new to blog - problems with husbands ex wife
Colleenm1016
member
I'm new to this site, so I don't really know all of the lingo yet.... As much as I don't wish these problems on anyone else, part of me is hoping that some of you have experienced this so that you can provide some advice!
Ever since I met my husband about 5 years ago, I have had problems with his ex. They were split when I met him, as she had cheated on him. Since we've been together, we keep saying that things are "going to get better". We thought once the divorce was finalized, then we thought once we had a place together, then we thought once we were married. Since we have been together she has been extremely upset about it and does anything to make us upset. They have two kids together, and unfortunately lately she is using them now. They have a 6 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. Since we got married his daughter started calling me mommy. I of course didn't mind, but never made her or encouraged her to call me anything. Her mother is extremely upset about this and she even came over last week saying that her mom would punish her if she said this. Although their son doesn't say anything when he's over, I believe he tattles on her if she does say mommy to me. Now this week their son got a laptop. My husband sey him up on instant messanger so that they could chat when he's not here. I added him as well and of course got blocked by his mom. My husband re added me but he won't talk to me and I'm assuming it's because she is saying he'll be in trouble if he talks to me. I don't need her to like me, but I'm having a really hard time with her bringing the kids into this too. It's sad to think that they are afraid to like me :-(
She obviously has some problems and has done things like keep the kids from us in the past when my husband argues with her and doesn't go according to her plans. So, of course he doesn't want to bring anything up or say anything to her about this unruley and innapropriate behavior. I feel like he needs to do something or else she will think this is ok. He always says we can't change what she will do, which I understand, but I feel like not saying anything is the same as saying it's ok.
I just don't know that I can handle this anymore, please help!
Re: new to blog - problems with husbands ex wife
I don't think she should be calling you mommy, even though you are not telling her to call you that, you are not telling her not to. The mom should not be making the kids feel bad or think they are going to be punished for liking or calling you mom. But when she started calling you mommy you should have said, no sweetie, I'm not mommy, I'm blah blah. Either have her call you by your first name or a nickname.
Does your DH have a CO? If so she can not withold the children. FI dealt with the same issues of not agreeing with BM on something and her using her "power" to not let him see SS. Now that we have the CO life is SO much better.
DH or H= darling husband
FI= fiance
CO= Court Order or Custody Order
BM= Birth/Bio Mother
SM= Step mother
DD/DS= darling daughter/son
SD/SS= stepdaughter/son
The court order is a legal document that must be upheld and enforced. B/c your H isn't enforcing his rights set forth in the CO he is allowing her to disregard the court and the law. There are consequences and they can go from a slap on the wrist to jail time. Interfering with court ordered parenting time doesn't go over well.
You and he need to research what are his rights (these are usually spelled out in the CO) and he needs to enforce them before he rolls over and gives them away.
And you should come up w/ a special mom-like nickname...one of the posters's kids call her honey, another has the nickname bean, yet another is mia.
The children have an active mother in their lives, even if it was initiated by the child you/your h should have an alternative name for you. Because it's hurtful.
There are so many feelings as a BM...even if she is the one that wanted to split...the grief of the death of a relationship and a dream, the giving up a certain amount of control of people in the children's lives, and separation anxiety experienced by the mother is really overwhelming.
Following the boundaries consistently in the CO creates the new normal and stepping up and being the active father that won't give up his rights just b/c she throws her tantrum sometimes is enough. It rocks the boat and changes the dynamic of the relationship. They have to learn to co-parent.
Sweetie said it so much better than me!
I so agree on not letting DH give up, he needs to enforce his rights. Recently we have had SS, who is 11 saying he "hates coming here on weekends" "hates his dad", ect. right before he is suppose to come to our house(We think a lot of this is coming from things BM is telling SS). FI had a really good talk with him about him understanding his hurt and feelings(FI is from divorced parents), but that no matter what he loves him and wants to spend time with him. At 11 yeah he might say he hates it, but we know that FI is doing the right thing by taking him EOW and his holidays, showing that SS means the world to him and that no matter what, he loves him. When he is older he will realize FI fought for his relationship with him and wasn't willing to lose it.
