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May 2011 Moms
know whats rad? Turning your back on miscarriage
This discussion has been closed.
Re: know whats rad? Turning your back on miscarriage
I've had a loss and I did not get offended by the post. I am a nervous wreck and I understand how being around other nervous wrecks may cause you too much worry. That being said, I actually find comfort being here and wouldn't leave because of my anxiety.
What I did not notice when I casually posted "GL!" to kmajeed was the timing of her post. That, I do find insensitive. And then kmajeed's ridiculous posting after she had "left" and her defensiveness is an annoying slap in the face.
Anyway, though I did not agree with taking a leave of absence, I still wished her luck and I apologize if that act, in itself, hurt anyone's feelings. My heart breaks every time another girl posts their loss.
We miss all of you ladies too. I know I for one still think about you and hope you are doing well. As well as can be expected anyway.
I lost my angels 07/2010, 04/2017, 10/2017
Meimsx no more
Butting in
But this is not about "the rules" its about compassion.
You, my friend, fail at compassion.
I agree with the bolded part. I've also had a loss and wasn't offended by the post (though I didn't read the follow up). I've honestly considered not posting here until after 12 weeks because I remember it being really hard to read those posts. I can't even open them now most of the time. It makes me think about my own m/c and that's just too much.
I cannot believe people... so it is okay to support people in only the good times but run in the bad times... I support every may mom whether she is doing good or miscarried or just going thru a bad time... I do not think it is fair for someone to expect support from others and when they need us to turn on them... fair weather friend...
Really if you do not want to support someone going thru a miscarriage ~ then just do not respond, but honestly that is horrible not to when I am sure the person that miscarried supported you at one time or another...
the appropriate response is "I'm Sorry"
I suffered a loss, I do take offense in your statements - as do many others.
Waaah. I'm sorry other people's pain makes you anxious that something will happen to your honeymoon baby you clearly worked your a$$ off for.
I'm certain you'll be missed. Enjoy your next "two weeks" (do you think that 2 weeks is going to somehow allow you to enter some magical safety period wherein the ladies around you won't experience tragedy? Or that YOU, yourself will be guaranteed a perfect pregnancy? I'd never wish a loss on anybody, but I'll tell you what, lady, I hope you get gigantic baby-sized hemmorhoids.).
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This is seriously uncalled for. Does it really matter how long it took her to get pregnant? You really think that those of us who have had m/c after getting pregnant on the first try didn't feel as much pain as those who took longer to conceive?
Seriously???
While I understand that it's emotionally trying to for those who have had difficulty getting pregnant or who have had losses in the pass, I find this comment a bit off.... personally, it bothers me. No one should be put down because of how long or how quickly they conceived.
I think in the end, it doesn't matter how a baby is conceived.... or even how long it has taken. Having a baby is having a baby... no matter how you break it down. It's the miracle of life. I think trying to knock down the OP because she was able to conceive on her honeymoon is off-based and has nothing to do with the fact that she's insensitive to those who have loss.
That is all.
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For the record, grr has never had trouble conceiving either. She's had several miscarriages after conceiving on the first try. She's not "one of them." She's "one of you" by those standards.
To this whole post. To those who are leaving because miscarriages make them uncomfortable. I was one of you - but these women need you more than you need to tell everyone what you ate for lunch. To those who are bitching about her still. Ignore her just like you tell her to ignore the posts about pregnancy loss. To those who are judging anyone on how long it takes them to get pregnant. Whether it one cycle or forty...we are all in the same boat now.
Pfffffft. It's the internet. Don't take it so seriously.
Who cares about standards? Getting pregnant is getting pregnant. Her comment is still uncalled for.
My Acme Box last update 3/28/11
I think her comments were made of awesome...but I'm "one of them" so what the check do I know?
I'm referring to length of time it takes for one to get pregnant.... that doesn't matter to whether you have lost a baby or not... And in NO WAY am I defending the OP but the bottom line is her comment is not relevant to the OP's issue. Sorry, still think her comment is out of line... the same way as OP announced she was leaving......
ETA: Clarification
My Acme Box last update 3/28/11
Giant thumbs up to this.
I hope, for your sake, that you always have such a naive viewpoint lacking in nuance. Because that will mean you never have to deal with the special hell of trouble TTC + loss. Or recurrent loss. Or IF + loss. But even so, it doesn't take a genius to understand that having a stillborn child, struggling with infertility for 2 years after that, then getting pregnant again and miscarrying, is NOT the same grief - even remotely - as having one miscarriage after getting pregnant on the first cycle.
