Help with emotionally immature 6 yo?
I'm looking for honest feedback, because I'm really struggling with this lately and am not sure what to do next.
My 6 yr old DS is in first grade this year. He started kindergarten at 4, almost 5. He made the cutoff and after talking with his preschool teachers and lots of other people, we made the decision to start him early, rather than hold him back. I still feel like, academically, it was the right decision for him. He loves learning, he excels at math and reading. His teachers have both indicated he is ahead of many of his peers academically. He is always good at school, well behaved. Honestly, never in trouble.
The downside? He's a major perfectionist (he gets some of this from me). He is very hard on himself/critical of himself. I was a lot like this growing up, too, and it's not in relation to how we treat him or how I was treated. I certainly don't feel like we put any undue pressure on him at this young age. I think it's just him.
But we're starting to have major behavioral issues at home. Basically, I'd say he's just emotionally intense. It's not ALL the time, but it's a lot of the time and it's just exhausting lately; to the point that I do not feel like it's normal behavior for a 6.5 year old. He flips out when the smallest things don't work out like he would like them to, he gets frustrated beyond belief when working on his Legos if they don't all fit together perfectly. Somedays I just feel like he's out of control and I don't know how to get through to him. A lot of it he'll blame on his sister. Yes, sometimes she pushes his buttons, but not nearly as often as he'd like to say.
Basically, he just cries a lot/whines a lot and it feels like he doesn't have any ability to just "roll with it" and let stuff go. I feel like he is socially immature/emotionally immature and I feel like it's all just out of nowhere.
Like I said, he is good at school and his teacher has only indicated she's seen this side of him once or twice. She did note his perfectionism/frustration with tasks if it doesn't all go perfectly. Conferences were a few months ago though and it seems like this has gotten worse, so I'm definitely going to talk with her again about it soon.
I'm just starting to feel like we made a mistake in starting him in school last year or that there's seriously something wrong with him. Any thoughts or experiences?
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Re: Help with emotionally immature 6 yo?
My sense is that there are 2 components to your post: 1. is my son's anxious/perfectionistic/emotional behavior abnormal for his age, and 2. what should we do about his school placement?
In answer to number 1, it's hard to tell from your post whether his behavior is truly outside the range of normal. You say he "flips out" and that he "gets frustrated beyond belief" over something that seems insignificant to you, like legos not going together, etc. But you don't describe what you mean by "flipping out" or "frustration beyond belief." It would help me answer if you described the actual behaviors he exhibits at these times. Is he just crying? yelling? throwing things? how long do his frustrated fits last? How difficult is it for him to moderate his own moods? How willing is he to return to the legos and try again once he's expressed his frustration.
I will say that my son, who is almost 6 1/2, still has crying jags about every other day over something that -- to the rest of the family members -- is no biggie. He gets frustrated over the same things you describe, and he can engage in avoidant or manipulative behaviors when he thinks he has to do a task that is difficult. My son is smart and sensitive, but he's still a "little kid" emotionally -- lacking in the perspective that allows my 10 year old to roll with things a little more.
As for part 2 of your question, I'd talk to the teacher and see if she sees a more watered-down version of what you see at home. Does he seem perfectionistic or anxious at school as well? You might have better luck with the teacher if you just ask her to describe how he deals with challenging work or potentially frustrating problems, without making her judge whether he's "too" anxious or "too" perfectionistic.
It might be that he's working hard to manage his frustrations and feelings at school,and the cost is that at home -- where it's safe to do so --he just needs to let all his feelings out. I see this in my son. He's well aware of the social cost of crying at school. He can be pretty stoic in the classroom. But by the end of the week, when he's tired, we see an increase in his crankiness and emotional fragility at home.
FWIW, we made the decision to keep our son in preschool a year longer, and to start him in kindergarten when he had just turned 6. He's pretty far ahead academically, but he fits right in with the 5 year olds socially and emotionally. I knew if we didn't wait that year, I'd spend the next 12 years (and probably beyond into college) second-guessing whether he wouldn't have done better with an added year of maturity under his belt. The costs to him academically have been minor: there are other kids in kindergarten who are comparable in terms of academic skills. The benefit to him in terms of confidence has been immeasurable. It's a decision I've never regretted.
