Venting (Google sucks)

lhcooper

Long story short, in an idle moment yesterday I googled my ex-boyfriend, whom I was with for 7 years at just about the most fertile time of my life (i.e. age 26-32 -- we broke up 6 years ago, he got engaged to someone else, they got married 5 years ago).  Then I equally idly googled his wife, who is 45 years old.  At which point I come across the announcement of the birth of their baby girl this Thanksgiving.

I CANNOT stop thinking about this.  I am jealous, resentful, mad, sad, etc.  Obviously I know nothing about what they went through to have this baby...my ex and I are not in touch. But...well, you all know what I mean, I don't have to explain.  I am happily married, but I am thinking about missed opportunities (i.e. younger eggs), and I am also thinking about what my ex (whom I loved very much, despite all the reasons that drove us to break up) is like with his new baby...and so forth.  It was supposed to be us...like five years ago or so.  And again, I say this even though I am now very happily married to DH.  Aaaggghhhhhh!!!!  Any tips on how to stop thinking about this would be welcome.  Yoga tonight helped some but not enough.

Ultrasound in preparation for my (probably) last IUI is tomorrow.  CD 9 instead of 10 so that I get my regular RE rather than the substitute whom I do not like at all.  Even though I know it's a day early I think it will still be hard for me to hear about smaller follicles...assuming there will be follicles, though there have been each time so hopefully....

boymamaco

Ugh, I'm so sorry. I know how you feel. I have two ex's that I spent way too much time with. One - it was supposed to be him. The other - was just a waste of time during my late 20's/early 30's. Ugh. I've tracked them both at times (I hate/love Facebook for that) and know how I will feel once they have their first.

Hugs. Maybe write down your feelings. Write yourself a letter forgiving yourself for the time lost and the mistakes made. Get it all down on paper - just make sure to either hide it or burn it up.

Sending you lots of hugs and best wishes for this cycle!

kbrodie06

I am so sorry. I will tell you, not only are we on the same cycle and today is cycle day  uh?? 8 i think for me, but what you have posted is similar to my thinking regarding my life. HOwever, mine is regarding pregnancy and 20 years ago. I hear you and feel for you. I am so sorry and I really hope that we are both going to get better news on this IUI cycle!!! We both deserve better and great news and BFP for the new year.

If you ever want to talk, i am around to talk and you can email me also at kristin at eventsbykristin.com  any time!!! Here for you and crossing my fingers for fantastic news tomorrow! Thoutghts and dust for you!!!

Kristin

KZ2010

Oh yes, the dreaded "googling the ex".  I think we've all done it and I can't name one person who felt better afterwards.  My first real love (together from senior year of high school through one year post undergrad) is now married with a 3-year-old daughter and another on the way.  I felt the exact same way you do when I found out about their first baby and again when they announced this pregnancy on Facebook.  (I found out both through a mutual friend).  

I think your feelings of anger, resentment, jealousy, etc are completely normal, especially when you feel you spent very fertile years with that person.  Try not to beat yourself up too badly.  I hope having the support of everyone here on the board is helpful to you.  ((hugs))     

lhcooper

Thanks for the support, all.  This is going to sound really catty, but one of the ways I was dealing with whatever residual resentment I have towards my ex (for example, we break up after 7 years, he's engaged 4 months later to someone else....) was a (admittedly sick) feeling of satisfaction that they hadn't had children (which I knew he wanted, which we talked about having together) and that they probably wouldn't given her age.  So that made this news an extra shock that I have to process, since one of my supports for dealing with what little I know of their life/marriage has been taken away (added reasons for jealousy: they live in a big city I would like to live in myself, they've gotten to live in Europe because of her job, she's thin and blond and blue-eyed and in many ways my exact physical and temperamental opposite).  Plus, I knew his family so well, and they cut me off entirely after we broke up (despite my reaching out via a Christmas card after the fact), and I keep imagining them all cooing over this baby.....again, aagggghhhhhh.