Update, beginning week 3 of Zoloft.

klcl8981

Going to discuss a couple things, not just the Zoloft. Need to just...vent I guess.

I think I mentioned awhile back that before becoming pregnant again, I was doing P90X to lose the rest of the 50 pounds gained with my pregnancy with DS. I only had the chance to work out about 2 or 3 weeks before finding out I was pregnant again, and didn't keep up with it.

I've been watching all these weight shows on TV. Heavy. I Used To Be Fat. Whatever else I find. I can't stop thinking about how badly I want to vigorously work out and become thin and pretty. I hate, hate, hate that I am gaining weight all over again. And I know this is TERRIBLY selfish. It is the healthy thing for my growing baby... The baby I still feel no connection to.

Why am I still not appreciating this pregnancy like I should be? So many people have tremendous struggle with conceiving, or have no success at all. I hate that I feel the way I feel, and I have this gift of life. But I am having such a hard time accepting it, or something.. It's not that I don't want this baby. I do. I guess it feels like I love DS so much that I might not have room to love another. But I know this can't be the case, and of course I would love all of my children more than anything...

I am looking forward to having my first home birth. This is probably one of the only things I truly look forward to right now. It's a happy thing for me to think about. But still, the anxieties of breastfeeding, having two kids, the depression worsening, along with other things are still there.

I will say, the negative thoughts are definitely diminishing. I can see that now. The overall sad feeling and crying is decreasing. So, aside from me beginning with how my self esteem is still low, my mental state is improving. And in time I hope to feel happy, beautiful, in control, organized, clear-minded, and just not stressed overall.

I really hope my motivation to lose weight after LO is born stays the same, or becomes greater. I feel so desperate to feel like a beautiful, happy person. I want to feel beautiful to my husband, and believe his compliments are true and sincere. I also want to provide a better sex life for us both, and that seems VERY difficult to accomplish. I want to be a new person without feeling like I have to run away from this life to achieve it. I have a life here. I have a beautiful family. Things are not perfect even if I am well, but I want to feel optimistic. I want to be financially stable, and address our debt issues. I guess I just want a lot of things...

I'm trying to remember that I am still in the beginning stages of...well, everything. My marriage is fairly new, only a year old. My son isn't even a year. I have another coming. My recovery is in the beginning stages still. I need to remember to take ONE day at a time..

I want all of us to feel like we are beautiful people! All of us! I still appreciate all of you, and if you aren't feeling loved today, then I want to tell you that I love you. We're all beautiful, even if we feel like ugly, horrible, crazy mothers. We're doing our best.

This post is more of me just thinking out loud. Totally didn't know what I'd end up writing about tonight. But I needed to talk to someone...about anything. Thanks.

Mrs.Saxy

I hear you about the working out.  I want to so bad.  I want to go to spinning classes and run a marathon...both of which I've NEVER done before.

I gained 40 lbs with DS and I'm on my way to 50lbs with this one.

I think it's natural to feel unsexy.  I'm hairy and fat.  I hope your DH is reassuring you that you're still hot!