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Entitled MIL kissing my belly and other pretentious issues...

1stCoo1stCoo member
in November 2015 Moms

Rant and advise please!

We recently broke the wonderful news to my MIL (two weeks ago) and what occurred is still getting me so riled up inside! I think about it everyday and really need someone to understand and lend some advise.

We had this cute little box with an egg inside that she was to crack open and inside was our announcement. Once she clued in, she came right for me and gave me a long hug. Touching, it really was. Just how you would expect anyone to react to such wonderful news. But what happened next and for the remainder of our stay (she lives 4 hours away and we were staying the night) blew me away! She proceeded to get down on her knees and kiss, rub and talk to her baby. Yes, she called it HER baby numerous times! 

Now, our due date is within a couple of days of my DH brother's wedding. When my MIL found out when our due date was, she said "I can't go to my son's wedding" We asked her why on earth not? She says "well, I have to be there for the delivery"!!  Entitled, right!?!  We had just finished telling her how we are asking everyone to give us two weeks alone (bonding time) with our new arrival. So how is she going to be there for the delivery coming from four hours away and not have a place to stay!?! We only have a two bedroom home (we'll be trying to get the basement finished in the fall but it might not be ready in time). So you can guess where she'll be... on our couch during the two weeks we asked for alone time. So my DH once again expressed how we're looking forward to two weeks alone and asked her if she understood that and she brushed it off by saying "Of course. You'll be needing the rest of your lives to bond, so what's two weeks going to do". ARG!!

We left a couple hours later to go break the news to my DH brother and fiancé and she came right for my belly again, kissing it all over! This is after she thought she was coming with us. She wanted to "see the reaction on their faces" so we told her we would video tape it for her. She got the hint then said "I think I'll let you guys go without me" LET!?! So we arrived back close to midnight to tuck ourselves in for the night and she never waits up but this time, she flipped on the lights and came right for my belly again (insert climbing frustration here). After our goodnights, I talked to my DH in bed about how endearing I thought it was at first but it's really making me feel uncomfortable. It's my belly afterall right!?! It's not the baby she's kissing, it's me and there's something about having your MIL on her knees kissing you in an area between your boobs and crotch that only I allow my DH to kiss... it feels really weird and uncomfortable!

I heard her the next morning pacing the hallway and as soon as she heard my feet hit the floor (the hardwood creaks) she flew open the door and came right for my belly again. Not even a Good Morning to me. She was kissing and talking to my belly asking how "her baby" was all while I'm sitting on the edge of the bed. It's an uncomfortable visualisation, I know. Are you squirming yet?! I was!! My DH had already left the bedroom at this point so he couldn't speak up for me and I don't like to because I did once before about something else in the past and she put me in tears (another story). Oh and I forgot to mention that she insists that our child will call her "Mere" (French for Mom). When it was time to leave to go home, I had draped a sweater over my belly in hopes she would get the hint. So after we hugged goodbye, I turned to get into the vehicle, she grabbed my arm and spun me around, pushed my sweater to the side and got on her knees again!!!! This time my DH spoke up and told her not to do that. She said "don't tell me what I can and can not do to my baby"!!!  

Oh yes ladies, I have one BIG problem here. It's been eating me up inside. I get sick every time I think about it. She feels entitled and I (we) have one HUGE issue on our hands. It's already starting only after one night with her.  

So I guess my questions are: How can I/we approach this kissing issue without me having to kick her in the crotch!?! This possessive "Hand that rocks the cradle" issue!?! And her ignoring our wishes to be alone for two weeks. We want it to be only ourselves for the delivery. We're a pretty modest couple and we've talked about my DH being there for me from the waist up on delivery day. So to have my MIL there is going to feel extremely uncomfortable let alone VERY stressful for me.

Any advise or any similar issues you just want to rant about too?

By the way, this is not her first grandchild. My DH brother has three already. I'm not sure how my MIL was with them as he is not with their Mother anymore. To call her up would be ruffling feathers.  

 

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Re: Entitled MIL kissing my belly and other pretentious issues...

