please help...need your wisdom/advice (long)...

lovin life23

My cousin (who is one of my best friends in the world) her DH have never used protection (in the 3 yrs they've been married) and have only ever had him "pull out" just before finishing the deed as their sort if birth control. She had a m/c a year ago, and while they never planned to get pg or were actually "trying" it was obviously upsetting none the less

She recently told me that they want to start TTC next September but if they happen to get pg before then thats okay too)...which I was soooo excited about and she came to ONLY me since she knows my DH and I are TTC right now...my question is:

If they havent been using any protection for nearly 3 years and their only pregnancy ended in m/c at about 5 wks...and they want to wait another year to actively start TTC...should I AT ALL bring up testing for them both as far as fertility testing etc? I love her dearly and only want the best for them both ESPECIALLY after that one m/c and I just want to help in anyway..even if that means being the one to bring up wondering about fertility issues...I just want to be sure to be sensitive and not hurt her or cause more worry but I also want  to help her see all options..or possibly get help/info asap so as to not go thru a long (actively) TTC time period incase anything is going on...already ordered TCOYF for her on Amazon as a lil gift and maybe that will help....i mean I'm not even certainany of this is needed-but what if?...what should I do? ::sigh::

JenniferAnnes

I don't think it's your place to bring it up.  If she comes to you in the future and asks advice, you'd be okay to listen and offer suggestions, but I don't think you should initiate.  For all you know, they might be perfectly fine and not have problems TTC at all.

Giving her a copy of TCOYF would be a nice/useful gift.  I think everyone should read it.

RhodyMomToBe

IMO, you're crossing the line.  MH and I used the pull out method for over a year and half and I did not wind up pregnant.  Are you saying I should start testing for fertility issues?  While the pull out method does not work for some people, it doesn't mean that the people it DOES work for have fertility issues.

HappyAardvark

Why the delete and repost?

RhodyMomToBe

HappyAardvark:

Why the delete and repost?

I thought maybe she realized how ridiculous she sounded but I guess not. 

sapphire1983

I wouldn't worry. It always freaks me out when people say that pull and pray is their method of birth control but it seems much more common than you'd think. It's also a good sign that she was able to get pregnant before.

 

HeatherMichele

Well, I think it might be a little premature since they aren't having full-blown unprotected sex.  Not that pulling out is safe sex...

If you for sure do want to bring it up... then maybe start talking to her about your testing [if you've had any] or that you're thinking of having some testing done and maybe she'll chime in with some opinions about it or concerns she may be having about her [eventual] ttc.  At least it could be an opened door on the subject without her feeling forced into. 

 

cyndielise

One miscarriage isn't always a sign of infertility.  I would say don't stress her out, because with a miscarriage she's already gonna be stressed next time they get pregnant.  If anything, send thoughts and prayers her way, and try to be encouraging and supportive.

You might tell your story of how you wish you'd tested sooner or how it helped you a lot, but try to let her revel in her excitement.  :]  We all know this can be a super stressful time as it is.  :]

Hope that helps!  :]

lovin life23

RhodyMomToBe:

IMO, you're crossing the line.  MH and I used the pull out method for over a year and half and I did not wind up pregnant.  Are you saying I should start testing for fertility issues?  While the pull out method does not work for some people, it doesn't mean that the people it DOES work for have fertility issues.

No, no...thats not what I'm saying at all..I was just thinking that after 3 yrs of unprotected sex and her (telling me) that she hasnt seen her OB/GYN since her m/c and wondering all about TTC and what I know (so far)....what advice/info I should give her...this post was just asking if I should tell/give her anything regarding TTC/infertility..I totally DONT want to cross a line or offend or hurt her...thats why I posted here...

natkay02

(Ugh. Couldn't stay away while my computer is right in front of me at work.)

We used the "pull and pray" method of BC for about a year before we began actively trying. Any pre-*** is usually killed immediately by the bacteria in the vagina. Of course, it isn't as effective as other forms of birth control and we evaluated the chance of me getting pregnant vs. me staying on BC pills.

It never crossed my mind to consider that I have fertility issues when we weren't actually trying. If you time everything correctly (and are NOT pulling out) there is still less than a 20% chance to get pregnant each cycle.

Regardless of the method of BC they are using, IMO I definitely don't think its your place to suggest it.

lovin life23

HappyAardvark:

Why the delete and repost?

KateBee

IMO I wouldn't say anything unless she asks. Giving her the book would be a nice touch since she's told you that she's trying. Maybe say that you've learned a lot from it and you thought she'd enjoy it or something along those lines.

lovin life23

HappyAardvark:

Why the delete and repost?

 

When I first posted it didnt seem to go thru after 10 minutes so I reposted it....only to find I had double-posted after all and TheBump was just taking longer to load/post it....oops

lovin life23

HappyAardvark:

Why the delete and repost?

RhodyMomToBe

lovin life23:

RhodyMomToBe:

IMO, you're crossing the line.  MH and I used the pull out method for over a year and half and I did not wind up pregnant.  Are you saying I should start testing for fertility issues?  While the pull out method does not work for some people, it doesn't mean that the people it DOES work for have fertility issues.

I was just thinking that after 3 yrs of unprotected sex and her (telling me) that she hasnt seen her OB/GYN since her m/c and wondering all about TTC and what I know (so far)....what advice/info I should give her..

Honestly, if you want to give her good advice then encourage her to go see her OBGYN for a preconception check-up.  She is most likely due for her pap anyway and if she (or the OBGYN) have an concerns about TTC then they can discuss them there.

WifeofMrA

I think its way too sensitive of a subject for you to bring up. If she starts talking to you about ..go nuts..but it's not your place to initiate a conversation about it.

jillybean1012

jefa621:

I'm going to have to go with a big Um No on this one.  While obviously not foolproof, the pull out method is a form of avoiding pregnancy, and you don't know that they even have sex during her fertile window.  I would be like WTF if someone brought that up to me when we weren't even trying.  If and when they start trying, and they have tried for a year, then it might be worth talking about. 

 

This 

lovin life23

thanks ladies! I wont bring anything up..will just give her TCOYF when it comes in and just be here for support  

doozer1345

What my doc has told me is that m/c of course suck, but it tells you at least you can get pg...I'm confused.

veronicafvr

I think you are over thinking this. My DH and I used the pull out method for almost 5 years without getting pregnant. I think the book is a nice gesture and if and when she should be concerned she will put 2 and 2 together.

dogparkdiva

I think it is something she should talk to her doctor about....if she is thinking of TTC she probably already has/or soon will discuss it with her doctor.  Then her doctor will decide what is the next step to take.  I know you are concerned and I think that depending on your relationship, it is something you could approach with her without sounding like you are butting in to much...she is your bff/family!  My husband and I used the pull out method for 7 years.  I mentioned this to my doctor and she said she would give us 6 months of trying and then she wanted to start testing.  I had bloodwork done and my husband had a SA, all came back normal. 

tlynnus

Yeah, I wouldn't say anything.  DH & I used the pull out method for at least a year before we TTC our first.  We got pregnant on our first cycle. Obviously not getting pregnant using pull out doesn't mean infertility problems.