Getting depressed over SD again...

PlannedChaos

Ok, so just when it seemed things were getting better with SD(12), they started tanking again.  She's wetting the bed 3-4 times a week again (we had been down to once every 1-2 months), she's being disrepectful to me again (ignoring me if I tell her to do anything - even simple things like get ready for bed, or take a shower), and in general she's just being REALLY uncomfortable to be around. 

We start seeing a psychiatrist on Wed, based on SD's psychologist's assessment that she needs more than he can give (meds). 

And then - my MIL called tonight to see how I am feeling, which was sweet of her, but she went on and on for a half hour about how she hopes this baby is a boy, because she thinks SD will deal with it better if it's a boy.  (SD has an unhealthy attachment to DH - no one else is allowed to "have" him but her, which as you can imagine, has always made me her #1 target.)

The thing is, I really want a girl.  Not that I would love a boy any less, but  have a really amazing relationship with my DD(14), and I would love to have another daughter.  (And I realize even my DD would feel less threatened by a boy, but still...I love the mother/daughter bond, and I SOOOO want to add to that.)  I know mothers and sons bond too, but I have two SDs now, and I just really would rather have a girl! 

So I'm bummed that MIL is picking what she wants me to have based on SD.  EVERYTHING in our life revolves around that child and her emotional problems, and sometimes it just gets really, really hard to deal with.  And, I will admit MIL's declaration that she's going to refer to this grandbaby as "9", because it's her 9th grandchild didn't really amuse me that much. 

*sigh*

I know I'm probably just being moody, but good god.  Why does even the gender of my baby have to be something to make SD feel better?

Ilumine

So what does your DH say about all of this? 

PlannedChaos

He said "Ignore my mother.  Take it with a grain of salt.  She doesn't understand what it's like living with SD."

But, you know, as much as I try to ignore it, it's still kind of out there.

anniya77

P-

 (((HUGS)))

 Look on the bright side-- Your MIL doesn't have any influence on whether your baby is a boy or a girl. =-)

 Go with what your DH said and take it with a grain of salt. Things will work out, regardless of what your MIL's opinions are.

 

Kyah

*HUGS* I understand. DH's grandma told me she hoped my baby was a girl because she thought that SS would deal with it better. She was all concerned that he would be jealous because this baby would get to be with DH all of the time, and SS wouldn't. My whole pregnancy, it seemed his side of the family only cared about how it affected SS. I ended up having a girl, which I wanted anyways, but I think that it wouldn't have mattered in the end. They are so in love with my DD and I think even if she were a boy it would be no different. I bet your MIL will be the same way.

 

I think for everyone else around us, the pregnancy doesn't affect them the way it affects us, including our DHs. The baby isn't as real to them until they arrive

SUwife

I love how families determine what sex we should have.  DH's whole family has been all about me having a boy.  That is all they wanted.  And then they were pissed at me for wanting a girl.  "How dare I want a girl when my DH wants a boy."  WHich I thought was interesting that since I was married my own wants and desires meant nothing.  DH and I are allowed to want the opposite gender.  For me I wanted a girl because of all the "girl" things I'm going to miss out on with SD, which seems exemplified because we have her sometimes.

And I'm having a boy (unless there is quite a surprise next month) so they're all thrilled.  His grandma has now moved on to "be ready, his first word is going to be dada, it will not be mom."  Not sure why that is.  I hope his first word is "No" and he uses it whenever around her.  Of course my doctor's due date is my dad's birthday, so now my own grandma is on the bandwagon about how I hopefully have a son just like my dad, etc.

Ilumine

Actually I meant, How does your DH feel about your feelings about coming in second to his daughter yet again.

DO NOT GET ME WRONG.  A child with problems must always "come first" (ie making choices that are best for the child).  But

a) what is best for the child is NOT always coming first and

b) DH must acknowledge and communicate his gratitude and support to YOU when he has to yet again override your feelings to put her first.

And seriously, ignoring a comment like your MIL's breaks A & B.  A grandmother who bends that far over backwards for a child is not healthy for the child and a father who does not call his mother out for that kind of misguided belief is perpetuating the problem.

My poor DH runs himself ragged making sure that while we put the correct actions for DH in place, that I am always recognized as being just as important as SS.  

Which is why I never get jealous with SS (I do get frustrated/annoyed/perplexed wiht him as a parent, which is different). 

PlannedChaos

Well, writing what DH says about SD would take a long time.  He has come to the understanding over the last four years that SD is a really messed up kid, and the fact that it is, at least in part, because he kind of seriously screwed up he first 7 years of her life.  He and the XW were so toxic together, and both out only for what they wanted and to hurt each other, that the kids grew up in a toxic enviornment.  SD was a tugtoy between her parents, both wanting her on "their side", because she was the only kid of their 3 old enough to marginally understand what was going on.  SO - DH's relationship with SD was not what a father/daughter relationship should be - where they were more confidant/buddy than f/d.  DH has a lot of guilt over that, and so he excuses  lot of SD's inappropriate behavior because of his guilt.

He realizes literally everything in our life revolves around SD, and he had done a lot to try and set boundaries and expectations, but the problem there is she will intentionally violate the boundaries so his attention (even negative) is again focused on her. 

When it comes to the baby, DH has said SD will just have to cope with whatever it is, and learn to deal with it.  He's told her his relationship with her won't change, which as I've said to him is a lie.  When this baby comes, it IS going to need a lot more devoted attention than SD will like, and therefore, their relationship IS going to change.  Not the love he has for her - of course, but the amount of time he has to focus on her solely will.

Also, I should probably point out, all of the women close to us, who know SD and how she is have said we need to be sure we NEVER leave her alone with the baby, becuase they're afrad of what she'll do.  SO, yeah, that's kind of freaking me the heck out too.  DH laughs that off, and says she'd never hurt anybody, but he has repeatedly been proven wrong about her before.