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  • EMLarieEMLarie member

    Eeeek. Sounds like she is super excited and not considering how uncomfortable it makes you feel. For sure your husband needs to keep stepping in and talk to her about boundaries... if she continues. It's good that he supports you though. Her comments are pretty creepy but hopefully the excitement dies down, like now. Luckily she's 4 hours away!

    I mentioned before how territorial I am when I'm pregnant, but it was much worse after I gave birth (maybe it's normal for women, idk)and my mother made my life a living hell. We didn't speak on good terms for almost a year and she didn't visit my home until a year and a half. Difference was, it was my mom and not my mil (who leaves me the hell alone, thankfully). I've learned this time around that I'm going to be stern with my decision of wanting 2 weeks with no visitors, especially since her visiting means she will be staying/sleeping in my home because she is out-of-state. Same for you too.

    Ahh! Keep us updated on your situation. You don't need the stress, so hopefully you can use this board as an outlet.

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  • jellybug8402jellybug8402 member
    Oh my! That is definitely awkward and uncomfortable, I can certainly see why you're so frustrated. I don't/haven't had anything like that happen to me but it sounds like this may be something you're both going to have to get very frank and very firm about. Flat out usually works better than beating around the bush. Although it may ruffle her feathers at the end of the day it's YOUR body and your's and your DH's baby, therefore it's your wishes that need to be respected. Also, I would talk to your brother in law, he may not be with the mom anymore but he may have gone through the same thing. Find out how they handled it. Above all this is your body and your personal space, NO ONE has a right to invade it, stand up for yourself and tell her it makes you uncomfortable and why. My own mother asks before he touches my belly, I'd be mortified if she did what you MIL is doing. If she gets mad, oh well, not her body.

    Good luck to you, and congratulations on YOUR tiny human.
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  • AMG901AMG901 member
    This has really angered me reading this! I get she's really over the moon, but boundaries?! Helloooo!!
    I, like yourself, would want to kick her in the crotch too (maybe save that for if it doesn't get any better)
    If it was me, I'd probably remove her hand and say 'you're just kissing me at the moment! Wait 'til baby is here and you can cuddle him/her properly'
    Regards her thinking she is staying over..I think you need to be considerate of her feelings but firm. Reinforce that you do not want anyone round, however she will be your first on the list for grandma baby sitting duties.
    I think I'm in angry mood today so I hope I don't work you up even more! Totally get where you're coming from.
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  • 1stCoo1stCoo member

    What a relief at all your responses so far. I feel empowered now! lol.

    Thanks jellybug8402 for your cute comment about OUR tiny human :)  It puts me in check to read that. It's OUR tiny human, not hers or anyone else's.

    I will learn to be stern and firm where my DH fails (not for trying though). And yes, so what if she doesn't like it. You're right, queenwog... it will be her own stupid fault if she ignores our wishes.  I just KNOW my DH though... he will cave to her if she's at the front door. She has that power over him :(

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  • forkmamaforkmama member
    At first, I really tried to read this from a neutral place and understand your MIL's excitement for a new grandchild. But that was so quickly replaced by frustration. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. Family stuff like this is so sensitive and difficult to deal with.

    It's definitely on your husband to talk to his mom. He needs to explicitly say that she is kissing YOUR body, not the baby's, and making YOU uncomfortable. If you have to be around her, he should be prepared to physically wedge himself between the two of you if she's going in for a kiss. 

    Does your MIL have a partner that your husband can speak with? Or, are you comfortable talking to your BIL and his family about what his wife went through with her, and how she dealt with it?

    As for staying in your home and being present for the birth, I would make it clear that your husband will be the only one in the delivery room with you. You can send her hotel options if she wants to be nearby afterward. It's not just about having alone time with the baby for those two weeks, but having alone time with your husband to figure out this new parenting thing, and having your home to yourselves. I've put the same ban out to my family and sent them AirBnB listings if they want to be close. Thankfully, they've been much more understanding.

    Good luck!
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  • blams05blams05 member
    I would have your DH try to talk to her, if that does not work, I would not tell her I was in labor until after the baby arrives.

