So disappointed in my sister - long

Tracy6450

Today was my SIL's baby shower.  She and I are only 2 weeks apart and we will be having the very first grandchildren and nephews on my side of the family.  Some background on my sister: she is not only a huge AW but she's also a huge b!tch.  Since the beginning of our pregnancies, she's made it very clear to everyone that she doesn't want kids - that's fine - not everyone wants to have kids.  Recently she's been on what seems to be an "anit-baby" campaign with me - pretty much just having negative comments about babies, making stupid comments like "I'm going to go and get drunk because I'm not pregnant".  I just bite my tounge and let it roll of my shoulders...we have never really gotten along that well and I just figured she was being a b!tch towards me to get me angry.  I found out a couple of days ago that she has been really on the anit-baby rage and has been tweeting very negative things about having kids (I don't tweet so I have no idea what she's been saying) and also apparently she's been very negative towards my brother about the "baby thing".  Well, I get to my SIL's baby shower and my sister is no where to be found - she didn't come.  She was supposed to car pool with my mom and my aunt, my mom called her this morning to let her know what time to be at her house and then she informed my mother that she was not going.  My youngest brother's girlfriend told me that both of my brothers and my dad have been on the phone with her since Friday trying to convince her to go to SIL's baby shower but she just straight up refused.. 

I'm shocked and so disappointed in my sister.  I've pretty much figured that her "anti-baby campaign" is her way of dealing with depression and the fact that she's 30 and single and that she really does want to have kids - but to completly skip your brother's wifes baby shower just because you are depressed that you aren't having a baby?  I told my mom today that it's about time we try and talk my sister into therapy because whatever she is doing is just not healthy and is bringing all of us in the family down.  My cousin - who is the same age as my sister, who was at the shower, and who is also single made this point "I'm sad that I'm single and no where near getting married and having kids and wedding/baby showers can be a little depressing but I can't let my decisions in life that have lead me to where I am get in the way of being there for my friends and family...they are the first ones there to celebrate in my accomplishments and it's my responsiblity to do the same".  Everyone in my family was not only disappointed with my sister but are just plain angry with her.  And as I'm so upset about this (I even cried on the phone with DH on my way home from the shower) I can't even imagine how my SIL feels about all of this.  If it were me I would have taken it as a huge slap in the face.  My sister has just taken her heartless b!tchiness to a new level.   

JD807

Oh sweetie, i'm so sorry that she'd doing this to you and your family. Thankfully, your family is also seeing the negative effects that she is having on you and can, in turn...help you talk to her about therapy. While everyone is entitled to their opinions, hers seem to be a bit more vocal and there's no need for that. I am in a very similar situation with my brother's wife, who out of nowhere deemed my DH and I to no longer be welcome in her home because of a family friend that DH and I see maybe once a year. I wouldn't know what my niece looks like or even that they were pregnant with a second if our mother hadn't told me and she shows me pictures and such. I've learned to just look the other way...it's her life and she chooses to live it in a selfish manner, so be it. 

Your sister, on the other hand, sounds like she could use a little bit of that therapy...I would talk to your family about staging an intervention...let her know how much her actions have hurt not only you, but your entire family. I hope that she can get some help...keep your head up, so far, you are being the absolute bigger person here.  

nohalo21

I am sorry that your sister reacted the way she did. Obviously she is dealing with some issue (be it the single/no baby, etc). Do you have a good relationship with her? Try talking to her w/o bringing up the shower to see how she is feeling. I agree with trying to get her some help, but she has to be willing to accept it

If it is any comfort, my sis and I do not have good relationship. It bugs the crap out me but there is nothing I can do to help her. She is jealous of what I have (she has a good job and a kid) and blames me and mom for all the problems in her life. It sucks but I have decided to step back and hope she figures things out for herself since she won't take help.