I'm really sorry for your past loss and your difficulties to get pregnant. I understand what you are saying and no, I don't personally know what it feels like. But I do have a close friend, who after 6 years, is finally pregnant. So no, this doesn't make me an expert and again, I don't KNOW what it feels like, but I do know how it feels to be pregnant and I can only imagine how horrible I would feel if I were to lose a baby.
AND AGAIN... MY POINT.... which has nothing to do with loss.... It doesn't matter how long or how you conceive a child, the point is, we're all having babies... No matter how quickly or how long it took us to get to this point, we're all hoping to have a happy and healthy nine months with a very healthy baby (or babies) in the end. I don't think someone is better than someone by the means they got pregnant. Sorry, if you don't agree with this.... But having a baby is having a baby.
My Acme Box last update 3/28/11
Fertile as the day is long. . . 5 pregnancies in 12 months. I *am* a person who got pregnant easily. And along the way I've watched the ladies around me struggle and struggle and struggle. And yet - I've learned that it doesn't matter how fast or often you can get knocked up if you can't manage to hang on to a pregnancy - you're STILL *infertile*. Wacky fun!
And you know what, my comment *was* insensitive. No moreso than the OP's idiocy, but I'll take it and own it. I'll also tell you guys this: it was always far easier for me to think, after an ended pregnancy, through the devastation, pain, and loss, that with our track record, chances were good that we'd be pregnant again within 6 months. It *DID* ease the pain. Did it make the loss easier? NO. But it made picking up the pieces and moving forward a bit easier. Still, I'd never consider standing around the TTCAL+6 board and saying "You know, ladies, all of this TTC stuff is *really* getting me down. The time it takes for you to conceive is buggin' me, so I'm going to check out until I get my inevitably quick BFP."
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Who are you people?
And where have you been all my life?
No one, anywhere, at any time, said nor even implied that those of us who have struggled are better than anyone else. Nor would we. I'm sorry you read that into it. But it is different. A pregnancy is a pregnancy is a pregnancy is an ideology that many of us have learned the hard way to be untrue.
And the example I gave is not my story. It's CarrieLeigh's.
I hope for your sake that you can hang on to this naivite. For real. I used to think that.
My TTC journey this time around started with a surprise pregnancy in 2/09. I will, hopefully, bring home my take home baby in 11/10 (though I say that with absolutely no assurance). So a woman's 1 month quest to be come pregnant followed by 9 1/2 months of pregnancy is approximately half of what my journey was - and I'm unbelieveably fricken' fertile. And every time I've come close to complaining - or have complained - I've been gently reminded of the others around me whose journey has been much, much, much longer.
I have a friend who's been TTC since she got married. Twelve years ago. In the time that she's been TTCing, I have conceived 2 perfectly healthy pregnancies that have grown into unbelieveably amazing and excellent kiddos. I've had 4 miscarriages. I am currently gestationg. And she's had. . . nothing. While she's far too classy to say it, the fact of the matter is were she to conceive and then lose that child, it would hold a very, vastly different meaning for her than it would for me.
So yeah, having a baby is having a baby. It just takes 10 months for some and a decade for others. And THAT is the difference, yes?
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Exactly.
That was an ideology I used to hold - when I got pg on the pill with my first and after 5 months of TTC with my 2nd. I had absolutely no idea then.
I have an inkling now, but I won't pretend to know what infertility feels like.
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Mrs pH, I have to agree with Colinda here. I'm someone who is lucky--pure dumb luck--to get pregnant easily. I got pregnant by accident with my daughter who is beautiful and healthy. I got pregnant twice more on the first try. One of those pregnancies ended in miscarriage and it sucked hardcore but you know what? It didn't suck as much as it would have if I'd never had a healthy child before and didn't know I would most likely conceive again easily soon. I can't imagine the pain of going through IF treatments, getting a BFP and then having a loss and not knowing if you will ever get to have a healthy baby.
A baby is a baby and a loss is a loss. But becoming a mother is a journey, and some of us have harder journeys than others.
Here here.
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You are an insensitive twat. Seriously. You know what, I am "one of those" I got KU first try in 2007 only to m/c 11 weeks later. After 2 years of IF, I got KU again in Feb, only to loose the baby and my right tube. It isn't b/c we haven't been trying, because after more than 3 years we have been TRYING very hard, and it isn't b/c we don't want kids, but it is b/c my reproductive system sucks. YOUR comments ARE soooo out of line. Grr understands the hardships and you DON'T so BACK off, you insensitive twat, just back off.
I get what you're saying, but I still don't think that makes the loss of a baby different depending on how long it took you to get pregnant. It just means that you've got more on your plate than just a loss.
Carrie...
I heart you.
That is all.
Well said, Iris.
This is not the first time I have thought this, but I think I love you Iris.