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  • thegingeravengerthegingeravenger member
    I think my blood pressure went up after reading this. You and your DH need to sit down and come up with a gameplan for dealing with her so you can be a united front. Personally, I would have your husband talk to her about everything first. Then when she sees you and goes for your belly, go for the polite please don't.

    All the PPs have great advice. Just be prepared to have to get harsh with her if she won't listen to you and your husbands wishes. Possibly to the extent of her not getting notified when you go into labor and changing the locks on your house if she has a key. Good luck.
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  • wulfpackgirlwulfpackgirl member
    Woooahhhh...she sounds cray-cray!  Definitely tell your husband to talk to her and stay your ground on the two weeks thing.  And tell her to go to her son's wedding!
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  • vrossolillevrossolille member
    edited May 2015
    Am I the only one who thinks to keep your baby from people who love him/her for two weeks is extreme? I was going to tell grammas and aunts and uncle no hospital this time. BUT I feel terrible doing that because they get SO excited to meet the new arrivals into the family. And they are all VERY VERY huge roles in my kids lives. They live there grammas and grandpas and cousins and aunts and uncles. Guess we are just are very close family. The hospital is rough. I didn't have my son until 4am so I slept pretty much the whole next day and the next day I got out. That's my only concern with visitors there. I would like to get rest and gear up for visitors at home. Plus, they all bring meals and anything else you want!:)

    As far as her baby goes, very odd. That would annoy me. How is she with her grandkids now??? Does she overstep? Is that why the brother in law and sister in law are now divorced?? Lol

    Touching, talking & kissing your Stomach, is way off boundaries to me!!!! How weird!!!! My husband knows I don't like that for him even! He can touch ME all day long but my stomach is just my stomach- baby is inside and doesn't know your touching him/her. I feel like he is just rubbing my fat, lol

    All in all- husband has to take care of it now!! I hear ya on the caving thing. My husband is such a sissy when it comes to his mom. And I always feel bad to because i know he just loves her. He wouldn't want to hurt me either, that's just love. So for us, it needs to be something that we are very very firm on and not budging for him to say something in which case I believe this is! Good luck girl!
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  • 1stCoo1stCoo member

    Forkmama: She does not have a husband or partner that my DH could talk to but I think I/we could talk to my BIL just to simply get an idea of how she was with his children and hopefully get some pointers. Thanks for the great advice and understanding.

    I think a few of you have a great opinion when you mention not telling her when we go into labour. I just remember her calling us up a year ago when my BIL went into surgery for a hernia (he had to get one of his little buddies pulled back out to safety) and she was upset that he didn't want her there. She kept saying to us "But I'm his Mother". Entitled, right!?!  I don't know but if I were a guy getting my buddies readjusted, I definitely wouldn't want my Mother present!  So while keeping the labour a secret is an excellent idea, it's going to cause an uproar to the point that I just KNOW that she'll make the drive and knock at our door. Oh man, see... sick to my stomach just thinking about it. 

    I think I need to sit down and talk to my DH again. I did last week and he agrees that his Mother is going to be an issue. I think I just need to hear from him that he will take this issue on 100% so that I can relax and stop stressing over it  

    I have two wedding cakes to tackle now so I'll check in later. Thanks again everyone!! xo

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  • amwright33amwright33 member
    I get the modesty thing. DH and I are like that. Very private people too. We also want to alone with the baby for two weeks. We told my mom and step dad and they are fine with it. Haven't told ILs yet, but they aren't crazy. Told my dad when he was in town and he was super angry. Apparently he already told everyone that he was going to be there for the birth, in the room. He didn't even ask us what our plan was first. No, no, no and no.

    He has said other things too, so we are not announcing the baby until our alone time is up. Except I do want my MIL and mom to be on standby if I need help. They both live close by.

    It may seem harsh but sometimes you have to be to get the respect and privacy you need. I hope things get better for you.
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  • 1stCoo1stCoo member

    Your Dad wants to be in the delivery room? Ok, some families are close but to just ASSUME (that's the operative word throughout this post) without asking is the very definition of entitlement. I feel for you too, amwright33. How long is your alone time?

