***lelekay***

redshoegirl

I read what you wrote in the check in, and I just wanted to say you're not alone. Having a baby is a HUGE adjustment. Even though you're expecting it to be, it still is - you've spent decades with your life heading one direction, and having a baby totally changes that. And even though you know it's going to happen and expect it, in a way you can never really be prepared.

I ran into some similar feelings at about the same time...we were past the really rough newborn stage and getting into a routine, and I finally had a chance to catch my breath (so to speak). And when I did, what came out was, "What happened to my life?" Not in a really bad way, just in an "OMG my life is sooooo incredibly different now." Everything - EVERYTHING - changes, and I think it's natural to miss some of the old things, and even grieve about them a bit.

I miss having my free time to myself. I can grab an hour here and there, but it's not the same as just having YOU time without a limit or a care in the world.

I miss sleeping in on the weekends. The boys are up at almost exactly 7am every morning (I swear they have a built in alarm clock), and obviously we have to get up then too. What I wouldn't give to be able to sleep in again. 9am, that's all I want! Just 9am! Sometimes Ben will take care of them solo on a Saturday morning so I can grab an extra hour or two, but even though that's awesome, it's just not the same.

I miss lazy time. Every evening until 7.30pm is all about the boys, and then after that it still kind of is - we have to wash bottles, do laundry, prepare all their stuff for the next day, etc etc etc.

I miss sexy time. Yeah, we still have it, but it's not the same. My body isn't the same (which makes me incredibly self conscious), it's not as spontaneous, and to be totally honest I just don't seem to feel like it as much (I'm actually starting to wonder if the Mirena has given my libido a bit of a smackdown). 

I miss going out to dinner. We can't take Will and Dash out at night (it's not worth my life to mess with their bedtime), so we can only go out to eat if we get a sitter, and...blah. Effort. 

I miss extra expendable income. This is probably flammable, but oh well, because you know what? I DO miss it. Before we TTC'd, I drew up a projected budget for a baby, and it was totally fine. Then we had twins, and a lot of the cost saving measures I'd planned - like breastfeeding - didn't work out. We spend about $400 a month just on formula (the only kind they tolerate well is THE most expensive brand), not to mention all the other expenses, and obviously day care is going to be craaaazy with two kids. We can still pay all our bills, save a little and have a few minor extras occasionally, but damn I miss having more cash.

I'm going to stop now because I know this is getting super long, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone. So don't beat yourself up, and maybe find someone to talk to if it helps (you can message me anytime, but I know it's different to talk to someone in person).

 

debbiezoey

Thanks, Lisa, for starting this post.  I read lelekay's earler post and definitely wanted to say something too as it broke my heart and I could totally relate!

First of all, thank you for being so honest with your true feelings.  It's so easy to get caught up in the excitement of having a new baby and all the information that's coming your way.  First teeth, crawling, etc.I t really takes a brave woman to come on this board with all the good news that goes on and say, "Hey, everything isn't perfect."   I totally get what you're feeling about your new life with H and as much as you love them, it can be very easy to resent them at the same time. 

 My daughter is far from a baby, but I remember it as if it were yesterday.  I was a single mom at the time and everything in my life just seemed to come to a complete halt.   I was stuck at home with a baby all day is how I truly felt.  I really never was a baby person and although I took the best care of her I could, I didn't find it very rewarding or interesting until she got much older.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that in my case, it DOES get better, MUCH better.  I loved when she was old enough to communicate back to me, respond to commands and voice her opinions.  Showing emotions, whether good or bad, and being able to express them were much more satisfying to me in my parenting and I just started to feel better about it. And for me, this is when I started getting my old life back.  Things just weren't so difficult anymore.  I could sleep all night, we could easily go places together and I could go places alone with the confidence of leaving her with someone else as I could explain this to her and she understood.  I cooked again, she helped.  You get the idea.  You do come back to yourself eventually, it just takes time.

Even though you have a husband, having him not very involved must be incredibly frustrating as I'm sure your visions of a family were quite different from what is actually happening.  Lots of men just don't get it and don't realize how much is involved in caring for a little one.  My only advice is to get away for a few days, if possible, leaving H with YH, on his own.  He'll get it then!  He'll have to! 

Take care and I'm thinking of you.  Remember, it WILL get easier, I promise!

lelekay

Thank you so much.  I've read both your responses several times, and they both touch my heart right now....especially after a rough night last night!

Simply put, this is hard!!!  And yes, you know that going in, but you can never really be prepared, can you?  And it's not all the time....we have moments of pure magic together every day.  But you're right, Lisa....the newborn phase has gone away, but now I'm left with what is to become my life now.  The constantness of caring for an infant is difficult for the body, mind, and spirit.  No, I wouldn't change a thing, but that doesn't mean it's not still hard.

I can't wait for what you describe, debbiezoey....the time when we can cook and eat together, and he can communicate his needs and emotions better, and I, too, can communicate to him what is happening better!  Not to say I don't sometimes enjoy this baby phase, too, but it's really hard (as I'm sure every phase is hard in it's own way)!