If you are toying with the idea of your son needing to repeat a grade, I'd discuss with the school how they'd handle it next year. Would he have a different teacher or the same one? How would they make sure he would remain challenged academically? They probably have a standard protocol for dealing with this in primary grades. Your son won't be the only child who has ever needed to repeat an early grade because of having a late birthday!!
If you are not considering having him repeat a grade, I'd talk with the teacher and/or guidance counselor about what strategies you might use to help him with anxiety and behavior modification at home.
Anyway, if you give me more specifics on his behavior, I'll check back later and weigh in with an opinion about whether it seems normal or outside the range of what you'd expect for a kid his age.
My almost 7 year old has a lot of the same symptoms and is currently waiting to see a psychiatrist to be evaluated for anxiety and adhd. It is so hard knowing something is up with them but not being able to help them.
I suggest taking him to your pedi (or call) and find out who they recommend to take him to.
Best of luck!
Thanks for the insight and perspectives.
His flipping out usually means crying, screaming, and getting overly frustrated and emotional about "little" things. He's never thrown things, hit, or been aggressive. His little sister does seem to be a trigger, as I've suspected. I watched him like a hawk yesterday, which, fwiw, was a great day for him. But, she was still sleeping when he got home (which never happens b/c she's a terrible napper, but she's sick). When he got home, he had a snack and we took turns reading nearly all of a Magic Treehouse book. By the time she woke up, we'd had a good hour of uninterrupted, quiet time and I think that did wonders for him.
The rest of the afternoon I just tried to watch them closely. I think he needs a lot more space from her when he gets home in the afternoon. He is at school all day, surrounded by kids and needs more time to unwind in the afternoon, I think. He enjoys spending time with his friends, but he also really enjoys quiet time and playing alone. My DD on the other hand is very social and really wants to talk to him/play with him/be all up in what he's doing in the afternoons after he's been gone all day. I think that's contributing to it, at least partly.
I did talk with his teacher, briefly. She indicated that she is seeing more of this behavior at school now than she was at the beginning of the year. She said it did seem kind of "out of nowhere" and that it does seem to be that he is very sensitive and hard on himself. She also said that it's common for this kind of thing to not show up until at least first grade, even if kindergarten went beautifully. She is going to talk with some other teachers and get some more perspectives and get back to me. This is her first year back in the teaching game full time; she taught FT before she had kids, took 6+ years off and substituted a lot last year.
Anyway, I guess I'll see what else she has to say and go from there.
I'm new to this board, but your DS's situation sounds so much like mine, I wanted to chime in.
My DS is 5 1/2 and in Kindergarten. Like your DS, he is academically ahead of his peers (even though he's younger than most of them) and a perfectionist. Certain things come so easily to him, so when he finds something he can't understand or do right off the bat, he gets so angry (screaming, crying, throwing things) and rarely will try again. I always dread playing games with him, because if I win, he flips out. (I do let him win plenty of times to help build his confidence.) When he's sad, it also just consumes him.
He's the sweetest kid: kind, loving, funny, quick witted. But emotionally he is way behind. We did take him to get evaluated, and the psychologist felt that it was much too early to diagnose him with any kind of disorder. She definitely feels that he is showing the signs of certain disorders, but it's just too early to "label" him. But basically, she says he has trouble with self-regulation. He doesn't know how to express himself properly, and that makes him frustrated and angry, and he doesn't know how to control his emotions, which most kids his age are already able to do, at least for the most part.
We're lucky in that we found a psychologist that we truly trust, and we feel she is giving him the best care he can get. But a major part of it is that DH and I also have sessions with her every other week, where we discuss what is the best way to parent a child like DS, to help him catch up and learn to regulate his emotions. That has been the biggest help. We've had to really alter our parenting approach, and it's been tough, but we started seeing real change in him after just a month or so. He's now been seeing her for about 6 months, and although he still gets PO'ed and gives up when he loses or isn't good at something, his emotions are much more stable these days. He'll get upset, but he comes out of it much faster now.
Anyway, I know this is long, but I did want to share our experience with you in hope that some of it may resonate with you and give you something to consider. I'm by no means suggesting that your son has exactly the same issues as ours, but rather that it may give you something to work with going forward.