All I want to do is cuss at you. You know why? B/c you are so ignorant about who you are talking to. We are NOT all having babies, you twit. Some of us are still in the HOPING to have a baby stage, and granted some of us have been trying a hell of a lot longer than you. Please learn to read and comprehend what is typed to you.
I'm really sorry! I don't want to offend anyone who has had trouble... I really don't. And maybe I did read into your initial comment about the "honeymoon" baby.... but right now, this is all I know... and I know plenty of others who have quickly gotten pregnant and those who have taken a long time, also... And I don't think any less or more of those who had no troubles. But I do admire the strength of those who have had problems and losses because I simply CANNOT even begin to imagine what it feels like.
The only thing remotely close, that I can remember is when I was 14 and my parents were trying to have another baby. My mom was past the first trimester and loss the baby. I had to watch my mom go through that, it was difficult. I knew she was trying to be strong in front of me, but I knew she was hurting a lot inside. I don't remember the circumstances exactly, but I believe she had to get a bunch of cysts removed from her ovaries.. and few months later, my mom was pregnant again. And that was also trying initially... She had started bleeding just before the end of the first trimester..... so she went into the ER, expecting the worse, but the best happened and she found out she was having twins! Being pregnant is not easy... and I know it gets harder with each loss and each failed attempt. I can definitely understand that and in no way want to anyone to think that I could care less about your or anyone else's TTC journey.
I don't know why I felt I had to share my mom's story.... But again, I'm really sorry for your personal struggle (and I hope that all goes well with the remainder of your pregnancy!) and everyone elses.... And here's to everyone having a happy and healthy 9 months!
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I agree... very well said. But again, I don't think someone should put down others because of how quickly they get pregnant and vice versa... which was my point. I think we can all agree there.
My Acme Box last update 3/28/11
I get what you're saying, but I still don't think that makes the loss of a baby different depending on how long it took you to get pregnant. It just means that you've got more on your plate than just a loss.
Really? Then you have no idea what it is like to try for a very long time to have a baby and go through the special kind of hell that is IF and then have your gift taken away.
A pregnancy is not a pregnancy is not a pregnancy. A baby is not a baby is not a baby. A loss is not a loss is not a loss.
Everyone has their own set of experiences and yes, going through "more" to get pregnant than just having honeymoon sex does make the loss "different". Not to say people with IF are super special and deserve more kindness or consideration than anyone else, and not to not say "well done" to getting KTFU on your honeymoon... we should all be so lucky. But it IS different, a deeper and more profound loss.
It's like saying a miscarriage at 6 weeks is the same as a loss at 20 weeks. I'm here to tell you, as sad as I was over my CP, I'd go through that a million times before I'd go through labor and delivery at 20 weeks again.
A loss is not a loss is not a loss.
I love you for this post!
First of all, I didn't get pregnant on my honeymoon. Second of all, that argument sure sounds to me like you're saying your baby is more loved by you than my baby is by me because of the path you've taken to conceive. I don't love my baby any less than you love yours just because I didn't have a difficult time conceiving.
That's not what she's saying at all.
Then what does "a baby is not a baby" mean?
Yes, that is EXACTLY what I'm saying.. I love my baby more than you love yours.. na na na na na na.
Listen / read very carefully what I said. Losing a child that you have been trying for a long time to have is different than losing a child you didn't have to try very hard for. Not better, not worse, but different. It just is.
Same thing as expecting a baby... with my first pregnancy I assumed that double lines = baby. And I was VERY FORTUNATE in that case it did. I have a healthy beautiful 5 year old that I cherish every day.
But when you have gone through IF, or losses, it's not just a baby. It's the time you spend injecting yourself with medications that make you feel crazy and the intense pain of seeing AF month after empty month after empty month. It's draining your bank account to fund your dream. It's the pain you feel thinking about the baby you held in your arms that didn't make a noise and praying to God you never ever have to experience that again. The meaning of that baby is not just a baby... it's a whole lot more of your life experiences that you have been living around the dream of having a baby than having a random roll in the hay with your DH and look what happened! Not that the baby is loved more. Love has nothing to do with it. If that is all that was needed, we would all get pregnant on the first try and have healthy babies.
Saying something like "you think you love your baby more than i love mine and that's wrong" is very immature and small minded.
I can say one thing for IF and loss.. it sure has broadened my perspective and you could use a little.
I really don't think expressing my opinion makes me immature, but feel free to disagree all you want. I've also experienced a loss and it definitely broadened my perspective about pregnancy.
I'm done arguing about this.
I really don't think expressing my opinion makes me immature, but feel free to disagree all you want. I've also experienced a loss and it definitely broadened my perspective about pregnancy.
I'm done arguing about this.
Expressing an opinion like, you are saying I don't love my baby as much as you do is immature. Extremely.