    I should also respond to what vrossolille said about the huge roles Grandparents play and how they bring you meals and such. I agree 100% and I'm trying not to be too selfish here. Yes, she'll cook, clean etc but knowing her ...  her definition of help will also include running to the baby when it cries, sing it to sleep, burb and feed etc.  That is NOT helping, it's hindering. And THAT is why I'm not wanting her "help" during our first two weeks together. I really do appreciate your view though. Thank you :)  

    Everyone else in my family understands. Why oh why does this have to be such a struggle with her :( 

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  • kmkrushikmkrushi member
    This just seems all kinds of crazy. Have you never seen your MIL with her other grandkids? Sounds like the mother has custody but you would think you still would have seen them interact at family functions or something! If not, that raises a few extra red flags.

    I hope your husband can help out and set boundaries. Otherwise I won't blame you if you loose your cool and kick her next time she goes to kneel in front of you. Good luck!
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  • anneof2anneof2 member
    1stCoo said:

    Your Dad wants to be in the delivery room? Ok, some families are close but to just ASSUME (that's the operative word throughout this post) without asking is the very definition of entitlement. I feel for you too, amwright33. How long is your alone time?

    I should also respond to what vrossolille said about the huge roles Grandparents play and how they bring you meals and such. I agree 100% and I'm trying not to be too selfish here. Yes, she'll cook, clean etc but knowing her ...  her definition of help will also include running to the baby when it cries, sing it to sleep, burb and feed etc.  That is NOT helping, it's hindering. And THAT is why I'm not wanting her "help" during our first two weeks together. I really do appreciate your view though. Thank you :)  

    Everyone else in my family understands. Why oh why does this have to be such a struggle with her :( 

    I had my parents and sister her family stay with us for about 2 weeks after the birth of my son, it was awful. All they wanted to do was hold the baby and be waited on. I had an brutal c-section and plenty of post-op complications. Yet I had to cook for 8, clean, do laundry (even for our guests), etc. I was just miserable and in a lot of pain and this time I won't allow anyone to stay with us. I need the rest and I need time alone to be able to bond with my baby.
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  • llace987llace987 member
    If I were you I'd just do it right back to her.  It'd only take one time before she figured out it was kinda weird.  My MIL kept wanting to touch my stomach (just touch, no kissing), so the first time she put her had on my tummy I put mine on hers.  And then I reminded her very politely that I only let DH or Dr.'s touch me without permission and since I was not married to her and she didn't have her medical license then she could remove her hand.

    We joke around a lot so she was cool with it and didn't get angry but just touching her back made her get he point.
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  • wulfpackgirlwulfpackgirl member
    I don't want a lot of people at my house the first two weeks either but I'm not going to say no visitors.  Definitely no overnight visitors though.  My mom lives 10 minutes away and I know I will want her help some during the day.  My husband's parents live about 50 minutes away so I'm sure they will come over some but not for long visits.  I will make sure my husband regulates on that.  I want some alone time those first few weeks to bond with the baby.  And I'm going to be trying to breastfeed so I'll probably be half naked most of the time and really don't want anybody around for that except my husband and mom.  I definitely would not want my MIL living with us for two weeks.  No way!  I wouldn't even want my own mother living with us for two weeks!
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  • Ceridwen77Ceridwen77 member
    Wow, reading that made me super uncomfortable. I don't know how you lived through that once, let alone multiple times. You need to stop this behavior immediately. You need to stand up to her and tell her to stop. You don't need to be rude about it, but definitely be firm and set boundaries now or you're going to be in a world of hurt going forward.
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  • 1stCoo1stCoo member

    I'd too would like to try breastfeeding so you raise a very good point, wulfpackgirl. Another reason for keeping overnight guests and lengthy visits at bay.

    Next time she drops to her knees to kiss my belly, I may jokingly say how incredibly it turns me on and she's making her son very jealous right now! lol.  Naw, maybe not. It might backfire on me and give my DH a visual next time he's lingering there ;)  Oh cripes!! lol

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  • Pontot31Pontot31 member
    1stCoo said:

    I'd too would like to try breastfeeding so you raise a very good point, wulfpackgirl. Another reason for keeping overnight guests and lengthy visits at bay.

