MIL being insensitive? (vent)

busterbeagle

Has anyone else had any issues with family trying to "own" your loss in a way?  My in-laws tried to spring an unplanned visit on us this weekend, knowing very well what we are going through right now and what the week ahead holds for us, me especially (D&C on Friday).  I told DH that I wasn't comfortable having houseguests during my recovery, and that it would be more stress than comfort to have them here right now.  I don't even want to be around my OWN family right now, and I don't have the closest relationship with DH's family.  Besides that, I really need DH to myself right now, and I feel a little bit selfish about that, but I need him to go through this with me.

Today DH tried to explain to his mother that this weekend would not be a good time to visit.  I only heard his end of the conversation, but I'm pretty sure she threw a fit about it.  She feels insulted and like we don't love them, which is totally absurd.  I can understand that it's hard to be far away during something like this, but DH is handling it well enough and does not feel like he needs them to come rushing for him.  My mom says she is "pissed" about the way MIL is acting, but I know that it is mostly that she feels extra protective of me right now and doesn't want me dealing with any unneccessary problems.

DH called back later tonight because he wanted to talk to both of his parents about it.  This time he talked to his dad, who seemed more understanding about me needing recovery time, but also talked about how hard MIL is taking the loss.  I understand that it is hard, but I feel like she is trying to make this about her: her losing what would have been a grandchild, her being kept from her son, etc.  She even left the room during the call, so I know she is mad about it.  I hope this doesn't make me sound like a bad person, but I just really need this to be about me, my recovery, and my needs both emotional and physical.  It helps me a lot to think of the miscarriage in clinical terms rather than emotional ones, and I don't even like thinking of the embryo as a baby and all the hopes and dreams that come with a baby.  My own family has kept their grieving away from me, so they can be strong when I come to them.  But I feel like the way MIL is handling it is making it all the more difficult to deal with and actually making me feel guilty, stressed, and angry when I really don't need any more negative emotions.

I think what bothers me about it is that they TOLD us rather than ASKED us about coming to visit, and when we asked them to hold off and explained our reasoning, she flipped out about it instead of respecting what we need. 

Thanks for listening to me complain, I'm sure I'm not the only one dealing with extra headaches on top of the trauma.

88eve88

I never told my family about my pregnancy, so they don't know about my m/c either, but just reading your vent is making MY blood boil.  It does sound like your MIL has a bad case of the "me, me, me"s right now.  Perhaps she once suffered a terrible loss and is now reliving it through you??  Or maybe she's just an egocentric person.  Either way, it's YOUR loss before anyone else's (even your husband), so you have every right to feel the way you do.  Perhaps once your MIL has calmed down a bit, someone can talk some sense into her.  I hope everything settles down quickly so you can get the mental and physical rest you need.  Take care.

Fallon621

88eve88:

I never told my family about my pregnancy, so they don't know about my m/c either, but just reading your vent is making MY blood boil.  It does sound like your MIL has a bad case of the "me, me, me"s right now.  Perhaps she once suffered a terrible loss and is now reliving it through you??  Or maybe she's just an egocentric person.  Either way, it's YOUR loss before anyone else's (even your husband), so you have every right to feel the way you do.  Perhaps once your MIL has calmed down a bit, someone can talk some sense into her.  I hope everything settles down quickly so you can get the mental and physical rest you need.  Take care.

This exactly!  could not have said it any better myself.  But do know that grandparents had hopes and dreams and day dreamt about their little grandbaby looking into their eyes for the first time with love and that was taken from them too.. OF COURSE NOT BY YOU.  She may not be understanding if your needs but you can at least be the bigger person and understand her grieving process!  HTH  ((HUGS)) to you.

NodaFam2011

Mine went the other way...  This whole weekend as i was m/c, i got calls from the family all expressing how it was no ones fault and it will happen again, i mean just beautiful words that made my very tearful. Even my 17 yr old sister in law said the most beautiful things i could have sworn she googled it before she called me but i still i was very happy to hear from her, but her mom... my MIL... uffff... she just kept tell my DH how it could have happened..what i did wrong...and after he told her 20 times that doctor just said " these things happen" She kept pressing that i must have done something wrong. I was floored. Everyone visited for about 15 min..,his grandparents, my brothers, my mom. His mom did not come to visit.  This comes from someone who M/C  twice herself and TTC for 10 yrs.  But she did have success in having children after and i really wanted to hear it would be possible. Its hard you know going to the OBGYN, for 3 days in a row, seeing all the happy glowing preg. mommies and your sitting there with your husband in sweats and a pad on, and a million thought race by your head and all you want to hear is positive things from your family and i did, but the one person that i thought would have a mountain of info..blamed the m/c on me.

missy418

When I was waiting to have my D & E, my in laws desperately wanted to visit, especially since is was my DH birthday was over that weekend. My mother who has had m/c talked to my in laws about giving us space, and waiting for us to call for them, which we eventually did after about three days. My mother was able to talk to a lot of other family members for me also, which was helpful. Sometimes the mans parents (as per my father) in general are more disconnected from the son, which makes it difficult for them to behave empathetically during a time like this due to a yearning to become close to their son in order to gain some type of lost attention/connection. 

I am sorry for your loss. 

baileyd1

I TOTALLY think she is being insensitive. My MIL is doing the same thing. I had a D&C on 1/2/11 and my MIL called DH everyday that week to tell him how sad SHE was and what SHE was doing to cope with the loss. I could not believe it when DH told me this. I can't imagine how he felt during those phone calls. To make matters worse, she also told his whole fricken family about the loss! We didn't tell anyone but our parents we were pregnant b/c we didn't want to go through a public miscarriage if it came to that. MIL knew this and did it anyway.

Just don't worry about her and take care of yourself and DH. You definitely have enough to worry about w/o having to deal with a crazy person!

Laurakat81

Wow. I'm really sorry you are dealing with someone so selfish right now. You are right to feel the way you do!