of doing a 2 day procedure. I would call the nurses/OB in the morning and ask if there are any other options. With our 11 week loss, we found out on Friday and the D&C couldn't be performed until Tuesday, and that for me, was an excruciating wait.

(((HUGS))))

 

dana316

I wish that I had some comforting words for you during this terrible time...but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. 

((((((((Hugs))))))))

 

AtlJuneBride

All I can say is that I am so sorry that you're having to deal with this.  I can't even imagine how hard on you this must be and it totally sucks.  You have every right to be scared, angry, sad, everything.  I know you will get through it with grace but I am glad you are taking the time to vent.  You deserve it.  I'll be thinking of you.

fallbride110406

Your feelings are completely normal, and I am so sorry you're going through this.  I would really push for a traditional D&C/D&E.  When our baby passed at 6.5 weeks, I waited to see if I would m/c naturally but when I finally scheduled the D&C for 8 weeks and they did one last u/s, I looked at the screen and saw that the baby had kept growing and was measuring 8w1d.  It looked like the ultrasounds we had with our twins absent a heartbeat and I still struggle with that. 

I completely agree with Davez on considering the ativan/xanax too.  That hormone crash is awful and I could have really used something to just calm me down and level me out a bit (my husband's grandmother passed right around when my hormones crashed, it was awful).  

Infertility really is a sick, twisted MFer.

armywife76

YGPM. ((Hugs))

tapgirl

I'm so sorry.  I have been on very sporadically the last couple of days, so I missed the post about your CVS results and just went back to read it.  This is so cruel and unfair.  I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts. 

daisybride78

Oh gosh Elizabeth. I am so incredibly sorry. I can't even imagine how hurt and angry you are. I wish I had more words of advice, but I just want to let you know that you are in my prayers. I know you will go back to being a happy family of three very soon.

vandelay

God, I wish I could say something that could make this suck less, but I'm pretty sure they haven't invented those words.  I've experienced some of what you're feeling (making peace with your situation, only to have a pregnancy out of nowhere give you hope, and a subsequent loss kick you in the teeth), and it seems so pointlessly cruel.  And having to plan it out, and to spend three days on the procedure -- well I can only imagine.

Do whatever you need to do for you.  And please recognize that you have nothing to feel guilty over.  Yes, you had a bad feeling from the beginning, but it wasn't a self-fulfilling prophecy; you didn't make this happen (which you already know, because you're all smart and stuff, but sometimes it's good to be reminded of the obvious).  If you need to not know the sex, don't find out -- there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.  The information will be there if you change your mind later.

You guys continue to be in my thoughts.

Courted

epphd:

Warning: this may make some people uncomfortable or upset. I apologize in advance I hope you can allow me a safe space to vent.  If anyone is offended, I'll delete.  In fact, I'll probably delete any way.

I got the schedule of activities for next week.  The D&E is going to take three days.  Two days of laminaria placement, then the actual procedure.  It's all taking place in the hospital and I need to have someone take me to each so I suspect there are drugs involved (good), but still, no one says that laminaria placement is easy. The terms I've seen are "brutal", "invasive", "worse than labor."  And D can only go with me on Tuesday and Thursday - he has to give a keynote lecture on Wednesday so I need to find someone to take me.  And on Thursday the procedure is not until 4:15  - so we'll have to get a sitter for Sam.  The practical aspects are just overwhelming.  Stupid, right?  I mean, that I'm stressed out about how to schedule our loss?

F--k.  This sucks.  I'm scared of the physical aspects, and I'm even more terrified emotionally.  I know we are doing the right thing - this baby would likely not even make it to term and outcomes are very poor.  But it doesn't change the fact that we actually have to make the decision.  I'm so angry that I got pregnant to begin with and I'm scared that I'll regret something. I don't want to regret distancing myself in these days - but I also can't do anything but.  I don't want to regret not telling my family - but it would devastate them and that wouldn't help me.  I don't want to regret having been suspect of this pregnancy the whole time - but I was right.  I don't want to regret not asking the sex, but I just don't see how that would help. And I guess I can always ask at another time.

I am going back and forth between just trying to ignore it (and having a wonderful friend visiting has been a great distraction) and then not sleeping for running the images from the NT over and over and over again my head. I wish I'd never seen them. 

I'm just having a hard time.  I'm not sure how I could be surprised.  In the pantheon on bullsh!t that infertility can throw out you, I haven't yet had the opportunity to experience a loss. 

God this suuuuuuuuuuucks.

Ok, WTH, someone help me out here. I haven't been on much in the last week or so....what the heck happened???? 

epphd----I am SO sorry for whatever happened!!!!!  Truly, truly sorry. You will be in my T&Ps. 

qtpa2t

My heart goes out to you as this must be so hard.  I would be choosing the same path if I were in your shoes, and you have been so strong throughout.  You are so level headed in prioritizing what your needs are now, and that is great.  I know you will come through this. ((hugs))

JillRock96

So freaking unfair.  I'm so sorry that you have to make this decision.  I hope that you'll find nothing but support here.  Thinking of you.

beebe929

I wish I could take away your pain.  (hugs)

leslie&brian

I can't even begin to fathom what you are going through. I hate when life hands good people a really sh!tty hand. I have thankfully never experienced a miscarriage, so I won't pretend to know what all is entailed, but I would echo some of the advice you got and ask if they can't just do a one day procedure. It just seems cruel to me to make someone suffer through 3 days worth of procedures. ((hugs))

sommerrayne

I'll be sending you a PM momentarily.

jmkatz

 I am so sorry.  I have no advice, but I am just so, so sorry.

smilee

I wish I had something to say that would really help... in the meantime, I will offer a very heartfelt "I'm sorry."  I really wish you weren't going through this.  You will be on my mind.