    Next time she drops to her knees to kiss my belly, I may jokingly say how incredibly it turns me on and she's making her son very jealous right now! lol.  Naw, maybe not. It might backfire on me and give my DH a visual next time he's lingering there ;)  Oh cripes!! lol

    My best friend gave me the best advice about BFing and it's true... She said don't bother with a shirt for the first few weeks because you're either nursing or letting air get to your nipples.
    It was nice getting some time to not be worried about someone standing there while I was figuring it all out. Because seriously I felt like I was topless all day!
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  • kesmeredithkesmeredith member
    Haha I don't mean to laugh at your situation (how horrible!) but your MIL sounds like a crazy person (similar to mine)! You've got to set ground rules early on and stick to them. Don't be afraid to tell her it makes you uncomfortable! I can tell you, you are a better woman than I! I would have freaked/backed up/nervously laughed and probably said something I would have regretted. Hope it gets better soon!
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  • brielise414brielise414 member
    This makes me happy that my MIL is very standoffish and not particularly nice to me! Reading this definitely made me a little ill. And you have way more willpower than me. I'm terrified of my MIL and DH handles anything ugly so I don't have to do deal with her, but even the first time she did that I would have flinched and backed away. I am a very private person, and I get being excited, but that would be way too weird. Even when DH touches my belly I feel uncomfortable… not because we don't touch but it's like, my baby is not the belly!! You're just touching my belly!!! And I would have to clear up the "my baby" thing. This is not your baby. Your baby grew up and is standing right here, now about to have HIS own baby with his wife, not his mom!!!!! 

    As for the two weeks, my parents and in laws both live decently far away. My parents will probably come on the first weekend just for one day since they live 1.5 hours away, but I specified no overnight guests. My in-laws live much further away but I still will specify that they can't stay at our house. They can either stay at SILs apt or a hotel. They almost always stay at a hotel when they come to visit, unless it's really inconvenient… then they want to stay at our house. So I'm guessing that it will probably be a huge deal if we ask them to stay at a hotel, even when they usually do! I will also say if they plan to come for a week that they will only come over 1 or 2 days, and not the entire day. I just think it's important to bond and get into the swing of things. I'll be breastfeeding and learning to cloth diaper, and we'll both be dealing with a crying newborn and be sleep deprived. It would be really overwhelming to have guests over for an extended time while you're getting used to a new baby! 
    BabyFruit Ticker
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  • EMLarieEMLarie member

    Yes as other posters said, don't tell her when you're in labor. You can easily say that your due date got pushed back a bit when you get your 20 week anatomy scan. This is something I would do if I was in your situation, but that is because I wouldn't feel comfortable standing up to my in-laws on my own. They never forget. 

    @-)
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  • FalchasFalchas member
    I'd be squirming with the belly kisses too!  So it sounds like you have gotten lots of good advice on boundaries, but have you and husband talked about that whole wedding comment?  If he can talk her into going to that wedding, that would be important.  Something along the lines of "you have the rest of your life to bond with baby, your son only has one wedding day" and "babies don't always come on time, don't miss out on an important day for such an unknown."  Not only will it keep her occupied while you are getting closer to due date, but how resentful would you feel if you were the groom and his SO being passed over?  No need for more family drama.
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  • vrossolillevrossolille member
    @1stCoo I totally understand! I am one for you do what feels right for you! I always say, That is what makes the world go round~because in the end we aren't the same people, we aren't dealing with the same kind of people, our husbands are different. So im positive you know what's right for you & YOUR family. After you said that, I totally pictured(as you had described previously) her wanting to take on all the baby roles and not necessarily helping with what YOU need help with. I'm also third time mommy which is a little different in itself. We have sports, dinner, school a lot of other things people can help with the other kids. I'm super clingy with my babies to so I know I'll want more help with other "things" than my newborn.
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  • amwright33amwright33 member
    @1stCoo our alone time is two weeks. I haven't told him yet but I also plan on him staying at my brothers or his aunts house instead of mine. We aren't close at all, he left my mom when I was twelve and move clear across the country to cali. Didn't see or hear from him in 5 years but he thinks that he has the right to tell my hubby and I how to live our lives. This is also the guy who told me when I was 10 that I was becoming a chubby with acne and that no guy would love me unless I learn to stop eating. I was in sports and average size. I don't want my daughter to go through that and it stresses me out to think about ever leaving her alone with him.