Sweetie did a great job. I will reiterate that you should not have let her call you Mommy, she has a Mommy and while you are her SM you are not her Mommy...think of how it would feel to you to hear your child call someone else Mommy? And do not assume everything you hear back from SS is 100% accurate b/c if he is tattling he might be playing sides too. Tell SD that she has a Mom already but that you can come up with a special name for her to call you. And if it is making issues worse I do not see any reason you need to be on SS's IM, yes it might be nice but it sounds like you are pushing harder than SS wants you to and it is also causing issues with his mother. Oh, and to say that she is unruley makes her sound like a 13yo kid, meaning that you are trying to make her sound like a kid you are trying to control. Honestly I think you need to find your place in this BM family instead of you trying to find her place since her place is already established.
If you are married it is not cool that she is calling you "girlfriend name" BUT you are NOT her Momma so stop pretending you are and your issue would go away. That is what I do not get around here, if people would stop digging in their heels and stop being all irate b/c a BM is not ok with you pretending to be the child's mother and just have the child call you any other name in the world not does not insinuate just b/c you are dating, engaged to or married the father it makes you the mother!
So you weren't even married at the time and you couldn't see why the BM had an issue with this? And you are SHOCKED / PISSED that BM would put a stop to it at that point?
This is why Step Parents get such back names.
I agree with this. I never even said to my SD that I am now her stepmom after getting married, BM actually told her and SD said to me "you're my stepmom", but she only calls me by my first name. I think I would feel weird if my Skids called me Mom.
Ugh! You poor thing. You're in a rough spot. The situation doesnot sound fun, but it does sound familiar. Hang in there, it sounds likethere are several things making the most difficult job in the world even moreso for you. This is long, but bear with me.
Ifeel differently about the "mommy" thing than most of the postershere. (I am both a stepmom and a biological mom.) While I canunderstand the grating, searing pain of having your child call another woman byany derivative of "mother" I vehemently disagree withinstructing the child against calling you mom. Obviously your hubby's exis having a meltdown over it and you are the only one to decide if it's worthwading into the mud on this one, most importantly what the effects are on thechild and how can you mitigate that damage? However, telling yourstepchild that she is NOT to call you mother could hurt the child. I'massuming here you do all of the "mommy" things and assume the role ofcaretaker alongside your husband while respecting and encouraging the child?slove of his biological mother.
Fromthe mouth of babes: I was engaged to a man with a 2 year old and with himfor four years. This little two year old explained the situationsuccinctly: I was her "friend mommy" because I was her friendbut did all the mommy things for her when she was with us. Her"first mommy" is the mommy whose tummy she lived in. She wouldregularly interchange both my first name and mom and no one told her anydifferent. It worked for her and that is what mattered. We didn'tencourage things one way or the other. Fortunately, her "firstmommy" was secure enough in her role and place as mother that she didn'tbalk over a preschooler's way of figuring things out.
Mystepson began calling me "mom" the weekend I married his father. We did not discuss with him what to call me, but let him make thedecision. About two weeks into in, he began stuttering over what to callme and correcting himself if he called me mom, he even corrects me if Irespond or say that ?mommies have eyesin the back of their heads, etc.? I told him he could call me whatever hewas comfortable with. However, he had been instructed NOT tocall me mom by his biological mom. This presents difficulty afterdifficulty ? for the child!! He panics and will explain to perfectstrangers in a nervous voice that I was not his mom but ?just his stepmom.? He is terrified that someone might get the "wrong" idea that I washis mother and he would get in trouble with his "real mom". Why would a loving parent do that to herchild? Selfishness, insecurity and poorparenting are the answer.
Iknow I'll get roasted for this, but as a mom on both sides of the coin I feelthat there are some absolutes:
* Part of what a divorce brings is the possibility ofanother mother or father figure into your child's life. We need to accept thatpotential if ending things with the other bio-parent.
* No one can take your place in your child's heart,regardless of what a great (or terrible) parent you are.