(Oh, and Lisa, not flammable at all about the cash thing!  All I do anymore is buy formula, diapers, and clothes--he grows so darn fast!  I agree that a lot of the money-saving plans we had are proving to be more difficult than expected, for several reasons.  And though MH takes care of daycare, it basically means there's very little leftover for us.  Okay....whine done!   )

MrsNJSwimmer

i wanted to add that  friend of mine had ppd, but not until 6-9 months after her son was born - she thought this was too late to have it, but her doctor said that's pretty common too - so don't think you're weird or whatever. 

I still struggle with things like missing myself or being envious that DH will find time to do things for himself but I always seem to be doing everything that involves the baby - what do we feed him/how much/when, when do we start to take away bottle (recently), I'm always the one calling the dr/pharmacy, etc, how do we do this that and the other thing, oh and are you done shopping for Christmas yet?, plus I'm working FT.  We just had a talk this morning b/c he will dilly-dally around when I'm trying to get ready for work and he won't take the baby so I can leave, etc.... but it's coming to the point where people at work are really getting annoyed about my absenses and I don't blame them (DH has been having medical issues still lately), but work doesn't care - they just know I'm not there.  So the struggles continue, but I think it's important to talk to DH to make sure he understands how you feel too - b/c he might be feeling some of the same things. When I started to talk to him about it this morning, he was like  'oh, you're in one of THOSE moods" and I was about ready to punch him, but he finally got the point later and came to talk to me before I left for work..ok this is getting long and rambling, but I just wanted to say you're not alone

redshoegirl

MrsNJSwimmer:

being envious that DH will find time to do things for himself but I always seem to be doing everything that involves the baby

There's this, too. Ben is very involved, but unlike me, if he wants to do a "him" thing, he has no problem just getting up and leaving the room to go to another part of the house to work on a project or whatever (and therefore automatically leaving me to care for the boys). I, on the other hand, practically never do that. Sometimes I'll say, "Ben, I'm going to go do X" and then do it, but I don't think I've ever just gotten up and left without a word, just because I feel like doing "me" stuff. It actually made me very resentful for a while, and when I spoke to him about it, he was surprised. "But you can do that too." "Yeah...but if I did, you'd get really annoyed at me, wouldn't you?" And he had to admit he would. I don't know why I'm more aware of things like this than he is.

Oh, and 99.999% of the time, I'm the one saying, "They want food/I smell a dirty diaper/it's bedtime/etc." - I'm the observer and time keeper. If you asked Ben when they last ate and when they're likely to want to eat again, he'd probably give you a blank look before guessing. I always wonder what he does on the occasional day when he watches them by himself...

inamra

debbiezoey:

First of all, thank you for being so honest with your true feelings.  It's so easy to get caught up in the excitement of having a new baby and all the information that's coming your way.  First teeth, crawling, etc.I t really takes a brave woman to come on this board with all the good news that goes on and say, "Hey, everything isn't perfect."   I totally get what you're feeling about your new life with H and as much as you love them, it can be very easy to resent them at the same time. 

This!

Yeah, things get rough with any change, but with a first baby being such a big thing, it really can turn your world upside down. Actually, we had a horribly rough 1st month+. I don't think I even really talked to anyone about it because I'm usually the type that feels like I need to be strong an fix my own problems so I *never* want to ask someone for help. MH ended up getting help for me behind my back and I was upset when I first found out but in hindsight, I'm so glad he did. By month 3, I was doing a lot better and settling into the schedule and things more and I agree that it does get easier gradually, so don't despair!

Don't be too quick to brush off the baby blues or even possible PDD. Baby blues can last a while and PDD can come at anytime after delivering. I think my baby blues was roughly about 2 months long but it was REALLY REALLY bad for at least a whole month. I'd sometimes cry inconsolably nonstop day after day and I rarely cried pre-baby. So hang in there and lean on family and friends for support and any kind of help (with the baby/errands/chores/anything).

I also agree with getting away and having YH take care of H for a while. I think MH only understood and appreciated more what it's like when I started working and he was staying at home with LO. I remember the first weeks, he'd call or message me CONSTANTLY, going, "OMG, I can't get him to do A/B/C" or "Why is he...?" and pulling his hair out =P THEN, he got it...taking care of a baby is really just *that* much work!

Lots of hugs your way. Hang in there and know that you'll always have lots of support here!

mrspresley

ditto what all the other ladies have already said

if you recall, i was really struggling with MH's lack of involvement and me feeling very resentful of him. things are better now...not like i'd like them to be but we are at least moving in the right direction...so i know how you feel. if you want to talk about it feel free to email me or msg me on FB

expatjen

I, too, agree with a lot of what the other ladies have said.  It's freakin hard to raise a baby (and I'm only in month 5!).  Your life totally changes and I think it changes a heck of a lot more for a mom than the dad. 

My husband works full time and I'm a SAHM, but it drives me bonkers that when he comes home he still gets his time to watch tv, work out or take the first shower.  One of these days, I'd love for him to be with K for more than 15-20 minutes without handing him back to me because K is either crying, needs to be changed, or is just fussy because of his teething.  

I miss "me" time, too.  Even though I watch tv or get on the computer when K's napping, it's still not the same (the volume is on the TV is on it's lowest setting).  

But, I'm glad there's a place where we can all go to vent, ask questions and just "talk".  It definitely helps!