    I also eloped when I got married because I didn't want him there. My mom and one brother were secretly there though.

    When are you seeing your MIL again?
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  • FilbertTreeFilbertTree member
    I am still speechless. And utterly perplexed by your super human self control. Seriously, if anyone, ANYONE, tried that with me I would have punched them in the throat AND kneed them in the vag. I have no helpful suggestions that havent already been made, but oh lordy I hope you and DH manage to find some way of containing the beast.
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  • TacoSarahTacoSarah member
    She sounds super excited. Whilst I can understand that it's a bit OTT and claustrophobic, try and be understanding and thankful she's so excited and wants to be involved.

    I've heard nothing from my OH's parents, they aren't really interested even though it's their first and probably only grandchild. It really upsets me and I'd love nothing more than for them to be that excited. We even offered to drive to theirs for Christmas with the baby, it's a 3 hour drive, and they said no.

    Too much love is better than none at all.
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  • anneof2anneof2 member
    TacoSarah said:

    She sounds super excited. Whilst I can understand that it's a bit OTT and claustrophobic, try and be understanding and thankful she's so excited and wants to be involved.

    I've heard nothing from my OH's parents, they aren't really interested even though it's their first and probably only grandchild. It really upsets me and I'd love nothing more than for them to be that excited. We even offered to drive to theirs for Christmas with the baby, it's a 3 hour drive, and they said no.

    Too much love is better than none at all.

    DH's dad and step-mom won't answer the phone. His mom changes the subject at any mention of the pregnancy or her grandson. DH's step dad said "You will not get a congratulations from me". My DH keeps trying to connect with his family, but they just don't love him and he cannot see that. I admire his persistence, but I would have given up a long time ago.
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  • Motomama67Motomama67 member
    1stCoo said:

    Your Dad wants to be in the delivery room? Ok, some families are close but to just ASSUME (that's the operative word throughout this post) without asking is the very definition of entitlement. I feel for you too, amwright33. How long is your alone time?

    I should also respond to what vrossolille said about the huge roles Grandparents play and how they bring you meals and such. I agree 100% and I'm trying not to be too selfish here. Yes, she'll cook, clean etc but knowing her ...  her definition of help will also include running to the baby when it cries, sing it to sleep, burb and feed etc.  That is NOT helping, it's hindering. And THAT is why I'm not wanting her "help" during our first two weeks together. I really do appreciate your view though. Thank you :)  

    Everyone else in my family understands. Why oh why does this have to be such a struggle with her :( 

    Okay, first can I just say... What a nut job!! Not for one second should you feel bad for feeling like this or being selfish for wanting your time with YOUR baby! How frustrating, I feel so bad for you. When I was in labor with my son, I had my sister (she's pretty much my mother) and my DH in the delivery room. My MIL kept opening the door as I was, yes, on my hands and knees trying to push a 9lb child out. It was terrible. I kept yelling at her and my nurses. Everytime she opened the door it was a crystal clear perfect view of my woman below. How embarrassing!!! I cannot even believe she would think to have, once again, YOUR BABY call her mother... In a different language...you have to put your foot down or it's going to be hell when you have this child.

    Next time she touches your tummy, tell her your very irritable and your rather her not touch you. Also, when it comes to the delivery room. Tell her (I'm assuming this is your first) that you and your DH are going to take the private route and maybe when you have another you could consider having her.

    Good luck to you... Keep us posted
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  • rubirubi89rubirubi89 member
    Wow! And I thought my mom was overboard. She is there at every ultrasound with me and my husband and sometimes asks me to send him away so we can see the baby alone. Im pretty cut throat though (got it from her) and told her it was rude as hell to even say that.
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  • splaughtersplaughter member
    My MIL just touched my belly a few days ago and looked at her and said don't touch me. She looked shocked but if she does it again I may smack her hand. I am not a touchy person and she knows that. It doesn't change bc im pregnant. You and your husband need to lay out boundaries. If she doesn't like them she can stay away
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