* The pronoun Mom is not a knighthood or title of honor. Itis what you make of it by the type of parent you are to your child. Likewise it cannot be taken away, it is inthe actions of the mother, not the title.
* A child calling another person by this pronoun doesn'tdiminish or disrespect your place in the child's life. That's in yourhead and for you to get over.
Ifeel it?s selfish and petty of a bio-mom to get up in arms about a pronoun. Dodging your own insecurity by foisting yourissue off on your child, thereby creating trouble for the child isirresponsible and the height of selfishness.
Iagree with you that silence equals agreement. However, make sure that you pick your battles. Is she being a manipulative (insert naughtyword)? Yes, she is. But you have threethings to protect; your marriage, the children and you. Protecting the children is done by lovingthem, caring for them and sometimes forcing her to abide by the Custody Order(CO). You don?t want these childrengrowing up thinking they weren?t worth the effort or the fight. BioMom islegally bound to abide by it and your husband needs to enforce it, through thecourts or the police if need be.
Findyour custody order/divorce decree, read it 10 times and get a certified copyfrom the Court and clarification from an attorney if need be. Keep a certifiedcopy in each car. The police can andwill refer to it.
Starta daily journal regarding the kids. Every day write what you did, who picked them up, any drama with appropriatedetails, times of text messages, phone calls, etc. (You and your hubby shouldbe saving each and every written encounter with the ex. Especially those whereshe frankly refuses him the children.)
Recordcalls. Generally, under most state laws,you can record a telephone conversation without telling the other party if itis between you and the other party. Check your state?s law on this and begin recording all calls. This can be a goldmine if you end up goingback to court.
Geta lawyer, the best you can afford. Most custodyissues will cost upwards of 20 to 50K depending on where you live. Get an estimate from the attorney as to thepossible cost, then double it. If youdon?t have this money, think very very hard and weigh the possible outcomeversus the current situation.
Studyyour little heart out. There aremillions of books about being a good stepmother, wife and person regardless ofhow difficult or easy the other party is being. If nothing else, it gives you a sense of solidarity.
Realizeyou just need to let go of the little petty things that she does. Recognize that she is only hurting herself,her children and her life by the digs she gets in. Kids will eventually grow up and understandhow inappropriate her behavior was. Theywon?t love her less, nor would you want them to; they?ll just realize herdysfunction and appreciate what they learned from you. Embody graciousness, kindness and lovedespite the difficulty of rising above her actions. And there are days and moments where thiswill be a herculean effort on your part.
Goodluck, Godspeed and hang in there.
Um, really? After all this time you are now going to say that she is not a Mom at all, if that is the case then she would not see or talk to the child and you would have no issues but since that does not appear to be the case you have lost all credibility.
And yes I agree that SD getting in trouble for it is wrong but for you to think that many totally normal good Mothers would not have an issue with the Mom thing is something to say, "cmon people" you are wrong, not us.
As for the post from "paralackey", you have 4 posts on this website and are probably completely made up. I refuse to read more than the first sentence since you seem to be an 8yo child typing, actually many 8yos type way better. And to start with a poor you comment is laughable since the OP brought this on herself by not acknowledging that the BM has an issue with her using the Mom title and if she would just stop pushing on this then the issue would go away.
YOU LOST ALL CREDIBILITY WHEN YOU POSTED THIS.
While the Federal Law does allow for non-law enforcement officials to record their phone conversations without the consent of the other party, it is VERY CLEAR that they can only be recorded when there is a threat of kidnapping, extortion, bribery or another felony involving violence.
And the individual State laws (38 states to be exact) follow those parameters.
So while you may be able to record the phone conversations legally (and that is only in SOME states, but federaly it it is not legal), the content is useless unless it meets the above criteria.
There is so much snark on these boards tonight it's disgusting.
FWIW, it sounds to me like SD calling SM "Mommy" is the least of BM's issues. No, she shouldn't be allowed to call SM that, but it doesn't sound to me like OP pushing that issue would solve the problem.