I hate when people talk about my "future" kids...(vent)

Mrs.McIrish · January 2011

I just got a call from a former co-worker who I was friendly with. She had somehow gotten copies of some of my wedding pictures so she called to comment on them. She kept saying there was no way that I was not having red-headed kids after seeing my wedding pics and DH's family etc. She just kept saying it over and over again and I was screaming inside "I'm F'ing starting infertility treatments next week". Of course she has no idea what's going on and wasn't saying anything to be mean etc. I just want to do an Infertility PSA for the world: Never comment on people having kids unless they bring it up".

Vent over...

BostonGayGal · January 2011

Is sounds like that was tough on you.

I think I process this stuff differently than most people because I find it incredibly reassuring when people mention me having children in the future. But I also talk openly about my multiple failed inseminations which most people find weird.

Mrs.McIrish · January 2011

BostonGayGal:

Is sounds like that was tough on you.

I think I process this stuff differently than most people because I find it incredibly reassuring when people mention me having children in the future. But I also talk openly about my multiple failed inseminations which most people find weird.

Give me a couple cocktails and I would probably talk as well. I just hate that people assume everyone can have kids the "easy" way. I was probably that way "before" and didn't even realize it...Karma!

BostonGayGal · January 2011

It might be a difference in expectation then too - I never had an 'easy way' option. The fact that it is entirely medical for me (as a gay gal) also means there is no sexual connotation, 'shame of infertility,' or any of that baloney. I tried to conform to people's expectation that it should never be talked about, but as a verbal processor and a general big-mouth, many of the people I talk to regularly know my situation. I find it better that way - for ME, but I tend to be very very open and blunt.

UOduckBride2be · January 2011

I flip flop on this one depending on my mood. Sometimes it helps contribute to my positive attitude when someone assumes that it WILL indeed happen for us eventually, but other times I feel exactly the same as you. We went out to dinner with my ILs on Saturday night and I was telling my mother-in-law all about where we go from here. I told her that given everything that we have been through if it happens for us we will be "one and done" for sure if we were to end up with twins through ART or have a singleton, (this is mostly due to my needle aversion and the fact that it is now highly likely that I will have to give myself at least 2x daily injections for an entire pregnancy). My mother-in-law started getting kind of crazy at that point saying that I should want more than one, (she only had my DH), and to wait and see. After so many years of this I just can't imagine that I would put myself through it again once we are finally successful and she's assuming that we are going to be successful. The assumptions can be a lot of pressure. Also having the baby discussion come up out of nowhere sucks, since we obviously are thinking about it most of the time.

jb2rn · January 2011

Yeah, I hear you. I dislike "when you guys have kids" because my heart screams "what if we can't?!?!".

I try to take it as a positive, though, similar to what BGG said, maybe it means it's meant to happen? It's positive energy coming my way, right?

MelleTX · January 2011

It sucks, but truthfully, unless you have been there, you have no idea how a seemingly innocent comment about future kids could be insensitive to someone else.

I almost get a little eyeroll at the hard-core IF board members who automatically take every little comment so personally, but I do understand it.

Really, what I think it booils down to is that IF is such a taboo subject. If more people were talking about it and treating like a real illness instead of some sort of defect, then people would be more sensitive and there would be better healthcare coverage.

We would never tell a breast cancer patient her boobs look great. But that's because it's ok to talk about cancer and it's not ok to talk about IF.

jb2rn · January 2011

MelleTX:

We would never tell a breast cancer patient her boobs look great. But that's because it's ok to talk about cancer and it's not ok to talk about IF.

Yes true dat

stever · January 2011

That sucks! I'm so sorry.

JoAnna914 · February 2011

Mrs.McIrish:
She kept saying there was no way that I was not having red-headed kids after seeing my wedding pics and DH's family etc.

The part I get irritated with is that statements like this presume that 1) a couple can have kids, and 2) the couple wants to have kids. Having children is such a personal decision between the couple, that I stay as far away from any discussion of children as possible. Not only that, it kind of implies that the couple, as people, isn't worthy as individuals in their own right without children - that seriously bugs me.

Classicoyote · February 2011

I understand completely. What aggravates me is those people who every time I see them say, "do you have any news for us?" or "how's the baby thing coming along?" I know they mean well, but for me it is so hard to talk about to family and friends. I feel like telling them to just leave me alone. Our fertility is not for everyone's attention. It is very personal for us since it has been difficult. Especially since we are nearing the end of our road with fertility.

I agree - NEVER, EVER bring up pregnancy or anything to do with it until we bring it up.