Mikejustine

Some people are just plain rude! I have close friends that are not married and do not have children and although they poke fun sometimes, they would NEVER be so blantently rude as to not show up to my events. Part of being a sibling or even a sibling-in-law is to show support and to celebrate and share in the joy that others are experiencing and likewise they will return the favor when it is finally your turn. I hope someone can talk some sense into your sister and tell her to stop being so selfish and rude. If she doesn't see the errors in her ways, she is bound to end up lonely and w/o the support of her family in the long run. And if she does ever happen to get married or have babies or even accomplish something else significant in her life, no one will feel like celebrating with her because of the way she's treated people. It boils down to: You get what you put into life!

sparklesbrooks

I know it's probably not what you want to hear but this is exactly what she wanted. Everyone in the family upset with her and feeding her AWing. My sister is pretty much the biggest AW and although she has 2 children, didn't want them and was only trying to keep a guy. Now that I'm married and expecting she wants nothing to do with me. She's already made it clear that she will not be attending my shower. Instead of giving her the attention she wants, just let it go. In the long run, she's going to be the one missing out. Let her wallow in her own misery.

tfarabians

Sounds to me like your sister isn't dealing well with you and your sil being pg.  Maybe she just needs some space?  If you and sil are having the first babies in the family it sounds like maybe she is overwhelmed and jealous?  Is it possible that she is feeling left out and secluded?  I can imagine that anytime she talks to your mom or anyone else in the family all she hears about is baby baby baby? 

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying what she is doing is right but I'm just trying to see it from her side. 

pawcall

all things considered, if she's being this awful, it's probably way better that she didn't come.

i'm sorry she's being such a jerk.

AimeeL85

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this, it sounds like your sister really does have some deep-seated issues, maybe biological clock related but likely even beyond that.  Your SIL is lucky to have you as a SIL and the rest of your family, too.  I'm sure that really helps her in dealing with your sister and hopefully even if she was hurt, she can see that it isn't personal and that the issues are really just your sister's.

mchupie

I'm really sorry, I would be so upset if one of my sisters was behaving that way.  I think your assessment of the situation could probably be right, maybe she is really depressed about it, but that certainly doesn't excuse her behavior.  Not cool at all.

pixieprincss

tfarabians:

Sounds to me like your sister isn't dealing well with you and your sil being pg.  Maybe she just needs some space?  If you and sil are having the first babies in the family it sounds like maybe she is overwhelmed and jealous?  Is it possible that she is feeling left out and secluded?  I can imagine that anytime she talks to your mom or anyone else in the family all she hears about is baby baby baby? 

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying what she is doing is right but I'm just trying to see it from her side. 

I totally agree with this. There is a reason behind her actions. She may understand it, she may not. But, obviously something is going on. While her behavior is very hurtful, minimizing what she is going through is just as wrong as her minimizing what you are going through. I don't necessarily think that you are doing this, but some of the reactions from PPs just seem so dismissive of her feelings. Just as her depression doesn't get to trump your joy, your joy doesn't get to trump her depression. Yes, she is reacting wrongly. But, don't use that as an excuse to react badly back (not that you are).

One thing you mention seems to be a lot of family talk/gossip about her. Have you tried GTG in person with her alone for something casual and not baby related and having a heart-to-heart to find out what is going on?

We've had a family member acting totally bizarre ever since we announced our PG. The reason behind it just came out last week and it has been a big, emotional, complicated deal. While she had to work in her own timeline, I very much wish that I would've reached out sooner. It would've not only maybe helped her get on the healing process sooner, but also helped us avoid GTGs where we left with hurt feelings. Honesty in these situations can be very awkward and painful, but I'd much rather go through the struggle and move toward the right path than keep on living in the place of passive-aggressive mystery/misery.

larrysdarling

I'm going to go the opposite direction and say maybe she just doesn't want or like kids.

There's nothing wrong with it. She's saying what she doesn't want/like and it sounds like everyone is actling like it's unnatural or she's wrong for feeling this way.

There are baby things going on all around her. Maybe she's just tired of hearing about it. Not everyone wants the same things you do. That's life.

Maybe you and your family should just accept her and her life they way they are instead of thinking something's wrong with her or trying to get her into therapy!